How did you know it was the right time to have your first child?


Lee
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12 hours ago, Jane_Doe said:

Your nephew is ~11?  In that case, you can just tell him straight up like you would an adult.  I recently told my Achievement Day girls I was expecting and they understood just fine.  It was a bit tricker with my 4 y.o.  She somewhat (in theory, kind-of-sort-of-not-really) got the fact that she was going to be a big sister and there was a baby "hiding" in mommy's tummy so we had to be nice. 

He is 8, we aren't worried about him understanding the situation. We are worried about his attitude because recently if something isn't his idea he won't go along with what we are suggesting for him to do. 

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1 hour ago, Lee said:

He is 8, we aren't worried about him understanding the situation. We are worried about his attitude because recently if something isn't his idea he won't go along with what we are suggesting for him to do. 

Ah... maybe let the whole thing be "his" idea?  Like "would you like to have a baby cousin?"    

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1 hour ago, Jane_Doe said:

Heh, if he says "yes", then life's easy.  If he doesn't, then try a different way.

(Sorry, I'm a huge pragmatist) 

If the pragmatic approach does not work...  Give him same option you got. "A new baby is on the way.  It will not be stopped.  WE have X number of months to be ready for it."

Pull him in as a partner to get ready for it.  He might not like it too much but realistically he does not have much say or many options in the matter.

 

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2 hours ago, estradling75 said:

If the pragmatic approach does not work...  Give him same option you got. "A new baby is on the way.  It will not be stopped.  WE have X number of months to be ready for it."

Pull him in as a partner to get ready for it.  He might not like it too much but realistically he does not have much say or many options in the matter.

 

We usually like to give him a choice in situations but we can't this time so hopefully he will get onboard.

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On 28/04/2018 at 2:12 AM, Jane_Doe said:

Lol!  Yeah, life gets busy and hectic-- I totally get that.  Well, I'm very excited for you!   Let us know if you (or your wife) have any questions on pregnancy, parenting, or any of that other random stuff.  

I have a question, it is probably stupid. What is the youngest a child can be before they can be left with a minder? 

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1 minute ago, Lee said:

I have a question, it is probably stupid. What is the youngest a child can be before they can be left with a minder? 

I do not think there is such a rule/law. Think of a sick single mom. She would have to leave baby with someone.

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12 minutes ago, Lee said:

I have a question, it is probably stupid. What is the youngest a child can be before they can be left with a minder? 

As young as you're comfort with (this is a matter of making your comfortable, not the kid).  Parents need breaks too.

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On 4/5/2018 at 6:40 PM, Lee said:

Hi, my wife and I have been married for 5 years. We always thought that we would just know when the time is right to have our first chid, we thought we may get some kind of sign or we would both just have a feeling that it is right. My wife thinks that she wants to have a baby but we have prayed about it and neither of us have received a definitive answer that it is the right time to try and have a baby. Practically, speaking we are more than ready to have a child but I know it is a huge responsibility so I want confirmation from the Holy Spirit that it is a good thing. My wife she is more of the opinion that it can't be against god's will for us to have a baby so we should just have one. Which opinion do you think is right ? How did you know when was a good time to have your first child ?

There is never a good time to have kids.  They completely change your lifestyle.  They change your relationship with your wife.  They change you.  You will never be really ready for parenthood.  Nor do I think the spirit is going to give you a strong prompting to have them.

But in my opinion, if you have a good head on your shoulders, have a life plan and are working that life plan, then having a baby is a good thing.  Do you think you are responsible enough for a baby (not asking if you are ready, just responsible)?  If so, there is no point in waiting.

My wife and I knew we wanted a family, we also knew we wanted 4 kids.  We also wanted to travel the world together (she and me) when the kids left the house.  We also wanted to be young enough to still travel.  So we decided to do the kids earlier than later.  Been a few challenges along the way, but very much worth it.

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1 hour ago, Sunday21 said:

I do not think there is such a rule/law. Think of a sick single mom. She would have to leave baby with someone.

