Breaking up before the mission

[adsf1999]

Recently my boyfriend of about a year and I decided to end our relationship as we were both planning on serving a mission. We dated throughout senior year of high school and were extremely cautious getting into a relationship and made sure that we were never in a situation that would affect our ability to go. We still got very emotionally close to the point that made the break up really difficult for me. I had been getting promptings about calling it off maybe two or three days before the actual break up, but he was the one to bring up separating. It caught me off guard a bit but after a lot of praying I knew I was time.

Although we both agree that we need to take out the romance from our relationship, it's been very draining on me. I'm still having a hard time not knowing what's going to happen after this; leading up to the mission, during the mission, and afterwards. He submitted his call yesterday while I plan on submitting it within the next week or two which means we still have a few months of seeing each other. He only lives a few houses down from me, we attend a majority of the same classes, and our friend group consists of the same people. So I guess this is what I'm asking:

1) What's the best way to deal with this type of break up? We still have mutual feelings towards each other but I'm not sure if I should try moving on and try to rid myself of these feelings or if I should accept them and just know that after the mission we might not be interested in each other.

2) How can I remain his friend and still keep my distance before the mission? No matter what he's still my best friend and I don't want to lose him over this. Would texting him still be distracting? I'm guessing one on one talking might not be best but I'm not sure honestly.

3) Can I still email him over the mission? I just want to send him my mission updates and just see how he's doing or would that also be distracting for him?

4) How do I get over this fear that I might really lose him after the mission?

5) Just overall, how do I get over this break up? I'm really struggling as once again we were really close. We were never physical in anyway honestly. Our relationship most just consisted on holding hands and very few kisses. We were both very much not into PDA to the point where people didn't even know we were dating. We never said things like 'i love you' because that's intense for a relationship before a mission but we were very emotionally invested. We both had liked each other for about a year before we dated and finally decided to date for the next year. It's really hard to let go but I know it's for the best but I'd like any advice to help ease the process.

If you have or know of a familiar story between missionaries and what eventually happened I really like to know.

 

[NeedleinA]

10 hours ago, adsf1999 said:

1. It's really hard to let go but I know it's for the best but I'd like any advice to help ease the process.

2. Just overall, how do I get over this break up?

@adsf1999 congratulations on your willingness to serve a mission, I'm excited for you. Responding in order 1 & 2:

1. "I know it is for the best". You may need to remind yourself of this for the next little while. You may even write down your reasons for it while they are fresh in your mind. If you know it is for the best, then "how/why" do you know that? Write it down so if times get hard you can remind yourself later.

2. Time & Substitution:
Time: will dull feelings and help the pain. Time is also your enemy because often we want the pain to leave us 'now'. You will be surprised how after a week, then a month and then after 3 months you will feel yourself gradually becoming more and more at peace with things because "I know it is for the best" (see #1).

Substitution: After a break up there is typically a void or vacuum in your life, where previously you had a boyfriend. There is often a period of shock & sadness (exactly what you are going through now). Since the passing of time is ultimately what you are waiting for, you need to fill that void with something else in the meantime, like going on a mission yourself. Spend more time with your 'other' friends if you need to get over the hump until you leave.

Focus on filling the void with something else and give your heart some time and it will be fine, especially once you turn your heart over to the Lord as a Missionary.
Good luck moving forward and good luck on your mission!

He is focused on his mission now. If you are meant to be with this person later in life, it will work itself out at a later date.

 

Edited June 19, 2018 by NeedleinA

[Lost Boy]

I had a serious GF before my mission.  We did everything together.  I really hoped that she would wait for me after my mission.  But I basically asked her to not wait for me.  I asked her to have fun and date other guys.  And that if she is still available after the mission, we will get back together.

Two months into the mission the frequency of letters slowed.  By month 4, not hardly anything and by month 6....  the dear John...  I was a bit crushed at first, but after a month, I was good.  In fact I was better.  I didn't have to worry any more.  Intellectually I knew there were plenty of other women out there for me, but I had my heart set on that particular one.

The thing is that we as humans have a fear of leaving relationships.  The fear of rejection and not knowing.  We like the comfort of love.  But... the truth is there really are many people out there that would make a good match with us.  People come and go in our lives and sometimes it hurts a bit.  But love comes again and you get over your past heartbreaks.

I am facebook friends with the lady that dumped me while on my mission.  She turned out very differently than I expected.  I am very grateful I found my wife.  And even though we have had some rough patches, I love her with all my heart.

Talk with him and let him go.  You can certainly write as friends on the mission.  No issues with calling and talking with him before the mission either.  I didn't cut my GF off.  Just told her that we were not exclusive any more.  

[anatess2]

On 6/19/2018 at 12:52 AM, adsf1999 said:

5) Just overall, how do I get over this break up?

 

Immerse yourself in the Lord's work.  You won't have time, nor room, for anything else in the mission field.  Pour your entire being into the preparation necessary for this giant calling and sacrifice.

 

[Guest LiterateParakeet]

Congratulations to both of you on your desire to serve the Lord, and serve missions.  My husband and I both served, and my son and his wife, and my daughter....   Especially now that young women can go at 19, I hope all my future daughter-in-laws will serve missions!   

