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A little background about me:

I was born into the church to a single mom. We were inactive until I was about 7, and by this time my mom had married my stepdad. I got baptized at 8. We moved out of state when I was 16 and my parents became inactive, which made my young siblings become inactive. I quickly fell to inactivity as well.

My marriage story:

Six years ago at 17 I met my now husband, who was not a member. I broke the law of chastity with him while we dated. We got married when I was 18, and he is 7 years older- we had dated for a year. Although I did love him, I also felt like I HAD ago marry him since I'd slept with him, feeling guilty due to my upbringing in the church. I honestly was not totally ready for marriage but I convinced myself I was. Plus my parents were about to move out of state again and I would not "shack up" with a boyfriend so I rushed the marriage even more. I wasn't sure he was totally ready either, but it later seemed he just acted like he was to not disappoint me.

Our first year married was tumultuous. He was from another country and a much more traditional culture: women were responsible for all housework, cooking, and child rearing. I was 18, so I was taking college classes and I worked full time but was still expected to take on the home responsibilities. This caused a lot of tension and fighting, as I felt I was being treated unfairly. He made much more money than I did and often felt justified by that and his upbringing. I am impatient and can be sassy but he would be pretty cruel in his words. He often drank. It wasn't unusual for him to get drunk, although he knew I hated it- this also caused fights. He often accused me of cheating while not at home- more fighting. Three holes had to patched up in doors/walls at our first apartment. 

He was a good man despite these issues and never physically hurt me but our tempers and stubbornness did a lot of emotional/verbal damage to each other and it was clear we had not prepared for marriage properly as far as actually doing it for the right reasons and having certain important discussions before rushing into it. He seemed ready for divorce in the first year, and I was miserable too, but I didn't want divorce and always tried to end problems quickly, but he just wanted things done on his own terms.

A year after marriage I got pregnant. At 20 I had our child. I thought this would mostly fix our issues. In some ways it did, but bad things continued as stress increased and sleep decreased. I developed a mild-moderate post partum depression and felt numb to most things, and had no motivation for anything besides my child's well being. Our fights were still ongoing. We faced crippling financial issues which seemed to fuel many fights, along with housework and cooking not being done due to being an exhausted and depressed first-time mom. I started to think he may be cheating, too. In some fights he even said he was only here for the baby.

A friend invited me back to church soon after I had my child, so I went. I started going regularly and had my child blessed. My husband was never against the church, but worked every Sunday and did not care to go out of his way to attend. I was a stay-at-home mom for two years and continued to attend church, sometimes missing a week, but not enough to be inactive again. The same relationship issues were happening. I sought help from the bishop's first counselor, who referred us to a marriage counselor from LDS Family Services- the ward funds paid for part of it and we set up monthly payments for the rest.

Our counselor helped us be very honest and open about our feelings. At this point I was burned out by the marriage and did not have much desire to continue it. Things would temporarily improve in specific areas that the counselor had us work on, but old habits would come back quickly and ruin what we'd seemingly patched. I honestly felt more of a best friend type of love than a romantic type of love towards him- for some reason I also didn't feel very attracted to him anymore (he didn't physically change or anything like that) but I didn't share any of this. I spoke about how I wanted a sealed, active family and that I felt I'd never have it with him. He offered to start coming to church, and he did, but I could tell he didn't understand just how important this was to me. He's the type that goes on Sundays but doesn't make it his lifestyle. I wanted an LDS-lifestyle in my marriage and I needed a companion who could help keep me in check, and we could keep each other motivated & accountable. It seemed clear that this wouldn't happen, even though he enjoyed going on Sundays and attending ward functions.

Towards the end of our sessions it seemed I grew less and less motivated to continue the marriage and my husband became more motivated. In one of the last sessions, the counselor asked us to decide if we still had hope and would continue working on it, or if we'd lost all hope and would divorce. I knew what I wanted but didn't feel "justified" since there hadn't been physical abuse, abandonment, or known affairs. I had love for my husband but would feel awful. I was honest and said I was unhappy and felt hopeless. I didn't want to wait years on end to feel happiness from the marriage, or possibly never reach that point throughout my life in the marriage. My husband was shocked, since I'd not shared these feelings during the sessions- I had been hoping I'd suddenly have a revelation that would shut down my fears and figured I shouldn't hurt anyone's feelings, if mine were going to change anyways. I also thought about my son, who'd live in  broken home if divorce happened.

