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I am a convert(meaning I joined the church later in my life instead of born into church) of 10 years. My family joined the church together. 

I love the gospel and the church. As a YSA (Young Single Adult), I hear a lot about importance of family and mother’s role in the family and having children. 

I fully understand why it’s important to have a family and have children. But it’s becoming clearer everyday that I don’t want to have kids. 

I wonder if I will ever be able to find someone to get married in the temple when I don’t want to have kids. I have dated someone seriously and this was one of the things we couldn’t agree on and we  ended the relationship after dating for couple of years. 

Coming from a single-parent home, I am fully aware of the hard work that is required to be a good parent. As much as it’s taught in the church to have children when you are married, I sometimes feel that importance of being a good parent is not emphasized as much. Although I fully respect and love my mother for doing what she does to raise me and my siblings, I sometimes wonder how much happier she could have been if she didn’t have kids. She would have been able to leave her abusive husband much sooner. She would have been able to pursue her dreams and goals to be the person she wanted to be instead of being a stay at home mother like it is often asked of in woman. 

I thought that maybe I don’t want kids because of what happened between my parents and because I understand the struggle when the marriage falls apart. I’ve done therapy, prayed and fasted to know what it is I should do. I studied my patriarchal blessing and hated myself for being so different. But I just can’t seem to be the person woman are taught to be in the church. 

Should I give up hope to find someone to get married in the temple? I don’t know if I should date anyone or even put myself out there. Part of me feels it would be selfish of me to look for an eternal companion when I can’t be the ideal person they look for. I sometimes feel like a damaged good for not being able to want the life that every girl dream of. 

Is it wrong for me to want the eternal companionship without wanting to have kids? Some of you may say that it’s just a phase because I have been told that when I talked to people in church about this. But it’s not that I don’t love kids. I work with kids and I really think they are so precious and such a sacred blessing to have in this world. It makes the cruel world a little better place. But I really don’t want my kids to go through the pain of having a parent who didn’t want to have kids. Children deserve better and I can’t be what they need. I don’t want kids when I will love them and take care of them because that’s what I am obligated to do instead of doing it because I want to. 

I think about this everyday and I would appreciate your input. 

 

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Welcome, @Flowerthatdoesntwilt!

Just for context, I am a middle-aged widow who has no children.  I didn't have strong feelings either way about having children, we just didn't.

6 hours ago, Flowerthatdoesntwilt said:

I’ve done therapy, prayed and fasted to know what it is I should do. I studied my patriarchal blessing and hated myself for being so different. But I just can’t seem to be the person woman are taught to be in the church.

Based on my experience (born in the Church, and given the above, and experience not related to children with what I'm about to recommend), here's what I suggest: Every time you get on your knees to pray in private, and silently (and quickly) every time you're part of any prayer (in other words, in your heart), pray for the Lord to change your heart on this matter - He'll know how to change it, so don't worry about how to do it - it won't be you, it'll be Him.  Then leave that prayer and do your best to live the gospel.  Don't worry about wanting or not wanting kids, just live the gospel as best you know how - study scripture, pray, attend church, serve in callings, serve others.  Do this for every single prayer - deep breath - for years.  Don't worry about how many years it might take1, just keep doing it.  Don't worry that it seems absurdly redundant, just keep doing it - morning and night, over meals, whatever - just every time you pray.  Ignore the erroneous notion that our prayers aren't supposed to repeat (that's false - they're not supposed to multiply words or be in vain).  Don't worry that six months into it you don't feel like your heart has changed.  Don't worry that you're praying for something you don't really want - that's irrelevant.  Don't worry that you're praying for something that may never be an option anyway.  Just keep praying for the Lord to change your heart.  Don't stop until you come to the realization that your heart has changed.  It may not change in the way you expect, the way you want, or the way you didn't want when you started, but it will change.

1For me, it took about two years.  I didn't realize there had been any change until one night, as I was falling asleep, it hit me that I had been changed.  I had done nothing to make the change - couldn't begin to imagine how.  I had left that part to the Lord and tried to do what I knew to be right.

