herewego

Newlywed Considering Dvorce

Recommended Posts

I think the OP needs a professional. I was once married to someone who was quite disturbed. I described his behaviour to a family doctor and the dr told me firmly to end the marriage. I then went to about 3 therapists and they all told me very quickly that the marriage needed to be over. From this experience, I suspect that counselor can identify if there is a chance to reform a spouse or not. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Wow lol, jewels, he makes a very good point!   But she DOES deserve a solid wonderful amazing marriage and is a daughter of God like you said too.  But so does HE.   He’s not some monster, he’s a human and one she chose to marry.  And he’s no doubt suffering in this as well.  He’s having a hard time adjusting to being a married man.  However due she is to having all those great things, she has to WORK towards Having them.  Whither it has come from negligence prior to marrying him or going tit for tat after really doesn’t matter.  Maybe it is all hit fault.  Sounds like porn addiction to me.  No reason to throw him to the wolves so quickly.  His eagerness proves nothing but being immature.  Maybe he is a total butt to blame.  She cant know until she sticks it out and tries to the bone.  Who started the issues does not matter.  Issues happen..... and BOTH have to do their part to salvage it or wreck it.   Because they BOTH deserve the blessings that their marriage can offer.  Sometimes it takes one to start the motion of both however.  My suggestion is birth control and no hasty decisions.  A divorce IS NOT EASY NO MATTER HOW BAD YOUR SPOUSE SUCKS!   I was married to a drunk for 12 years.  The fact that i left sane when i did is a true act of God.  I spent 10 years being a faithful wife building up a man who’d never get it together and I’d eventually have to leave anyway.  PO,   I DO NOT REGRET STAYING!  I do not regret one effort i made.  You cannot control situations sometimes or how they manifest, you can only do what the lord says is right about who you are and how you are to handle them.   I do not regret leaving either, bc time came for me to go.  That time will make itself clear.    But i learned how to weather a storm in the name of loving someone else and getting nothing in return.  It humbled me and i cherish what it did for me.   I learned what it meant to truly give for no reason other than that person needed me to give and I’d made the oath to give and i knew i had to honor it.   I  wanted to honor it!  I wanted to know that i was strong enough to stick it out!  Strong enough and faithful enough to do what was in me to do.  I know that feeling unloved,  unappreciated and unattractive to the one man you can actually give yourself to freely hurts SO bad, i have been there.    But you do not want to go down without a fight. Don’t be a weenie, girl!  Be strong!  Be confident in who the Lord made you to be!   It will teach you to be a woman to fix a problem you know you didn’t make.  It’s good practice for kids.  They will treat you like this at times too.   you cant cry and feel unworthy because SOMEONE is having a hard time with their identify as your husband.. You have to know your worth no matter the circumstances around you.  Stay, offer support and patience while you both try cousiling and talking to the elders in your church.   What’s a year of trying in the grand scheme of things really???????  In the end if he really feels this way even after you have shown TRUE Patience and willingness for whatever is causing this crazy reaction of his, y’all can always go from there in figuring out which way to go,.   But i tell you,  no two people get married into what they thought they were getting married into.  Maturity is trying in a patient way to see it for what it really is.    

Many blessings to you both and many many prayers for your happiness and joy in working though this!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Guest
On 8/24/2018 at 6:17 PM, Just_A_Guy said:

So a guy who was chaste before marriage and possibly rushed into marriage specifically for the sex, now has zero physical interest in his wife and stays up late at night, alone, on the computer?

There’s a lot that this *could* be; one possibility being a long-standing porn issue.

Yup.  That was the first thing that went through my mind when she described that.  Now, here's a follow up to that.

The negative effects of pornography are showing themselves to be present in this man's mind and soul.  He enjoyed the honeymoon, but was disappointed that it didn't meet up to the "fantasy" of the images on a screen.  Gee has this been given as a warning to anyone?  Any Church program or statement or talks in G.C. ever mention that?  Anyone think it sounds a bit familiar?  

But the situation is that now it's her problem too.  While I generally consider addiction and abuse to be conditions for divorce, I just don't know if porn and (I'm assuming) self-abuse rise to that level.  BTW, I believe the fights and the cycles are merely symptoms, not the cause of the unhappiness).  Instead, he needs help to be brought around and re-wire his brain to understand the sacredness of sexual intimacy in marriage.  This is a serious and ponderous undertaking.  But it must be done if the marriage is to be saved.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

It sounds like he could possibly have a porn addiction going on. Another possibility is he is angry with you for something. He could feel like you are not living up to what his idea of a wife should be. For example if he worked and you stayed at home and the house is not clean and you have not made sure he has dinner. I am not saying any of this is your fault. If he did have a problem with how you are as a wife he should not treat you with anything less than love and attention. I'm just saying as a man I know we are not complex. We are pretty simple. He just sounds like he is giving you the cold shoulder cause he is mad at you for something you are doing or not doing. Ask him is there anything he needs from you that he is not getting. You may not need outside help but you might. Also pray together, read the scriptures together, do FHE even if its just you two. Ask him for blessings and I bet you will begin to see changes.  

