A nerdy LDS guy with a lot of childish interests and LDS dating


Recommended Posts

So I was not sure if this belongs here or on the general advice board or the interests board so if it needs to be moved go ahead and I do apologize for posting in the wrong area if so. 

Long story short, I am a 31 year old LDS guy with some childish hobbies and interests. I enjoy weightlifting, walks with family, spending time with family, eating healthier, learning languages ( currently learning Japanese), watching nerdy shows and movies, playing video games sometimes, and collecting action figures and other collectibles. Mostly I like collecting marvel select figures, Godzilla and other monster toys, and some japanese super hero figures. 

I recently got my bachelors degree last year and living at home with my parents until I find my eternal spouse or a career job that requires me to move. I currently work part time at the moment while still seeking full time employment.

During my time in college, dating was not so successful for me and in general have not found my spouse. During my time while I was 30, I dreaded being kicked out of the YSA ward. My bishop felt it was best for me to stay and I have a calling and everything still. Also, there are a few SA a year or two older than me that my bishop lets stay.

I am trying out dating again. I have some self-confidence issues I'm still over coming. My big fear is that women think I am just another typical immature irresponsible man-child nerd who lives in his parents basement and that wont move on in life. Some of this stems from stories and comments from my family members before. When I once talked about wanting to try this one miniatures board game, my Sister-in-law overheard and commented "Girls are not impressed with your action figure collection". I also often hear stories from some of my married friends about their wives making them give up some of their collections (one had to give up his comic book collection and another had to give up his 70s and 80s movie poster collection). Because of this, and hearing the horror stories sisters in the church share about their boyfriends and husbands being addicted to video games or just not have mature conversations beyond family, church, video games, and movies, I am very afraid of telling my interests to dates beyond telling them I like walks, weight lifting, learning japanese, and family. On the other hand, when I start talking to non-member girls, they are supportive of my hobbies and get really shocked when I mention my stories above. 

1. Am I wrong to have these hobbies? Should I give up a big chunk of my hobbies that, while not breaking commandments, are a little bit looked down upon in the church (video games and not sure if toy collecting as an adult is looked down upon in the church)?  I don't expect my spouse to be into everything I'm into and I won't force her to be into it. I also won't put my collections in the master bedroom or anything like that.

2. Is it wrong to collect some female fictional characters? I'm wanting to collect a few marvel legends spiderman and xmen characters. I of course don't get anything breaking the law Chasity. I grew up with the 90s xmen cartoon and my favorite x-men characters include Wolverine, Cyclops, Storm, Jean Grey, Rogue, beast, and gambit. 

3. I welcome any advice in general as I am scared of being myself in general.

I hope my post does not seem too petty. I should also mention I have no student debt, and I put more than half my pay checks into savings. I give myself a little money for dating/fun in general. My parents are letting me live at home very lovingly. I am an RM, and eagle scout. I hold a temple recommend. It took me extra time to finish college as some classes were really difficult for me. I also try not to be too distracted with life and be responsible. My married brothers jokingly pick on me for the fact that I spend less time on video games than they do even though I am single still. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Welcome!

Being a guy and generalizing about women is always dangerous, but I would suggest that you not underestimate what a tremendous factor women consider stability to be in selecting a mate—religious stability, emotional stability, professional stability, and financial stability.

Stability, to a significant degree, is what makes the difference between “nerdy” and “endearingly quirky”.

Get your career and your housing sorted out; and I suspect the dating situation will fall into place more easily than you suppose.  

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hello brother, 

As a single sister I know the pitfalls of dating all to well.

Please don't despair over the situation.It can take time to find your other half and ultimately she will see the kindness and love underneath.

Saying that there are some stuff you need to be clear on - make sure you are putting yourself out there and shine both in person - make sure people know you are looking for your spouse and ask them if they know anyone , attend any YSA events if any near by. Online - get in diffrent lds dating sites or the app mutual it is quite good. 

Most of all when you get a date show there is more to you ... ya you like 'childish thing' which now days more and more girls do but show atually that would come second to a wife and family.She wants to know she can relay on you which mostly you do already.

