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Coco Risu

How atonement can help betrayed /In-House Separation?

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I found my husband’s emotional affairs 20 months ago. Never thought he was capable of doing such a thing. Since he was too ashamed to admit some truth and/or he erased the memories because of the ashamed and regrets, I didn’t get the full pictures at the beginning. I’m very analytical person so I needed to have full disclosures in order to accept what had happened, who he was those one year with two girls in separate duration, to move on. But he couldn’t give me that, the most important steps to trust.

Even it’s been 20 months since I discovered, I found some more lies and I’m so exhausted trying to get out of this nightmares and sadness.

i have been searching how the atonement of our savior can help me heal my pain but none can help me so far. It’s not the matter of forgiving my unfaithful mate. It’s me healing that I am struggling with because I’m so sad.

I found another lie, he totally denied, last week. I can’t keep doing this anymore. He is away from home for his work and I told him it was over this time. He has been trying hard to mend our relationship but when these lies surface, I go back to 20 months ago and make me think that everything he says and does are not true because I don’t know him anymore. 

Bishop knows and we are meeting with him periodically. His affairs are still not in public including our 22 years old daughter. I’ve been trying hard to stay with him to protect her from going through the same nightmare as I am going through because she has anxiety issue.

Help me understand how the atonement can help people who got betrayed. And if you have any thoughts on in-house separation.

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Emotional affairs suck.  My wife had one that lasted a year and a half.  I didn't find out until a year after it was over.  And even though we were at a very low spot in our marriage, my heart was crushed.  My desire for living was pretty much gone.  Didn't care to eat, sleep, work.  

Mine has a bit of a different twist that has been difficult for me to deal with.  My wife believes this other guy to be her twin flame.  And if you don't know what that is, google it.  It is not good for me.  However, when I found out about it, she said that she intends on staying with me.  But there is this other guy in her life that she has this connection to and may have this connection to him for the rest of our lives.

So I guess my question is.   Is the affair over?  You say he is trying hard to repair the relationship.  My wife did nothing to try and repair our relationship.  She had completely given up on me and had it in her mind that we could be married friends and that is about it.  So I had a wife who had an emotional affair, didn't really care to fix our relationship and life sucked.  I cried on many occasions.  But I prayed and prayed and the answer kept coming back to me to forgive her and to love her.  But why?  she wasn't seeking forgiveness..  But I felt an overwhelming desire to change things in my life and do as I was inspired to do.

At the time, I definitely was not loving my wife.  I set out to do a few things.  I decided that I would have 7 things that I would do to improve me and show love to my wife. Mind you I did this without telling her about any of this.  I would find some way to serve her every day.  Something more than I had in the past.  I worked hard on all of the things she wanted updated in the house, I paid her a sincere compliment every day.  I really started to try and get into shape.

Another thing I did was change my attitude toward fighting.  I took a serious look at anger and what a detriment it is to us.  It is such a useless emotion.  Nothing good comes from it.  I can't say I don't get angry, but what what I do is very different.  I am quick to control it.  Instead of fighting, I stop, take a big step back and figure out from a neutral perspective if I am really justified.  And whether I am or not, it has allowed us to have good conversations about the issues.

You had mentioned that you need full disclosure.  I am with you on that.  Most of my wife's affair was online chat. 15K messages to be more precise. She and I know each others passwords.  And yes, I got into her accounts and read everything.  I had trust issues and so I continued to read.  I would read her current conversations with her friends.  Of course I did this without her knowing and she eventually caught me.  That led to a good long discussion about trust.  

Here is the thing.  There is nothing that she can do to earn back the trust.  An affair is too big of a deal.  The only way to get the trust back is for the married partner to give that trust back.  They don't deserve it, but something told me that that was the only way to truly fixing this.  So I decided that whether she deserved it or not, that I would just blindly trust her.  I stopped reading her stuff and stopped trying to find out where she was going (in her mind).  Did she lie to me after I found out?  Yes, on numerous occasions.

So I kept doing my plan.  Trying to find ways to actively love her.  It was hard.  my heart just hurt every day.  She didn't respond to my gestures, but I continued doing them anyway.  I figured that it could take a very long time.  After about 4 months, she began to change.  Some of her old self started to reemerge.  Herself from when we were in love with each other.  

It has been 8 months now since I found out.  Are things perfect between us?  Absolutely not, but they are so much better than they had been.  I feel almost like a renewed person/couple.  I continue to work my plan and I don't think I'll ever stop.  Love is not just a feeling.  It is a choice and it is an action.  Love is a choice we should make every day.  Wake up and make the choice to love your spouse.  Don't ask yourself if he is doing enough.  You don't know his mind.  You can't change him.  The only person you can control and change is yourself.  Ask yourself if you are loving him as much as you can?  Don't ask if you should.  He is a son of God.  God still loves him.