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 8/25/2018 at 11:23 PM, Lost Boy said:

One has to wonder about the other side of the story. 

You tell of a man that wants sex so he gets married, but now doesn't want it.. At least with you anyway. 

And then you mention fighting.  For there to be a fight you need two willing participants. 

Things that are a big turn off for guys is nagging, complaining, being told that we always do something that you don't like. Having someone bring up past transgressions. Having love withheld. 

There are always two sides to the story.  

So, you cannot change your husband. Only he can do that. You can change yourself. What was the saviors response to just about everything? To love. When things weren't going well for him, he continued to show love. Did he fight? No. Did he pout? No. He showed love. 

Now that is a hard thing to do when you feel that the love is one sided. But love is a choice. You choose to love the person you are with. Do you wake up thinking how am I going to show my husband love today? Or do you wake up wondering how he is going to disappoint you today? 

Do you treat him how you want him to be or do you treat him how you currently see him? Which way is more likely to affect a positive change? 

I've been there where I wanted my marriage to be over.  Where there was very little love between us. I did what I wrote above.  It was very hard to do, but it has yielded good results. In my many years of marriage, she was rarely affectionate with me, but now she finally is. 

It takes a daily commitment to love.. To love regardless of whether you believe he deserves it or not. If you do this don't expect an immediate turn around,. It takes time. Months and months. 

Good luck. 

I understand where you are coming from. I thought about these things in the beginning a lot. I confronted him about pornography and he told me he never had a problem with pornography. He later explained more, but porn was not a part of his past.

I felt like I must not be trying hard enough, that maybe I wasn't saying the right things or wearing the right things. I tried very careful not to turn into the nagging wife. So hard that if our room was dirty I stopped asking for help and cleaned it myself. If there were dishes I just did them. He would come home from work and just sit on his computer all night while I cleaned around him. I thought that he wasn't attracted to me because I wasn't attractive enough. I was never a makeup or heels kind of girl, I've just never put much stock into material possessions or beauty. Which is something he had previously said he loved about me. I started waking up early to curl my hair and wear makeup, bought several pairs of heels and even lingerie and just spent weeks chasing his affection as he grew more and more distant.

All it did was diminish all of my self worth. I would cry at the end of the night as I took off my makeup, looking into the mirror at a reflection I didn't recognize. I thought I must be too emotional, too needy. So I bit my tongue every time I wanted to ask for a kiss or a hug. Every time I felt I couldn't contain my tears I would sit in the bathroom with the fan on and cry. I tried my hardest to put on a smile, but I became so so lonely. It was by far the worst months of my life. Every day I tried to "choose love", but when it was met with such lack of interest, it was hard to take. At this point I was so desperate for affection or interest.

So, we had a talk. We had multiple talks throughout the span of a couple nights. We talked about divorce. There were tears from both of us as we wondered what had happened, where we had gone wrong. I mostly let him talk. He told me he did love me but he couldn't help but wonder about life as a single and what would have happened if he had dated more people. I could relate to that, he was my first boyfriend. I held him while he cried about the fact he married me, without saying a word. In all the marriage, that was the hardest moment. 

He explained a cross-dressing fetish he had that made it impossible to get turned on without the idea of it. My body would just never get him there. It stung my self esteem to hear but I accepted it, told him that fetishes aren't our choice and that it was okay. That I loved him and was happy to try it if it would help him. 

Essentially after listening to him express all of those thoughts I told him that regardless, we got married. It was clear we were naive. It was clear we should have dated longer, and maybe even have broken up. But we made a commitment to Heavenly Father and to each other. We do love each other. But we are young. We aren't perfect. I know it seems like I'm not painting a full picture but I'm just trying to put my thoughts down. I am in no way perfect, but we both needed to be willing to try. I gave him his out, I said that if he wanted to divorce then we would. But if he wanted to stay then he had to be in this marriage. No more talk of divorce. No more day dreaming about the "what if's". We would have to commit. 

