myquestion

am I right or am i overreacting?

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My fiancee and I  have a long distance relationship, we met on a church app in June 2017, we met in person in December for 5 days. we got engaged in January of this year and intend to marry in August. He is an amazing guy but on his facebook, he has a lot of girls that are members but that do not follow the gospel how they should. They have very provocative pictures or pictures in 2 piece brazilian bathing suits( because he is from brazil and currently lives there). I told him that it bothered me and he said that he didn't care about those girls, that they don't talk and that they aren't even friends. that they are only girls he knows from his hometown. i want to clarify that not all girls bother me, only the ones with that kind of behavior and pictures. i don't know what to do because i don't want to control him or tell him what to do but it hurts me because i feel disrespected by that situation. He says that he doesn't even give "likes" to their pictures but that doesn't mean he doesn't see their pictures when they post them.

Please, advise me of what to do! i don't want to seem a jealous, possessive fiancee but i know he would not feel comfortable but i have guys half naked or with provocative photos on facebook. am i right or am i overreacting. 

Please tell me your opinion and how to handle this because I am dying over this situation.

 

we have been told to increase purity and have exact obedience. Do images on facebook and friendships count as looking for ways to "increase puriity"? 

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Hi myquestion and welcome. 

So you're marrying a Brazilian, who lives in Brazil.  They tell me cultural standards can be sort of different in tropical areas where people dress less due to the weather and outdoor lifestyle.  How do you know he wouldn't feel comfortable if you were facebook friends with beefy gym hunks who posted their workout pics?  Have he specifically said he'd have a problem with that?

But bigger than that - you're going to marry someone you have only actually spent five days with face to face?  I know that isn't your question, but whoa, that has bad idea written all over it.  You don't know this person - you just know his online persona.  And that is not the same thing.  Even the most uncontrolled serial cheater addict can act nice for 5 days.

Edited by NeuroTypical

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18 minutes ago, myquestion said:

My fiancee and I  have a long distance relationship, we met on a church app in June 2017, we met in person in December for 5 days. we got engaged in January of this year and intend to marry in August. He is an amazing guy but on his facebook, he has a lot of girls that are members but that do not follow the gospel how they should. They have very provocative pictures or pictures in 2 piece brazilian bathing suits( because he is from brazil and currently lives there). I told him that it bothered me and he said that he didn't care about those girls, that they don't talk and that they aren't even friends. that they are only girls he knows from his hometown. i want to clarify that not all girls bother me, only the ones with that kind of behavior and pictures. i don't know what to do because i don't want to control him or tell him what to do but it hurts me because i feel disrespected by that situation. He says that he doesn't even give "likes" to their pictures but that doesn't mean he doesn't see their pictures when they post them.

Please, advise me of what to do! i don't want to seem a jealous, possessive fiancee but i know he would not feel comfortable but i have guys half naked or with provocative photos on facebook. am i right or am i overreacting. 

Please tell me your opinion and how to handle this because I am dying over this situation.

 

we have been told to increase purity and have exact obedience. Do images on facebook and friendships count as looking for ways to "increase puriity"? 

I believe that you are right to be concerned, but not for the reason you think.

  1. I don't know how sincere he is or is not about these girls who are friends on Facebook. 
  2. I don't know what his views on modesty and the Law of Chastity affect his daily thinking.
  3. I don't know a lot of things about him, or you for that matter.
  4. What I do see is that there is a cultural difference that affects your views on morality.

If the cultural difference is great enough about such an important aspect of your marital relationship as well as your relationship to God and your standing in the Church, you may want to consider that this is not a good match.

Marriage is difficult enough to allow a BIG thing like that to go unnoticed.  We're talking about who you're choosing as your ETERNAL companion.  You need to be ONE with him.  This is a pretty big thing to get over IMO.  

