Comin' out of the closet...


unixknight
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No, not THAT closet...

I'm an introvert. I mean, that isn't really news to me per se, in the sense that if you asked me a year ago if I was an introvert I would have said yes, but it wasn't until very recently that I actually began to understand what that really meant, and how accurate it is to say that I am an introvert.

I hate that word, just by the way it sounds, and yet I find myself repeating it over and over in my mind, because it's a word for all of my weird personality traits, the things I do that I can't seem to control, and my preferences and actions that have caused me massive guilt over the years.

Most people don't know what an introvert is. Most of the people who think they know actually don't either. I didn't. An introvert is someone whose brain structure is wired a bit differently than most other people. We are energized and happy when we are alone, and it takes mental energy for us to be with other people, especially in large social environments. It isn't necessarily that we don't like to socialize, it's just that after we do, we need time alone to rest and recover. We think differently, we see things differently. We think deeply and long, and I'd venture to say we're some of the most insightful and deepest thinkers to be found anywhere, if I may say so myself. We struggle sometimes with social awkwardness. We become overstimulated easily because our brains process EVERYTHING we see and hear, constantly, and so our minds are always working hard, even when we're sitting still and quietly. Dealing with other people in noisy environments tires our brains out quickly and we often find excuses to leave early or not come out to gatherings at all. We do best when we speak slowly, and we fall behind quickly in a fast paced conversation. Our social awkwardness comes from trying to fake it and be like everybody else...

I'm posting this because maybe I'm not the only one who was going through life not understanding why I did things the way I did.

When I was a kid growing up, I had a brother who was about 12 years older than I. I looked up to him so very much. He was the kind of big brother who would stick up for me, and often dealt with neighborhood bullies if they'd been picking on me and my friends. He was into Dungeons & Dragons, horror movies and sci-fi. It always stuns me a bit when I think about how much of my personality and interests come from him as a template. He had a quick sense of humor and some of the proudest moments of my young life that I can remember came from times when I fired off a joke that made him laugh. He wasn't perfect of course, and could be a jerk sometimes, but I loved him so much and wanted to be like him in so many ways.

But my brother was an extrovert. He enjoyed being around people. He liked to go to parties, hang out with friends, travel with people. I rarely saw him alone, though he always seemed willing to make time for me. He was more of an example for me of what I wanted to be like than even my own father who I suspect was also an extrovert but I'm honestly not sure. I have tried so hard, in many ways to be like my brother and, to a lesser degree, my dad.

But I can't be, at least not entirely. And I've only just realized it. I can joke, I can make people laugh, I'm told I have a pretty good sense of humor, but the problem is, I can't make you laugh if I don't know you. I'm socially inept around people I don't know. I have felt embarrassment about it, but always chalked it up to some other factor. I tend to over share. (Doing it right now, I bet). I tend to crack jokes at the wrong times. I tend to try to be jovial, open and friendly like my brother was, but most of the time I just seem to find myself wishing I could have a do-over.

Often times I'll make plans with my friends but cancel on them at or near the last minute because I just want nothing more than to stay home in sweats and a t-shirt and keep to myself. I almost never go to parties of any kind. When I do, it's because I feel obligated and I spend every minute I'm there wondering about how long I have to stay before I've been there long enough to leave without being rude. My friends sometimes get annoyed at me (which I understand completely) and I had become known as the guy who was the most difficult person in my circle of friends to draw out of his house. The fact that I have kids is a massive blessing for me because they provide me all the excuse I need to stay at home when I want to, which is most of the time.

A few years ago, I had signed up to participate in a Warmachine tournament up at he now defunct DropZone game store. I knew I'd get my butt kicked up between my shoulder blades but I was fine with that. I wanted to become a better Warmachine player and to so that you have to lose a lot of games.... but as I got closer and closer to the store I felt an increasing sense of dread, like I just didn't want to go. I wound up arriving late, but not so late that I couldn't enter. One of the tournament organizers was playing since they had an odd number of people show up, but with my arrival, problem solved! He could get out of having to play and just focus on running the tournament. But as I stood there, looking at the massive number of players (man, this tournament was bigger than I anticipated) and the crowd, and the idea that I'd have to meet and play 3 new people and here I was, all by myself, none of my friends around...