Anyways, long story short: we are working on it. After that night, things have been different. He has been much more involved. We still have fights and hard days but there are happy days too, which felt impossible months ago. There are days where we laugh and smile and eat pizza and ice cream late at night. It might seem simple but I never thought we'd get to the day where he would look happy to see me, or where he would cuddle with me in bed. Our life is far from perfect but it is a marriage working towards perfection. And that's good enough for me.

Thanks to everyone for listening to someone who desperately needed to vent and get some validation. 

I'll probably delete this post in a few weeks or so. Put this whole thing behind us, fresh start.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
1 hour ago, herewego said:

I understand where you are coming from. I thought about these things in the beginning a lot. I confronted him about pornography and he told me he never had a problem with pornography. He later explained more, but porn was not a part of his past.

I felt like I must not be trying hard enough, that maybe I wasn't saying the right things or wearing the right things. I tried very careful not to turn into the nagging wife. So hard that if our room was dirty I stopped asking for help and cleaned it myself. If there were dishes I just did them. He would come home from work and just sit on his computer all night while I cleaned around him. I thought that he wasn't attracted to me because I wasn't attractive enough. I was never a makeup or heels kind of girl, I've just never put much stock into material possessions or beauty. Which is something he had previously said he loved about me. I started waking up early to curl my hair and wear makeup, bought several pairs of heels and even lingerie and just spent weeks chasing his affection as he grew more and more distant.

All it did was diminish all of my self worth. I would cry at the end of the night as I took off my makeup, looking into the mirror at a reflection I didn't recognize. I thought I must be too emotional, too needy. So I bit my tongue every time I wanted to ask for a kiss or a hug. Every time I felt I couldn't contain my tears I would sit in the bathroom with the fan on and cry. I tried my hardest to put on a smile, but I became so so lonely. It was by far the worst months of my life. Every day I tried to "choose love", but when it was met with such lack of interest, it was hard to take. At this point I was so desperate for affection or interest.

So, we had a talk. We had multiple talks throughout the span of a couple nights. We talked about divorce. There were tears from both of us as we wondered what had happened, where we had gone wrong. I mostly let him talk. He told me he did love me but he couldn't help but wonder about life as a single and what would have happened if he had dated more people. I could relate to that, he was my first boyfriend. I held him while he cried about the fact he married me, without saying a word. In all the marriage, that was the hardest moment. 

He explained a cross-dressing fetish he had that made it impossible to get turned on without the idea of it. My body would just never get him there. It stung my self esteem to hear but I accepted it, told him that fetishes aren't our choice and that it was okay. That I loved him and was happy to try it if it would help him. 

Essentially after listening to him express all of those thoughts I told him that regardless, we got married. It was clear we were naive. It was clear we should have dated longer, and maybe even have broken up. But we made a commitment to Heavenly Father and to each other. We do love each other. But we are young. We aren't perfect. I know it seems like I'm not painting a full picture but I'm just trying to put my thoughts down. I am in no way perfect, but we both needed to be willing to try. I gave him his out, I said that if he wanted to divorce then we would. But if he wanted to stay then he had to be in this marriage. No more talk of divorce. No more day dreaming about the "what if's". We would have to commit. 

Anyways, long story short: we are working on it. After that night, things have been different. He has been much more involved. We still have fights and hard days but there are happy days too, which felt impossible months ago. There are days where we laugh and smile and eat pizza and ice cream late at night. It might seem simple but I never thought we'd get to the day where he would look happy to see me, or where he would cuddle with me in bed. Our life is far from perfect but it is a marriage working towards perfection. And that's good enough for me.

Thanks to everyone for listening to someone who desperately needed to vent and get some validation. 

I'll probably delete this post in a few weeks or so. Put this whole thing behind us, fresh start.

A cross dressing fetish is not good.  I can't say for certain, but I would guess that he is at least bi-sexual. And that is most likely the real cause of the disinterest.  I don't know how you fix that or if you even can fix that.

But I do believe you can love each other.  You have discovered that cleaning is not his thing.  He doesn't really care if you clean or not.  My wife would do the same.  She would try and show me love through cleaning.  I was grateful, but it just didn't do it for me.  I really didn't care if the house was a bit of a mess.  What I wanted was affection and she wasn't giving that to me so all the cleaning in the world really didn't mean much.  I tried to show her affection to try and get her to show me affection.  It didn't work.  Essentially we were out of phase.  We were both trying, but doing all the wrong things.

I finally figured out that what she wanted was me to help in a big way with taking care of the cleaning.  Showing her acts of service.  It doesn't come natural to me.  But now that I know how much she appreciates it, it is far easier for me to do and I have started enjoying it.  She on the other hand has figured out how much I like her affection and she has been making strides.

