Julia1994

I don’t want to be sealed with my husband!

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Hello everyone! I need advice! 

Me and my husband is married for 1,5 years.

He had problems with pornography, so that’s why we didn’t sealed before. (Recently he stopped watching it! So that a big step for us!!! )

So we married and moved together, and first month of our marriage he lost his job. Instead of trying to find a new one, he just played video game A LOT!!!! I was shocked! He never told me that he is playing video games! 

Also he loves collecting LEGO’s and he spent about 100$ a month for it. We even have a lego room! 

All first year we were struggling with money, we don’t have enough income to cover all our expenses. And he is not trying to change it. 

3 month ago he finally got a well paid job. And he got fired again! 

It have been a month, and he still didn’t find one! 

He got his temple recommendation recently  and he talks about getting sealed. But I feel that I don’t want to be sealed with him, because he can provide for his family. I feel like I’m married to a kid. Sometimes I regret I married him! I don’t know what to do. Help me! 

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3 minutes ago, Just_A_Guy said:

Why was he fired?

He worked at the call center for Human Resources. And he was joking with his friend using filthy language while he was recorded on a phone. That was a government job, so they had to fired him. 

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10 minutes ago, Julia1994 said:

He worked at the call center for Human Resources. And he was joking with his friend using filthy language while he was recorded on a phone. That was a government job, so they had to fired him. 

Sorry to hear that.  :(

The picture you’re painting of your husband is not a very complimentary one.  I have no idea how complete of a picture it represents, but based on what you’re telling us it sounds like your husband isn’t really ready to be sealed anyways.  And it sounds like your bigger question might not be about whether to be sealed; but about whether to stay married.  A sealing isn’t going to just make those issues go away.

Edited by Just_A_Guy

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11 hours ago, Julia1994 said:

But I feel that I don’t want to be sealed with him, because he can provide for his family. I feel like I’m married to a kid. Sometimes I regret I married him! I don’t know what to do. Help me! 

This seems to be a common thing - a woman expecting a man to provide for the family, to be responsible, but finding that he tends to behave irresponsibly (from her perspective - which may or may not be correct).  For the sake of discussion, let's assume we're trying to preserve and improve the marriage.  So here's a couple questions which I think only the men on the board can answer:

1) How does a man learn to be a man (a responsible provider for his family)?

2) What can a wife do (or not do) to best help him adopt that role?

3) From whom (if anyone) might she correctly seek assistance for him?

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11 hours ago, Julia1994 said:

Hello everyone! I need advice! 

Me and my husband is married for 1,5 years.

He had problems with pornography, so that’s why we didn’t sealed before. (Recently he stopped watching it! So that a big step for us!!! )

So we married and moved together, and first month of our marriage he lost his job. Instead of trying to find a new one, he just played video game A LOT!!!! I was shocked! He never told me that he is playing video games! 

Also he loves collecting LEGO’s and he spent about 100$ a month for it. We even have a lego room! 

All first year we were struggling with money, we don’t have enough income to cover all our expenses. And he is not trying to change it. 

3 month ago he finally got a well paid job. And he got fired again! 

It have been a month, and he still didn’t find one! 

He got his temple recommendation recently  and he talks about getting sealed. But I feel that I don’t want to be sealed with him, because he can provide for his family. I feel like I’m married to a kid. Sometimes I regret I married him! I don’t know what to do. Help me! 

It certainly sounds like he is not ready for marriage.  How old are the both of you? 22? 23?

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17 minutes ago, Just_A_Guy said:

Sorry to hear that.  :(

The picture you’re painting of your husband is not a very complimentary one.  I have no idea how complete of a picture it represents, but based on what you’re telling us it sounds like your husband isn’t really ready to be sealed anyways.  And it sounds like your bigger question might not be about whether to be sealed; but about whether to stay married.  A sealing isn’t going to just make those issues go away.

My thoughts exactly.

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12 minutes ago, zil said:

This seems to be a common thing - a woman expecting a man to provide for the family, to be responsible, but finding that he tends to behave irresponsibly (from her perspective - which may or may not be correct).  For the sake of discussion, let's assume we're trying to preserve and improve the marriage.  So here's a couple questions which I think only the men on the board can answer:

1) How does a man learn to be a man (a responsible provider for his family)?

2) What can a wife do (or not do) to best help him adopt that role?

3) From whom (if anyone) might she correctly seek assistance for him?

That’s what I need. I don’t want to give up. I want to try everything that possible. But I don’t know where I can get help. Obviously I can not handle it myself.