I went home with every intention of it being over. My husband was angry and hurt, and I felt bad, but I also felt free after declaring my decision. He very rarely cries but he did. I told him that I still loved/cared for him and thought he was a wonderful father and that I wanted him to remain active in our child's life and to be a good role model. I was worried he may resort to drinking again. He said he couldn't promise that he wouldn't resort to his old ways. This worried me greatly. I didn't want that for him or for my child. Something in him switched and the very next day he was cleaning the house, cooking, etc. It was obvious he was trying to win me over. I appreciated it, but in my mind it didn't change everything I felt, or the lack thereof. This continued for a couple weeks. We awkwardly avoided the divorce conversation but it became an unspoken decision that I wouldn't pursue divorce any longer, although I can't say that anything really changed in me.

He took missionary discussions that summer (two years ago) and got baptized. This was great, of course, but I still longed for the LDS-lifestyle with my husband that I truly wanted since I was a youth. I thought about the missionaries (who were my age) and how spiritually mature they were and how much it appealed to me in a man. I had big doubts about whether my husband could/would ever get there. He had to work many Sundays so he was just partially active with attendance. However he'd quit coffee, hadn't had alcohol even for awhile before missionary discussions, and tried to read the scriptures. The scripture reading and daily praying didn't last long, which didn't surprise me. His consistency isn't the best. This only made me more discouraged about having the marriage/family that I wanted and felt I really needed. Later that fall I started my first job since motherhood; it was full-time and I found a lot of fulfillment there.

For over a year everything at home stayed the same. We didn't really fight anymore. If we had a disagreement he often just backed down and diffused it right away but nothing was ever really resolved either. It was just an at-least-we're-not-fighting-anymore numbness. I continued to have a lack of romantic love for him but no heart or courage to say anything or to just end it. I didn't want to hurt him or our nearly 3 year old. We didn't tell each other we loved each other. We've continued to have sex (although not as often as when we were dating or as newlyweds) but I often hid that I really didn't want to do it. (He would never force me, but I didn't want to hurt his feelings with constant rejection.) He would kiss me on the cheek or forehead sometimes but I wouldn't kiss him. I didn't want to hold his hand, hug, or cuddle. I truly felt like he was just a close friend and actually felt awkward being physically intimate in any way with him. I interpreted this as not being in love with him anymore, if we ever truly were.

This last fall we got into an argument before I went to see a girlfriend of mine. It seemed to be okay by the time I left. I got back home and he took off to hang out with friends. He came home nearly at 3am and was very drunk. I was shocked and disgusted. I told him to sleep on the couch. It brought back so many terrible memories from the past and I immediately felt like I wanted this marriage to end and prayed to know what to do. Worried he'd lost all his cash or may damage his car/himself, I searched his pant pockets to hold onto his wallet and keys in case he tried to leave again. In one pocket I found a small 3-count box of condoms- but there were only two inside. It was as if this was an immediate answer to my prayer. I was devastated by the betrayal. Even through my feelings I had, I would never cheat. He was passed out so I texted him that it was over. I was so distraught that I called off work the next day- how long had he been doing this?

The next day he came to me and swore the condoms were from a moving box that was still in his truck (we'd just moved in with my grandma) and that he'd taken them out to bring inside. I honestly didn't know what to believe. He's a very loyal person, I thought, but I also thought back on a couple of fishy situations involving other women that happened before we got married and felt increasingly doubtful he was being truthful now. For a couple weeks I lived in total discomfort. I felt filthy sleeping next to him. I only really spoke with him when it came to childcare arrangements. He kept saying we needed to talk but I was too angry and upset.

