Adult Adoptee-dealing with bio fam

[lokimaq00]

I was adopted at one month through LDS Social Services and raised in the church. I always knew I was adopted and as I grew up, I found myself curious. When I was in my mid-20s, I filled out the state registry to get matched with my bio fam. I did not, but my sister did. I watched her go through meeting her bio fam and I quickly realized I was glad I had never been matched with my own. My family is my family. I am wholly blessed that the Lord saw fit to place me with them and to be sealed to them. About 3-4 years ago, I took the Ancestry DNA test and stumbled across my maternal grandfather. It caught me completely off guard and while I admit, I messaged him and asked questions and confirmed who he was, he took the rest of out my hands by giving his daughter, my bio mom, my email address. She contacted me right away. It was a very short back and forth in email and I admit I was not prepared for interaction. All I really wanted to know was if I was a product of rape and if I had siblings. It was awkward and ultimately, I just thanked her for what she did and told her I was happy and said I didn't want to talk further. It's been about 3 years and I haven't regretted cutting off contact. The family I was sealed to is my family. In all consideration, that's the family I will be with in eternity - we're sealed. They ARE my family. My bio mom gave me life, but I do not feel any familial ties. I've considered more than once writing to apologize for handling it poorly and giving her my gratitude again, but I don't want to open communication. I have received a couple of odd e-cards on my birthday since and she sent one message a year or so ago saying that her oldest son, who knows about me, was considering emailing me and I said that was fine. 

Then, out of the blue, yesterday, I received an email from my bio mom in a snarky tone (her communication style was a problem before) telling me that even if I didn't want to get to know her, I should get to know her parents, specifically my "grandfather." Before it's too late and all that. While I appreciate where she is coming from, I feel like she's only thinking about herself - which is how I felt during the first communication volley. Granted, I'm 36, I'm not a child, but she writes to me as if I'm a wayward teenager. She made the choice to put me up for adoption, which essentially severed all ties. Anything that happens now should be her caring about me, right? I feel like everything is about her wants and needs, not mine. Am I wrong in feeling this way? I am truly trying to be open to where she might be coming from, but I just feel like she doesn't actually care about me and I don't really want to reply to her. Thank you for any thoughts and guidance.

[Sunday21]

@lokimaq00 You have no obligation. I would go with your gut on this one!  

[Guest MormonGator]

I'm an adult adoptee as well. My relationship with my biological family has been less than pleasant. You are not wrong to feel this way and like @Sunday21 said, you are under no obligation to do anything they request. 

I found my biological family back in 2006 and I foolishly thought it would solve all my problems and provide inner peace. It didn't of course, though I'm happy I finally answered the question that had been troubling me for 26 years.  The more I contacted my biological family the more I realized that I have nothing in common with these people and that further relationships would be difficult if not impossible. You aren't alone. Many, many adoptees I've spoken to feel the same way. 

Edited August 15, 2018 by MormonGator

[Sunday21]

Bad reunion experiences for adoptees

https://www.theguardian.com/society/2004/aug/29/adoptionandfostering.adoption

[Guest MormonGator]

47 minutes ago, Sunday21 said:

Bad reunion experiences for adoptees

https://www.theguardian.com/society/2004/aug/29/adoptionandfostering.adoption

It's tough. I think all adoptees have a longing to know where they come from, and most think if they find their biological family it'll bring them happiness and peace. It does at least partially. 

I'm very blessed-my parents were 100% supportive of me and my sister finding our biological family. They wish it worked out better for me, but they're realistic and practical. 

My sister has a great relationship with her bio family. 

[anatess2]

Stick around through the interview portion.

 

Edited August 15, 2018 by anatess2

[NeuroTypical]

I don't have any experience with adoptee issues, but I do know a rockin' chibi Loki avatar when I see it.  I'm sure you'll make the right decision.

[Jane_Doe]

My aunt is adopted.  She's always known who her bio-family was/is but never had a good relationship with them.  It just is what it is.  If people want to get to know each other, they can, but you don't have to by any means.

[estradling75]

Welcome to the sight @lokimaq00

You sound conflicted (which is typical reaction to families adopted or otherwise)

On the one hand you say you are perfectly fine not knowing (Which is perfectly ok)... but then you contacted and had interactions with your bio-relations  (which is also perfectly ok but in conflict with what you stated before)

You blame your maternal grandpa for taking things out of your hands by giving your Bio-mom your email(again ok)...  But then you interact with her enough to start defining her typical behaviors (again ok but conflict)

You say you cut off contact (again ok)... but now you are stressing and talking to strangers about her latest email (again ok but conflict)

Seems to me that your actions are saying you want some kind of connection with your Bio-relations  (Which is again is perfectly understandable and acceptable)...  But your words are saying you want nothing to do with them (again perfectly understandable and acceptable)

 

Therefore it seems to me you need to figure out what you really and truly want.  And that is something no one here can tell you.  Once you truly figure that out then bring your words and actions into harmony with that.  If you truly desire no contact then block them and evict them from your thoughts and live your life.  If however you truly desire some contact.. then you need to accept that families (bio or otherwise) are package deals you can't just take the good stuff and leave the bad.

