Lee Seo Young

Am I missing out something by rejecting dates?

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Hey, I'm a 21-year-old sister. I was in a relationship with a nonmember when I was 19 and ended up breaking up because of stuff, and now I've been single for two years.

I had two guys ask me out: one a RM who is 8-year-older than me and then another one who is also a member (he' 26 now). The latter guy asked me out again 2 years later (which is now) even after I rejected him before. He said he'd wait until I am available. :l 

I did reject the first guy (even though he liked me a lot) because I feel like I wasn't ready for a steady relationship and he seemed to be looking for a wife already. And I'm only 21, fresh out of college, and just started my new job. They only wanted a date, but I rejected them right away. They say first dates aren't supposed to be preoccupied about bc you're actually getting to know the person first before anything. I'm just afraid it will blow up into something serious and I don't feel ready for the responsibilities. Also, going on dates feels awkward for me. I'm also an introverted person and generally cautious of people and guys, especially after I had my first heartbreak :(

Am I missing out on things? I visualize myself rejecting another guy who'll ask me out out of the same fears and feeling of not being prepared for the emotional and 'financial' demands of a possible relationship. I also live in a family where young adults being on a steady relationship at my age (or within the 20-23 year old age range) is being frowned upon because elders would say: You're too young to be committed OR you have to help your family first before dating OR you shouldn't be committed at that age yet OR wait until you're 25 or something. 

P.S. My family is mostly Mormons, but of course our culture also blends in. 

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Out of everything, I think it's important to say yes to all first dates (barring any major red flags about the guy) out of pure decency. The guy had the courage to ask you out (it is not easy!) and it is respectful to say yes. It is not their fault that you feel a heavy burden about first dates. 

Stop looking at 1 date as the future of your entire relationship with that person. They could go on a date with you and realize that you weren't what they were expecting and not want a second date. And then all your fears and worries were for nothing.

I'm not trying to be rude, but I know from experience that these men (around the age you have stated) are getting more and more let down by women who say no to them asking girls out. And eventually they just stop dating all together because of it. Now, I think they should get over themselves. But at the same time I think women need to stop saying no to 1st dates. You try asking a guy out you like, and him rejecting you. It hurts. 

A 1st date is just about getting to know the other person. If you don't feel like you want to continue to get to know them after that, then you can say no to any future dates. But give yourself and the guy a chance. You have to practice dating, otherwise you're not prepared for marriage in any way. And practicing=going on dates. 

Edited by BeccaKirstyn

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To answer the question in the subject...  How do you expect to find an eternal companion without having a first date?   Now you say you are not looking for that right now which is fine, but it has been my experience that the Lord's plan and my plans do not always match up and I need be ready to drop mine.

Now this does not mean that you need to treat every first date as "THE ONE" because the majority will not be.  Instead use the first date to have fun, to learn and experience new things, get to know what you really want in a potential spouse, to learn whatever lessons God wants you to learn so that you can be ready when the time comes.  You can't do that if you are rejecting all the learning/training opportunities that the Lord wants to send you first.

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I have a different opinion than @BeccaKirstyn

I believe going on dates to get to know someone is... blah.  You get to know someone putting on their best behavior.  Nah.  You get to know someone down in the trenches pulling all-nighters at a hurricane shelter or something.

I said No to everybody asking me out on dates.  You wanna get to know me?  Join my friends.  And that's how I got to know my husband.  We became friends and we worked together volunteering to help Bosnian refugees assimilate.  2 years later, he asked me out on a date (as in, he took me somewhere without the rest of our friends - which happened to be to sacrament meeting at his Church - I was Catholic then) and a few weeks later we got married.

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I know people who date like @anatess2 did, and it worked for them.

But I prefer traditional dating, and a lot of other LDS men do as well. But you have to find what works for you. 

But as @estradling75 said, you can't learn how to be ready for marriage (when that time comes for you...in 5 years, in 2, in 10) if you're not participating in activities/opportunities that allow you to be prepared for it. 

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As a guy, it sucks that we are the ones expected to ask someone out. For some of us it takes a lot of courage. Some of us are introverts that would treat you like a queen and be the best friend you ever had, but asking for a first date can be a very stressful and difficult task. 

And then rejection... 

I am grateful that my daughters don't turn any guys down on the first date. 

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9 minutes ago, Lost Boy said:

I am grateful that my daughters don't turn any guys down on the first date. 

So when Charles Manson Jr. asks them out...?  I'm hoping there are some guys they're smart enough to turn down.  I'm hoping you're smart enough to want them to turn down some guys.

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13 hours ago, BeccaKirstyn said:

Out of everything, I think it's important to say yes to all first dates (barring any major red flags about the guy) out of pure decency. The guy had the courage to ask you out (it is not easy!) and it is respectful to say yes. It is not their fault that you feel a heavy burden about first dates. 

Stop looking at 1 date as the future of your entire relationship with that person. They could go on a date with you and realize that you weren't what they were expecting and not want a second date. And then all your fears and worries were for nothing.