Show confidence in yourself ...women like a man who knows himself if you are nerdy be nerdy just be confident

But most of all Pray to Heavenly Father for an eternal partner and be willing to accept the answer in HIS time not ours.

I hope this has helped brother and i pray you are blessed with your eternal companion

Link to comment
Share on other sites

When lds women think of a potential husband they are looking for a priesthood leader to preside over their home. They expect to make joint decisions about finances, education of children, lifestyle, and housing. The priesthood leader needs to be able to receive revelation for the family.

Have you been to the temple lately? Why not start going on a regular basis and listen carefully to the endowment ceremony. You want to bring the spirit of the temple to your home. At a minimum, this requires morning/evening prayers, daily scripture reading.

In the Christ centred lds home, the father is a religious leader in tune with the spirit. Being in tune with the spirit tends to mean spending less time doing things that amuse you and spending more time in service to others. A marriage for lds people is a journey towards eternity. This journey will involve personal sacrifice. If you cannot sacrifice your personal desires for the priorities of God, you are unlikely to achieve exaltation. Your future spouse does not want to be unequally yoked to a husband who will not be with her in eternity. 

Edited by Sunday21
Link to comment
Share on other sites

First of all, don't overthink this and let a few bad examples color your perception of women in general. I married a woman who likes nerdy things as well (geeky LDS girls are awesome☺), so you can find girls with similiar interests. The important thing to remember is that a wife who respects you, would never ask you to give up cherished hobbies just because she isn't interested in them herself. Plus the fact that you are a worthy holder of the priesthood will be a huge plus for you. Marriage is based on mutual respect for each other and open communication, and trust me there are plenty of good LDS gals who believe firmly in those two principles. Get out there and start dating. Be honest about all your likes and dislikes. Dating is all about finding someone compatible with you, and if you date a girl who isn't compatible, you move on to the next one. Remember Paul's admonition in 2 Timothy 1:7 "For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind." Best of luck in your search brother.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

9 hours ago, darthzilla99 said:

So I was not sure if this belongs here or on the general advice board or the interests board so if it needs to be moved go ahead and I do apologize for posting in the wrong area if so. 

Long story short, I am a 31 year old LDS guy with some childish hobbies and interests. I enjoy weightlifting, walks with family, spending time with family, eating healthier, learning languages ( currently learning Japanese), watching nerdy shows and movies, playing video games sometimes, and collecting action figures and other collectibles. Mostly I like collecting marvel select figures, Godzilla and other monster toys, and some japanese super hero figures. 

I recently got my bachelors degree last year and living at home with my parents until I find my eternal spouse or a career job that requires me to move. I currently work part time at the moment while still seeking full time employment.

During my time in college, dating was not so successful for me and in general have not found my spouse. During my time while I was 30, I dreaded being kicked out of the YSA ward. My bishop felt it was best for me to stay and I have a calling and everything still. Also, there are a few SA a year or two older than me that my bishop lets stay.

I am trying out dating again. I have some self-confidence issues I'm still over coming. My big fear is that women think I am just another typical immature irresponsible man-child nerd who lives in his parents basement and that wont move on in life. Some of this stems from stories and comments from my family members before. When I once talked about wanting to try this one miniatures board game, my Sister-in-law overheard and commented "Girls are not impressed with your action figure collection". I also often hear stories from some of my married friends about their wives making them give up some of their collections (one had to give up his comic book collection and another had to give up his 70s and 80s movie poster collection). Because of this, and hearing the horror stories sisters in the church share about their boyfriends and husbands being addicted to video games or just not have mature conversations beyond family, church, video games, and movies, I am very afraid of telling my interests to dates beyond telling them I like walks, weight lifting, learning japanese, and family. On the other hand, when I start talking to non-member girls, they are supportive of my hobbies and get really shocked when I mention my stories above. 

1. Am I wrong to have these hobbies? Should I give up a big chunk of my hobbies that, while not breaking commandments, are a little bit looked down upon in the church (video games and not sure if toy collecting as an adult is looked down upon in the church)?  I don't expect my spouse to be into everything I'm into and I won't force her to be into it. I also won't put my collections in the master bedroom or anything like that.