I panicked. I declined to enter the tournament. The T.O. assured me it would be great if I played, that things had only just gotten started and there was plenty of time but... I just couldn't. I went out of there with my tail tucked between my legs, guilt and embarrassment swirling around me. I felt like a complete coward and jerk. I didn't understand why I did that, but I knew I'd probably do it again, so never again did I sign up for another tournament for any game.

I've felt so broken for so long. I though there really was something horribly wrong with me that resulted in my doing such odd and contradictory things. I wanted to be like my brother. Social, open, always happy in a crowd... I tried to force it. I used to go to DropZone every week on Thursdays after work with the idea of making friends and playing games.

I did this for a year.

I played so few actual games I could count them on one hand. No, I don't mean I played few game systems. I mean I played a game with somebody only a handful of times. 2 games of Infinity, one game of Warmachine and 2 games of Firestorm Armada. The rest of the time I just hung out, watched others play, and tried to look like I fit in there. The only time I was happy when playing a game there was with my friends, but even then it took a lot out of me and when the game was over, all I wanted to do was go home and hide in my introvert den.

Yeah, I'm the guy who built the Space Marine cosplay and in the span of two hours probably had 150 people come up to have their picture taken with me at a convention in DC in 2016. It was fun for a while, but when my comrades and I doffed our armor for a break, they got dressed back up afterward and returned to the crowd while I couldn't even bear the thought. I made up a story about my body feeling tired and sore. That wasn't entirely a lie, but it wasn't the main reason. I needed to be alone, or at least, as alone as possible.

All these weird things I've done while trying to be someone I'm not finally make sense to me. I'm an introvert who has been trying to behave like an extrovert, because the people in my life I have looked up to were extroverted, as far as I can tell, and I wanted to emulate them.

Can't do it anymore. Turns out, my way of thinking, feeling and seeing the world are perfectly normal for an introvert. Turns out, I'm not as broken as I thought. Funny thing is, we talk about being introverted as if it's a bad thing. Honestly, I wouldn't change it if I could. Being an introvert lets me understand and think about things on a level that's exciting and fun. It's what has helped me to be successful in my career and I wouldn't change it for the world. Yes, it means I'm not so much like my brother as I once wanted, but I'm okay with that. I have a lot of good things in my life that I learned from him and they're not going to go away. I'll still play D&D with smaller groups, I'll still play wargames with my friends and I'll still NOT play online multiplayer much.

If this feels familiar to you, and you'd like to learn more, Introvert, Dear is a site with support and information for introverted people.

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15 minutes ago, unixknight said:

I'm an introvert. I mean, that isn't really news to me per se, in the sense that if you asked me a year ago if I was an introvert I would have said yes, but it wasn't until very recently that I actually began to understand what that really meant, and how accurate it is to say that I am an introvert.

Very glad to hear this.  You are a wonderful person and this board is lucking to have you participating in it!

For what it's worth, i think those who wrestle with that gnawing awareness of one's own social ineptitude and sense of "otherness" creates some very deep souls.  i don't know how deep is too deep.  

As you have stated, the things one's feelings whisper about us are not always true.  Like how pain whispers that we must be bad or how aloofness (being introverted in this context) whispers that we must be broken.  i honestly wonder what will be left when the suffering - and it's effects - that shaped us is wiped away.  i tend to think that those who looked the worst off will no longer look that way.  Like a car carrying a 1500 pound load going crawling up the grade that suddenly loses its load and crests the mountain.  If that makes any sense.  Anyways, i hope you find the peace you are looking for.  It sounds like you've found some of it just now.

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1 hour ago, unixknight said:

I'm an introvert.

Welcome to the club -- sort of (see below).  So are about 1/3 to 1/2 of the frequenters to this site.

1 hour ago, unixknight said:

An introvert is someone whose brain structure is wired a bit differently than most other people. We are energized and happy when we are alone, and it takes mental energy for us to be with other people, especially in large social environments. It isn't necessarily that we don't like to socialize, it's just that after we do, we need time alone to rest and recover.

Yes.  My wife had told me that from one of the books she'd read on the topic.  I guess I can see that.

1 hour ago, unixknight said:

I'm posting this because maybe I'm not the only one who was going through life not understanding why I did things the way I did.

You're not.  Plenty of introverts everywhere. Good people and bad.