My heart changed through my struggles.  The hurt went away. Forgiveness wasn't something that I just did and was done.  It was something that took a long time.  It included restoring my trust in her.  It included me stopping my desire to know all (that was not easy).  It took me actively working on my love for her even when I hurt more than I can describe.

The only way to heal is to truly give him your love.  You have to be all in or it isn't going to mend.  God doesn't withhold his love for you and we both know that we are not perfect.  Being all in is not easy and it doesn't make sense.  But there is nothing.   absolutely nothing he can do to make up for what he did.  Only you can forgive him..  This means to love him and trust him.  If you take this path, you won't regret it.  It is a hard path, but it is the only path that leads to healing.

I am finally back to the point where my wife turns to me in bed and wraps her arms around me and hold me tight.  My heart is finally at peace and I am happy.  I didn't think I would be happy for a very long time.  I know our Father in Heaven has blessed me with this.  I am at peace with the whole twin flame thing as well.  She rarely thinks of him now and it is me that she really wants to be with.

I know you can fix this. If he is trying like you said, as much as you are inclined to hold back, don't.  Give him all of your love.  Make him know that you love him, that you trust him.  Make him know that you want him.  This is what will mend your heart.  There is nothing he can do to mend it for you.  Only you can do it and only by giving your all will it be fixed.

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Hi Coco Risu, so sorry you are going through this.

Because of the atonement, it is possible for you and your husband to move from where you are now to a place where you have a full reconciliation of your relationship with each other where things are as good as they ever were, or even better.  That can only happen however where there is full repentance on his part and full forgiveness on your part.

Even if he doesn't repent however, you can sill fully forgive him and receive the blessings of the atonement from that.  Forgiving him doesn't mean you give him a pass, it doesn't mean you'll never struggle with  hurt feelings,  and it doesn't even mean you have to stay with him.  It means you let go of any anger or vindictiveness toward him over it.  You feel sadness over his fall from grace rather than spite.  That will let you be happier, and it gives him an environment where it is easier for him to repent.

I think you both might benefit from a series of posts on my blog, here is part 1
http://latterday-marriage.blogspot.com/2017/09/healing-wounds-part-1-where-to-start.html

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Hi Coco,

Just let go of the hurt feelings. Go back to the gym, get a job that pays well. Get all of your finances in order and say goodbye. If you want to stay and suffer with him until he changes (if ever) then do so. At this point do what the spirit tells you to. One of my cousins was cheated on after already having 5-6 kids (don't remember at the moment) she filed for divorce, went to school and now is a well paid nurse. She is also STILL active in the church.

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Thank you all for responding to my post. I just saw your replies now the first time because I didn’t know how this forum works (I thought I would get notices by email or something).

My issue turned out the worst nightmare. I found out that he never ended his relationship. He kept sending her texts, videos, and gifts during this whole time I was living in a misery.

He gave me a full access to his devices at the beginning of the discovery. While he was in business trip (shortly after I posted here in August) I found more lies and secrets in his external drive. I called him in Germany and called him a liar. He denied all of it and gave me pathetic excuses as always. I told him I didn’t believe any of it anymore and asked him to tell me the truth. He said he needs time and I agreed. He didn’t contacted me for two weeks. I felt like I was at a teial waiting for my sentencing for a crime I didn’t even commit. I was alone at home barley functioning. Also during these two weeks of silence, I found out from her Instagram that he sent her another gifts in July. Not only he didn’t end it back then but he was STILL having a relationship with her? I ended up calling our bishop and our daughter because I had nobody to cry to and his behavior was bad enough and I couldn’t go on anymore. I was so worried that he would harm himself as well. Finally he replied saying he need a professional help. 

When he came home at the end of August, I told him that I would be here for him to get better and not worry about my healing. He asked me not to ask him anything for a while because he still needed a space. Several days later, I had enough of him pretending like nothing happened because I was still waiting for that sentencing (the truth) from a month ago AND I wanted to ask him about the gifts he might have sent to her. Of course he made excuses and finally said “This needs to end. She (affair partner) needs to stop. Why can’t you believe me? We should call her.” I said yes please. Of course he changed his mind. But I texted her.

To make a long story short, I connected with the girl and she shared everything, messages, pictures, videos, and answered everything I asked. She didn’t know he was married until she got my text. He actually slept with her too (He still denies this one).

Whole time I was trying to overcome my sadness and be compassionate with his mistakes, he kept his double life because of his inadequacy and insecurity. 

I let him focus on his healing again. He had a disciplinary council, he has a therapist, and is taking anti-depressants. Thought he was on the right path. Out of the blue, I was prompted to text the other girl whom I never talked to and I found out he texted her beginning of October. My goodness....  Even I’ve been asking for a divorce and planning to move out, he still wants to reconcile because he loves me and sees hope. He knows this is an addiction. But I’m loosing my mind and energy. I lost love and trust long time ago. 

He created different accounts, email addresses, and even phone numbers. Transparency? Technology these days are wrong. Apps for hiding texts? Apps for creating decoy icons? Having different phone numbers on one phone?

