Missionaries have stopped coming to see my children


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I have asked a question on this forum once before about getting a blessing for my youngest son. My husband was a mormon but he passed away 6 years ago, we have 2 children who are 9 and 7. In April this year I finally got around to organising a blessing for my youngest son. After that I decided to have missionaries come over so my children could learn about what their father believed. The two elders mainly told my sons stories from the Book of Mormon and my sons loved them, the elders came once a week for 6 weeks. 2 weeks ago the Elders told me that given I hadn't brought my kids to church they wouldn't be able to come by anymore. I didn't take my kids to church because I have no interest in attending church and I take my kids to visit my family on Sundays. My kids still want to see the missionaries but I don't know how to find different Elders who would be willing to come over. Truthfully, I am a little annoyed by the Elders deciding not to visit anymore because my kids are very shy and it took a few weeks for them to feel comfortable talking and listening with the Elders. Do you have any advice on how I can fix this situation?

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52 minutes ago, Star said:

I have asked a question on this forum once before about getting a blessing for my youngest son. My husband was a mormon but he passed away 6 years ago, we have 2 children who are 9 and 7. In April this year I finally got around to organising a blessing for my youngest son. After that I decided to have missionaries come over so my children could learn about what their father believed. The two elders mainly told my sons stories from the Book of Mormon and my sons loved them, the elders came once a week for 6 weeks. 2 weeks ago the Elders told me that given I hadn't brought my kids to church they wouldn't be able to come by anymore. I didn't take my kids to church because I have no interest in attending church and I take my kids to visit my family on Sundays. My kids still want to see the missionaries but I don't know how to find different Elders who would be willing to come over. Truthfully, I am a little annoyed by the Elders deciding not to visit anymore because my kids are very shy and it took a few weeks for them to feel comfortable talking and listening with the Elders. Do you have any advice on how I can fix this situation?

Missionaries are to bring people unto Christ through baptism. If you don’t allow your children to attend church and be baptized, the missionaries will leave and seek people who desire salvation. I know it is rough but missionaries are not just traveling teachers that visit people.

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5 minutes ago, Fether said:

Missionaries are to bring people unto Christ through baptism. If you don’t allow your children to attend church and be baptized, the missionaries will leave and seek people who desire salvation. I know it is rough but missionaries are not just traveling teachers that visit people.

@Star  this is true in general but sometime concession is made. I was missionary there were people we visit to help just to be kind toward them because they needed it. I would speak to the Bishop of the ward the missionary came from, he will try his best to help your children still learn. 

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Welcome back, @Star!  Another important fact about missionaries is that they only stay in any given area for a short period of time.  I'm not sure exactly how long it is (not long), but after that time, they get transferred to another area, so these specific Elders couldn't continue to teach your kids indefinitely even if baptism / conversion weren't an issue.  (As stated above, the purpose of the missionaries is to introduce people to the gospel and prepare them for baptism.  After that, the members of the congregation help these new members to learn and adjust to life in the Church.)

Since you don't want to attend Church, and since the Elders can't stay indefinitely to teach your kids, another option might be to find the ward you live in (Mormon.org can help with this, or https://www.lds.org/maps/meetinghouses/?lang=eng), and meet some members with whom you can develop a friendship, then these members can either teach your kids more, or take your kids with them to Church or activities on weekday evenings or Saturdays.  That way, your kids get a fuller experience of their father's beliefs and what it was like in practice.  You can go with your kids as much as you like to get comfortable with the idea and with the people there.  Or you can just get to know someone enough that you trust them coming to your house (or wherever it was) and teaching your kids.  I know it's probably more investment than you want, but this is the best way to find people who can become a long-term part of your lives.

ETA: Also, after 18 - 24 months, Elders go back to wherever their home is and resume a normal life.

Edited by zil
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12 hours ago, Star said:

I have asked a question on this forum once before about getting a blessing for my youngest son. My husband was a mormon but he passed away 6 years ago, we have 2 children who are 9 and 7. In April this year I finally got around to organising a blessing for my youngest son. After that I decided to have missionaries come over so my children could learn about what their father believed. The two elders mainly told my sons stories from the Book of Mormon and my sons loved them, the elders came once a week for 6 weeks. 2 weeks ago the Elders told me that given I hadn't brought my kids to church they wouldn't be able to come by anymore. I didn't take my kids to church because I have no interest in attending church and I take my kids to visit my family on Sundays. My kids still want to see the missionaries but I don't know how to find different Elders who would be willing to come over. Truthfully, I am a little annoyed by the Elders deciding not to visit anymore because my kids are very shy and it took a few weeks for them to feel comfortable talking and listening with the Elders. Do you have any advice on how I can fix this situation?

