Sexual abstinence before marriage...


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I think the worry is exaggerated.

If he's sincere in wanting to be clean, then there is no outcome to all of this where he doesn't get to marry this young woman in the Temple.  Yes, Church discipline may put that off awhile in the timetable, but nothing is permanent IF he's sincere and repentant.

 

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1 minute ago, dddd said:

Well guys he broke it off with me last night so either he's working on it or he gave up so there's that. 

Thanks for the advice!

Sorry about this. Stay strong, you are in our prayers! 

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On 6/4/2018 at 4:33 PM, dddd said:

I'm hesitant to progress our relationship

16 minutes ago, dddd said:

he broke it off

Often answers to our questions come in surprising fashion, but an answer came nonetheless.
Best of luck to you moving forward and I commend you for seeking out gospel centered advice from other members of the Church when presented with a difficult choice. You will be stronger in your life having gone through this. Next time, even if it is with him again, I suspect more "clarity" will be on your side as you face hard choices.

Edited by NeedleinA
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37 minutes ago, dddd said:

lol to this whole post

Why did you "lol" to my whole post?

40 minutes ago, dddd said:

with her Gorgeous silk hair and piercing blue eyes,

I am describing my wife, she is gorgeous. I get tons of compliments on her beauty and social behavior. She is very classy; I am glad I married a Mormon woman with standards. It definitely has been a challenge to keep up with her awesomeness. She kept herself pure throughout her single years and even has a degree, with some minors, from BYU.  I am definitely a better man for marrying above me.

*Also that sucks he broke it off with you. Either he will come around again or you will find someone who is a better fit for you.  :C

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1 hour ago, NeedleinA said:

Often answers to our questions come in surprising fashion, but an answer came nonetheless.
Best of luck to you moving forward and I commend you for seeking out gospel centered advice from other members of the Church when presented with a difficult choice. You will be stronger in your life having gone through this. Next time, even if it is with him again, I suspect more "clarity" will be on your side as you face hard choices.

That's so true! I prayed for an out actually so I was relieved. It became clear to me shortly before, and he broke it off because he was intimidated by my dad. The clarity was there; I just wanted to know what to tell him. But when it comes down to it the Spirit communicates spiritual mattes, not me!

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1 hour ago, Overwatch said:

I get tons of compliments on her beauty and social behavior. She is very classy;

That's a very unique compliment to receive about your wife especially second hand. What is it about her specifically that you think attracts that attention?

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1 hour ago, Overwatch said:

Why did you "lol" to my whole post?

 

And I lol'd your post because it really didn't answer my concern at all, which I wasn't sure if was your attempt or not, but was rather a personal anecdote...which after your last 'm glad you shared nonetheless (: Lovely story.

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37 minutes ago, dddd said:

And I lol'd your post because it really didn't answer my concern at all, which I wasn't sure if was your attempt or not, but was rather a personal anecdote...which after your last 'm glad you shared nonetheless 🙂 Lovely story.

Sup.

I re-read your message and I suppose the question was having waiting a whole year or not. There was just sooo much there. You even mentioned being hesitant. It was a lot on my mind. Especially mentioning he hadn't gone to the Bishop yet. Having him eager to streamline the repentance process after freshly being baptized then breaking the law of chastity. It hurts my soul when I hear people asking what the sentence will be. Because I lived through something similar.

It may be different with Mormons but after my failings and having been put on probation for my earlier sins (described with my dating Brooke story) My church took away my privileges for close to four years. I suffered and my heart broke. It was during this time and even in my pondering and reflection later did I understand my error. ALL women are daughters of God and He guards them jealously  Especially a righteous woman.

Hearing how he was delaying to go his leader and how even he was wanting to get married so soon... it made me realize it had not sunk in.

My apologies if I offended you.

 

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1 hour ago, dddd said:

That's a very unique compliment to receive about your wife especially second hand. What is it about her specifically that you think attracts that attention?

She presents very well. She has never dyed her hair, EVER, so it is quite exquisite looking. Very healthy hair. When she speaks to people she gives them her full attention and gives them a genuine smile if she ever runs into them later. She was working with special needs children when I first met her. Her heart is very Big and it radiates off of her. She also doesn't gossip about people, even when it is just me and her, so imagine people just feel at ease when she is around.

*side story. Yeah I have a ton. My mind is a mess

I dreamt once that I was walking through a beautiful castle. When I got into the courtroom she was sitting on a throne. She was adorned very beautifully and looked very powerful. BUT even with her royal appearance she was very pleased to see me. I am just a simply educated military veteran, so it was a nice dream to say the least.

I guess she just has a command presence but with a old fashioned feminine twist... if that makes sense lol

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2 hours ago, Overwatch said:

Sup.