NOTE: I suspect if you resist change - e.g. if you say to yourself every chance you get, "I don't want kids" (or similar), then you will "win" because the Lord won't compete with you - he won't force a change of heart on you.  But if you let it go and leave it up to the Lord, he  will change your heart in the manner that will be best for you across time and eternity.

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8 hours ago, Flowerthatdoesntwilt said:

Should I give up hope to find someone to get married in the temple? I don’t know if I should date anyone or even put myself out there. Part of me feels it would be selfish of me to look for an eternal companion when I can’t be the ideal person they look for. I sometimes feel like a damaged good for not being able to want the life that every girl dream of. 

You are in NO way damaged goods.  You do yourself only harm by comparing yourself to this imaginary "ideal woman".  God doesn't have just one 'perfect' daughter.  God loves YOU.  Please stop hurting yourself this way.

8 hours ago, Flowerthatdoesntwilt said:

Is it wrong for me to want the eternal companionship without wanting to have kids?

Martial eternal companionship exists for more than just having children.   If the only purpose of companionship was to have children the church would have to say ridiculous things like  "every infertile couple should get divorced!" and "no one past the age of menopause is allowed to get married!".  Obviously that's not the case- because eternal marriage exists for MORE than just having children.

Now, I'm a no-nonsense pragmatic person who prefers to cut to the chase in things.  If I were in your shoes, I would just cut to the chase about this issue right away in dating so if the guy wasn't interested we could both move on to other people right away.  But that's just me personally.  You do you and how you best want to approach this.

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19 hours ago, Jane_Doe said:

 If I were in your shoes, I would just cut to the chase about this issue right away in dating so if the guy wasn't interested we could both move on to other people right away.

Maybe a cut to the chase..."Children are a subject I'm currently working on right now, I'm trying to allow HF to change my heart on this matter" vs. a scare him off statement of "Children are not ever going to be in the cards for me." - which feels like there is no room for change. :)

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Guest MormonGator
On 8/25/2018 at 3:58 AM, Flowerthatdoesntwilt said:

Is it wrong for me to want the eternal companionship without wanting to have kids?

No, it's your choice completely. Just remember that not wanting kids is like a tattoo-it's a permanent thing that you might regret later in life. 

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On 8/25/2018 at 3:58 AM, Flowerthatdoesntwilt said:

Although I fully respect and love my mother for doing what she does to raise me and my siblings, I sometimes wonder how much happier she could have been if she didn’t have kids. She would have been able to leave her abusive husband much sooner. She would have been able to pursue her dreams and goals to be the person she wanted to be instead of being a stay at home mother like it is often asked of in woman. 

I'm Filipino.  It's hard to imagine the kind of poverty that exists in some parts of the Philippines.  But over and over I hear this refrain - "I will go through the same hardship over and over and even worse and still have my children".  Being a mother/father is the greatest glory in all the darkness.  Being a mother/father is the greatest honor.  I have a feeling your mother felt the same.

It's sad that the Feminist movement hasn't promoted this one truth... when 1st graders and Beauty Queens say things like, "I want to be a Scientist, an Engineer, a Fireman, a Doctor, a Princess"... they're aspiring for a lower calling than the greatest ambition... "I want to be a Mother".  

This calling may not be in the cards for you.  Not all women can be biological Mothers even as they are all Mothers.  A Mother is, after all, not just someone who births babies but also those who raise children in all righteousness.  But it is wrong for you to take that great glory and honor away from your Mother and think she'd have more joy pursuing a lesser dream than she has accomplished.

Edited by anatess2
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You've presented something of a false dichotomy.  And to put it bluntly, having children is not what trapped your mother in an abusive relationship.  Not having been prepared for the possibility of an abusive relationship is what trapped her.  (Please note, I am not blaming her. These kinds of preparations are often ignored in our current society, and were almost unheard of for her generation).

