Back and forth about deciding to marry him


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I've been dating my boyfriend for over 6 months, and before that we dated for a little while and broke up before getting back together. I felt good about dating him again but I've been so back and forth throughout the entire relationship. I now feel like we've reached a critical point in our time together. We both feel we've been dating long enough that we should know which direction we're heading. Either towards marriage or breaking up. But it's very difficult for me to lean completely one way or the other because of the mixed feelings I've been having. Some days I feel peaceful about a future with him, and other days I get all worried and afraid of committing. I've prayed, fasted,  and read my scriptures to help me feel one way or the other, but the mixed feelings continue.

The mixed feelings stem from wondering if he's right for me long-term. He isn't the most articulate person, which is something I am very attracted to, but over time our ability to connect and have deeper discussions has improved. So I see potential for that to continue, and I'm afraid of giving up on something potentially wonderful because I nit pick over how articulate he is in trivial conversation (although when having more serious discussions he can always express himself). I feel especially this way because in every other way he is exactly the kind of person I want to marry. Our goals for our lives align so well. On the other hand, I fear feeling dissatisfied in a marriage years down the road. But I hate the thought of loosing him. We've discussed my fears and he's always willing to listen to what he could improve upon, but ultimately I want to feel good about marrying the man he is right now. 

Part of the reason I might be having these issues is because of a hang up on a previous boyfriend. We dated a long time ago but we connected immediately and he was very articulate. Because of that I tend to fall into the comparison trap. But this ex-boyfriend is not very active in the gospel and in many ways I question long-term happiness with him as well. 

My feelings seem complicated and it's been hard to follow my heart on this one. I don't want to regret my decision. Any advice?! 

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34 minutes ago, CanMormonGirl said:

I've been dating my boyfriend for over 6 months, and before that we dated for a little while and broke up before getting back together. I felt good about dating him again but I've been so back and forth throughout the entire relationship. I now feel like we've reached a critical point in our time together. We both feel we've been dating long enough that we should know which direction we're heading. Either towards marriage or breaking up. But it's very difficult for me to lean completely one way or the other because of the mixed feelings I've been having. Some days I feel peaceful about a future with him, and other days I get all worried and afraid of committing. I've prayed, fasted,  and read my scriptures to help me feel one way or the other, but the mixed feelings continue.

The mixed feelings stem from wondering if he's right for me long-term. He isn't the most articulate person, which is something I am very attracted to, but over time our ability to connect and have deeper discussions has improved. So I see potential for that to continue, and I'm afraid of giving up on something potentially wonderful because I nit pick over how articulate he is in trivial conversation (although when having more serious discussions he can always express himself). I feel especially this way because in every other way he is exactly the kind of person I want to marry. Our goals for our lives align so well. On the other hand, I fear feeling dissatisfied in a marriage years down the road. But I hate the thought of loosing him. We've discussed my fears and he's always willing to listen to what he could improve upon, but ultimately I want to feel good about marrying the man he is right now. 

Part of the reason I might be having these issues is because of a hang up on a previous boyfriend. We dated a long time ago but we connected immediately and he was very articulate. Because of that I tend to fall into the comparison trap. But this ex-boyfriend is not very active in the gospel and in many ways I question long-term happiness with him as well. 

My feelings seem complicated and it's been hard to follow my heart on this one. I don't want to regret my decision. Any advice?! 

Sup CMGirl,

If you don't love him for who he is right now don't marry him. You can't change anyone and stuff that annoys you now will only get 100% more annoying after marriage. Stop comparing your exes to your current bf (not only for this guy but also your future bf) EVERYONE is different and everyone has strengths and weaknesses. Instead of stringing him along you should let him find a woman that loves him for who he is. You should find someone you REALLY want to be with. When you are ready for marriage you will know and push full speed ahead. It won't even be a question in your mind and if it is it will be very brief before you squash it and commit. I think you already know the answer deep down inside. Just follow it now.

tl;dr - stahp - If you are annoyed with him now it won't get better after marriage. Release him!!!! and find someone you are happier with.