[lokimaq00]

Thank you all for your replies. It is a conflicting and difficult thing. It’s natural to want to know where I biologically come from and @estradling75 when the opportunity presented itself to ask questions, I did. I didn’t like how it all happened and I wasn’t entirely prepared to deal with it but I tried. I didn’t handle it well at all but I feel I am solid in where I stand.

I think this new email is just upsetting because it’s very presumptive of my bio mom to think that I would want to get to know her parents. If I don’t want to get to know her, why would I get to know them? I already have grandparents that mean the world to me. I just feel like she’s extremely selfish and putting her own wants above mine. That sounds very harsh to me but I’m glad I’m not the only one feeling this way. Many many thanks to you all.

[estradling75]

16 minutes ago, lokimaq00 said:

Thank you all for your replies. It is a conflicting and difficult thing. It’s natural to want to know where I biologically come from and @estradling75 when the opportunity presented itself to ask questions, I did. I didn’t like how it all happened and I wasn’t entirely prepared to deal with it but I tried. I didn’t handle it well at all but I feel I am solid in where I stand.

I think this new email is just upsetting because it’s very presumptive of my bio mom to think that I would want to get to know her parents. If I don’t want to get to know her, why would I get to know them? I already have grandparents that mean the world to me. I just feel like she’s extremely selfish and putting her own wants above mine. That sounds very harsh to me but I’m glad I’m not the only one feeling this way. Many many thanks to you all.

Perfect example of the conflict I am talking about...

You say you do not want anything to do with your bio-relations... but instead of blowing off your bio-moms email.. like you would a spam or any other unsolicited email.  You are focused on it.  Complaining that she doesn't really understand you. Thus allowing her to live rent free in your head and thoughts.   You need to make the choice to either evict her permanently...  Or accept that she is there flaws and all.  No one here can make that choice for you.

[Guest MormonGator]

17 minutes ago, estradling75 said:

Perfect example of the conflict I am talking about...

You say you do not want anything to do with your bio-relations... but instead of blowing off your bio-moms email.. like you would a spam or any other unsolicited email.  You are focused on it.  Complaining that she doesn't really understand you. Thus allowing her to live rent free in your head and thoughts.   You need to make the choice to either evict her permanently...  Or accept that she is there flaws and all.  No one here can make that choice for you.

Are you adopted? 

[Just_A_Guy]

I don’t know the circumstances underlying your case, @lokimaq00; but I work as a lawyer representing DCFS and one part of my job entails a) trying to persuade persistently dysfunctional parents (and their lawyers) to voluntarily give up their parental rights, and b) going to trial and asking courts to terminate the parental rights of unfit parents who couldn’t find it within themselves to give up their rights voluntarily.  Before this job, my last job was as a lawyer representing the parents themselves in those same kinds of cases.  What I am about to say isn’t an attempt to shame or guilt anyone; it’s just an attempt to share my experience and observations.

What I have found in almost every case is that those parents do love their children—acutely, powerfully so.  They are painfully aware of their own failures as parents—they may not be ready to admit it; but deep down, they know it; even though they are often very poor communicators and not particularly self-aware in other areas of their lives.  These aren’t people who “didn’t care” or “didn’t love their kids enough”; these are people who were physically and/or psychologically unable to meet the demands of parenthood.  They are ridden with guilt over having let down, not only the child; but the aunts and uncles and grandparents who by rights should have been part of the child’s extended family.  Usually, this is but the most recent in a long chain of disappointments and letdowns that their loved ones have suffered on their account.  

And without exception, they long for and dream of a day when they can get their lives together, meet the relinquished child in person at a time when the child is “old enough to understand”, explain why they did what they did, show how they’ve changed, and try to “make things right” in some ill-defined way.  I can take a parent through the colloquy of legal rights and obligations that they are giving up through a voluntary relinquishment; but I can’t stop them from thinking of the child as “theirs” for the rest of their lives. In my experience, nothing can.

Toxic people are toxic people; and I wouldn’t expect an adult adoptee to put up with obnoxious behavior indefinitely just because of what I’ve written above.  We all have to work out that fine balance between kindness and self-protection.  But I would also suggest, @lokimaq00, that in a warped way your bio mom actually may have (what she thinks are) other people’s best interests at heart.  Even if she’s not any more functional or emotionally competent now than she was when you were born; she may sincerely feel that her extended family has a lot to offer you; and she may feel like opening the lines of communication may heal some of the sense of loss that her own family went through when she decided to give you up.  If it were me (famous last words, I know!); I might not rule out at least meeting the bio grandparents a couple times.  You never know—you might like them.  And, hey—it’s more potential Christmas presents, amirite?  

Edited August 15, 2018 by Just_A_Guy

[estradling75]

1 hour ago, MormonGator said:

Are you adopted? 