Of course your kids loved the stories. They heard something that let them connect to their dad. It was, for a moment, to feel closer to someone they've lost. 

 

Have you considered taking them to church a couple of times to see if they like it? Maybe they learn something amazing and new and wonderful, or maybe they're bored out of their skulls and don't want to come back. You can still take them to see your family in the afternoon, stay for a few hours. Or take them on Saturday - Maybe this will just help them connect to who their father was.

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3 hours ago, FunkyTown said:

Of course your kids loved the stories. They heard something that let them connect to their dad. It was, for a moment, to feel closer to someone they've lost. 

 

Have you considered taking them to church a couple of times to see if they like it? Maybe they learn something amazing and new and wonderful, or maybe they're bored out of their skulls and don't want to come back. You can still take them to see your family in the afternoon, stay for a few hours. Or take them on Saturday - Maybe this will just help them connect to who their father was.

It isn't only that I don't want to go to church and I visit my parents that makes me not want to take them, I don't feel able to go to church. I think they would enjoy it, they are always wanting to do things that their dad did. 

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27 minutes ago, Star said:

I don't feel able to go to church

I don't know why this is, and certainly don't want you to share anything you're not comfortable sharing, but just know that everyone is welcome at church.  It's highly likely that everyone there is struggling in some way, and even if there's a judgemental jerk present, the vast, vast majority of people there would be happy you came, and when you explained why, they would be deeply moved and trip over themselves to help you in your goal.

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29 minutes ago, Star said:

It isn't only that I don't want to go to church and I visit my parents that makes me not want to take them, I don't feel able to go to church. I think they would enjoy it, they are always wanting to do things that their dad did. 

That is so sad! Why wouldn't you be able to go to church?

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16 hours ago, Star said:

I have asked a question on this forum once before about getting a blessing for my youngest son. My husband was a mormon but he passed away 6 years ago, we have 2 children who are 9 and 7. In April this year I finally got around to organising a blessing for my youngest son. After that I decided to have missionaries come over so my children could learn about what their father believed. The two elders mainly told my sons stories from the Book of Mormon and my sons loved them, the elders came once a week for 6 weeks. 2 weeks ago the Elders told me that given I hadn't brought my kids to church they wouldn't be able to come by anymore. I didn't take my kids to church because I have no interest in attending church and I take my kids to visit my family on Sundays. My kids still want to see the missionaries but I don't know how to find different Elders who would be willing to come over. Truthfully, I am a little annoyed by the Elders deciding not to visit anymore because my kids are very shy and it took a few weeks for them to feel comfortable talking and listening with the Elders. Do you have any advice on how I can fix this situation?

Mormon missionaries and even missionaries of other faiths have to show progression with an interested party. "Investigators" or people interested in baptism have to fit a certain criteria for baptism. The Elders report back to their area leaders on EVERY person they are teaching. In order for missionaries to justify visits to people they have to be progressing toward coming to Christ. This includes living all the laws of God which includes church participation. Once these requirements are met then missionaries can baptize you. After baptisms missionaries are allowed to visit recent converts but the bulk of that duty is on the members. Since missionaries have 24 months (males) and 18 months (for sisters, I think) they try to get as many new members possible before having to go back home. 

Parents can facilitate this by helping their children go to church and or finding a responsible adult willing to take them and accompany them. 

It simply is a matter of progression and time for the Elders

 

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2 hours ago, FunkyTown said:

That is so sad! Why wouldn't you be able to go to church?

The church near us is the same church my late husband went to, it just doesn't feel natural for me to go there. Also, I am 90% sure that my late husband's sister still goes there and it would be so awkward to see her. 

 

3 hours ago, zil said:

vast majority of people there would be happy you came, and when you explained why, they would be deeply moved and trip over themselves to help you in your goal.

I know a lot of people at the church who were friends with my late husband and after he passed away and when he was unwell they offered to help me but I purposefully distanced myself from them. Now when I see a few of them around (it is rare) they acknowledge me but we don't speak. 

 

Originally, I asked missionaries from a further ward to come by instead of the one my late husband used to go to but I was told they couldn't come because of the distance. So I assume that the second closest church is quite far away. 

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3 hours ago, Overwatch said:

Mormon missionaries and even missionaries of other faiths have to show progression with an interested party. "Investigators" or people interested in baptism have to fit a certain criteria for baptism.

I didn't assume that this would be the case with children. 

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6 minutes ago, Star said:

I know a lot of people at the church who were friends with my late husband and after he passed away and when he was unwell they offered to help me but I purposefully distanced myself from them. Now when I see a few of them around (it is rare) they acknowledge me but we don't speak.  