I re-read your message and I suppose the question was having waiting a whole year or not. There was just sooo much there. You even mentioned being hesitant. It was a lot on my mind. Especially mentioning he hadn't gone to the Bishop yet. Having him eager to streamline the repentance process after freshly being baptized then breaking the law of chastity. It hurts my soul when I hear people asking what the sentence will be. Because I lived through something similar.

It may be different with Mormons but after my failings and having been put on probation for my earlier sins (described with my dating Brooke story) My church took away my privileges for close to four years. I suffered and my heart broke. It was during this time and even in my pondering and reflection later did I understand my error. ALL women are daughters of God and He guards them jealously  Especially a righteous woman.

Hearing how he was delaying to go his leader and how even he was wanting to get married so soon... it made me realize it had not sunk in.

My apologies if I offended you.

 

No, it wasn't offense. Just everyone on this thread seems to assume I need a decision made for me; which is really not my intentions at all. I had already made the decision I was not going to marry this person at least so soon. But I felt that if I spoke to him about my trepidation to further the relationship he should know why. We have a lot of differences so I worried that he would interpret it as something shallow (age difference, culture difference, race difference, parents wanting us to marry someone else, etc.) when it comes down to the fact he is not prepared for marriage. But I also wanted to let him know what the repentance process would look like. I found another similar post on this site (the URL has since eluded me) where a guy said he and his current gf had intercourse and wanted to know how long it would be til they could get married and 100% of respondents answered it would be at least a year. So it puzzled me that with this post and about the same amount of detail, if not more, people would be so indirect. I want to encourage him to repent regardless of me, and I want to help him know what to expect and ease his fears about it since he didn't even have a Christian background to begin with and knows next to nothing about the organization of the Church. And you're right, it hasn't sunk in.

It's hard to feel judged; and I want to make it clear that I would never judge someone for not being a virgin and neither would any other good woman (as you learned from your wife) but that's a really really big deal and I guess maybe in spite of what the Church handbook says I should have been straight up with him from the beginning and said that I wouldn't marry someone who had fornicated with someone for at least a year, as my own personal boundary. I think God is telling me to stand up and set my own boundaries because lately I have dated a lot of LDS guys that are active and have recommends but not Worthy...or at least not equally yoked.

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1 hour ago, Overwatch said:

She presents very well. She has never dyed her hair, EVER, so it is quite exquisite looking. Very healthy hair. When she speaks to people she gives them her full attention and gives them a genuine smile if she ever runs into them later. She was working with special needs children when I first met her. Her heart is very Big and it radiates off of her. She also doesn't gossip about people, even when it is just me and her, so imagine people just feel at ease when she is around.

*side story. Yeah I have a ton. My mind is a mess

I dreamt once that I was walking through a beautiful castle. When I got into the courtroom she was sitting on a throne. She was adorned very beautifully and looked very powerful. BUT even with her royal appearance she was very pleased to see me. I am just a simply educated military veteran, so it was a nice dream to say the least.

I guess she just has a command presence but with a old fashioned feminine twist... if that makes sense lol

That's a very sweet dream. If you haven't already you should definitely tell her! I bet it would warm her heart!

And she wounds like a beautiful woman inside and out. I love hearing stories like that.

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3 minutes ago, dddd said:

No, it wasn't offense. Just everyone on this thread seems to assume I need a decision made for me; which is really not my intentions at all. I had already made the decision I was not going to marry this person at least so soon. But I felt that if I spoke to him about my trepidation to further the relationship he should know why. We have a lot of differences so I worried that he would interpret it as something shallow (age difference, culture difference, race difference, parents wanting us to marry someone else, etc.) when it comes down to the fact he is not prepared for marriage. But I also wanted to let him know what the repentance process would look like. I found another similar post on this site (the URL has since eluded me) where a guy said he and his current gf had intercourse and wanted to know how long it would be til they could get married and 100% of respondents answered it would be at least a year. So it puzzled me that with this post and about the same amount of detail, if not more, people would be so indirect. I want to encourage him to repent regardless of me, and I want to help him know what to expect and ease his fears about it since he didn't even have a Christian background to begin with and knows next to nothing about the organization of the Church. And you're right, it hasn't sunk in.

It's hard to feel judged; and I want to make it clear that I would never judge someone for not being a virgin and neither would any other good woman (as you learned from your wife) but that's a really really big deal and I guess maybe in spite of what the Church handbook says I should have been straight up with him from the beginning and said that I wouldn't marry someone who had fornicated with someone for at least a year, as my own personal boundary. I think God is telling me to stand up and set my own boundaries because lately I have dated a lot of LDS guys that are active and have recommends but not Worthy...or at least not equally yoked.