Edited by Overwatch
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None of us can tell you if you should marry this guy or not, but there are a lot of experienced people here on the forum when it comes to marriage and commitment. I’m not one of those (single), but I can say this: you’ll never find someone with every perfect quality. They will have flaws—some more annoying than others. You’re going to have flaws that annoy your future spouse. It’s your ability to see them as Christ sees them that is important.

Can you be with this man for eternity? Yes or no? If not, then move on. If yes, then push past your own weaknesses and natural man tendencies to find perfection, and start moving forward.

If this is more than just a small flaw that irritates you, then it’s time to move on. 

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2 minutes ago, BeccaKirstyn said:

you’ll never find someone with every perfect quality.

@BeccaKirstyn knocks it out of the park with this one.  

No one person will satisfy 100% of your needs, wants and desires. That's fine, that's reality. 

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Also I echo what @Overwatch said. You can not compare your current bf with a past ex. That is so detrimental to your relationship and any future relationship. And it’s also rude to your current bf. Either love him as he is, or let him go. 

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2 hours ago, CanMormonGirl said:

On the other hand, I fear feeling dissatisfied in a marriage years down the road. But I hate the thought of loosing him.

IMO, the problem is that you don't really know what you want and therefore you can't really make a good decision b/c you don't quite know what you want.

2 hours ago, CanMormonGirl said:

because I nit pick over how articulate he is in trivial conversation (although when having more serious discussions he can always express himself).

IMO, nit picking over something so trivial as to how articulate he is in trivial conversation is really in the long-run very immature.  It's okay to be immature about it (at this point) b/c well you are still very young and young people are expected to be immature to a large degree; however it is something that SHOULD in the long-run not be an issue at all  . . . unless you have deeper issues.

Now having said that something that most people don't talk about that COULD be indicative of problems down the road in not being inarticulate is that it COULD be indicative of his intelligence.  It's just a fact of life that some people are more intelligent than others.  If you were looking to hire someone and only knew one thing about them, the best single indicator of success is intelligence (obviously there is a lot more to that, but we are talking about if you only had 1 factor).  Now this isn't to minimize other traits such as to be a good citizen in the least b/c I'd rather marry someone who was moral & ethical vs. someone who is a genius b/c there are a lot of super-smart psychopaths out there too! 

In general to minimize stress in marriage you want to marry someone that is roughly of the same level of intelligence as you and someone that comes from the same social-economic background and same religious background. Marriage is already hard enough and there are enough differences between men and women that you don't need any more major differences to make things challenging. The more major differences you introduce, the more likely those areas are going to be major stress points in your marriage. In LDS parlance, don't be unequally yoked. 

So IF you think his inability to be articulate in trivial conversation is indicative of that his level of intelligence is significantly lower than yours (which may or may not be the case, sometimes very smart people are horrible in small-talk)-than that needs some serious consideration. If it is not indicative of a lower level of intelligence than my guess is that as you mature it will become immaterial to you.

If I were you, I'd rank order a list of qualities you want in a husband; and they need to be things that are somewhat quantifiable, like if you say considerate that's great but how can you quantify that this bf is considerate? Does he open doors for you for example?

If I were back in the dating world (thank heavens I'm not), I would absolutely run my dates through a series of tests to test for specific qualities and to see their reactions to things.

For marriage, IMO the #1 thing to look at is look at their family structure and upbringing. Come from a broken home-well that is going to mean a lot of emotional work and if they haven't already fixed it be prepared to be drug into their drama fest. Do their parents yell/scream? Be prepared, that will happen to you.  

Regardless of whether you move 1000 miles away you ARE marrying the family and if you have issues with his family now-it will take a lot of pain and suffering to get it straightened out in your marriage (doable-but very difficult).  Personally, I would put of roughly the same intelligence level on my list-but it would be lower in the rank, the #1 thing is the family.  I don't care if they hate their family, swear they will never be like them, give them 10 years and they will say "dang, I'm like my dad in xyz".