Edited by Guest

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5 minutes ago, NeuroTypical said:

But bigger than that - you're going to marry someone you have only actually spent five days with face to face?  I know that isn't your question, but whoa, that has bad idea written all over it.  You don't know this person - you just know his online persona.  And that is not the same thing.  Even the most uncontrolled serial cheater addict can act nice for 5 days.

That!  Huge mistake (or at least risk).  People who have spent lots of time together have big hurdles to overcome to make a successful marriage.  People who haven't have even more and bigger ones.  Pre-marital counseling should be next on your to-do list, along with spending lots and lots of time in person talking about very serious things.

Do you have a plan for how to identify and overcome those hurdles?  If not, there's another big red flag flapping in the wind.

(None of this should be taken as "it won't work", "run for your life" - rather, it should be taken as "if you want it to work, do the work required upfront to ensure that it will, because thinking you can work it out later will lead to painful work at best and other kinds of pain at worst".)

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I agree with what has already been said, but I also feel the question needs to be asked.... Do you trust him? Think about this, you do not need to answer here but do be honest with yourself. If the answer is no or even yes BUT... then its that trust that you need resolve. I don't know either of you but one of two things.... 1. He is not trust worthy or 2. You don't know him well enough to trust him (and he is trust worthy).  People have given great advice above but I did want to point this out so you can address this issue. 

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I agree with those who have shared concerns that you should get to know him better before marrying him by spending more time in person with him.  Five days of actual personal contact is a very, very, very short period of time to know someone before getting engaged.  Being fully honest with yourself, are you certain he is not prone to cheating, abuse, control, neglecting his duties as a Mormon, etc?  These are things you can't really decipher from a dating app; you have to spend several months in person with someone and really get to know them.  I know I, for one, am not in real life exactly like I am here on lds.net!  People on this site cannot see my negative traits as easily as they would be able to in person.

As for your actual question, if something is bothering you, he should be willing to get rid of it out of respect to you.  I used to be a big fan of the Ren & Stimpy Show, but my wife hates, hates, hates the show.  Is Ren & Stimpy unrighteous or evil or bad?  No, not really.  However, I saw that something about the show really bothered my wife.  So, I was more than happy to give my Ren & Stimpy DVDs to my brothers as a sign of love and respect for my wife.  So, if pictures of immodest women on facebook bother you, he should be willing to give them up as a way of showing love to you.  It is a small thing for him to give up, and it would clearly make you feel better, so he should do it.  Just have a talk, explain your feelings, and request that he remove the pictures or friends that bother you.  

That said, if you are setting special rules and boundaries a lot on a variety of things that aren't forbidden by the gospel, at some point you become controlling and/or abusive.  So don't take my advice as a green light to go through all aspects of his life and make numerous demands that he comply with your way.  But I think it is perfectly fine and healthy to sometimes ask a spouse to give something up that is bothering you.

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As I see it, there is NO WAY on earth you could know this person well enough to marry them.  Unless God has tapped you on the shoulder and told you her is the one (and by that I mean clear, direct revelation, not 'I prayed and felt good') then please put off the wedding and get to know each other in the real world.

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12 hours ago, myquestion said:

 i want to clarify that not all girls bother me, only the ones with that kind of behavior and pictures. i don't know what to do because i don't want to control him or tell him what to do but it hurts me because i feel disrespected by that situation. He says that he doesn't even give "likes" to their pictures but that doesn't mean he doesn't see their pictures when they post them.

Please, advise me of what to do! i don't want to seem a jealous, possessive fiancee but i know he would not feel comfortable but i have guys half naked or with provocative photos on facebook. am i right or am i overreacting. 

Please tell me your opinion and how to handle this because I am dying over this situation.

I make no comment on whether or not you should continue with this relationship onto marriage, or any comment regarding the extent to which you know each other. You've have asked for help on how to handle this situation. You said this hurts you because you feel disrespected and that you don't want to control him or tell him what to do. Here is what I suggest: You don't tell him what to do - he can make his own decisions based on relevant information. You DO tell him how it makes you feel, and then see what he does. You telling him this is relevant information on which he can then make a decision. If he persists in an action that you have told him makes you feel bad, that is a piece of information that leads to certain conclusions. 