 

1 hour ago, Jane_Doe said:

As young as you're comfort with (this is a matter of making your comfortable, not the kid).  Parents need breaks too.

I meant more of a Nanny or nursery situation due in the day, I assume it is unusual to leave a baby under 6 months. 

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57 minutes ago, Lost Boy said:

But in my opinion, if you have a good head on your shoulders, have a life plan and are working that life plan, then having a baby is a good thing.  Do you think you are responsible enough for a baby (not asking if you are ready, just responsible)?  If so, there is no point in waiting.

My wife and I knew we wanted a family, we also knew we wanted 4 kids.  We also wanted to travel the world together (she and me) when the kids left the house.  We also wanted to be young enough to still travel.  So we decided to do the kids earlier than later.  Been a few challenges along the way, but very much worth i

We don't have much of a choice now, but we have always known we want 3 kids. My wife wanted to get her Ph.d before having any children but other than that we didn't have any kind of time frame. 

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2 hours ago, Lee said:

 

I meant more of a Nanny or nursery situation due in the day, I assume it is unusual to leave a baby under 6 months. 

Not at all.  For example, a day care will take kids as young as 2 weeks (though 6 weeks is much more commonly done in the US, cause that's the average length of maternity leave).   I'm not sure about nannies (such is well beyond my economic bracket), but for day cares younger babies are more expensive than toddlers because they can have fewer of them per teacher.  

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12 hours ago, Jane_Doe said:

Not at all.  For example, a day care will take kids as young as 2 weeks (though 6 weeks is much more commonly done in the US, cause that's the average length of maternity leave).   I'm not sure about nannies (such is well beyond my economic bracket), but for day cares younger babies are more expensive than toddlers because they can have fewer of them per teacher.  

If we were to leave a child there at 2 weeks or 6 weeks, would we need to enrol them before they are born? Where do people learn this stuff? 

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11 minutes ago, Lee said:

If we were to leave a child there at 2 weeks or 6 weeks, would we need to enrol them before they are born? Where do people learn this stuff? 

Perform an Internet search for "day cares in <yourcity>" pick a few, call them, ask them your questions. Their answers might give you additional questions. You can call them back or you can just ask the next one on your list. If you're worried about stupid questions, you can start by visiting their websites and checking out any FAQ's they have.

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4 minutes ago, Lee said:

If we were to leave a child there at 2 weeks or 6 weeks, would we need to enrol them before they are born? Where do people learn this stuff? 

You should start looking into this now, yes.  (Yeah, having kids is a TON of work, even before they're born).

Here's the basic framework:

1) Chat with your wife and brainstorm what balance you want to do for parental care of kid vs a daycare/nanny.   What type of care would you like the kid to receive?  What are you willing/able to pay for this?  Infant care is VERY expensive.   This is just brainstorming now.  

2) Once you've brainstormed about the type/amount/budget of the care you'd like, search for possible list of care providers.  You can do this online (read the reviews) and also via word of mouth (or FaceBook, as that's how my ward gives recommendations).  You can also ask around at work.  Don't feel embarrassed about this-- parents like recommending good places and paying such recommendations forward.  It's a system which makes parenting much easier and more enjoyable for everyone.

3) Once you've got a list of possible providers, contact them.  Just say "we're having a baby in January and were looking for care starting up in February, what can you tell me about your program?"   The nice lady on the phone will then tell you everything you need to know-- this is her job and she has lots of experience walking parent's through it.  She'll tell you about their availability, possible timing, enrollment proceedures etc.  In fact, in addition to telling you verbally, she'll probably give you brochure's with all the info too, and refer you to their website.  She'll also encourage you to come tour their facilities, hear about their philosophy/ciriculum, and meet the teachers.  Don't feel rush to commit right now, you're just gathering info.

4) Once info is gathered, review it and options.  You might find a place that you fall instantly in love, or it's quite possible that you'll revise the game plan to work a little better for everyone.  Spend your time brianstorming/revising/etc.  

