Marriage 101 FOR DUDES. From a totally unqualified man


Overwatch
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On 6/8/2018 at 3:41 PM, Lee said:

I have contingency plans to ensure I can be a husband and father but from a distance

 

6 minutes ago, Lee said:

I am not going to be distant from my family. 

Please reconcile these two apparently conflicting statements, then.

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Guest MormonGator
53 minutes ago, Lee said:

It is a plan b if it doesn't work out then I can still be a husband and a father just remotely 

Do you really think you can be a husband and a father remotely? Really? 

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Guest MormonGator
1 minute ago, Lee said:

Yes because I can still provide financially and visit often. It wouldn't be ideal that is why it is plan b. 

Better stick to plan A on this one kid. Providing money and "visiting often" isn't being a husband, much less a father. 

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8 minutes ago, MormonGator said:

Better stick to plan A on this one kid. Providing money and "visiting often" isn't being a husband, much less a father. 

My family is important to me so obviously I will try everything to stick to plan A but if necessary than I have a way to still support my family whilst living separately. 

 

I am sure you and your wife have back up or contingency plans incase you lose your job. This is the same thing. I am confident that I won't have to use plan B though, I have had my nephew living with me for 6 months and we have coped as a family. Even though, I have failed before to help care for a baby I think I have a better chance of succeeding now.

Edited by Lee
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48 minutes ago, Grunt said:

You can not be a husband and a father remotely.  Period.

Unless you get deployed. Then Skype Time, Roshan calls (25¢ per min, lol, feels like it) and writing is pretty much the only connection besides prayers  :P

Edited by Overwatch
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8 minutes ago, Lee said:

My family is important to me so obviously I will try everything to stick to plan A but if necessary than I have a way to still support my family. 

Everything alright man?  Why are you so scared of raising your kid?  If you feel like your are going to "mess up" your child fix yourself.  Why would you want to leave your wife and your kid... that is just asking for another man to take over your responsibilities. Your wife will most likely, eventually, resent you for leaving. Unless you are doing this to get a rise out of people. Negative attention is better than no attention for Lee? Maybe? 

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23 minutes ago, Lee said:

Yes because I can still provide financially and visit often. It wouldn't be ideal that is why it is plan b. 

If you think that's what being a husband and father is, you REALLY need to talk to your Bishop.

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6 minutes ago, Lee said:

 Now I am solely being judged for my approach to my family. 

We are judged EVERY day. People are supposed to judge righteously. Not just anyone can watch my kids and I don't shop at just any store for my food. People see you in error and are offering suggestions to show you that there is a better way. Their judgements are based on what little you are willing to share. So far there is no good reason for you to stay away from your child after it is born.

 

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Guest MormonGator
15 minutes ago, Lee said:

 Now I am solely being judged for my approach to my family. 

Yeah, um, get over it. You can't say anything without being judged. And oh yeah-whining about being judged almost always means "I know I'm doing something wrong." 

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1 minute ago, Lee said:

I am sure that you are all perfect husbands, fathers and church members 😀😀😀

Of course we aren't.  We just don't go around advertising that we have one foot out the door.  For us, the thought of abandoning our families is unthinkable.  For you, it's just plan B.

According to your own words.

Edited by unixknight
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1 minute ago, Lee said:

I am sure that you are all perfect husbands, fathers and church members 😀😀😀

No but you are starting to make us look that way. Seriously man, Man up and lovingly care for your son. You are so blessed to have a son coming to you.

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Guest MormonGator
11 minutes ago, Lee said:

I am sure that you are all perfect husbands, fathers and church members 😀😀😀

Again with the avoiding responsibility. "Oh you aren't perfect so you can't judge me." I feel like I'm in third grade.  

Edited by MormonGator
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59 minutes ago, Lee said:

 Now I am solely being judged for my approach to my family. 

No, you are being judged on your idea of what a husband and father is.  That could explain much about other things you've posted in this thread.  You need help.  Go see your Bishop.

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1 hour ago, Lee said:

 Now I am solely being judged for my approach to my family. 

@Lee

i think people here are judging on the information they have.  We are seeing chapter 100, and know almost nothing about the other 99 that came before it. It's easy, and almost always wrong, to assume that your 99 is the same as our 99.  But that's probably what happens more often than not.  Knowing what little i know, i think "suck up and do it" is not the best way to approach this - but i think they are saying that because from where they sit, it seems necessary.

What we'd all like to see is you to have a relationship with your child where that relationship doesn't strike terror into, or consistently overwhelm you.  My guess, actually, is that this is what you'd like too?  It sounds like you know just how special the relationship between a child and a parent (your mother in this case) can be.  And none of us want your child to be without that.  And none of us want you to be without the blessings a relationship could bring either.

i think it's possible for you to get to a point where you can comfortably handle this.  Maybe not easy kind of comfortable - but fulfilling and manageable kind.  The kind where you know in your calmer moments that the fulfillment you get far outweighs the personal sacrifices.  Where it's better now than it was.  Where you know your child's present and future are better because you are in it, not better because you aren't in it.

i think with a good therapist you could get through some of the (horrifically painful) baggage you are having to contend with.  Just make sure it's a good therapist.  From what i've seen, most therapists are not good therapists.  But with a small amount of due diligence, you can find one that will likely be good.  And i think there's a ton of stigma around therapy there shouldn't be.  i am not sure therapists are better at helping a person detox than anyone else would be.  But they are someone that is a reliable and generally safe outlet to express feelings to in an extended and consistent format.  Most people are too absorbed with their own problems and things to do to provide this reliably for their friends.  It's just about talking things out.  Your dealing with your own trauma is good for you, and what's good for you, is good for your child.  

And this is in no way a judgment from me.  i can't imagine dealing with the feelings your experiences must bring about.  My guess is if we understood, the nature of this thread would change a lot.  But i think we're all shooting for the same thing - please forgive us because we do it differently - and don't throw the message out because of that.

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On 6/7/2018 at 10:05 AM, Fether said:

I see haha. My mission president gave me the greatest advice ever.

”When your parents ask ‘when are you getting martied’ Say ‘it is none of your business’. When your parents ask ‘who are you going to marry?’ Say ‘it is none of your business’. When you parents ask ‘when will you have kids?’ Say ‘it is none of your business’. When your parents ask ‘how many kids are you going to have’ Say ‘it is none of your business’”

Once 18 hit, my life was mine. No man was going to keep me from marrying the girl I love in the temple and slowing my progression toward exaltation. But I’m the states, going against the status quo is pretty typical and murders are solved all the time.

Respectfully, your mission president was an idiot. 

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On 6/7/2018 at 10:15 AM, Lee said:

Heads up my wife once asked me if I loved her or my mother more. I told her it was no competition of course I love my mother more. I think I slept on the couch for a couple of weeks. If your wife ever asks you that just lie. 

You shouldn’t need to lie. Once you marry, your wife should take precedence. 

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Guest MormonGator
3 minutes ago, mrmarklin said:

Respectfully, your mission president was an idiot. 

Actually, the mission president was 100% correct. Once you are 18 and living on your own, your personal choices like having kids, not having kids, when you are getting married, etc, are exactly your business and no one elses-including your mom and dad.  

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