Adult Adoptee-dealing with bio fam

[Vort]

7 minutes ago, MormonGator said:

@estradling75 and @Vort-

I'm on a adult adoptee group on Facebook. It's about 5,000+ people, very active. I'm going to ask them this question, ""Do other adult adoptees feel that someone who isn't adopted can give proper advice on relationships with an adoptees biological family? " Any suggestions as to how to phrase it? Thanks! 

Phrase it just like that. But I don't think the question will actually illuminate anything. It's pretty predictable that a large majority of such a group would respond in the negative.

[Vort]

4 minutes ago, Just_A_Guy said:

(I can do this all day.)

Ftfy.

[Guest MormonGator]

1 minute ago, Vort said:

Phrase it just like that. But I don't think the question will actually illuminate anything. It's pretty predictable that a large majority of such a group would respond in the negative.

Thanks. Just did it, got an auto response. 

[lokimaq00]

2 hours ago, estradling75 said:

Perfect example of the conflict I am talking about...

You say you do not want anything to do with your bio-relations... but instead of blowing off your bio-moms email.. like you would a spam or any other unsolicited email.  You are focused on it.  Complaining that she doesn't really understand you. Thus allowing her to live rent free in your head and thoughts.   You need to make the choice to either evict her permanently...  Or accept that she is there flaws and all.  No one here can make that choice for you.

I admitted that it was conflicting. You even said earlier it was okay. It’s happened in the past 24 hours and I’m dealing with it. It’s not living rent free in my head and this sort of reply doesn’t help. Thanks all the same.

[mordorbund]

18 minutes ago, Just_A_Guy said:

“The party of the first part hereby requests that the party of the second part provide counsel, perspective, opinion or advice on the following matter, whereunto and as a condition precedent (not to be confused with being in consideration therewith) the parties do assent that the party of the first part indemnifies and holds harmless the party of the second part . . .”

(I can do this all day.)

 

 

[estradling75]

5 minutes ago, lokimaq00 said:

I admitted that it was conflicting. You even said earlier it was okay. It’s happened in the past 24 hours and I’m dealing with it. It’s not living rent free in my head and this sort of reply doesn’t help. Thanks all the same.

Like I said... No one here can make the choice for you.  Either you cut her (and them) out completely..  (Which means blocking and ignoring all forms of out reach) Or you accept they are going to be in your life dysfunction and all.  Until you make that choice you are in the worst of both worlds.  And by no means is it is going to be an easy choice.  Being conflicted by it is okay in the sense that it is normal to feel that way... But I have yet to meet any one that wants to live perpetually conflicted, and the path out is yours to take.

 

[pam]

57 minutes ago, Just_A_Guy said:

“The party of the first part hereby requests that the party of the second part provide counsel, perspective, opinion or advice on the following matter, whereunto and as a condition precedent (not to be confused with being in consideration therewith) the parties do assent that the party of the first part indemnifies and holds harmless the party of the second part . . .”

(I can do this all day.)

Try going out to dinner with him.  Yep he can do this all day. 

[Connie]

@lokimaq00  Maybe it's time to change your email address and not let certain people know.

[Lost Boy]

18 hours ago, lokimaq00 said:

I was adopted at one month through LDS Social Services and raised in the church. I always knew I was adopted and as I grew up, I found myself curious. When I was in my mid-20s, I filled out the state registry to get matched with my bio fam. I did not, but my sister did. I watched her go through meeting her bio fam and I quickly realized I was glad I had never been matched with my own. My family is my family. I am wholly blessed that the Lord saw fit to place me with them and to be sealed to them. About 3-4 years ago, I took the Ancestry DNA test and stumbled across my maternal grandfather. It caught me completely off guard and while I admit, I messaged him and asked questions and confirmed who he was, he took the rest of out my hands by giving his daughter, my bio mom, my email address. She contacted me right away. It was a very short back and forth in email and I admit I was not prepared for interaction. All I really wanted to know was if I was a product of rape and if I had siblings. It was awkward and ultimately, I just thanked her for what she did and told her I was happy and said I didn't want to talk further. It's been about 3 years and I haven't regretted cutting off contact. The family I was sealed to is my family. In all consideration, that's the family I will be with in eternity - we're sealed. They ARE my family. My bio mom gave me life, but I do not feel any familial ties. I've considered more than once writing to apologize for handling it poorly and giving her my gratitude again, but I don't want to open communication. I have received a couple of odd e-cards on my birthday since and she sent one message a year or so ago saying that her oldest son, who knows about me, was considering emailing me and I said that was fine. 

Then, out of the blue, yesterday, I received an email from my bio mom in a snarky tone (her communication style was a problem before) telling me that even if I didn't want to get to know her, I should get to know her parents, specifically my "grandfather." Before it's too late and all that. While I appreciate where she is coming from, I feel like she's only thinking about herself - which is how I felt during the first communication volley. Granted, I'm 36, I'm not a child, but she writes to me as if I'm a wayward teenager. She made the choice to put me up for adoption, which essentially severed all ties. Anything that happens now should be her caring about me, right? I feel like everything is about her wants and needs, not mine. Am I wrong in feeling this way? I am truly trying to be open to where she might be coming from, but I just feel like she doesn't actually care about me and I don't really want to reply to her. Thank you for any thoughts and guidance.