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3 hours ago, Latter-Day Marriage said:

As I see it, there is NO WAY on earth you could know this person well enough to marry them.  Unless God has tapped you on the shoulder and told you her is the one (and by that I mean clear, direct revelation, not 'I prayed and felt good')

Based on my own experience, this ^^ is the only reason why you should marry someone. And the only reason that is needed. Nothing else matters once you get that clear and direct revelation.

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On 4/5/2018 at 10:59 AM, myquestion said:

Please, advise me of what to do! i don't want to seem a jealous, possessive fiancee but i know he would not feel comfortable but i have guys half naked or with provocative photos on facebook. am i right or am i overreacting. 

This is the wrong question.

The question is - why don't you trust him?  If you believe that your husband has to drop friendships like a rock because the person has different standards than he does then you're in for a rough marriage.  Especially if you're not Brazilian and he is.  My husband does this Brazilian jiu-jitsu and their gym has several Brazilian women in there (I don't know why it is but I have yet to meet a Brazilian woman who is not super pretty).  My husband is too big to be paired with women in open mat but the Brazilian guys in the gym aren't.  And they "roll with" the Brazilian women all the time.  These guys take being Italian to a higher degree - they do a lot of touchy-feely communication.  I'm not sure if that's just the people at the gym or it's a common Brazilian trait.

Anyway, if you think that your fiance is cheating on you - or could possibly be cheating on you - or will possibly cheat on you - or has questionable standards that are not aligned with yours -  don't get married.  Trust is an essential element in marriage and that only comes through knowing somebody well enough to be able to trust him - trust that he will uphold his marital covenants.  My husband can "roll with" those Brazilian women in the gym and I wouldn't even bat an eye.  I know my husband.  He adores me and his children and wouldn't put either of those in jeopardy.  I'm currently half-way around the world from my husband.  I have complete confidence in our marriage. 

 

Edited by anatess2

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4 hours ago, anatess2 said:

My husband does this Brazilian jiu-jitsu and their gym has several Brazilian women in there (I don't know why it is but I have yet to meet a Brazilian woman who is not super pretty).  My husband is too big to be paired with women in open mat but the Brazilian guys in the gym aren't.  And they "roll with" the Brazilian women all the time.  These guys take being Italian to a higher degree - they do a lot of touchy-feely communication.  I'm not sure if that's just the people at the gym or it's a common Brazilian trait.

It's a little of both; I notice a lot of South Americans tend to make various types of contact during a conversation, but it's also an aspect of martial arts in general.  When you grapple with various people, (and all three of the dojos I've attended on any sort of regular basis mix up the sizes often because in self defense, you want to know what will work on someone twice your size, and you want to see it really work) hands, faces and pretty much all other body parts end up in all sorts of places.  Thus, there's rarely a second thought to touching the places you're talking about when describing a technique or listing off your latest aches and pains, unless they're really off-limits-except-by-total-accident-or-necessity places.  After a while, it's not really much different from talking to a medical professional who has seen 8-10 people's private bits already today and describes something appetite-destroying without realizing how others will take it.  (I dated an OB/GYN nurse for a while, and it got so bad I had to stop her every time she started talking about work at the dinner table.  You don't want to know what sorts of things are commonly found there.)

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From my read-a-brief-paragraph-on-a-forum point of view, sounds to me like you're asking for trouble. RED FLAGS!

  • long distance relationship
  • met on a church app
  • met in person in December for 5 days
  • on his facebook, he has a lot of girls
  • that are members but that do not follow the gospel how they should. They have very provocative pictures or pictures in 2 piece brazilian bathing suits
  • he is from brazil and currently lives there
  • I told him that it bothered me and he said [blah blah excusing blah blah]
  • girls bother me ...with that kind of behavior and pictures.
  • i don't know what to do
  • it hurts me because i feel disrespected 
  • He says that he doesn't even give "likes" to their pictures 
  • Please, advise me of what to do!