I'm not trying to be rude, but I know from experience that these men (around the age you have stated) are getting more and more let down by women who say no to them asking girls out. And eventually they just stop dating all together because of it. Now, I think they should get over themselves. But at the same time I think women need to stop saying no to 1st dates. You try asking a guy out you like, and him rejecting you. It hurts. 

A 1st date is just about getting to know the other person. If you don't feel like you want to continue to get to know them after that, then you can say no to any future dates. But give yourself and the guy a chance. You have to practice dating, otherwise you're not prepared for marriage in any way. And practicing=going on dates. 

Had a block hit my head. I knew there was something wrong about being reluctant to first dates and always thought I was doing something contrary that involves the Lord (I cant phrase it well...) , so there it is, I received a confirmation. Thank you so much. Yeah, I need to do some 'practice' in order to prepare myself. And that involves overcoming my fears and anxieties with first dates. 

Thanks a bunch. 

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12 hours ago, estradling75 said:

To answer the question in the subject...  How do you expect to find an eternal companion without having a first date?   Now you say you are not looking for that right now which is fine, but it has been my experience that the Lord's plan and my plans do not always match up and I need be ready to drop mine.

Now this does not mean that you need to treat every first date as "THE ONE" because the majority will not be.  Instead use the first date to have fun, to learn and experience new things, get to know what you really want in a potential spouse, to learn whatever lessons God wants you to learn so that you can be ready when the time comes.  You can't do that if you are rejecting all the learning/training opportunities that the Lord wants to send you first.

Thank you so much. I realized a lot of things and maybe in the future,  if I get invitations to dates again, I'll keep this in mind. I've thought there was something wrong about what I'm doing and you guys helped me out, thank you!

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2 hours ago, Lost Boy said:

As a guy, it sucks that we are the ones expected to ask someone out. For some of us it takes a lot of courage. Some of us are introverts that would treat you like a queen and be the best friend you ever had, but asking for a first date can be a very stressful and difficult task. 

And then rejection... 

I am grateful that my daughters don't turn any guys down on the first date. 

Thanks for offering a guy perspective. Made me realize some things. I'll keep this in mind. Thank you!

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12 hours ago, anatess2 said:

I have a different opinion than @BeccaKirstyn

I believe going on dates to get to know someone is... blah.  You get to know someone putting on their best behavior.  Nah.  You get to know someone down in the trenches pulling all-nighters at a hurricane shelter or something.

I said No to everybody asking me out on dates.  You wanna get to know me?  Join my friends.  And that's how I got to know my husband.  We became friends and we worked together volunteering to help Bosnian refugees assimilate.  2 years later, he asked me out on a date (as in, he took me somewhere without the rest of our friends - which happened to be to sacrament meeting at his Church - I was Catholic then) and a few weeks later we got married.

You have such a wonderful story. Thanks for sharing!!!! :)

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10 hours ago, zil said:

So when Charles Manson Jr. asks them out...?  I'm hoping there are some guys they're smart enough to turn down.  I'm hoping you're smart enough to want them to turn down some guys.

You got me there.

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10 hours ago, Lee Seo Young said:

Had a block hit my head. I knew there was something wrong about being reluctant to first dates and always thought I was doing something contrary that involves the Lord (I cant phrase it well...) , so there it is, I received a confirmation. Thank you so much. Yeah, I need to do some 'practice' in order to prepare myself. And that involves overcoming my fears and anxieties with first dates. 

Thanks a bunch. 

No problem! Sometimes our anxiety is our own worst enemy. I totally get it. It gets the best of me all the time.

Glad you were able to find some answers! Good luck in the dating world! I'm still trying to conquer it myself haha. 

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10 hours ago, Lee Seo Young said:

Thanks for offering a guy perspective. Made me realize some things. I'll keep this in mind. Thank you!

And always keep in mind that it is only a first date.  It is a lot easier for a guy to deal with rejection after the first date.

Have fun.  Enjoy the attention.

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5 minutes ago, Lost Boy said:

And always keep in mind that it is only a first date.  It is a lot easier for a guy to deal with rejection after the first date.

Have fun.  Enjoy the attention.

Indeed...  In fact the guy might not want a second date (as ego bruising as that sounds).  Either way you both gave it a shot knowing that it might not work.

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On ‎6‎/‎13‎/‎2018 at 8:06 AM, zil said:

Caesar would have been better off rejecting the 15th of March...  :itwasntme:

This is probably a really funny word play. I'm sure the problem is me. Maybe I just find prunes to be better than dates. :whistling:  And yes, I tell my daughters' would-be dates this all the time!!!

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Concerning the original post, if you are sensing that you need to be more open, then ask the Spirit to help you with that. On the other hand, do NOT feel obligated to date a boy just because he was brave enough to ask. Sometimes--perhaps often--you just know that a person is not right for you. We do not marry most of our first dates, but we generally end up marrying one of them (except @anatess2 of course). So, feel free to say "no," if he does not seem right.