2. Is it wrong to collect some female fictional characters? I'm wanting to collect a few marvel legends spiderman and xmen characters. I of course don't get anything breaking the law Chasity. I grew up with the 90s xmen cartoon and my favorite x-men characters include Wolverine, Cyclops, Storm, Jean Grey, Rogue, beast, and gambit. 

3. I welcome any advice in general as I am scared of being myself in general.

I hope my post does not seem too petty. I should also mention I have no student debt, and I put more than half my pay checks into savings. I give myself a little money for dating/fun in general. My parents are letting me live at home very lovingly. I am an RM, and eagle scout. I hold a temple recommend. It took me extra time to finish college as some classes were really difficult for me. I also try not to be too distracted with life and be responsible. My married brothers jokingly pick on me for the fact that I spend less time on video games than they do even though I am single still. 

Your hobbies are not an issue.  You thinking them to be an issue is really the issue.

What is your life plan?  Is your life plan to live with your parents and collect action figures?  There is nothing wrong with the collecting.  Living with the parents is a pretty big turn off.  Chicks don't want a mama's boy.  They want a take charge guy.  Not an overbearing guy, but a take charge guy.  Living at home working on collections while having a part time job is not the type of person that would spark my interest if I were a young lass.

I would be more interested in someone that has a plan and has show that he is executing it effectively.  They want the cave man that can go out and kill the beast, bring it home for dinner and provide the comfy cave.  They especially don't want a whiner either.  People that complain all the time are weak.  They want a guy that will slay the issues that come in front of them.  Don't have money for a new car?  You go out and figure out how to get the money or some other (hopefully legal) means of obtaining it.

Confidence is not being able to do everything.  It is knowing that you have the ability to accomplish something that you set out to do.  Everyone can do this.  Can you make a million dollars this week?  Highly unlikely.  But you can certainly take steps towards making the million in the future.  It is having a can do attitude.  It is knowing that even if you fail at something, you are going to get right back up the horse and keep going.  You have some good accomplishments to your name, let those be some form of base for your new confidence.

What steps are you taking to be a good provider?  How focused are you on doing this?  You don't have to give up your hobbies, but honestly they seem like the center of your life right now.  Put that part of your life on hold, or scale it back.  

When dating, tell her of your hopes and aspirations (hopefully this does not include collections).  They need to be hopes and aspirations that paint you as a competent provider.  Make sure you have fun things that you and your future GF/wife can do together.  Both my wife and myself have hobbies the other isn't interested in.  Never been a problem.  The problem is not having hobbies that you do together.  

Like someone else said, you don't have to change much, just be a confident you.  

I'll tell you a story of a young stallion.  True story by the way.  He came from good lineage.  Worth well over $200k 30 years ago.  When the ranch bought the stallion, the young horse had been hand bred.  He didn't have to do any work to attend to the mares.  But once arriving at the ranch, things were different for him.  gone were the days of things being handed to him.  He still wanted "love"  but the lady horses kicked the crap out of him when he tried to get some loving.  The young stallion was beaten up pretty good, but the ranch manager didn't help him out.  If the young stallion was to get some love again, he had to have confidence in himself, and this young stallion did.  After 6 months to a year, and after many failed attempts and getting the snot kicked out of him, he figured out what the lady horses wanted and he finally took charge.  And after that first year, he finally figured out how to get the "love" he wanted without getting beat up in the process.

Don't be afraid of failures.  Use them as learning experiences.  Trust that you will figure it out.  But to figure it out, you have to try and try again.  

Link to comment
Share on other sites

11 hours ago, darthzilla99 said:

Long story short, I am a 31 year old LDS guy with some childish hobbies and interests. I enjoy weightlifting, walks with family, spending time with family, eating healthier, learning languages ( currently learning Japanese), watching nerdy shows and movies, playing video games sometimes, and collecting action figures and other collectibles. Mostly I like collecting marvel select figures, Godzilla and other monster toys, and some japanese super hero figures. 