Finally he cornered me in the living room and begged me to talk. He wanted to know what was going to happen from here. He'd already made an appointment with a lawyer for himself. He said he was going to move out right away. I said this was a bad idea since we were tight on money and that he should stay in the spare room while we figure things out. He just wanted to leave, feeling weird that we'd be separated and still living together at my grandma's house. He then brought up our child. He was afraid I'd take our nearly 3 year old away from him. I assured him I would never do that, not having had a close relationship with my own biological father due to distance. I shared my concerns about our child being in an less-than-ideal environment if my husband became inactive in church, took up drinking again, had women over, etc. He made it seem as though that was "just too bad" because divorce was what I wanted. By the end of the talk, he begged me for another chance. I explained what I'd said before: I don't want to wait indefinitely for happiness. It was clear to me that we were not even in love with each other anymore. He said that we could fix it and that if it wasn't better by the end of the year we could get divorced if I wanted to. I told him I didn't want to try anymore but if he really felt this strongly about maybe changing my mind about this marriage, I'd let him try. 

It's now been 9 months since then. My grandma passed away two months ago and that took a big toll on me, and still does. We attend the ward I was born into and the ward my grandma had been in for nearly 50 years. That part feels right. I've been promoted at work and things are going great there.

In the marriage we're back to where we were nearly two years ago. Comfortable and not really fighting, but still I have a lack of romantic feelings. I'm not "miserable" or necessarily "unhappy" because other big things in my life are going fine, but my marriage doesn't bring me happiness. I still don't hold his hand, hug or cuddle with him. I still don't kiss him. I still don't really want to have sex with him, although I do in order to spare his feelings. Physical intimacy in any form feels so awkward, probably because I feel we aren't in love or are even heading down that path. I don't see an eternal companion with my husband. He attends church as often as possible but again I don't see the priesthood leader that I want and need in a husband. He's been a member for two years and it seems he still doesn't have a strong testimony or a strong grasp of the gospel. Spiritual maturity is just not there.

I'm only 23 now but I feel time is escaping me so quickly. He is a great man and has truly made great changes but I can't help but feel he is just not the one for me. I feel like we've just crammed a square into a circle but that it will eventually pop out, and I don't want to wait until this happens in order to move on. We haven't been sealed yet, either, and I'm definitely not pushing for it while being so unsure of this marriage. I think of how life would continue after a divorce: when I remarry, will my "ex" allow our child to be sealed to me and my new spouse? Will my "ex" even stay active in the church? Will my child become inactive if my "ex" does and doesn't have support & encouragement from both parents? Will we still attend the same sacrament meetings together for awhile? I'm so overwhelmed by this and want a clear answer. I have prayed many times about it over the last 3 years but don't feel I've ever received a clear answer, or maybe I'm just not in tune with the spirit the way I need to be.

I'm consumed with guilt over my feelings and haven't told my husband or anyone else. I'm at a loss and just don't know what to do. I will continue to pray about it but I've never been great at finding answers to my prayers and am not really sure how to do so. I'm willing to wait til the end of the year to have a sure answer, but until then, this is so hard on me and I'm really not sure what to do. Any constructive advice or related experiences are welcome.

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- You need to stop focusing on what he/the marriage is not and start focusing on what good there is in him and the marriage. As long as you look for the bad, you'll find it.

- If you haven't read "The 5 Love Languages" get to the library and read it asap and start putting what you learn into practice.

- You didn't say anything about date nights. Make those happen and start remembering why you dated in the first place.

- Divorcing and getting remarried is no guarantee you'll have the 'spiritually mature' spouse or the marriage you dream about in your head. 

- Happiness is a choice.

That's what I've got for now but will pop back in if something else comes to mind. I'm sorry this has been your experience but am glad you're holding onto the Gospel. Welcome to the forum.

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@jmom I am so sorry to hear of your pain. You have really been through it! Have you tried to fast? Perhaps a trip to the temple, just a walk on the grounds might help. Can you try to make a partnership with God? You can tell him your troubles. I know it is hard when the heavens are silent! Praying for you! Why not put your name on the prayer list at the temple? If you google your local temple, you may find an email. Good luck!

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@jmom

So sorry for this.  

My sister is in process of divorcing after nearly 15 years and 6 kids.  It's been rough, complicated, and messy - and that's my outside perspective.  Much, much worse for her.  Divorce creates a lot of problems.  A *lot*.  In her case, they are better (most of the time).

One thing that helped her was to create a environment that was workable, for her, long term.  i'm not sure what that looks like for you.  For her, that meant a lot of changes.  The worst elements that she had control over were eliminated, after careful identification.  And then, how to respond was his decision.