I know now that I am a vessel for our Heavenly Father to wake him up. But I’m worried about my mental and spiritual health. I’m so exhausted praying for strength and peace, patience and compassion, and loving His son. What am I to him? I need to keep loving him risking my heart, joy, and happiness? I have a job that I can manage to live by myself. We are doing in house separation and wants to move out soon but I’m scared...

Seeking quotes and talks. I’ve listened so many talks already. But if you have anything for me, please share with me.

Edited by Coco Risu

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On 8/19/2018 at 11:06 PM, Latter-Day Marriage said:

Hi Coco Risu, so sorry you are going through this.

Because of the atonement, it is possible for you and your husband to move from where you are now to a place where you have a full reconciliation of your relationship with each other where things are as good as they ever were, or even better.  That can only happen however where there is full repentance on his part and full forgiveness on your part.

Even if he doesn't repent however, you can sill fully forgive him and receive the blessings of the atonement from that.  Forgiving him doesn't mean you give him a pass, it doesn't mean you'll never struggle with  hurt feelings,  and it doesn't even mean you have to stay with him.  It means you let go of any anger or vindictiveness toward him over it.  You feel sadness over his fall from grace rather than spite.  That will let you be happier, and it gives him an environment where it is easier for him to repent.

I think you both might benefit from a series of posts on my blog, here is part 1
http://latterday-marriage.blogspot.com/2017/09/healing-wounds-part-1-where-to-start.html

LDM,

Could you give a definition of an "emotional affair".  I'm not sure what it is exactly.  I've only heard the term in the past couple of years.  And I still don't know what it is.

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11 hours ago, Carborendum said:

LDM,

Could you give a definition of an "emotional affair".  I'm not sure what it is exactly.  I've only heard the term in the past couple of years.  And I still don't know what it is.

An emotional affair is basically putting emotional energy towards someone other than your spouse.  For me it was my wife spending hours texting or talking on the phone or going out to dinner with the guy. 

As far as I know the most they ever did physically was hug, but that doesn't help much. 

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12 minutes ago, Lost Boy said:

An emotional affair is basically putting emotional energy towards someone other than your spouse.  For me it was my wife spending hours texting or talking on the phone or going out to dinner with the guy. 

As far as I know the most they ever did physically was hug, but that doesn't help much. 

So, from how I understand the way this is stated... your wife is barred from “Loving her neighbor as herself” (requires emotional investment) unless her neighbor is female. 

I don’t think that’s what you mean, so it would be great if you can clarify.

 

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7 hours ago, anatess2 said:

So, from how I understand the way this is stated... your wife is barred from “Loving her neighbor as herself” (requires emotional investment) unless her neighbor is female. 

I don’t think that’s what you mean, so it would be great if you can clarify.

 

It is an relationship where one chooses to spend time with someone else over a spouse. Where they share a deep closeness. Share secrets and generally hide the relationship from their spouse. Often in these relationships one will complain about or bad mouth their spouse to this friend. 

And no, I don't bar my wife for being friends with anyone. But if she were to have another emotional affair, I probably would divorce her. Since the last one she talks very little to other guys. She says it is not worth the risk of falling in love love with them. 

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46 minutes ago, Lost Boy said:

It is an relationship where one chooses to spend time with someone else over a spouse. Where they share a deep closeness. Share secrets and generally hide the relationship from their spouse. Often in these relationships one will complain about or bad mouth their spouse to this friend. 

And no, I don't bar my wife for being friends with anyone. But if she were to have another emotional affair, I probably would divorce her. Since the last one she talks very little to other guys. She says it is not worth the risk of falling in love love with them. 

Methinks your wife doesn't know what LOVE means.  Too much romance novels maybe.

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Just now, anatess2 said:

Methinks your wife doesn't know what LOVE means.  Too much romance novels maybe.

Methinks you know essentially nothing about my wife and commenting on her like this is rather low. 

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5 hours ago, Lost Boy said:

Methinks you know essentially nothing about my wife and commenting on her like this is rather low. 

I only know what you tell us.  And saying, "But if she were to have another emotional affair, I probably would divorce her. Since the last one she talks very little to other guys. She says it is not worth the risk of falling in love love with them." shows she doesn't know what love means... or you're portraying her as somebody who doesn't know what love means.

Edited by anatess2

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On 11/13/2018 at 10:34 AM, Carborendum said:

LDM,

Could you give a definition of an "emotional affair".  I'm not sure what it is exactly.  I've only heard the term in the past couple of years.  And I still don't know what it is.

I'd define it as a couple having intense romantic and sexual feelings for each other when at least one of them is married to another person.  Emotional intimacy but no physical intimacy (although that often happens soon enough).  A person in such a relationship usually finds themselves in 'the fog' where they can't really recall what drew them to their spouse and think they made a mistake marrying them.  They often come to think of the other person in the emotional affair as their true soul mate.

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