Sounds good so far.

Quote

I recently got my bachelors degree last year and living at home with my parents until I find my eternal spouse or a career job that requires me to move. I currently work part time at the moment while still seeking full time employment.

Sounds good so far.

Quote

During my time in college, dating was not so successful for me and in general have not found my spouse. During my time while I was 30, I dreaded being kicked out of the YSA ward. My bishop felt it was best for me to stay and I have a calling and everything still. Also, there are a few SA a year or two older than me that my bishop lets stay.

"Not so successful".  Could you expound?  What do you see as the impediment to your success here?

Quote

I am trying out dating again. I have some self-confidence issues I'm still over coming.

Well, there it is.  You need to work on self-esteem.  That is VERY important.

Quote

My big fear is that women think I am just another typical immature irresponsible man-child nerd who lives in his parents basement and that wont move on in life.

Well, are you?  The obvious question is: If you have a degree and are gainfully employed, why are you still living with your parents? 

I honestly don't know if it is a good or bad thing.  But in today's society, this is certainly a negative in the eyes of many women.  On the one hand, you still have the influence of your parents to keep you close to the gospel.  On the other hand, there's the common sentiment: If he's not married by now, what's wrong with him?

Quote

Some of this stems from stories and comments from my family members before. When I once talked about wanting to try this one miniatures board game, my Sister-in-law overheard and commented "Girls are not impressed with your action figure collection".

.....

1. Am I wrong to have these hobbies? Should I give up a big chunk of my hobbies that, while not breaking commandments, are a little bit looked down upon in the church (video games and not sure if toy collecting as an adult is looked down upon in the church)?  I don't expect my spouse to be into everything I'm into and I won't force her to be into it. I also won't put my collections in the master bedroom or anything like that.

My wife is into these things more than I am.  It hasn't hurt our relationship.  I do believe that gamer women are less common in the Church than out.  But I was lucky enough to find one.  

However, you may not be so lucky.  Sometimes, sacrifices must be made.  If you truly do find your eternal companion, then would you be willing to give all that up to be with her?

Quote

2. Is it wrong to collect some female fictional characters? I'm wanting to collect a few marvel legends spiderman and xmen characters. I of course don't get anything breaking the law Chasity. I grew up with the 90s xmen cartoon and my favorite x-men characters include Wolverine, Cyclops, Storm, Jean Grey, Rogue, beast, and gambit. 

Actually, this is one thing my wife and I discussed.  Comics are comics. They're not usually thought of as pornographic.  But we stared noticing some things about how provocatively many things are drawn.  I later learned that comic book artists do that on purpose.  They basically draw naked women, then paint them in a color other than flesh tones to pretend it is just skin-tight clothing.  But they're basically nude images.  (If you've seen the image of Jean Grey/Phoenix image sitting on a throne, you'll know what I mean.)  Then there were some comics that were just plain dark and showed a LOT of skin stopping just shy of the "safe for television" line.  But quite honestly, it was porn.  It was provocative images of the human body deliberately designed to get a titillating reaction from the viewer.  And it did.

We also became more aware of how much sex there was in comics.  It was "just part of the story".  So, we didn't think about it much.  But we felt that the Spirit was telling us to stop.

Once we discovered this, and we felt prompted by the Spirit, we gave it all up.  We stopped buying comics.  I still try to keep up on storylines from time to time by reading online summaries (all text).

Edited by Guest
Link to comment
Share on other sites

15 minutes ago, Carborendum said:

Well, are you?  The obvious question is: If you have a degree and are gainfully employed, why are you still living with your parents? 

I honestly don't know if it is a good or bad thing.  But in today's society, this is certainly a negative in the eyes of many women.  On the one hand, you still have the influence of your parents to keep you close to the gospel.  On the other hand, there's the common sentiment: If he's not married by now, what's wrong with him?

Some, perhaps unfounded (but knowledge is power), assumptions about a man living in his parents' home, as it relates to "my" future as his wife:

1) Is he used to being cleaned up after, rather than cleaning up after himself?  (IOW: will I be marrying a slob?)