Definitely, where to draw the line, what that line looks like, and how much that line should be adjusted based on circumstances is something i can't advise you on.  i hope you have people familiar enough with the situation, on both sides, you can talk to.

Anyways, i guess what i am trying to say is that slowly taking dysfunction off of life support is usually a really good thing.  Perpetually sustaining dysfunction does neither you, nor your husband, any favors.  

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@Manners Matter We went over the love languages in counseling. Just like everything else, it worked for like two weeks then we were back to square one. I've done all the counseling tricks of being positive and not comparing and whatnot but I am convinced we rushed into this marriage. I know nothing is guaranteed but at least now that I'm older and active again, I'll know what to look for as far as the active, spiritually mature LDS member. I literally do not feel romantic love towards my husband and it sucks. :( Thank you for your advice

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@lostinwater "Perpetually sustaining dysfunction does neither you, nor your husband, any favors." This is exactly what I feel, put into words. I feel like we could be level headed and cooperative in a divorce- neither of us are greedy/superficial and he would do anything to support our child. But the custody part could be difficult. We would never try to keep our child away from the other but having to compromise and only have our baby half of the month would hurt so bad for both of us. And our kid. 😕 

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10 minutes ago, jmom said:

@Sunday21 Thanks for the suggestions. Our temple is actually closed for renovations and the closest one is 3 hours away. :( But I will definitely try to fast more.

How about just a stroll on the grounds? Sometimes, the Lord speaks more clearly on the grounds of the temple.

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2 hours ago, jmom said:

@lostinwater "Perpetually sustaining dysfunction does neither you, nor your husband, any favors." This is exactly what I feel, put into words. I feel like we could be level headed and cooperative in a divorce- neither of us are greedy/superficial and he would do anything to support our child. But the custody part could be difficult. We would never try to keep our child away from the other but having to compromise and only have our baby half of the month would hurt so bad for both of us. And our kid. 😕 

Thanks.  i know i need to be really careful here.  What i meant is that, at least in my sister's case, there were elements within her marriage that were dysfunctional.  And she was keeping those dysfunctional elements on life support, at her expense.  i think one realization she came to was that she had to live within the marriage in a way that was sustainable in the long term for her.  Lots of give and take in the short term.  But simply ensure she exercised a reasonable set of rights, and then, let him make his decision.  i've seen the other person make really big changes, or walk away.  Anyways, sorry if you already took that meaning.  But i just want to try and be really clear.  Divorce is terrible.  It's terrible even when it's needed.  

And to your point, with kids, there's almost always going to be perpetual involvement of the ex-spouse.  Even if you divorce them, they are still a huge part of your children's lives - and thus, of your life also.  

Anyways, i hope things work out for you.  You sound like a wonderful person who deserves all the happiness out there.

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1 hour ago, jmom said:

Thank you to all of you, I definitely have a lot to think about.

Throughout my life, I have received tremendous help from prayer, fasting and going to the temple.  Don't underestimate the power of these tools as you weigh this important decision.  

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Love is tough.  Love is truly a choice.  It is something we have to learn to do unconditionally and that is not easy.

The love language thing only works if you have your heart in it.  By the sounds of it, you have your foot and leg out the door already.  I can't say if this is a good thing or a bad thing in your situation.

What I do know is that true romantic love takes time.  When you first meet someone, it is easy to be romantic.  There is a feeling of newness and wonder.  

Consider this analogy.  Consider the love you have with your husband as a plant.  When you first meet, you plant the seed and shortly after you see the seed sprout.  You are full of excitement and wonderment at the sight of this new growth.  Without thinking you take care of it.  You want to see it grow.  It makes you happy.  Everyday you see something new.  It keeps you coming back for more....  until one day it doesn't.  

You no longer see the growth.  You no longer see the newness.  You start neglecting it.  You don't give it the water and nourishment it needs.  You don't do this because you do feel it is giving to you what you want out of it.  Soon this plant begins with wither away.  You look at this plant and despise it because it is withering.  So you neglect it more because now it just reminds you of things you don't like.  Eventually it will die, if you continue on that way.

But plants that are withering can be revived.  It takes patience and desire.  Two weeks of love language is not enough.  It is like giving the plant water for a day in hopes that it will all be better.  You and I both know that is not how it works.  Your plant has suffered a lot and will take time to shed the dead parts and regrow into something beautiful.