The above is not a man's or woman's perspective, but that of a dad.  :-)

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4 minutes ago, prisonchaplain said:

This is probably a really funny word play. I'm sure the problem is me. Maybe I just find prunes to be better than dates. :whistling:  And yes, I tell my daughters' would-be dates this all the time!!!

Reject a date.  The ides of March is the 15th of March, which is a date.  Caesar.  Beware the ides of March.  Reject the date of 15 March.  Don't get stabbed?

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@zil, Well, sure. Prunes and dates are also very similar, but dates sometimes result in broken hearts, and teary daughters, so most dads prefer prunes. Come to think of it, your example might not have been meant as pun--it might have been a literal example--dates equal knives in backs (that tend to go all the way through hearts).

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41 minutes ago, prisonchaplain said:

@zil, Well, sure. Prunes and dates are also very similar, but dates sometimes result in broken hearts, and teary daughters, so most dads prefer prunes. Come to think of it, your example might not have been meant as pun--it might have been a literal example--dates equal knives in backs (that tend to go all the way through hearts).

Yeah, I was just being snarky.  It was a knee-jerk reaction - the first thing I thought of when I read the thread title. :)

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11 hours ago, prisonchaplain said:

Concerning the original post, if you are sensing that you need to be more open, then ask the Spirit to help you with that. On the other hand, do NOT feel obligated to date a boy just because he was brave enough to ask. Sometimes--perhaps often--you just know that a person is not right for you. We do not marry most of our first dates, but we generally end up marrying one of them (except @anatess2 of course). So, feel free to say "no," if he does not seem right.

The above is not a man's or woman's perspective, but that of a dad.  🙂

Thank you! 

I think I havent told in the post why i rejected the two guys. 

1st guy - Explained to me later (coz we were texting for a few mos regularly) that if we ever end up together, he would like to get married in a year or so. Explained to me he was feeling kind of missing out something bc at 28, he isn't settling down still. I felt aghast by that. It was too quick, too straigthtforward. we havent even had our first date together! 

2nd guy - Asked if he could court me. He's looking for a relationship. I said NO because college was taking a toll on me 2 years ago and maybe I was judgmental about him as well. (My fault, my fault). 2 years later, he asks me out now. Now i dont know why I would reject him. ...

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8 hours ago, Lee Seo Young said:

1st guy - Explained to me later (coz we were texting for a few mos regularly) that if we ever end up together, he would like to get married in a year or so. Explained to me he was feeling kind of missing out something bc at 28, he isn't settling down still. I felt aghast by that. It was too quick, too straigthtforward. we havent even had our first date together!

Hardly an unrealistic expectation, and not that unusual to mention if you were in contact for a while already.  IMO, it's a good thing to know you're not dealing with somebody who just wants to date indefinitely, and never let (or help) the relationship progress beyond that point.

8 hours ago, Lee Seo Young said:

2nd guy - Asked if he could court me. He's looking for a relationship. I said NO because college was taking a toll on me 2 years ago and maybe I was judgmental about him as well. (My fault, my fault). 2 years later, he asks me out now. Now i dont know why I would reject him. ...

If you look at a relationship as some sort of inconvenience, you might as well quit wasting so much time on sleep too.

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On 6/13/2018 at 7:30 AM, Lee Seo Young said:

Hey, I'm a 21-year-old sister. I was in a relationship with a nonmember when I was 19 and ended up breaking up because of stuff, and now I've been single for two years.

I had two guys ask me out: one a RM who is 8-year-older than me and then another one who is also a member (he' 26 now). The latter guy asked me out again 2 years later (which is now) even after I rejected him before. He said he'd wait until I am available. :l 

I did reject the first guy (even though he liked me a lot) because I feel like I wasn't ready for a steady relationship and he seemed to be looking for a wife already. And I'm only 21, fresh out of college, and just started my new job. They only wanted a date, but I rejected them right away. They say first dates aren't supposed to be preoccupied about bc you're actually getting to know the person first before anything. I'm just afraid it will blow up into something serious and I don't feel ready for the responsibilities. Also, going on dates feels awkward for me. I'm also an introverted person and generally cautious of people and guys, especially after I had my first heartbreak :(

Am I missing out on things? I visualize myself rejecting another guy who'll ask me out out of the same fears and feeling of not being prepared for the emotional and 'financial' demands of a possible relationship. I also live in a family where young adults being on a steady relationship at my age (or within the 20-23 year old age range) is being frowned upon because elders would say: You're too young to be committed OR you have to help your family first before dating OR you shouldn't be committed at that age yet OR wait until you're 25 or something. 

P.S. My family is mostly Mormons, but of course our culture also blends in. 

Hey, if you don't like the guy then just say "Thank you so much but I am not interested" if he asks why just look at him firmly without saying anything or just smile and walk away.

You don't need to give anyone an answer why OR if you just like him in the friendzone just say "you are like a little brother to me"

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