2) Will he have a clue how to fix the hot water heater or the shingles?  Does he have any idea how to maintain one's own home?

3) Does he have any idea how expensive it is and how much disposable income (for things like action figures) he's going to have to give up when the bills start rolling in?

4) Is he going to do his share (whatever we agree is his share) without constant nagging (contrary to popular opinion, I submit that few women like to be a nag, but they do like to know that when Saturday (or whatever) rolls around, their husband (of his own accord) will be out mowing the lawn rather than putting it off until some later day (when the yard looks hideous) because he's playing a game and doesn't want to stop)?

In short, I submit that like @Just_A_Guy said above, most women want a man who is responsible, stable, reliable - who does the necessary things first, and the fun things when the necessary is done.  Of course, two people need to have some serious discussions to define these terms and expectations for themselves.

(PS: I don't agree with everything that's been said in this thread about what women do / don't want, but I agree with the stability / responsibility bit.  This likely just means that you shouldn't assume anything, but get specifics from the woman in question.)

(PPS: I hate few interactions more than those wherein the other party needs to make a decision and they stand around hemming and hawing.  Make up your mind already!  That probably goes to the confidence comments made earlier.)

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hi @darthzilla99, I'm writing this as a 31 year old LDS lady who spent last night watching the new SAO:GGO (with my husband), last played D&D this morning (with my husband), and am currently listening to video game soundtracks.  There *are* nerdy girls out there that enjoy the same hobbies you do (I actually find higher nerdiness in LDS populations).  Your hobbies aren't the issue here.  Here are some pointers:

-Don't generalize about womEn.  See every womAn as an individual and get to know her as an individual. Yes, this does take time and energy, and many times she isn't going to be into the same stuff you are-- still you got to keep trying.  

- Women are attracted to men.  Not boys.  You got to be an adult.  You got a Bachelor's-- that's great.  Now, what's your life plan?  Career?  Not a full-time job, a career.  Get a plan, your own place, and act on the plan.  Show her how you ready to be a husband. 

-Work on improving yourself.  You said you've been working on your self-confidence issues, and that's great.  Keep working on it and keep improving yourself.  

Link to comment
Share on other sites

11 hours ago, darthzilla99 said:

I recently got my bachelors degree last year and living at home with my parents until I find my eternal spouse or a career job that requires me to move.

 

11 hours ago, darthzilla99 said:

I have some self-confidence issues I'm still over coming. My big fear is that women think I am just another typical immature irresponsible man-child nerd who lives in his parents basement and that wont move on in life.

Nerd has nothing to do with it.  You already know what the problem is: so get off your tush and do something about it. Yes, your "big fear" is not a fear-it is truth that you are unwilling to admit to yourself, so instead of confronting it and dealing with it you couch it in emotional terms of "fear".

Scriptures tell us that we are to leave our mother and father and become one with our spouse. What exactly have you done to demonstrate to a prospective wife that you are not only willing, but able and ready to become one with your spouse.  Like it's just going to magically happen; you meet the woman of your dreams and poof all the sudden you stop living in your parents house?  Come on that's ludicrous.

Right now the only type of woman who will marry you is one who sees you as someone who she can easily control and manipulate.  You don't want to move until you find something that requires you to move?  Come on man, that's not someone who is in control of their own life-that is someone who wants, needs, expects others to control them.  Now if you want to be controlled by a manipulative, control freak the rest of your life continue on your current path and if you are lucky you might just find one. Otherwise recognize the only one who really requires things of yourself is you- i.e. you are the one who is in control (only of yourself mind you, but you are in control).

11 hours ago, darthzilla99 said:

 My parents are letting me live at home very lovingly.  I am an RM, and eagle scout.

They aren't loving you, they are enabling you.

My guess is they were highly involved in your decisions and/or process to become an Eagle Scout and RM-they probably filled out paperwork for you, pushed you along, etc, they probably saw those accomplishments as metrics on whether they were "good parents" and thus they did everything they could to get you to earn those things (at your expense by-the-way).  They were selfish (even if they didn't understand it) and set their own emotional needs (i.e. look at my son, what a great son he is and look at us aren't we great parents!) above your own (by forcing you to take charge of and be responsible for your own life).