In my experience, this kind of awkwardness is quickly resolved by one party starting up a conversation.  If I were one of those people who offered help, but was told "no thanks", and you talked to me some time later, I would simply assume the grief was far enough passed that you were now able to handle the emotional difficulty of interacting with someone from your husband's church.

In other words, it's probably not as big a deal as either side might think it.

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1 minute ago, Star said:

I didn't assume that this would be the case with children. 

I feel for you and I am sure that I would feel the same in your position. The missionaries report to someone. This someone may be juggling scarce resources. This someone: is a volunteer and thus is probably not trained as well as they would be in a nonvolunteer organization, is human and makes mistakes, is trying to interprete based on information provided by young missionaries.

As a last resort, I would go to Mormon.org and use the chat function to chat to a missionary.

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20 minutes ago, Star said:

The church near us is the same church my late husband went to, it just doesn't feel natural for me to go there. Also, I am 90% sure that my late husband's sister still goes there and it would be so awkward to see her. 

 

I know a lot of people at the church who were friends with my late husband and after he passed away and when he was unwell they offered to help me but I purposefully distanced myself from them. Now when I see a few of them around (it is rare) they acknowledge me but we don't speak. 

 

Originally, I asked missionaries from a further ward to come by instead of the one my late husband used to go to but I was told they couldn't come because of the distance. So I assume that the second closest church is quite far away. 

 

I get it. Those can be painful memories. But... If you were my sister-in-law and my brother had passed away, you would still be family.

 

If you distanced yourself, they probably think you don't want to see them due to the pain it causes. I get it - We all process grief in different ways. Just know that you don't need to be alone. You're loved. We want you there and you don't need to do it alone.

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39 minutes ago, Sunday21 said:

As a last resort, I would go to Mormon.org and use the chat function to chat to a missionary.

I did try to do that but I just got a screen of videos to watch and a message saying no one is available. I think I will leave it for 2 weeks and if my kids are still wanting to read the Book of Mormon or see the Elders I will deal with it and if they don't mention it then at least I tried to help them learn about Mormons. 

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56 minutes ago, zil said:

In my experience, this kind of awkwardness is quickly resolved by one party starting up a conversation.  If I were one of those people who offered help, but was told "no thanks", and you talked to me some time later, I would simply assume the grief was far enough passed that you were now able to handle the emotional difficulty of interacting with someone from your husband's church.

 In other words, it's probably not as big a deal as either side might think it.

I don't think I am ready even though it has been 6 years, grief isn't the reason I don't want to go. I am really unsure why I don't want to see my late husband's friends and family. 

 

45 minutes ago, FunkyTown said:

 

I get it. Those can be painful memories. But... If you were my sister-in-law and my brother had passed away, you would still be family.

 

If you distanced yourself, they probably think you don't want to see them due to the pain it causes. I get it - We all process grief in different ways. Just know that you don't need to be alone. You're loved. We want you there and you don't need to do it alone.

It isn't the memories that makes me not want to go, I just feel unwelcome going into church. 

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1 hour ago, Star said:

I didn't assume that this would be the case with children. 

Hi! It is especially important to have adult support for child baptisms. It is frowned upon to baptize a child without their parents. Although if a child does attend all meetings and the parents approve of the baptism and regular Sunday attendance, then the missionaries will baptize them. Only one of your children fit the AGE requirement for baptism but the other is encouraged to attend church as well. 8 years old and above is baptism age. Earlier is unnecessary as 7 yrs and below are innocent before God.  The key is your 9 year old going to church on Sundays. 

A person who likes the missionary visits but doesn't show progress toward baptism has to be cleared from a spot for those who are progressing. No matter how much a missionary wants to PERSONALLY visit someone there has to be a reason linked to their assignment, which in your 9 years old's case would be regular church attendance to help him enter into the waters of Baptism. 

I am sure the missionaries are sad they have to fill that time slot with another investigator. Every person they meet is indeed special and unique. 

Edited by Overwatch
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17 minutes ago, Star said:

I did try to do that but I just got a screen of videos to watch and a message saying no one is available. I think I will leave it for 2 weeks and if my kids are still wanting to read the Book of Mormon or see the Elders I will deal with it and if they don't mention it then at least I tried to help them learn about Mormons. 

Here is a phone number https://www.mormon.org/searchresults#?query=Referal&filter=relevant

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1 hour ago, Overwatch said:

Hi! It is especially important to have adult support for child baptisms. It is frowned upon to baptize a child without their parents. Although if a child does attend all meetings and the parents approve of the baptism and regular Sunday attendance, then the missionaries will baptize them. Only one of your children fit the AGE requirement for baptism but the other is encouraged to attend church as well. 8 years old and above is baptism age. Earlier is unnecessary as 7 yrs and below are innocent before God.  The key is your 9 year old going to church on Sundays. 