So I am not adopted, nor do I talk with adopted people about adoption issues.  So this is from a complete outside perspective.

Does your biological mom care about you?  Most likely, yes.  Probably not on a deep level, but at some level, yes.  Forming a bond with someone takes time and effort.  Blood relatives tend to get a automatic basic bond.  Not a strong bond but it is a start.

So I imagine that there is some guilt that goes on in her mind and probably a bit in your mind.  And both of you probably don't want it there.   She probably respects her parents and thinks highly of them.  As such she hopes that you will benefit from them the same way she has.  Of course this will require you to bond with her family and that is something that you are not really wanting to do.  I am not here to suggest that you take her up on the offer, but exploring what her motives are.  I think they are a mixture of selfishness and love.

I suspect that there is a part of you that thinks if you get close to any of this family that you will diminish your bonds with your current family or somehow weaken or tarnish them.  I don't know if getting close to them would do this or not.  But I think it is a legitimate concern.

I think if it were me, I might would like to see a written history of my biological family.  They will always be a part of you.  But I don't know if I would want the information right away.

My guess is that interacting with them really does take some of your emotional energy away from your actual family.  And that is not fair to them.  They put so much love and energy into to you.

So how do you get to know your bio fam without dealing with the emotional attachments...  There probably isn't a way.  no having your cake and eating it too.  You either are in or you are not.

My guess is that you are not ready right now.   I would handle it by a short email.

"I appreciate what you have done for me, but I am not currently ready to interact with my biological family.  I hope you can understand, but I would appreciate it if you don't contact me until I contact you again.  It is selfish, but I am just not in a position to have you as part of my life right now.  Thank you for understanding."

Anyway.  Good luck.  It can't be easy.

[Guest LiterateParakeet]

Here's my situation...I don't know my biological father.  So I get where you are coming from.  Curious, but not looking for a relationship.  I asked my mom many times about my bio dad and finally one day (when she had been drinking) she told me that one of her friends had seen him and insisted that I had a right to know about him.  So she told me his name, that he is really tall, balding, has a beer belly and one glass eye because he lost the other eye in a bar fight.   Years later I told my kids this story, and even though we have never met the man, the kids call him, "Grandpa Glasseye."  I know we're terrible.  LOL.  

He doesn't want any contact with me (I did call him once....when I told him who I was there was dead silence on his end.)  I'm fine with that.  I doubt we would have much in common.   I have a biological brother, that i have never met.  It might be cool to meet him, but likely we would also have nothing in common.  

On the other hand, my mom had another child before me that she gave up for adoption.  We got to meet him and have a great relationship with him (I'm as close to him as any of my other siblings....but to be honest none of us are really close.)   He still maintains a close, loving relationship with the family who raised him as well.  

The reason I share this, besides to tell you where I'm coming from....is to say that each person and each family is different.  You should do what is right for you.  Like JustAGuy said, your biological mom probably feels she is helping in some way by suggesting you talk to her parents.  But you have no obligation here.   Like Connie said, perhaps it's time to change your email address.   

You are the best person to make this decision.  If you don't want any contact with your biological family, if your curiousity has been satsified, then you have no obligation to have any more contact.  It doesn't sound like the communication you have had so far with your biological mother has been beneficial to either of you.  I think sometimes "no contact" is the best answer in some situations.  But if you still have questions, and are willing to deal with all the comes with it, you can continue the connection.  Either way, pray about it and then move forward in peace.  

[lokimaq00]

46 minutes ago, LiterateParakeet said:

The reason I share this, besides to tell you where I'm coming from....is to say that each person and each family is different.  You should do what is right for you.  Like JustAGuy said, your biological mom probably feels she is helping in some way by suggesting you talk to her parents.  But you have no obligation here.   Like Connie said, perhaps it's time to change your email address.   

My initial reaction of anger and such is over and now I can see where she might be coming from. I replied kindly, but distantly, apologizing for the poor interaction in the past, but thanking her again for what she did and that I'm happy with my life and wished her the best. It's what's right for me.

[Guest MormonGator]

24 minutes ago, lokimaq00 said:

My initial reaction of anger and such is over and now I can see where she might be coming from. I replied kindly, but distantly, apologizing for the poor interaction in the past, but thanking her again for what she did and that I'm happy with my life and wished her the best. It's what's right for me.

It's funny, because growing up I was terrified of my biological mother not wanting to meet me or only having one meeting and never again. Now, I wish I choose to only have one meeting and that was it! 

[lokimaq00]

Just now, MormonGator said:

It's funny, because growing up I was terrified of my biological mother not wanting to meet me or only having one meeting and never again. Now, I wish I choose to only have one meeting and that was it! 

It is funny, isn't it? It's amazing when you think about how you used to dream/imagine interactions with bio fam and then with an adult mind - you realize that was fantasy and childhood imagination. I'd always been so curious, but after watching my sister deal with her bio fam, I realized how blessed I already was and I didn't need it! But curiosity killed the cat. lol

[Guest MormonGator]

Just now, lokimaq00 said:

It is funny, isn't it?

Yup.  So bizzarre. And only adoptees really understand how that feels.