Your resolve is very admirable. I hope your desires are met soon for a loving LDS husband. One who is your equal inside and out. C :

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1 hour ago, Overwatch said:

Your resolve is very admirable. I hope your desires are met soon for a loving LDS husband. One who is your equal inside and out. C :

Thank you! I've been inspired by your story about your wife. Do you mind if I share some of your words/story (not using names or details obviously) to a Facebook group I'm part of about empowering women?

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7 minutes ago, dddd said:

Thank you! I've been inspired by your story about your wife. Do you mind if I share some of your words/story (not using names or details obviously) to a Facebook group I'm part of about empowering women?

Not a problem. I appreciate you removing details as I enjoy sharing with our small group here mainly.

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Here is a true story:

A couple I know wanted to get married in the temple, but couldn't afford all the niceties because they wanted to complete their education etc etc.  So they married civilly without telling anyone. 

They "dated" for at least two years to my knowledge, of course with all the benefits of matrimony.  They never lived together during this period, but stayed with their families. But to the world and even their families, the were only dating.

Let your conscience be your guide.

Edited by mrmarklin
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13 minutes ago, mrmarklin said:

Here is a true story:

A couple I know wanted to get married in the temple, but couldn't afford all the niceties because they wanted to complete their education etc etc.  So they married civilly without telling anyone. 

They "dated" for at least two years to my knowledge, of course with all the benefits of matrimony.  They never lived together during this period, but stayed with their families. But to the world and even their families, the were only dating.

Let your conscience be your guide.

Did they end up getting married in the temple after all? And what happened when their fam and friends found out?

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On 6/5/2018 at 1:42 PM, unixknight said:

I think the worry is exaggerated.

If he's sincere in wanting to be clean, then there is no outcome to all of this where he doesn't get to marry this young woman in the Temple.  Yes, Church discipline may put that off awhile in the timetable, but nothing is permanent IF he's sincere and repentant.

 

I have negatives experiences with men saying they would make changes for me and in my experience they don't hence my choice to not progress the relationship.

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40 minutes ago, mrmarklin said:

Here is a true story:

A couple I know wanted to get married in the temple, but couldn't afford all the niceties because they wanted to complete their education etc etc.  So they married civilly without telling anyone. 

They "dated" for at least two years to my knowledge, of course with all the benefits of matrimony.  They never lived together during this period, but stayed with their families. But to the world and even their families, the were only dating.

Let your conscience be your guide.

Wow, that is a scenario I've never heard before.

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6 hours ago, dddd said:

I have negatives experiences with men saying they would make changes for me and in my experience they don't hence my choice to not progress the relationship.

Yeah.  men and women both have difficulty changing.   It takes a concerted effort to do so.  And often it takes the help of loved ones as well. 

There are many good fish in the sea.  In time you will go fishing again and catch a better fish....  Or he'll catch you...

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10 hours ago, mrmarklin said:

Here is a true story:

A couple I know wanted to get married in the temple, but couldn't afford all the niceties because they wanted to complete their education etc etc.  So they married civilly without telling anyone. 

They "dated" for at least two years to my knowledge, of course with all the benefits of matrimony.  They never lived together during this period, but stayed with their families. But to the world and even their families, the were only dating.

Let your conscience be your guide.

Oh my. This actually perturbed me. I don't know what I'd do if one of my children did this to me. I think I'd ask for a refund on everything they used while mooching off of me.

It seems very selfish in nature and very irresponsible. Almost like they wanted sexual legitimacy while denying the rest of the responsibility of a married couple.

Definitely a thumbs down from me  :C

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4 hours ago, mrmarklin said:

They did eventually marry in the temple and are active members of the church. The couple have a child now. 

That's honestly surprising they're not divorced or subject to Church discipline . As someone who considers herself worthwhile i would never permit a man to do that. It's honestly one of the most selfish things I've heard. And not much better in my mind than the Mormon "megadate" where couples go get civilly married for a day or a week just to have sex then divorce. If they wanted to be financially dependant on their parents, it was straight up dishonest not to tell them. And that IS NOT enjoying all the privileges of matrimony FYI!!! I have a lot more to offer as a marriage partner than just sex. Hopefully they do too. Sick some people think that's all there is too it. Trying to find a loophole around sin is sin itself. To me I would compare that scenario to someone who doesn't wanna confess to smoking but decides to hotbox with their friends. Still sin.

Wow. Just wow. I dearly hope you weren't intending to proffer that story as a SUGGESTION to ME because that's offensive. Any man I marry is gonna man up and be a man and act like one.

Edited by dddd
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