Before I go any further though, I want to stress something that I believe should be a non-negotiable aspect of couples having children.  That is, if both partners are not agreed on having a (or another) child, there should be no deliberate attempt at having a child.  So, if you don't want to have children, don't have children.

That being said, based on what you've written, I'm not convinced that having children is what worries you, but that the limitations children can bring into your life are what worry you.  Consider

Quote

She would have been able to leave her abusive husband much sooner.

If the ability to leave an abusive husband is something that concerns you, then you should make a plan for the possibility that the person you marry is or becomes abusive.  This means

  • having a duffel bag packed with a couple days of clothes, toiletries, and a small amount of cash to get you through about three days.  Keep this bag at a relative or a friend's house within driving distance. Restock it every six months.  If/when you have children, you keep a bag for each child as well, and know the local laws regarding abandonment and kidnapping.  If you find yourself needing to leave your spouse, you are prepared to do it on a moment's notice.
  • Keep a separate account into which a portion of your earnings is sent on each paycheck.  The goal is to eventually have several months worth of savings that can support you in the event that you leave your spouse suddenly
  • Do not marry someone who does not understand, respect, and support these conditions.  
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She would have been able to pursue her dreams and goals to be the person she wanted to be instead of being a stay at home mother like it is often asked of in woman.

You don't have to be a stay-at-home mother.  You can have a career.  In a Young Single Adult Face-to-Face last fall (https://www.lds.org/broadcasts/face-to-face/oaks-ballard?lang=eng), Elder Oaks was asked about expectations of women.  He stated quite clearly that women now live in an age where they can have it all.  He then talked about the importance of not delaying marriage, but then surprised me when he advised women to complete their education before having children.  He spoke of his own mother, who unexpectedly became a single mother when his father passed away.  She was able to raise her family in relative comfort because her mother had already completed her degree.  He suggested that life would have been much more difficult if she did not have a degree, and more so if she tried to complete a degree as a single parent.  The message I took home from that was that education and raising children are not completely compatible.  And there is some wisdom in completing your studies before you have children (at least undergraduate studies.  If you are pursuing multiple advanced degrees, that calculus may change).  He gave no indication that there was anything wrong with a woman pursuing a career if that is what made her happy.

So, key points

  • Marry someone that is content to not have children until you have completed your education.
  • Marry someone that is supportive of you continuing your career if you have children.

Lastly, I'd encourage you to be honest about your humanity.  You don't want to have children right now.  That may or may not change.  So when speaking with prospective spouses, be honest and say "at this point in my life, I don't see myself having children.  I don't expect that to change."  And think about whether your aversion to having children is about the children, or about the limits they may put on your life.  Those are different issues.

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35 minutes ago, MarginOfError said:

or about the limits they may put on your life. 

This is another weird thing.  Too many people think of children as a burden instead of a blessing.

I mean, have you ever heard of somebody saying... "I don't want to have to work when I don't want to.  What a burden.  It is putting limits on my life.  I will never work.  Ever."  Even as they grumble about their 9 to 5 keeping them away from <insert dream life here>?  They work because it allows them to pursue the dream.  So yes, it is work to change diapers, and instill discipline, and school children, and keep them alive to see their 18th birthday... but that's not the sum total of what having children is all about.  Pursuing a dream doesn't stop just because we got children in tow.  They'll probably even help you get to that dream!  I mean... my dream was to walk down the gaping hole of the grand canyon and walk all the way back up.  I could've accomplished that even with tiny kids.  I mean, my kid was only 7 months old when I decided to put him in a backpack and travel halfway around the world.

Anyway, I don't want to come off as being disparaging of the OP's decision to not have children.  I just think that thinking about kids as limiting is a weird thought pattern that I don't quite understand.

Edited by anatess2
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What's truly the reason why you don't want kids? It seems to be based out of fear... "like if you have kids you'll have to stay at home, you'll have to put up with a crappy marriage, you wont be able to pursue your dreams and goals, you wont be able to be truly happy" (Those are the things you wrote).

Have you talked with your mom? have you asked her to honestly tell you about her feelings concerning you and your siblings?

 

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