1 hour ago, unixknight said:

...but as I got closer and closer to the store I felt an increasing sense of dread, like I just didn't want to go. I wound up arriving late, but not so late that I couldn't enter. One of the tournament organizers was playing since they had an odd number of people show up, but with my arrival, problem solved! He could get out of having to play and just focus on running the tournament. But as I stood there, looking at the massive number of players (man, this tournament was bigger than I anticipated) and the crowd, and the idea that I'd have to meet and play 3 new people and here I was, all by myself, none of my friends around...

I panicked...

Yup.  Felt it.  I know exactly what you're talking about.

1 hour ago, unixknight said:

All these weird things I've done while trying to be someone I'm not finally make sense to me. I'm an introvert who has been trying to behave like an extrovert, because the people in my life I have looked up to were extroverted, as far as I can tell, and I wanted to emulate them.

Can't do it anymore. Turns out, my way of thinking, feeling and seeing the world are perfectly normal for an introvert. Turns out, I'm not as broken as I thought. Funny thing is, we talk about being introverted as if it's a bad thing. 

Well, that's cool.  If that works for you, then good on ya.

I found it didn't work for me.  I had certain goals in life that required me to socialize and get out there shaking hands with people I didn't know.  I had to learn to do those things that come naturally to others.  For them, it was their nature.  For me, it was a learned skill.  Yes, I was at a severe disadvantage.

Whenever I forced myself into this, I felt the same panic you described.  And I even acted out in weird ways and sabotaged myself many times because I simply couldn't handle all that was happening in my mind.  The panic.  The feeling like everyone is looking at me.  The feeling that everyone is wondering what I'm doing there.  The feeling that I just didn't belong.

One trick I used to get over this major hurdle was the "fear" mantra from Dune.  It actually helped.  But I had to apply it in a very specific way.  I have not turned into an extrovert.  But I'm not sure I'm an introvert anymore.  I'm something else.

I also applied something that I later realized was mentioned in the movie "What about Bob."  "If I fake it, then I don't have it."  I did not like going into a crowd because I thought people were all staring at me.  But if I were the main attraction, then I wasn't "afraid" people "might" be looking at me.  I knew they were all paying attention to me for a reason.  Somewhow that all made it ok.  I'm not sure if that would work for you.

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12 hours ago, zil said:

Welcome back, @unixknight!  Thanks for the post.  My life would have been a lot different and easier if introversion weren't seen as an attitude problem.

Hehe thanks.

  And I know what you mean there.  I've gotten into a lot of trouble over the course of my life for not making enough of an effort to go to social gatherings, for not making more of an effort to interact with people, for not participating in activities...  And I always felt confused.  "Why am I being punished for just wanting to keep to myself and be left alone?  Is my presence really so critical that I'm injuring others by staying at home with a book?"

I mean, yeah it's different when it's family or close friends.  Then I just gird up the loins and go... but otherwise... feth.

12 hours ago, Connie said:

I'm right there with ya, bro.

Image result for introverts unite

That's funny and I like the meme.  I do just want to point out though that not all introverts dislike socializing.  Some of us do like it, but it takes a lot out of us so we don't have a ton of stamina for it.

12 hours ago, lostinwater said:

Very glad to hear this.  You are a wonderful person and this board is lucking to have you participating in it!

For what it's worth, i think those who wrestle with that gnawing awareness of one's own social ineptitude and sense of "otherness" creates some very deep souls.  i don't know how deep is too deep.  

As you have stated, the things one's feelings whisper about us are not always true.  Like how pain whispers that we must be bad or how aloofness (being introverted in this context) whispers that we must be broken.  i honestly wonder what will be left when the suffering - and it's effects - that shaped us is wiped away.  i tend to think that those who looked the worst off will no longer look that way.  Like a car carrying a 1500 pound load going crawling up the grade that suddenly loses its load and crests the mountain.  If that makes any sense.  Anyways, i hope you find the peace you are looking for.  It sounds like you've found some of it just now.

It does make sense, and thank you.  That's actually why I wouldn't change it if I could.  I feel like I can see things form perspectives that some folks don't because they don't analyze things as deeply.  I try not to let myself be arrogant about that, just grateful for the useful perspective.

11 hours ago, Carborendum said:

Welcome to the club -- sort of (see below).  So are about 1/3 to 1/2 of the frequenters to this site.

Yes.  My wife had told me that from one of the books she'd read on the topic.  I guess I can see that.

You're not.  Plenty of introverts everywhere. Good people and bad.

Yup.  Felt it.  I know exactly what you're talking about.