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1 minute ago, Julia1994 said:

I’m 23 (soon 24). He is 28 (soon 29). 

It is a big decision whether to stay with him or leave him.  Not something we can answer here.  Hopefully, you don't have kids or any on the way.  I would stay away from kids until you figure things out.  

Honestly, if had had porn issues and has a video game addiction, he probably still has porn issues and is hiding them from you.  He probably also has some depression.  You are in a difficult situation.  I wish you the best.

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Guest MormonGator

I really admire you for not giving up. I know of many people who would. I can't really offer you advice, but just know that I'm praying for you! 

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"I'm excited to see that you have your temple recommend.  I would absolutely love to be sealed to you, as soon as you are providing for this family.  Let's pick this discussion back up when you're back on your employed feet and have a stable job and good career prospects."

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16 hours ago, Julia1994 said:

Hello everyone! I need advice! 

Me and my husband is married for 1,5 years.

He had problems with pornography, so that’s why we didn’t sealed before. (Recently he stopped watching it! So that a big step for us!!! )

So we married and moved together, and first month of our marriage he lost his job. Instead of trying to find a new one, he just played video game A LOT!!!! I was shocked! He never told me that he is playing video games! 

Also he loves collecting LEGO’s and he spent about 100$ a month for it. We even have a lego room! 

All first year we were struggling with money, we don’t have enough income to cover all our expenses. And he is not trying to change it. 

3 month ago he finally got a well paid job. And he got fired again! 

It have been a month, and he still didn’t find one! 

He got his temple recommendation recently  and he talks about getting sealed. But I feel that I don’t want to be sealed with him, because he can provide for his family. I feel like I’m married to a kid. Sometimes I regret I married him! I don’t know what to do. Help me! 

You haven't mentioned kids yet, so I will assume that you have none. If you decide to stay with him don't have any kids at least not until he has proven himself to be a grown up. 

Sadly you married a man child this is far too common.  To those who say that it's ok for grown men to play with child like things here is the perfect argument against it.

My 2 cents See a MFT and give him a deadline to shape up and be a man. When he misses his deadline see an attorney. 

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6 minutes ago, omegaseamaster75 said:

You haven't mentioned kids yet, so I will assume that you have none. If you decide to stay with him don't have any kids at least not until he has proven himself to be a grown up. 

Sadly you married a man child this is far too common.  To those who say that it's ok for grown men to play with child like things here is the perfect argument against it.

My 2 cents See a MFT and give him a deadline to shape up and be a man. When he misses his deadline see an attorney. 

Pretty much this.

I'm sad for you, but you don't have a lot invested in the relationship.  So get ready to make a change.

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3 hours ago, NeuroTypical said:

"I'm excited to see that you have your temple recommend.  I would absolutely love to be sealed to you, . . .

At first I was really confused as I was reading how you were going to co-opt someone else's wife.  Then, thinking to myself surely that wasn't the case, I discovered the quotation marks!  :crackup:

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8 hours ago, Julia1994 said:

That’s what I need. I don’t want to give up. I want to try everything that possible. But I don’t know where I can get help. Obviously I can not handle it myself.

Start with your bishop, and ask him to recommend a marriage and family counselor.  Strongly encourage your husband to attend with you and follow their advice.  You have my prayers.

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20 hours ago, Julia1994 said:

Hello everyone! I need advice! 

Me and my husband is married for 1,5 years.

He had problems with pornography, so that’s why we didn’t sealed before. (Recently he stopped watching it! So that a big step for us!!! )

So we married and moved together, and first month of our marriage he lost his job. Instead of trying to find a new one, he just played video game A LOT!!!! I was shocked! He never told me that he is playing video games! 

Also he loves collecting LEGO’s and he spent about 100$ a month for it. We even have a lego room! 

All first year we were struggling with money, we don’t have enough income to cover all our expenses. And he is not trying to change it. 

3 month ago he finally got a well paid job. And he got fired again! 

It have been a month, and he still didn’t find one! 

He got his temple recommendation recently  and he talks about getting sealed. But I feel that I don’t want to be sealed with him, because he can provide for his family. I feel like I’m married to a kid. Sometimes I regret I married him! I don’t know what to do. Help me! 

Tell him to read 1 Corinthians 13:11 "When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things." He shouldn't be so obsessed with Lego he is a man with responsibilities and video games seriously. My wife wouldn't have married me if I was like that but if she did, she would have set me straight a week into our marriage. 

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8 hours ago, zil said:

1) How does a man learn to be a man (a responsible provider for his family)?