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On 4/5/2018 at 8:59 AM, myquestion said:

He says that he doesn't even give "likes" to their pictures but that doesn't mean he doesn't see their pictures when they post them.

I highly doubt these attractive and scantily clad women went and all decided to send friend requests to your fiance all at once. I guarantee he was purposefully friending attractive women, if only to look at their pictures.

Maybe suggest getting a combined Facebook page? If he doesn't care about making you secure in the relationship he is probs hiding something. 

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Guest MormonGator
27 minutes ago, dddd said:

Maybe suggest getting a combined Facebook page? 

 

60e500af65fef6d54bb5a122f7d65149.jpg

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Gotta wonder if this poster is going through with the wedding or not.  Seems to me like a foolhardy thing to do, but it is their lives, not mine.

But one post and done and I don't think we will see this person again.

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Guest MormonGator
8 hours ago, dddd said:

Personally after marriage that's my goal. Aside from being romantic !! it would defs deter people who want to be homewreckers.

That's sweet, but a joint Facebook account makes everyone else wonder if someone cheated. 

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Just now, dddd said:

I've never wondered that

You may not have, but many others do. 

In fact, so many people do that there is already a meme out there about it. 

oh-you-have-a-joint-facebook-account-who-cheated-3086753.png

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8 minutes ago, dddd said:

I've never wondered that

You've never wondered if Gator cheated?  Well, neither have I. ... because he doesn't have a joint facebook account.  :) .

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15 minutes ago, Carborendum said:

You've never wondered if Gator cheated?  Well, neither have I. ... because he doesn't have a joint facebook account.  :) .

It's not cheating if they all know about each other dude. 

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27 minutes ago, MormonGator said:

You may not have, but many others do. 

In fact, so many people do that there is already a meme out there about it. 

oh-you-have-a-joint-facebook-account-who-cheated-3086753.png

Wow. No joy for romantic things I see.

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Guest MormonGator
11 minutes ago, dddd said:

Wow. No joy for romantic things I see.

Here is an important life lesson kid. Take notes:

What you find romantic isn't what others do. IE-I find what Edward VIII did for Wallis Simpson to be multi layered and complex. As a young person, I thought it was the height of romance. 

When you grow up  a bit, your views evolve and you begin to realize that "romance" is a complicated term and each person has their own view of what is "romantic". For some, romance is humans doing extraordinary things. Like giving up the crown to marry a commoner. Like climbing a mountain just because "it is there." Getting matching tattoos (Which my wife and I have. That is romance kid. Are you still taking notes?). Taking a 24 road trip for no reason whatsoever (which my wife and I do). 

I truly hope your definition of "romance" isn't "Buy flowers." "Dedicate a song to me." If it is, fine. Like I mentioned, we all have different views of it.  Someday, it is my prayer that you find someone you truly love and you two define the word "romance" for yourselves. And it ain't a joint Facebook account. 

Love, 

Gator. 

Edited by MormonGator

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1 minute ago, MormonGator said:

 And it ain't a joint Facebook account. 

Love, 

Gator. 

So you're saying romance can mean different things to different people but whatever I think is wrong? Cool.

Here's a life lessons for you, kidddd. Some people don't care about others opinions and worry more about safe proofing their marriage and family.

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I know where Gator is coming from.  But my wife and I had at one time, a joint email account.  And I know three or four facebook relatives and buddies and stuff who have a His-N-Hername account, and it honestly never dawned on me to think of this stuff until reading this thread. 

I can also advocate the notion of just not give a flying wet flap what other people think about you based on how you structure a facebook account.  One of the most fun games I ever participated in against my will, was the "why haven't you people gotten pregnant" game.  My answers included:
* "We're waiting to see if we last until next year."
* (vague alluding to male incompetence, daring them to say something about it)
* "We're trying, but they tell me it's harder when you never allow yourself to be within 2 feet of the other."
* "I think I'm gay."

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