 A person who likes the missionary visits but doesn't show progress toward baptism has to be cleared from a spot for those who are progressing. No matter how much a missionary wants to PERSONALLY visit someone there has to be a reason linked to their assignment, which in your 9 years old's case would be regular church attendance to help him enter into the waters of Baptism. 

 I am sure the missionaries are sad they have to fill that time slot with another investigator. Every person they meet is indeed special and unique. 

I think I was clear with the missionary I spoke to on the phone before they met my kids about what I wanted and they didn't mention any of the we will stop visiting if you don't go to church. Oh well at least my kids know I tried to help them learn 

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12 minutes ago, Star said:

I think I was clear with the missionary I spoke to on the phone before they met my kids about what I wanted and they didn't mention any of the we will stop visiting if you don't go to church. Oh well at least my kids know I tried to help them learn 

What exactly did you tell them on the phone about what you wanted?

If you don't mind sharing

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15 minutes ago, Overwatch said:

What exactly did you tell them on the phone about what you wanted?

If you don't mind sharing

I asked them whether they could come to my house to give my youngest son a blessing. Then I think they asked me if my sons were wanting to learn about the gospel  , I said I am sure they would be but I made it clear that I wanted the missionaries to teach them general things, such as, Book of Mormon stories and general principles of the gospel. 

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3 minutes ago, Star said:

I asked them whether they could come to my house to give my youngest son a blessing. Then I think they asked me if my sons were wanting to learn about the gospel  , I said I am sure they would be but I made it clear that I wanted the missionaries to teach them general things, such as, Book of Mormon stories and general principles of the gospel. 

Ah, ok. well there is a certain curriculum they have to teach. The missionaries have limited authority in the church and abide by strict mission rules (As I outlined above briefly) Once they finish teaching the curriculum to the person, regardless of age, then the person can get extended learning by going to church.

Usually the investigator will commit to membership and the native area church members (members living in your area) will take over the fellowship and "extended teaching". I can assure you it is not personal that they stopped coming. There are A LOT of people they are teaching and as mentioned before they report on how they are using their time. It very well may be their mission leaders asked them to concentrate on other people who are committing to church attendance and progression.

I wish I had a more desirable reply. I hope you can work up the courage to visit church again with your kids. In the meantime we can help answer questions you have :)

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22 minutes ago, Star said:

I asked them whether they could come to my house to give my youngest son a blessing. Then I think they asked me if my sons were wanting to learn about the gospel  , I said I am sure they would be but I made it clear that I wanted the missionaries to teach them general things, such as, Book of Mormon stories and general principles of the gospel. 

I'm really surprised they would have a problem with this. I used to go out with the missionaries about once a week, sometimes twice and we'd always teach a variety of things. Even if someone just wanted to talk about their lives-the missionaries would make time for them. I'm just really stunned that they would stop coming to see your children. I'm so sorry you are dealing with this!  

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On 6/24/2018 at 8:53 PM, Star said:

I have asked a question on this forum once before about getting a blessing for my youngest son. My husband was a mormon but he passed away 6 years ago, we have 2 children who are 9 and 7. In April this year I finally got around to organising a blessing for my youngest son. After that I decided to have missionaries come over so my children could learn about what their father believed. The two elders mainly told my sons stories from the Book of Mormon and my sons loved them, the elders came once a week for 6 weeks. 2 weeks ago the Elders told me that given I hadn't brought my kids to church they wouldn't be able to come by anymore. I didn't take my kids to church because I have no interest in attending church and I take my kids to visit my family on Sundays. My kids still want to see the missionaries but I don't know how to find different Elders who would be willing to come over. Truthfully, I am a little annoyed by the Elders deciding not to visit anymore because my kids are very shy and it took a few weeks for them to feel comfortable talking and listening with the Elders. Do you have any advice on how I can fix this situation?

Sadly this is quite a common scenario. It's one reason I didn't serve a mission. The missionaries are insincere with you, they don't care about you or your children you are just potential baptisms to make sure they hit their targets. It's sad because your children deserve better than that especially if their father served a mission for the church and now his children are not being helped by missionaries because missionaries only care about their figures and not the people. I suggest that you teach them yourself maybe you can get some inspiration from Lds.org. You could start doing a family home evening with your children, you may not be as knowledgeable as the missionaries but at least you care for your children. 

 

I completely understand wanting to distance yourself from people at your late husband's church whilst you were grieving .  

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