Are you implying that only adopted people know what it is like to deal with toxic parents/family members?  Or have been hurt by such?  Because unless you are trying to make that point your question is not relevant

[Guest MormonGator]

1 minute ago, estradling75 said:

Are you implying that only adopted people know what it is like to deal with toxic parents/family members?  Or have been hurt by such?  Because unless you are trying to make that point your question is not relevant

Uh, no. I was asking strictly out of curiosity. 

Little defensive, aren't we? 

 

Edited August 15, 2018 by MormonGator

[Guest MormonGator]

Maybe you didn't read that I was also adopted. I like hearing the perspective of other adopted people, especially adults. I was curious if you were also adopted. Nothing more. 

Edited August 15, 2018 by MormonGator

[Guest MormonGator]

But you make a great point, and one I didn't think of. A non adoptee giving advice about how to deal with biological families is a bit like me telling you to how to raise kids.I might be right, but my perspective might be tainted because my lack of personal experience. 

Edited August 15, 2018 by MormonGator

[NeuroTypical]

Gator, you need to click on this website.  

[Vort]

8 minutes ago, MormonGator said:

But you make a great point, and one I didn't think of. A non adoptee giving advice about how to deal with biological families is a bit like me telling you to how to raise kids.

I think that is not necessarily correct. A non-adoptee might have extensive experience with adoptees and their feelings; for example, a non-adoptee might be an adoptive parent.

In general, dismissing someone's input strictly because of their sex or race or adoptive status seems an unwise philosophy.

[estradling75]

13 minutes ago, MormonGator said:

Uh, no. I was asking strictly out of curiosity. 

Little defensive, aren't we? 

 

Because I am fully expecting you to claim that because I wasn't adopted I don't know what I am talking about ... I'll wait for it...

 

11 minutes ago, MormonGator said:

Maybe you didn't read that I was also adopted. I like hearing the perspective of other adopted people, especially adults. I was curious if you were also adopted. Nothing more. 

I am not....  but dysfunction and dealing with "family" crap I do have some experience with

 

10 minutes ago, MormonGator said:

But you make a great point, and one I didn't think of. A non adoptee giving advice about how to deal with biological families is a bit like me telling you to how to raise kids.

Boom  there it is... exactly as expected.  Do you know how many times "Child-free" people have offered me advice?  More often then I go about out to public places and ask total strangers for their advice and opened myself up for it, that is for sure

Edited August 15, 2018 by estradling75

[Guest MormonGator]

1 minute ago, estradling75 said:

Because I am fully expecting you to claim that because I wasn't adopted I don't know what I am talking about ... I'll wait for it...

I actually wasn't even thinking about it until you brought it up. I was genuinely curious. Thank you bringing it up though, it raises an interesting question! 

[Guest MormonGator]

7 minutes ago, Vort said:

I think that is not necessarily correct. A non-adoptee might have extensive experience with adoptees and their feelings; for example, a non-adoptee might be an adoptive parent.

And someone without kids might have extensive experience with kids and their feelings. For example, a non-parent might have a Ph.D in child psychology. Sadly though, they'll still get the comment, "But you aren't a parent, so you don't know." And you know what? That's sort of accurate. 

Anyone is free to give advice on any topic they want to-luckily their advice doesn't have to be followed or even listened to. 

Edited August 15, 2018 by MormonGator

[Guest MormonGator]

@estradling75 and @Vort-

I'm on a adult adoptee group on Facebook. It's about 5,000+ people, very active. I'm going to ask them this question, ""Do other adult adoptees feel that someone who isn't adopted can give proper advice on relationships with an adoptees biological family? " Any suggestions as to how to phrase it? Thanks! 

[estradling75]

1 minute ago, MormonGator said:

I actually wasn't even thinking about it until you brought it up. I was genuinely curious. Thank you bringing it up though, it raises an interesting question! 

It seems to me that if we limit our support, advice, empathy etc... to just those whom we have an exactly related life experience we will quickly find ourselves trying help no one... This seems to me to be contrary to gospel commands to help everyone.

The flipside of this is that sometimes we do not "get it."  But I would rather stand before the Lord having tried and failed... then to not have tried at all.  Because of this I also accept that others will try and fail when they try to help me.

 

[Just_A_Guy]

5 minutes ago, MormonGator said:

@estradling75 and @Vort-

I'm on a adult adoptee group on Facebook. It's about 5,000+ people, very active. I'm going to ask them this question, ""Do other adult adoptees feel that someone who isn't adopted can give proper advice on relationships with an adoptees biological family? " Any suggestions as to how to phrase it? Thanks! 

“The party of the first part hereby requests that the party of the second part provide counsel, perspective, opinion or advice on the following matter, whereunto and as a condition precedent (not to be confused with being in consideration therewith) the parties do assent that the party of the first part indemnifies and holds harmless the party of the second part . . .”

(I can do this all day.)

Edited August 15, 2018 by Just_A_Guy