11 hours ago, darthzilla99 said:

I have some self-confidence issues I'm still over coming.

I'm glad you said self-confidence vs. self-esteem they are two vastly different things with vastly different consequences and vastly different ways of gaining. Self-esteem is thinking highly of oneself (look at me, look at how great I am!), most people who have high self-esteem are massive jerks that only think of themselves.  Self-confidence is the ability to be independent and responsible for your own life and your own actions.

Self-esteem comes about by having others tell you how great you are.

Self-confidence comes about by you yourself doing things to improve you life, yourself, your situation.  

Self-esteem requires that people tell you how great you are when you royally screw-up.

Self-confidence requires that you honestly admit how bad you royally screwed-up, but that screwing up and failures is just a part of life and it's a way of learning how to be better and a way to grow and gain more experience and knowledge.

Unless there is a noble reason for living with your parents (i.e. they have massive health problems, taking care of them, etc.), you will NEVER gain what you are looking for until you take ownership of your own life, empower yourself, move out and be responsible for your own life.  When you are responsible for your own life-then you will find the women who you want to date will become available to you. 

If you don't, you will marry someone who will do to you what your parents are doing to you, enabling you and controlling you.

Self-confidence can only come about by doing things and accomplishing things yourself. There is no other path to self-confidence, it requires actually setting goals of things you want in life and then by doing things by yourself.

Edited by mgridle
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Everyone thanks for the advice. For those of you who decided to character assassinate my parents, you are more wrong about them than Napoléon Bonaparte was when he invaded Russia during winter. You can criticize me all you want and it's just water off a duck's back to me, but leave my family alone. They put me through college and my mission because they love me and so I do not have to go through unnecessary debt. Also, saying being required to move could you know mean get a career job that is located more than an hour plus drive from my current home. Also, they let me live at home rent free and other necessary expenses so that I can save money for my marriage and life.  I also made it clear that even though my current job is only part time, I'm 1. Putting more than half my paychecks into my savings and 2. taking a little bit out of my paychecks for my dating funds and some fun for me (which might include the occasional nerd hobby). More of that amount in point 2 is for dating budget purposes. 

I should not have to explain this, but I already spend most of my non-work time looking for a full time career job. I go to networking events when my work schedule permits (which I found my current job through such an event BTW), I apply online during my off hours, and now recently my parents have now been called as the ward employment specialists. Not long ago I was going to a Saturday internship in addition to my current job. I also had another full time internship back in October which expired in November. On the days I do not have work,  in addition to any networking events that day, I also go to the companies I applying to online in person as well to give them a physical copy of my resume and other info. This is how I have obtained job interviews.

So let me ask, assuming I got a career job close to my current home (if some company offers me a position outside my 1 +hour driving range from home, I will move then) why should I move out before marriage just to pay rent and other expenses when if I stay with parents I can save that money towards a future house with my spouse one day? (I'm just throwing random numbers here), If say I gross earn $2400 a month, net pay is 1584.64, pay $240 in tithing, pay say $100 in fast offerings, why not save $900 to my savings account and give myself $344.64 to use for dates and personal fun? Out of that $344.64, $100 is given for my own personal fun and the other $244.64 is used for dates. Why should I move out just because society tells me to if it means less money overall into my savings account? 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

39 minutes ago, darthzilla99 said:

So let me ask, assuming I got a career job close to my current home (if some company offers me a position outside my 1 +hour driving range from home, I will move then) why should I move out before marriage just to pay rent and other expenses when if I stay with parents I can save that money towards a future house with my spouse one day? (I'm just throwing random numbers here), If say I gross earn $2400 a month, net pay is 1584.64, pay $240 in tithing, pay say $100 in fast offerings, why not save $900 to my savings account and give myself $344.64 to use for dates and personal fun? Out of that $344.64, $100 is given for my own personal fun and the other $244.64 is used for dates. Why should I move out just because society tells me to if it means less money overall into my savings account? 