Have you ever been to a home that have beautiful gardens and plants all around and you think to yourself, I wish I could have something this beautiful?  That house didn't get that way over night.  The owner spent a lot of time developing it.

Your little plant is certainly salvageable.  If you want the romance and love, you are going to have to put yourself in there a hundred percent.  You may not see results for months.  Sometimes it takes that long for the healing process to work.  My wife and I went through a number of years of practical lovelessness.  It sucked.  I wanted romance.  I wanted friendship. I waited for her to give it to me.  I put it all on her.  I decided one day that enough was enough.  After learning about an emotional affair she had with someone, I decided I was going to change.  I would be the best me I could possibly be.  I would on a daily basis find sincerely nice things to say to my wife.  Find things to do for her...  No questions asked.  Nothing in return requested.  just serve her.  Three months passed and hardly anything.  But gradually she started coming around.  

We started holding hands again.  Started kissing again.  Started holding each other in our arms.  I would go to give her a hug and she would give me a 2-3 sec hug and was pretty cold.  Like she was doing it out of obligation.  But I kept at it.  Made her gourmet meals, cleaned the house, did projects around the house she had been wanting to get done, etc.  Tried to pay her real compliments every day.

Where am I now.  My plant is growing again and blossoming.  It isn't new, but it is becoming more complex and beautiful. It is certainly nowhere near where I would like it to be, but I have tremendous hope now.  Whereas 6 months ago, my heart hurt and I wanted out.  This morning we hugged each other in bed for around two minutes.  Then I gave her a bit of a massage and then hugged again for a few more minutes.  It makes me feel young and alive.  I want to water and nourish our plant.  I know that I might not see something new every day, but I have come to enjoy it everyday none the less.  This is coming from someone married for almost 25 years.

If you want this to happen, you have to pull your foot back in the door, turn around and make it happen.  Don't wait for him.  don't make this about him.  You can only change you.  If you wait for someone to change first, you will never get the change you want.

Either be in it or be out. Half way in between sucks for everyone.

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9 hours ago, jmom said:

Thank you to all of you, I definitely have a lot to think about.

Add this to your thinking...

Think for a moment that you are Filipino living in the Philippines where divorce is illegal.  Now, think what choices you need to do starting right now to make the rest of your child's life and your life the best it can possibly be, getting your family closer to Christ, with the choices you have already made for the past decade.

Then go ahead and do it.

Edited by anatess2

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Dear @jmom I once as an undergrad researched marital satisfaction across the lifespan. Very sobering! Few people are satisfied with their marriages after about 5 years. For men, they become more satisfied with their marriages after retiement. Women have a slight increase in satisfaction after retirement. Neither men nor women regain the euphoria of the first five years.

Edited by Sunday21

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@Lost Boy thank you for the great insight. Good perspective!! I know I don't have myself fully in this right now and feel bad about that. I guess it's hard for me because I did try hard in the beginning, for a year straight. It was pure hell and that misery continued for two more years for us. It's almost like I have a relationship-PTSD or something now. As soon as an issue arises between us that is similar to something really bad from the past, I totally shut down. It's like I just literally cannot handle it, just thinking about even possibly going back to how terrible it used to be. We did so, so much damage to each other. I don't ever want to feel that miserable and lonely again so I just instinctively separate myself completely from him to avoid it. I don't know if that makes any sense.

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2 minutes ago, jmom said:

@Lost Boy thank you for the great insight. Good perspective!! I know I don't have myself fully in this right now and feel bad about that. I guess it's hard for me because I did try hard in the beginning, for a year straight. It was pure hell and that misery continued for two more years for us. It's almost like I have a relationship-PTSD or something now. As soon as an issue arises between us that is similar to something really bad from the past, I totally shut down. It's like I just literally cannot handle it, just thinking about even possibly going back to how terrible it used to be. We did so, so much damage to each other. I don't ever want to feel that miserable and lonely again so I just instinctively separate myself completely from him to avoid it. I don't know if that makes any sense.

Yeah, I can certainly see where you are coming from.  I suppose it would depend a bit in where you and him are in your relationship.  My wife and I were at a point where we didn't hate each other, but we certainly weren't "lovers" either.  More of a point of mutual neglect.