Well, that's cool.  If that works for you, then good on ya.

I found it didn't work for me.  I had certain goals in life that required me to socialize and get out there shaking hands with people I didn't know.  I had to learn to do those things that come naturally to others.  For them, it was their nature.  For me, it was a learned skill.  Yes, I was at a severe disadvantage.

Whenever I forced myself into this, I felt the same panic you described.  And I even acted out in weird ways and sabotaged myself many times because I simply couldn't handle all that was happening in my mind.  The panic.  The feeling like everyone is looking at me.  The feeling that everyone is wondering what I'm doing there.  The feeling that I just didn't belong.

One trick I used to get over this major hurdle was the "fear" mantra from Dune.  It actually helped.  But I had to apply it in a very specific way.  I have not turned into an extrovert.  But I'm not sure I'm an introvert anymore.  I'm something else.

I also applied something that I later realized was mentioned in the movie "What about Bob."  "If I fake it, then I don't have it."  I did not like going into a crowd because I thought people were all staring at me.  But if I were the main attraction, then I wasn't "afraid" people "might" be looking at me.  I knew they were all paying attention to me for a reason.  Somewhow that all made it ok.  I'm not sure if that would work for you.

What I've found is that if I have time to mentally prepare and rest up before an event, I can handle it  much better.   The tournament story I told above isn't typical.  I had done tournaments before and been okay, because I went with close friends and had time in advance to charge up the batteries @NeuroTypical mentioned.  The reason I stopped going to tournaments in general after this incident is that I felt like a jerk and didn't want to risk being one again... because what if I tried again and locked up again?  I admit that's an overcompensation, but it isn't a huge sacrifice.  I was never very good in tournaments anyway 😄

 

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So... there are actually different kinds of introverts.  @unixknight sounds like an Anxious Introvert.  This is the kind that exhibits a fear of social interaction.  My son is what they call a Social Introvert.  He has no fear of social interaction and it comes naturally to him.  He just prefers to be by himself.  So he would go and play with his peers without a problem but then he easily gets bored with it and then he goes off to be by himself for a while... or just mentally checks out of the party.  The more people is in the group, the faster he checks out of it.  And so people who don’t know him would think he’s rude.

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P.S.  My other son takes after me.  We’re the life of the party but in a way, we have our introverted quirkiness.  We both put up a “front” at a party hiding our inner selves for fear of rejection.  So we simply reflect back what we think the party wants to see.  So we prefer large parties because it’s easier to hide in it.  But then my son got ordained with the priesthood and he just lays it out there.  He has zero fear when it comes to matters of faith.  So you go to his school and ask for my son and the kids would say, “you mean the Mormon?”.  Yep. That’s it.

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47 minutes ago, anatess2 said:

So... there are actually different kinds of introverts.  @unixknight sounds like an Anxious Introvert.  This is the kind that exhibits a fear of social interaction.  My son is what they call a Social Introvert. 

I get why it may look that way from my first post, but I'm not the anxious type of introvert.  I'm more like your son.  The idea of being around new people doesn't bother me if my mental/emotional batteries are charged.  I think in the incident with the tournament it was more like I just wasn't mentally prepared, or I was tired, and I didn't understand how that was causing the anxiety I felt.  When I start a new job or go into any new environment I'm comfortable if I've mentally prepared ahead of time.  I don't mind speaking in church or giving presentations at the office.  I do drain quickly though, and after a meeting at work all I want to do is go back to my desk and put my headphones back on.

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Introversion is a problem only when it gets in the way of what you need (or want) to do. It's easy and popular to say, "There is nothing wrong with being an introvert." And that is true, so far as it goes. But it doesn't really go very far. Society itself is based on the exercise of extroversion. The common (and generally false) knock against homeschooled children is that they are antisocial. Antisociality works against most people's best interest. So insofar as one's introversion leads to antisociality, introversion is a weakness to be overcome. I suppose the same holds true for extroversion.

As something of an introvert, I've worked hard over my lifetime to try to be a bit more outside myself. It's been a useful exercise for me. I recommend it to introverts everywhere. (I can also assure you that, with lots and lots and LOTS of practice, you, the introvert, can experience an intense social situation and not merely enjoy it, but come away feeling energized instead of drained. That is, you can gain the qualities of an extrovert. That's worth doing.)