5) Finally make your decision. 

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7 minutes ago, Jane_Doe said:

You should start looking into this now, yes.  (Yeah, having kids is a TON of work, even before they're born).

Here's the basic framework:

1) Chat with your wife and brainstorm what balance you want to do for parental care of kid vs a daycare/nanny.   What type of care would you like the kid to receive?  What are you willing/able to pay for this?  Infant care is VERY expensive.   This is just brainstorming now.  

2) Once you've brainstormed about the type/amount/budget of the care you'd like, search for possible list of care providers.  You can do this online (read the reviews) and also via word of mouth (or FaceBook, as that's how my ward gives recommendations).  You can also ask around at work.  Don't feel embarrassed about this-- parents like recommending good places and paying such recommendations forward.  It's a system which makes parenting much easier and more enjoyable for everyone.

3) Once you've got a list of possible providers, contact them.  Just say "we're having a baby in January and were looking for care starting up in February, what can you tell me about your program?"   The nice lady on the phone will then tell you everything you need to know-- this is her job and she has lots of experience walking parent's through it.  She'll tell you about their availability, possible timing, enrollment proceedures etc.  In fact, in addition to telling you verbally, she'll probably give you brochure's with all the info too, and refer you to their website.  She'll also encourage you to come tour their facilities, hear about their philosophy/ciriculum, and meet the teachers.  Don't feel rush to commit right now, you're just gathering info.

4) Once info is gathered, review it and options.  You might find a place that you fall instantly in love, or it's quite possible that you'll revise the game plan to work a little better for everyone.  Spend your time brianstorming/revising/etc.  

5) Finally make your decision. 

We are terrible at brainstorming, we tried making a list of things we need to buy for when the baby is born and we got stuck after stroller, carseat and a cot. 

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22 minutes ago, Lee said:

We are terrible at brainstorming, we tried making a list of things we need to buy for when the baby is born and we got stuck after stroller, carseat and a cot. 

Stuff: Google "things needed for a baby".  And then delete half of the "must haves" cause it's useless junk.  The big items are: Clothes, Diapers, bed, laundry stuff, stroller, carseat, bottles, formula/breastfeeding stuff, baby-proofing stuff.  About clothes: for the first year, kids out grow a size every ~3 months.  So you don't need more than a few outfits.  And you're going to be doing laundry frequently anyways.

Daycare: perhaps just Google a place near you that has decent reviews, and give them a call.  That'll give you an idea of one option and you can move from there.

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36 minutes ago, Jane_Doe said:

Stuff: Google "things needed for a baby".  And then delete half of the "must haves" cause it's useless junk.  The big items are: Clothes, Diapers, bed, laundry stuff, stroller, carseat, bottles, formula/breastfeeding stuff, baby-proofing stuff.  About clothes: for the first year, kids out grow a size every ~3 months.  So you don't need more than a few outfits.  And you're going to be doing laundry frequently anyways.

Daycare: perhaps just Google a place near you that has decent reviews, and give them a call.  That'll give you an idea of one option and you can move from there.

Oh yeah my wife and I are currently arguing because she has gone eco crazy and wants to use reusable diapers. 

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2 hours ago, Lee said:

If we were to leave a child there at 2 weeks or 6 weeks, would we need to enrol them before they are born? Where do people learn this stuff? 

My advice is to use the internet search as the very last resort.  There are lots of day care centers and not all of them are good.

My first advice is to use these few months to read up on Home Economics on a Single Income.  That way, your wife will be the primary care giver of the child until, at least, he starts grammar school, then she can go back to work.  You'll be surprised at how very possible it is to live off one paycheck, the same way as how one who can't figure out how it is possible to pay tithing on their income actually find ways to do so... it's not about the math adding up more so than about alternative ways of accomplishing things.