It is going to take some time to figure out how to love him the way he wants to be loved.  And it may take some time for him to figure out how to love you.

I really don't think it was the porn in his life that is the real issue here.  Yes, it is a big issue.  But the real issue is that he isn't attracted to women.  I would bet that is why he likes you without the makeup and what not.  That would make some sense.

Anyway, I would forget about the porn issue for right now...  Yeah, pretty hard to do.  Work on loving him.  You aren't going to change him, but you can change you.

Learn to be patient.  Learn not to judge.  Learn to always be kind.  Learn not to fight.  There are many things about you, that you can improve.  That you need to improve.  Yes, your husband has many as well.  Don't worry about his demons, worry about your own.  He will notice.  And if he is worth keeping, he will want to change as well.  I know you want him to put as much effort into it as you do.  He probably won't right now and you are probably going to have to be the strength for a while.  I've been there.  It sucks.  But if you are determined to love him and be a positive force, things will get better.

I appreciate you sharing.  It is not easy.  I can feel you are a good person.  Let go of your ego and not worry about whether you are good enough or not.  I don't know you, but your father in heaven does and I know that he knows you are good enough.  So let your ego go.  Find the things you can control and fix those things that you can.  Try to let go of the things you can't control.

I don't know what the future hold for you and your husband, but I know that if you really work on being a better you, regardless of what happens you will end up a better person.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
3 hours ago, herewego said:

I understand where you are coming from. I thought about these things in the beginning a lot. I confronted him about pornography and he told me he never had a problem with pornography. He later explained more, but porn was not a part of his past.

I felt like I must not be trying hard enough, that maybe I wasn't saying the right things or wearing the right things. I tried very careful not to turn into the nagging wife. So hard that if our room was dirty I stopped asking for help and cleaned it myself. If there were dishes I just did them. He would come home from work and just sit on his computer all night while I cleaned around him. I thought that he wasn't attracted to me because I wasn't attractive enough. I was never a makeup or heels kind of girl, I've just never put much stock into material possessions or beauty. Which is something he had previously said he loved about me. I started waking up early to curl my hair and wear makeup, bought several pairs of heels and even lingerie and just spent weeks chasing his affection as he grew more and more distant.

All it did was diminish all of my self worth. I would cry at the end of the night as I took off my makeup, looking into the mirror at a reflection I didn't recognize. I thought I must be too emotional, too needy. So I bit my tongue every time I wanted to ask for a kiss or a hug. Every time I felt I couldn't contain my tears I would sit in the bathroom with the fan on and cry. I tried my hardest to put on a smile, but I became so so lonely. It was by far the worst months of my life. Every day I tried to "choose love", but when it was met with such lack of interest, it was hard to take. At this point I was so desperate for affection or interest.

So, we had a talk. We had multiple talks throughout the span of a couple nights. We talked about divorce. There were tears from both of us as we wondered what had happened, where we had gone wrong. I mostly let him talk. He told me he did love me but he couldn't help but wonder about life as a single and what would have happened if he had dated more people. I could relate to that, he was my first boyfriend. I held him while he cried about the fact he married me, without saying a word. In all the marriage, that was the hardest moment. 

He explained a cross-dressing fetish he had that made it impossible to get turned on without the idea of it. My body would just never get him there. It stung my self esteem to hear but I accepted it, told him that fetishes aren't our choice and that it was okay. That I loved him and was happy to try it if it would help him. 

Essentially after listening to him express all of those thoughts I told him that regardless, we got married. It was clear we were naive. It was clear we should have dated longer, and maybe even have broken up. But we made a commitment to Heavenly Father and to each other. We do love each other. But we are young. We aren't perfect. I know it seems like I'm not painting a full picture but I'm just trying to put my thoughts down. I am in no way perfect, but we both needed to be willing to try. I gave him his out, I said that if he wanted to divorce then we would. But if he wanted to stay then he had to be in this marriage. No more talk of divorce. No more day dreaming about the "what if's". We would have to commit. 

Anyways, long story short: we are working on it. After that night, things have been different. He has been much more involved. We still have fights and hard days but there are happy days too, which felt impossible months ago. There are days where we laugh and smile and eat pizza and ice cream late at night. It might seem simple but I never thought we'd get to the day where he would look happy to see me, or where he would cuddle with me in bed. Our life is far from perfect but it is a marriage working towards perfection. And that's good enough for me.

Thanks to everyone for listening to someone who desperately needed to vent and get some validation. 

I'll probably delete this post in a few weeks or so. Put this whole thing behind us, fresh start.

Something weird is happening to our men. I imagine you are from the US? I am interested to see what this conference will bring.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now