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59 minutes ago, Vort said:

Introversion is a problem only when it gets in the way of what you need (or want) to do. It's easy and popular to say, "There is nothing wrong with being an introvert." And that is true, so far as it goes. But it doesn't really go very far. Society itself is based on the exercise of extroversion. The common (and generally false) knock against homeschooled children is that they are antisocial. Antisociality works against most people's best interest. So insofar as one's introversion leads to antisociality, introversion is a weakness to be overcome. I suppose the same holds true for extroversion.

As something of an introvert, I've worked hard over my lifetime to try to be a bit more outside myself. It's been a useful exercise for me. I recommend it to introverts everywhere. (I can also assure you that, with lots and lots and LOTS of practice, you, the introvert, can experience an intense social situation and not merely enjoy it, but come away feeling energized instead of drained. That is, you can gain the qualities of an extrovert. That's worth doing.)

Honestly, I dunno if I'd want to make that change.  Now that I understand what's going on, I'm prepared to embrace it.  That said, I definitely agree that society operates on a default setting of "extrovert" which is what makes it hard sometimes for introverts to understand what's going on, as in my case.

56 minutes ago, MormonGator said:

Welcome back bud. I was just in DC this weekend. 

Aw man next time look me up!  What brought you to my neck of the woods?

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Just now, unixknight said:

Honestly, I dunno if I'd want to make that change.  Now that I understand what's going on, I'm prepared to embrace it.  That said, I definitely agree that society operates on a default setting of "extrovert" which is what makes it hard sometimes for introverts to understand what's going on, as in my case.

Aw man next time look me up!  What brought you to my neck of the woods?

Drove up north to visit my brother. I was only in DC for about two hours, sadly

 

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So, I was speaking with my son, @Ffenix about it.  I had thought he was an introvert.  In some ways he is.  But he wouldn't like to admit.  But in other ways, he really isn't.  I believe the problem with him is more character based.

He really has a tough time loving people.  Once we identified the problem, we began working on it.  It's slow going.  But he's learning.  He just can't stand to be around most people because they are so amazingly frustrating.

A little anecdote: One of his childhood friends went to her mom and said,"Mom, boys are just a waste of flesh!"  

"What about Ffenix, he's your friend, right?"

"Well, yeah, Ffenix is ok.  He makes sense." 

This girl really didn't get along with anyone else because of how frustrating she found most people.  But she got along with him just fine.  But since we've both moved out of Colorado, they don't associate anymore.  So, Ffenix is left alone without anyone who "makes sense" to him.  In each home we've lived in he's been able to find exactly one person who doesn't frustrate him.  Some are like him.  Others are more charitable and social.

I dunno.  What can I do?

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  • 2 weeks later...
On 5/5/2018 at 6:28 PM, unixknight said:

Most people don't know what an introvert is. Most of the people who think they know actually don't either. I didn't. An introvert is someone whose brain structure is wired a bit differently than most other people. We are energized and happy when we are alone, and it takes mental energy for us to be with other people, especially in large social environments. It isn't necessarily that we don't like to socialize, it's just that after we do, we need time alone to rest and recover. We think differently, we see things differently. We think deeply and long, and I'd venture to say we're some of the most insightful and deepest thinkers to be found anywhere, if I may say so myself. We struggle sometimes with social awkwardness. We become overstimulated easily because our brains process EVERYTHING we see and hear, constantly, and so our minds are always working hard, even when we're sitting still and quietly. Dealing with other people in noisy environments tires our brains out quickly and we often find excuses to leave early or not come out to gatherings at all. We do best when we speak slowly, and we fall behind quickly in a fast paced conversation. Our social awkwardness comes from trying to fake it and be like everybody else...

As a shy extrovert with actual introverts in my immediate family, I really appreciate reading this. So much of what I see online about the qualities of introverts applies as much to me as to them. Sometimes more. And it can be frustrating.

 

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  • 2 weeks later...

tl;dr

jk. jk. I read your novel. You must have lost like 10 lbs writing this thing.

Bruh, I am glad you are finally being your dorky self. Alphas need admirers and I am glad you finally found your place.

C:<

Haha

Ok. Now for how I really feel. I am glad you finally found how you tick. It's soooooo important to just be YOU (within gospel standards) you can't make anyone else happy and the flipside no one can make you happy. Bravo on being one with yourself. "You are more one than anyone." I hope your happiness continues to grow

 

C :

 

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