But, if you really can't make it on a single income, then your next stop is to ask your family and/or friends for recommendations in the area.  Then you know exactly what experiences they have with that specific facility and not just some online reviews by strangers on the internet who may think their kids are doing great at the daycare as they get very little interaction with the caregivers getting plopped in a playpen all day long.

Anyway... the standard answer to Where Do People Learn This Stuff is FROM THEIR MOTHERS.

 

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51 minutes ago, Lee said:

Oh yeah my wife and I are currently arguing because she has gone eco crazy and wants to use reusable diapers. 

I don't know why you're arguing.  The answer to anything your wife wants to do with the child is... Yes dear.  ;)

Anyway, reusable diapers are great.  They've gotten technologically advanced.  It's, of course, not as convenient as a throw-it-away diaper, but the extra hassle is minimal these days especially if you use a service.

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3 minutes ago, anatess2 said:

Anyway... the standard answer to Where Do People Learn This Stuff is FROM THEIR MOTHERS.

Except now that tons of kids are raised by the TV or in day-care, and lack of classes like home economics in HS, homemaking being looked down upon, etc, you have a generation of women who absolutely have 0 clue as to how to actually raise another human being into adulthood.  It is actually quite sad. 

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1 minute ago, anatess2 said:

I don't know why you're arguing.  The answer to anything your wife wants to do with the child is... Yes dear.  ;)

Anyway, reusable diapers are great.  They've gotten technologically advanced.  It's, of course, not as convenient as a throw-it-away diaper, but the extra hassle is minimal these days especially if you use a service.

Yeah that is a battle not worth fighting.  What a lot of people don't understand in marriage, is that they think they always need to make joint decisions.  Nope, total hogwash.  You may need to make joint decisions, but what works really well is giving each person an area of responsibility that they have total control over.  

Your wife will change the majority of diapers, so she gets authority to make the decision what kind she wants, pretty simple.

Don't be egalitarian in your marriage-it doesn't work.  Fulfill the roles you were meant to have, you as husband first father second, her as wife first and mother second.  You do that and it works out, you don't and pain is coming.  The "patriachy" or whatever feminists want to call it, is just the natural God-ordained order of things, anything else just leads to chaos, pain and suffering.

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1 minute ago, mgridle said:

Except now that tons of kids are raised by the TV or in day-care, and lack of classes like home economics in HS, homemaking being looked down upon, etc, you have a generation of women who absolutely have 0 clue as to how to actually raise another human being into adulthood.  It is actually quite sad. 

Yeah.  My life's mission is to increase the number of daughters who, when asked what do you want to be when you grow up, will not answer with a STEM field but would answer - to be a great mother.

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10 minutes ago, anatess2 said:

Yeah.  My life's mission is to increase the number of daughters who, when asked what do you want to be when you grow up, will not answer with a STEM field but would answer - to be a great mother.

Amen!  I do the same with my daughters.

And actually having kids is really NOT that expensive, it's really quite cheap with the added benefit that you get free labor from ages 3-18.  It's beautiful!!   Really, you have to be nuts not to see the benefits . . .you mean for about 15 years for one child I get access to free labor . . .awesome!!!  You get free labor and you get to raise an adult at the same time, what could be better! What can be better than telling the kid-Go mow the yard! beautiful. Want a clean house? hey kid here is a dustpan-go make yourself useful!

When they are little, they are still pretty cheap, 50-100 bucks a month extra in diapers/food.  When they get older you just buy in bulk and make big meals (big meals are more economical too-leftovers are great!).  They destroy (or will destroy) just about anything they touch when young, so buy used clothes off craiglist or a couple that is done with kids.  As for toys, too many toys and they get overwhelmed and become ungrateful little snots. We do a maximum of 3 toys for Christmas and one toy for birthday-the rest . . .shoot they can figure out how to entertain themselves, take a cardboard box and make a fort-they have an imagination-make them use it.

With small kids-never buy new-they just don't need it, notice it, or care.  And they will probably wreck it anyways.

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