Simple... you see a girl you might like and hope she is going to like you back.  As part of the initial first impression she finds out you still live with mom...  Do you think that bit of knowledge will increase or decrease your chances?

If you like your odds stay home... if you think you need all the help you can get consider moving out

Link to comment
Share on other sites

8 minutes ago, estradling75 said:

Simple... you see a girl you might like and hope she is going to like you back.  As part of the initial first impression she finds out you still live with mom...  Do you think that bit of knowledge will increase or decrease your chances?

If you like your odds stay home... if you think you need all the help you can get consider moving out

I'm not even sure that is really as much of an issue that it might have been years ago.  Times are tougher these days and more and more are choosing to live at home.  I have absolutely no problem with one of my kids moving back home.  I know how rough it can be out there.  

Link to comment
Share on other sites

9 hours ago, mgridle said:

 

 

Self-confidence can only come about by doing things and accomplishing things yourself. There is no other path to self-confidence, it requires actually setting goals of things you want in life and then by doing things by yourself.

You didn't listen to a word, did you?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

7 minutes ago, pam said:

I'm not even sure that is really as much of an issue that it might have been years ago.  Times are tougher these days and more and more are choosing to live at home.  I have absolutely no problem with one of my kids moving back home.  I know how rough it can be out there.  

No it's not "rough" out there. Unemployment rate is 4.1% . . .how is that rough?  If you want a job, you can get a job.  Economically speaking it is in no way, shape or form rough.  It's actually pretty dang good.  If this is rough . . .whoa buddy wait till the next recession-that will be rough. 

Sure it might be expensive. . . .but it's always been expensive. You share an apartment . . .it's called growing up.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Darth - 

Let me tell you a bit of my personal story. 

I come from a military family. For the first eight years of my life, I moved constantly. My action figures quickly became my best friends as a result; real friends would come and go after a few months, but plastic was forever. I continued on collecting toys well past the age most people were supposed to grow out of them, meaning that many people - including my own family - had rather unpleasant things to say to and about me. This included people questioning my mental health. 

Things changed when the first live-action "Transformers" movie came out in 2007. Suddenly, I went from being "the freak people were ashamed of" to "the guru who understood what their kids were going on about and knew how to get it at a fair price". Many of the very same people who had said such hurtful things to me in the past suddenly wanted my help. I had to forgive a lot of things in the name of helping their kids and grandkids, things that still burn a bit. A part of me actually wonders what would happen if I finally had it out. 

So what am I doing now? 

I'm the entertainment critic for a local family of newspapers. I have an opinion column every Tuesday and a movie review every Friday. 

Yes, I do still live at home... because I had an extended series of financial setbacks. The recession cost me a good entry-level office job, leaving me doing odd jobs for 13 months. Right when I finished rebuilding my finances from that courtesy of the newspaper, a snafu beyond my control cost me my financial aid; I had to pay an entire calendar year of grad school out of pocket. The laptop I was using for work died at an inopportune time, and I had to take one of my accounts down to get a new one since I had a deadline. Obamacare's eating me alive financially; I'm now paying about 60% of my pay each month to an insurance policy so terrible that the kidney stones I had two years ago cost me $2200 out - of - pocket. My finances are a mess right now, such that I simply can't afford rent on my own. 

If you really are, indeed, saving up for a new house, that's nothing to be ashamed of. Just make it clear to people that you're indeed looking. Say, for example, make it a point to look at real estate listings from time to time so that you know. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

4 minutes ago, mgridle said:

?? What the heck are you talking about.

Your response was so acidic as to effectively take away his humanity. 

You presumed the worst of him and let him have it. 

2 minutes ago, mgridle said:

No it's not "rough" out there. Unemployment rate is 4.1% . . .how is that rough?  If you want a job, you can get a job.  Economically speaking it is in no way, shape or form rough.  It's actually pretty dang good.  If this is rough . . .whoa buddy wait till the next recession-that will be rough. 

Sure it might be expensive. . . .but it's always been expensive. You share an apartment . . .it's called growing up.