2) What can a wife do (or not do) to best help him adopt that role?

3) From whom (if anyone) might she correctly seek assistance for him?

1.  I honestly don’t know.  I mean, not to be pejorative; but based on what has been presented he’s twenty-eight and acting like someone literally half his age.  There are fourteen-year-olds who can go through a day without telling dirty jokes; who can do a day’s work; who have financial goals and know what it will take to get there; who shudder at the idea of being a burden in perpetuity.  How does a woman teach a man in a year or two, what his parents and life in general couldn’t teach him in fourteen years?  I don’t know that you can teach that stuff; he’s just got to get off his keester and do it. 

2. I agree with NT, Omega and Marklin:  the wife just has to expect it, and be ready to follow through with something if those expectations aren’t met.  I blanch at threatening divorce—@anatess2 will probably have some strong opinions about the sanctity of marriage and not cutting a spouse loose just because they aren’t what you thought he was—but I think it would be perfectly OK to say “look, me supporting you indefinitely wasn’t part of the deal; and if you and I aren’t matching incomes in three months I’m setting up a separate account for myself and you will have whatever spending money I deem appropriate”.  If that doesn’t cure him, you may need to look at maintaining separate residences for a while until he gets the idea.  (Note:  get your name off of, or cancel, any joint credit cards before you do this.)

3.  It’s either a matter of skills or wills.  You can’t fix his will; but for skill the Church’s online provident living/employment sites are a good start. 

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Guest MormonGator
9 hours ago, zil said:

1) How does a man learn to be a man (a responsible provider for his family)?

 

Being a man isn't something that happens overnight. It's a journey. Being a man isn't about changing a tire (thank God, or I'd be screwed), or about not playing video games (yup, again, I'd be doomed). It's about achieving balance-knowing how to manage your time. It's about supporting your wife and children. You learn by making mistakes and finding out what not to do. 

For me personally, I think the term "be a man" is a little silly. I never hear "Be a woman." Not saying it's never said, but LG never heard it either. A real man wouldn't let someone elses definition of masculinity define him, in my view. 

Sadly, I see many young people in the church rushing to get married before they know who they even are, much less have the ability to know someone else. Both genders are guilty of this. It's probably the number one thing I don't understand about LDS culture. 

Edited by MormonGator

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Have you talked at all with him about your concerns?  Not a good plan to bottle it all up and then unload it all on him in one go when you reach your limit.  If you haven't said anything you should have a conversation about it, but don't make accusations ('You are ...',  'You should...', 'You don't...') Use 'feel statements' (When you _______________ it makes me feel _____________ ) and give him a chance to digest and respond to that.  Listen to him. 

If you make him feel attacked or belittled then it won't go well.  Remember that the two of you are on the same team so don't make it a contest between the two of you.  Something written might be better than having a face to face conversation.  Give him the benefit of the doubt to start with at least and assume he is unaware or doesn't understand.  Help him, don't condemn him, and be open to suggestions or concerns he may have about you as well.

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19 minutes ago, MormonGator said:

For me personally, I think the term "be a man" is a little silly. I never hear "Be a woman." Not saying it's never said, but LG never heard it either. A real man wouldn't let someone elses definition of masculinity define him, in my view. 

For the record, I just meant "be a responsible adult male" - implicit in "responsible", for me as a Mormon, is the male role described in the family proclamation - but the "grown up with a job paying the bills" was more my thinking.

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28 minutes ago, MormonGator said:

Sadly, I see many young people in the church rushing to get married before they know who they even are, much less have the ability to know someone else. Both genders are guilty of this. It's probably the number one thing I don't understand about LDS culture. 

It made a lot of sense when a) LDS youth understood, accepted, and committed to the Church’s ideals; and b) acknowledged that they had growing to do, but committed to channeling that growth in a particular direction and in company with another person whom they would stick with even at great personal sacrifice.  It made for younger marriages, more kids, and (imho) greater overal marital longevity.

Sadly, we are seeing an increase in youth who think spiritual fulfillment is less about changing yourself into some idealized version and more about “being true to yourself”, warts and all.  Marital partners are supposed to “complete us” through their mere presence; not by subjecting us to any further mutual refinement or growth.  It only takes one person with this sort of idea to seriously damage a marriage (as the OP shows us); and when you know your future spouse is unlikely to see a need for self-improvement the vetting process becomes far more important.

From what I’m seeing here, it looks like maybe the OP married her husband expecting they would both grow up (old paradigm) —but then learned that he considers himself a “finished product” (new paradigm).

Edited by Just_A_Guy

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