Now, you will never find the perfect mate-just not going to happen, so the biggest quality is a willingness to stick together no matter what! There is no out, no other option, you get married and it's do or die-it MUST work. The second quality is a recognition that you can only change yourself.

If both of you have those two qualities-then no matter what it will work out just fine.  

Edited by dellme
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There is no time limit where a bell rings and you have to decide.  There is no 'should know by now'  Either you know or you don't know and for some people they know after an hour or day or week or month, and for some they don't know for sure for years. 

Right now you don't know for sure, so if it feels right to stay together longer, stay together and work toward knowing one way or the other for sure without putting a time limit on it.  Just don't hang onto him if you know he isn't it but you fear being single, that is unfair to him. 

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The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence the saying goes, but in the end, that is really just our perception of it rather than reality.

There are many out there that fantasize about their first boyfriend/girlfriend, date, crush, etc.  They put that individual on a pedestal and replace the actual person with their fantasy of what that person actually was like.  Sometimes that fantasy is similar to reality, sometimes it is not.  However, in all instances it is in the past.  When we focus too much on the past, sometimes it destroys what is in the present.  Rather than appreciate what we have, we covet what we think would had in the past.

What is true for the here and now?

When I married my wife, one of the major reasons I married her was because she was absolutely gorgeous.  She was perhaps, the most beautiful woman I had ever met.  However, we were not a lot alike mentally.  She enjoyed biology, math and things like that.  I was more into history and literature.  In that way we really didn't have many things in common in that light.  How did she know I was the right guy to marry? 

This is the million dollar question.

Just because this boy seems good for you, does not mean he is one that you should marry.  Likewise, he may be someone you could marry but you are looking too much at the other side of the fence rather than what is right in front of your face.

The question you ask is the question that almost every person asks...or at least...SHOULD ask.

And the way to figure that out the best to my knowledge is to pray about it.  Ask the Lord in prayer to know if this is someone you could marry, or if the Lord would approve of such a thing and if such a marriage would be good for you.  Listen for the Lord's answer and be ready for whatever he says.  After you have found and dated someone for a while and think you may want to marry that person, this is perhaps the most important step that so many ignore or forget.

Pray to know what you should do and be ready to act upon it when you get an answer.  It may work out as you think or want, or it may not.  But if one does not pray about it, it is like heading into the marriage in the dark, when instead you could have a torch lighting your way instead.

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1 hour ago, Latter-Day Marriage said:

There is no time limit where a bell rings and you have to decide.  There is no 'should know by now'  Either you know or you don't know and for some people they know after an hour or day or week or month, and for some they don't know for sure for years.

I agree there is not definitive bell, but in life time is definitely of the essence.  I would think that if one is ready to be married it should take no longer than a year to make that decision. A year is plenty of time to get to know the family, the person, see the person go through the different seasons of life.  I honestly can't think of why it would take more than a year if one is ready to be married.  I dated my wife for several years in college, but I wasn't ready to get married, once I was personally ready to be married (and that didn't have to do with her) we were married fairly quickly.

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Here’s my question, given the background the OP cites:

Do you consider him to be your intellectual inferior?

If so—think very, very carefully before committing; because in a marriage those feelings will come back to haunt you.  (c.f. Pride and Prejudice)

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Sorry, I don't really have anything substantial to add to the actual topic of this thread at this time. But JAG saying

1 hour ago, Just_A_Guy said:

(c.f. Pride and Prejudice)

 reminded me of this article about Jane Austen being cited in the courtroom: https://electricliterature.com/why-do-so-many-judges-cite-jane-austen-in-legal-decisions-52e44f96fd81

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10 hours ago, SilentOne said:

Sorry, I don't really have anything substantial to add to the actual topic of this thread at this time. But JAG saying

 reminded me of this article about Jane Austen being cited in the courtroom: https://electricliterature.com/why-do-so-many-judges-cite-jane-austen-in-legal-decisions-52e44f96fd81

Quote

It is a truth universally acknowledged that Jane Austen quotes and references are constantly showing up in court

:crackup:

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