If he is willing to work on things, then you are sitting in a decent position.

As for your first year of putting your all into it....  I don't know how you put your all into it, but consider this.  If you want to build a house and you put your all into it....  but you don't know what you're doing or have any skill in home building, would your giving it your all be effective?  It very much takes time to learn relationship skills.  After 25 years of marriage, I am still figuring things out. 

Learning to truly communicate without being angry is one of the tough ones.  Maybe you want to go on a date on Friday and he tells you no.  It makes you mad..  But do you no why he said no?  Is he tired?  Why is he tired?  What can you do to help?  One thing that really brings out the worst in people is accusing them of stuff.  "You always... blah blah blah" Or "Why don't you ever...."    These put people in a defensive position and leads directly into arguments.  Find ways to keep the conversations positive.  This takes practice.  But having a collaborative spirit instead of an opposing spirit is sooo much better.  

If you know he is trying and you know that you are trying, you can definitely grow your love again.  Learn the skills to deal with issues in a positive way.  

I wish you the best.  I wish I could promise you that everything will be better, but life isn't that easy.  Keep the Lord in your thoughts and prayers.

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I read your entire post and this is what I saw. You married a man because you were having sex with him and your family was leaving the area (I am assuming you wanted to stay put for some reason) So for the fact that he eventually got baptized, you know what that means?  He was forgiven for all the madness he and you both put each other through. The Lord forgave him but since you brought it all up again ... well. He gave up all his favorite vices for The Lord, himself and YOU. To repay him you don't kiss him, you refuse to hold his hand when he reaches for yours, when you make love you only do so out of some feeling of obligation. He talks crap but apologizes to your face. You toss his dirty laundry onto the internet...

I feel so bad for him... as a convert this must be a nightmare for him. He gave up his life at 24 to marry the woman he was sleeping with. He felt it was his duty most likely and took on his responsibility like a man. So far he has never cheated on you, except for the 3 pack condom. Which at this point we don't even know what happened to the third. Maybe it didn't even involve anyone else but himself because, you know, his wife doesn't love him anymore.

I legit feel so bad for both of you. You because you married him because of guilt and wanting to stay in town and for him because his wife no longer loves him.

 

......

 

I can't write anymore right now. This post actually hurt my soul. 

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I would say the only question to ask yourself is 'What is best for my child?'  This sounds harsh, but your personal happiness is secondary to your child's welfare.  If he is a good father, let you children have the blessing of a good father and mother who are still married to each other.  Work the rest out away from their sight.  The power of the atonement is real and changes hearts.  You can have a happy marriage.  Focus on the goodness of his heart, not on some checklist of behaviors you want.

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@Overwatch You've missed a lot and have assumed a lot. I did love him when we got married, but the marriage was undoubtedly rushed. Please, don't get it twisted. Note: I wanted to stay in town to be with him. I was accepted to a great university where my parents were moving (also where I grew up and longed to be) but I gave that up for him. Also, this is totally anonymous, so even though I'm sharing intimate details, we will not be identified. I have nobody I can share this with, so yes, with this being my place to vent and get advice, I'm providing details that will hopefully help better paint a picture of my situation to those who may have somewhat similar experiences of falling out of love. I feel bad for the feelings that I wish I did not have, but I'm absolutely not a bad person and will not allow you to make me feel like I'm nothing more than an ungrateful jerk who trapped a perfect man. That couldn't be further from the truth. Please learn to empathize and know that you don't totally understand what people have gone through that have led to where they currently are. Your post was not at all constructive.

Edited by jmom

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@Latter-Day Marriage I've thought about that as well and am still torn. Is it better for him to be in a home with a superficially happy picture of United biological parents while his mom is secretly halfway depressed and void of romantic feelings for his father every day? Or better for him to live between the two of us while we're both happy with new partners whom share goals, values, spirituality, chemistry, and attraction? I don't know. Leaving is much harder said than done, of course, but I also had a very positive experience with having stepparents as a child.

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6 hours ago, jmom said:

@Latter-Day Marriage I've thought about that as well and am still torn. Is it better for him to be in a home with a superficially happy picture of United biological parents while his mom is secretly halfway depressed and void of romantic feelings for his father every day? Or better for him to live between the two of us while we're both happy with new partners whom share goals, values, spirituality, chemistry, and attraction? I don't know. Leaving is much harder said than done, of course, but I also had a very positive experience with having stepparents as a child.