I hate to tell you this, but I can't answer any of your questions because I don't know you two well enough.  I think these are questions that you need to work out with the Lord (because you had the prompting to break up, you know you can get revelation on this relationship.)  

That said...very generic guidelines.  I would say still be friends, but never be alone.  Since you are trying to be friends, but not dating, no touching (hand holding, etc.)  I would think texting is fine (if the Lord  and he agree), and letter writing and sharing mission things with each other is likely fine as well.  

About getting over the break up, allow yourself to feel sad.  Because you are sad now, you will be able to appreciate love and happiness all the more when you feel them again.  You may yet end up marrying this young man, and you might end up marrying someone else.  But as long as you follow the Lord He WILL bless you in ways you can't imagine.  When you feel sad visualize yourself putting your hand in the Lord's hand, and walking through the darkness...knowing that He will not let you fall, even you you can see where you are going.  

Hang in there, I know it hurts right now, but things will get better.  The Lord will reward you for your faithfulness, I promise.  

[anatess2]

Just want to post this out there:

My son is one year away from mission eligibility.  He has a girlfriend who is 1 year older than he is and so she is also 1 year away from mission eligibility.  They have no intention of breaking up before going on their respective missions.  They both know a mission is a life-changing event and they both know their relationship is not set in stone until they are married.

[adsf1999]

Thank you all so much for all your responses, they've been so helpful and quite honestly comforting to hear. 

I guess I'll give a brief update. We had been casually talking for the past month, but you could tell there was an obvious discomfort because we didn't really know how to handle things. I had been praying constantly trying to figure out how to settle things and kind of just feel a little more at peace with everything especially if I was planning on serving a mission soon, I really just wanted to get these feelings handled before I left.

It's funny how the Lord works sometimes. A few days ago I decided to talk to him like some of you had suggested. I had this whole outline in my head like 'its okay and we can still be friends, this shouldn't be as awkward as it is, we can still email each other, etc.' That never happened. We ended up talking about how we had felt about each other during our relationship. Once again we really refrained from getting too emotional during our relationship so this was really different. I think just hearing how much he cared for me was enough to give me a bit of peace as I still young and feel pretty self conscious about things like that. We ended doing what I thought would have been the worst case scenario, but I think now it was for the best. I think as we talked we both knew why we really needed to break up before the mission. When we started dating we didn't plan on breaking up and his parents dated throughout each other's missions so I just hoped it could be the same. I won't mention his reason for needing to end things, but as for me, I think I just became a little too dependent on him making me happy. My mood just revolved around him and that's not healthy for a mission. We decided it was best not to text much before we leave and we also decided not to email. This would have been the end of the world to me a month ago, but honestly I'm relieved. It's funny I guess because my biggest fear was losing my best friend and cutting him off feels like I'm doing exactly that, but for some reason I feels like the right thing at this time. He's still my best friend, and we are going back to the same school when we get back so this obviously isn't the end (of our friendship at least). I really don't know where it's headed but once again I really appreciate all the responses, they helped me sort out my feelings quite a bit.

On a sidenote, my mission call came in a few days ago!!!

[Guest LiterateParakeet]

On 7/27/2018 at 8:56 AM, adsf1999 said:

On a sidenote, my mission call came in a few days ago!!!

Congratulations.  If you feel comfortable, tell us where you are going!     My daughter is serving in San Diego.  

I think you and your friend are making a good, mature decision following what the Spirit has shown you is best for you.  Good job!  And you are feeling the peace that comes from following the Lord even when his answer is not what you had hoped.  

A little story that might be helpful....years ago, before we were married, my husband was dating a different young woman.  They had gotten serious and talked about marriage.  One night she asked him to give her a blessing.  He did and felt the Spirit counsel her to date other people.  They were both very disappointed, but like you and your best friend, they did what they were directed to to.  

I can tell you that my husband understands now why that happened and he is very grateful that he made that choice and as a result was single when I came into his life.      The Lord will bless you both for following Him.  Your paths may yet converge, or they may not, but I know that if you follow the Lord you will be blessed and have many happy experiences!  

[adsf1999]

On 7/29/2018 at 5:59 AM, LiterateParakeet said:

Congratulations.  If you feel comfortable, tell us where you are going!     My daughter is serving in San Diego.  

That's awesome I have some family around the San Diego area   And I got called to the Maryland Baltimore Mission! Super excited!!

[NeuroTypical]

"Every hour you spend in love with a soon-to-be-missionary, is an hour spent in love with someone else's husband."

- Some random internet person who has more of a point than some folks want to admit.

[pam]

On 7/29/2018 at 6:59 AM, LiterateParakeet said:

Congratulations.  If you feel comfortable, tell us where you are going!     My daughter is serving in San Diego.  
 

How did I not know this?  San Diego is my home town.  What area is she currently in?

[Guest LiterateParakeet]

7 hours ago, pam said:

How did I not know this?  San Diego is my home town.  What area is she currently in?

I had no idea!      I sent you a message on Facebook.