It may be 4.1% nationally, but various areas still have their own regional quirks when it comes to employment and so those factors should be considered. 

In my area, for example, I could make double or even triple my newspaper wages if I took up as a security guard at one of the local prisons. Why haven't I? I blew my knee in an accident a few years ago; I'd never pass the physical. Office jobs are tight around here unless I want to spend all day in a call center, and so the newspaper it is. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

As far as dating goes, you're not alone. 

When I was a teenager, the stake priesthood leadership sounded the drum beat of missionary work. 

All young men were to serve missions, and all young women were to reject any potential romantic interest who hadn't served. 

No questions asked. 

When my maternal grandmother developed Alzheimer's, I stayed home - even ignoring an offer from a fairly prestigious school - to help my mom take care of her, going to local colleges instead. 

Remember what I said about no questions being asked? 

It very quickly became apparent that even though I chose to help my family in a time of crisis, I was untouchable. Given the presence of a major military base in the area, dating non-members wasn't much of an option, either; there was a steady pool of young grunts with paychecks, and I wasn't earning enough to keep up. 

Not helping matters any is the fact that like everyone else on my mom's side of the family, I got hit with the family "curse" and so started going grey at 27. 

My last real girlfriend was 13 years ago. I screwed something up, and we drifted apart. I've been by myself since. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

1 hour ago, darthzilla99 said:

Everyone thanks for the advice. For those of you who decided to character assassinate my parents, you are more wrong about them than Napoléon Bonaparte was when he invaded Russia during winter. You can criticize me all you want and it's just water off a duck's back to me, but leave my family alone. They put me through college and my mission because they love me and so I do not have to go through unnecessary debt.

Dude, I'm not "character assassinating" your parents.  And please don't be passive aggressive-if you have a problem with something I said, just please directly address me about it, don't passively aggresively say "those who decide to character assassinate". And no, it's not water off a duck's back, if it was your wouldn't passive aggressively dig me on it.

You may not like the truth, but it is the truth and I was right.  They paid for your college and your mission-you didn't earn it yourself.  I understand that this is the way things are done these days. I understand that parents these days do everything for their child so they don't have debt, can live a better life, etc. etc. etc. The problem is that is doesn't work and it actually causes more problems than it solves.  Yes your parents are and have enabled you.

If you paid for college and your mission on your own, you wouldn't be living at home and you wouldn't be complaining about low self-confidence and you wouldn't be complaining about no girls.

You asked and the main problem is about low self-confidence.  I'm telling you why you have low self-confidence.  Your parents have enabled you your entire life by doing things for you that you are perfectly capable of doing for yourself and thus b/c you are unsure of your own abilities (b/c others have done it for you), you have low self-confidence.

This is really simple and really easy.  Again I'm not character assassinating your parents, I'm telling you what they have done (I'm not attributing malice to what they have done).  That's not character assassination. I don't think they are bad or evil people, I think they were duped by modern society and consequently screwed up your upbringing, but that's not malice.

It's very simple, it goes like this (and this is a true story).  My 5-year old son constantly told me "I can't tie my own shoes", "I can't, I can't".  For the longest time, we tied his shoes for him.  I still got "I can't do it".  Eventually, it got to the point, that I knew he could do it, I had confidence in him that he could do it, but he didn't have confidence he could do it.  So one day, I just told him no, I'm not doing it for you-I know you can learn how to do it yourself, you do it. And guess what . . .he did! What would have happened had I continued to tie his shoe-I would have demonstrated by action that I didn't have confidence that he could do it himself.

Oddly enough man, (and I'll blow your mind), I have more confidence in you than your parents have in you. Why? B/c I know you can survive on your own.  I know you can get a job, regardless of distances, etc, (all that is just excuses), and I know you can live on your own without your parents help.

No you may not like my response, you don't have to, you can throw it in the trash-it's your life not mine.  But if you want to fix your life, you will recognize this problem and if you do choose to fix your life you will look back in x # of years and say . . .hmm you know what mgridle was actually right all along.

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

Loading...
 Share