~ You need to resolve the depression before even making a decision let alone acting on it. Being depressed can definitely make you think you don't love anyone or anything.

~ Again, you assume the grass is greener and that you'll both be "happy with new partners....". It's great that you had a positive exp with stepparents but that's not always the case.

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8 hours ago, jmom said:

@Overwatch You've missed a lot and have assumed a lot. I did love him when we got married, but the marriage was undoubtedly rushed. Please, don't get it twisted. Note: I wanted to stay in town to be with him. I was accepted to a great university where my parents were moving (also where I grew up and longed to be) but I gave that up for him. Also, this is totally anonymous, so even though I'm sharing intimate details, we will not be identified. I have nobody I can share this with, so yes, with this being my place to vent and get advice, I'm providing details that will hopefully help better paint a picture of my situation to those who may have somewhat similar experiences of falling out of love. I feel bad for the feelings that I wish I did not have, but I'm absolutely not a bad person and will not allow you to make me feel like I'm nothing more than an ungrateful jerk who trapped a perfect man. That couldn't be further from the truth. Please learn to empathize and know that you don't totally understand what people have gone through that have led to where they currently are. Your post was not at all constructive.

I gave your picture back to you the way I saw it. You brought up things he did before baptism when the atonement satisfied those wrongs. If you are asking for advice on how to fix your marriage then I can see you doing this. It seemed to me you wanted an audience to justify your seemingly emotional neglect to your lawful husband. You said he has never hit you but that he isn't the LDS man you thought he would be. It takes time JMom. Marriage isn't easy, even if you found the perfect LDS man. 

 

On 7/16/2018 at 1:25 PM, jmom said:

He took missionary discussions that summer (two years ago) and got baptized. This was great, of course, but I still longed for the LDS-lifestyle with my husband that I truly wanted since I was a youth. I thought about the missionaries (who were my age) and how spiritually mature they were and how much it appealed to me in a man. I had big doubts about whether my husband could/would ever get there. He had to work many Sundays so he was just partially active with attendance. However he'd quit coffee, hadn't had alcohol even for awhile before missionary discussions, and tried to read the scriptures. The scripture reading and daily praying didn't last long, which didn't surprise me

If you really wanted that since your youth why were you having sex and with a non member????  (Don't answer that, just ponder it please

Also of course the missionaries are going to be more spiritually mature. That is part of their job to be spiritual!

On 7/16/2018 at 1:25 PM, jmom said:

I knew what I wanted but didn't feel "justified" since there hadn't been physical abuse, abandonment, or known affairs. I had love for my husband but would feel awful

No one can make you stay with someone. If he is truly that bad or you are that unhappy then let him live his life. At the moment your concern is your child. You'll most likely see if you wait your entire life being unhappy with your husband that your child knew the whole time. They most likely will tell you when they are grown you should have divorced and been happy instead of carrying a feeling of misery and discontent. 

On 7/16/2018 at 1:25 PM, jmom said:

I was honest and said I was unhappy and felt hopeless. I didn't want to wait years on end to feel happiness from the marriage, or possibly never reach that point throughout my life in the marriage.

I really don't get this statement. You can only be happy if he is reading his scriptures everyday and attending all of his meetings and such?  My wife went to church, read her scriptures and was overall happy. She asked me to do things but at the end of the day she let me use my agency and eventually I saw her wisdom and followed suit. It took Years!

again

You don't even need a reason to divorce your husband. If you are unhappy then why string him along?  Your child will understand, when they grow, you were completely miserable and eventually only loved their father as a friend. 

 

You have every right to post your private life on the internet and with that you will receive comments on both sides of the aisle.

My advice?

You used your agency and ended up in a tight spot in life. Push forward, do the things you need to be doing. Meet with your leaders, continue going to therapy. God will help you and your husband will either improve or worst case just fall out of your life completely on his own. Be the example, you knew how he was when you used your agency to become one with him. You vowed to love him in sickness and health. He is struggling with his spiritual fitness, continue being patient with him

Edited by Overwatch

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