My friend is breaking the word of wisdom


NicoleGallagher
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Hey everybody,

im a convert to the church, I joined about nine months ago. From the time I joined the church there was a girl in young women's with me who I idolised because she had also joined the church as a teenager, but then found out she was breaking the word of wisdom often. This I found out from a mutual friend who told me, not knowing that I didn't know. I was quite shocked when I was told, but it made a lot of sense. A few months earlier I was told by Elders I know in our ward that there were photos of her on the internet drinking. I don't know who showed them but someone did. I spent a lot of time defending her to these Elders and the following missionaries as well, as I didn't know. 

The thing is, this girl is planning on getting endowed next month as she is prepairing to go on her mission! I know this is an awful idea. She hasn't repented for breaking the WoW as she doesn't think it's that bad, and the only parts of it she didn't break were the tea and coffee. I don't know what I'm suppose to do now. I don't want to seem judgemental when I ask her, but I don't know where the line is between judging and being concerned. My other friend who is a convert has talked to her about it and what she usually says is "I have been in the church longer than you so I know more about this" and then exits the conversation. 

I'm not a snitch or anything so I really am torn here. I have no idea what to do. I don't even have a idea on what to do. So if anyone has any options on what to do that would be well appreciated.

thanks a million

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Guest MormonGator

I think in this case, it's best to mind your own business. If elders and other people in the church already know, let them deal with it. 

Edited by MormonGator
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9 minutes ago, MormonGator said:

I think in this case, it's best to mind your own business. If elders and other people in the church already know, let them deal with it. 

Sorry if I didn't make it clear, the elders have left and no one else knows except one other young woman. P.s. They were just asking and when I said she wasn't they left the topic. That was approximately 4 months ago maybe more

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Guest MormonGator
1 hour ago, NicoleGallagher said:

Sorry if I didn't make it clear, the elders have left and no one else knows except one other young woman. P.s. They were just asking and when I said she wasn't they left the topic. That was approximately 4 months ago maybe more

Thanks for clearing that up. 

All I can tell you is that some of the biggest mistakes I've made in life are when I tried to poke my nose in other peoples affairs. Sometimes it's best to mind your own business and move on. 

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Yeah... it is her business... but you are also a friend who had her on a pedestal.

We are all humans, I think we all have done stupid stuff, but have repented. Maybe she already went through the repentance process and talked to the bishop. There's no way for you to find out, plus it's between her and the Lord.

I will say don't worry about it, because it's not something you can control, whether shes currently doing it or not, you cant control her agency, you can only control the things under your power, like the things you say or do or the clothes you wear, or the fact you obey the principles you've been talked.

Yes, it can be heartbreaking to know some dirty things about people we care about, but remember it's their agency, they are choosing what to do.

 

:):)

 

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1 hour ago, NicoleGallagher said:

Hey everybody,

im a convert to the church, I joined about nine months ago. From the time I joined the church there was a girl in young women's with me who I idolised because she had also joined the church as a teenager, but then found out she was breaking the word of wisdom often. This I found out from a mutual friend who told me, not knowing that I didn't know. I was quite shocked when I was told, but it made a lot of sense. A few months earlier I was told by Elders I know in our ward that there were photos of her on the internet drinking. I don't know who showed them but someone did. I spent a lot of time defending her to these Elders and the following missionaries as well, as I didn't know. 

The thing is, this girl is planning on getting endowed next month as she is prepairing to go on her mission! I know this is an awful idea. She hasn't repented for breaking the WoW as she doesn't think it's that bad, and the only parts of it she didn't break were the tea and coffee. I don't know what I'm suppose to do now. I don't want to seem judgemental when I ask her, but I don't know where the line is between judging and being concerned. My other friend who is a convert has talked to her about it and what she usually says is "I have been in the church longer than you so I know more about this" and then exits the conversation. 

I'm not a snitch or anything so I really am torn here. I have no idea what to do. I don't even have a idea on what to do. So if anyone has any options on what to do that would be well appreciated.

thanks a million

It's none of your business,  you don't know that she hasn't repented. How could you know? it's between her and her bishop and the Lord.

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2 hours ago, NicoleGallagher said:

I'm not a snitch or anything so I really am torn here. I have no idea what to do. I don't even have a idea on what to do. So if anyone has any options on what to do that would be well appreciated.

thanks a million

If she is a close-close friend who told you about this seeking your advice, then you would be in a position to give advice (that she should speak with the bishop on the matter).

If she's not... you got to honor people's agency, even when they are doing stupid stuff that's going to bite them majorly hard.  Yes what your friend is doing is majorly majorly wrong- don't let anyone try to connive you otherwise.  But you cannot repent for her, neither does repentance come as the result of nagging.

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Even if she hasn't repented, AND stopped then, like it has already been said, it IS between her and the Lord. She may receive her endowment, she may even go on a mission. She may continue to break the WOW during her mission. But know this, it is still between her and the Lord.

All of us who are members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, are Saints but we are not saintly. We are mortal human beings. A word of caution for you, don't put anyone, member or not, up on a pedestal. Don't Idolize anyone, ever.

Remember what other do is *Not your circus, Not your monkey*

Worry only about yourself. Keep YOUR own covenants with the Lord.

DO pray for her, as often as you remember. Do ask Father, in your prayers, to protect & guide her.

 

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Perhaps a bit of misunderstanding, I would never rat on her for it. I think that's a bad move and would ruin our friendship but when I talk to her how do I not cross the line from concerned friend to judging her which I am not trying to do because I know people make mistakes. I understand it's her life and her agency, but I love her and she's always been a good friend in difficult times, idont want to just leave it because she knows I know.

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  • 2 weeks later...

@NicoleGallagher

Hi! If you are bothered by it then talk to your bishop about it. You don't have to use her name if you don't want to. If you feel like she is sneaking into the mission field you have every right to feel hurt AND concerned. Once you mention it to your bishop then let it go. After that point you passed it onto the Bishop and he and The Lord will take care of it. Be satisfied that you did your best to be helpful no matter if she is postponed or goes "on time". You ARE your sister's keeper, just make sure you are doing things for the right reasons. 

I'm proud of you for standing up for what is right. Remember your best friends are found in the Godhead. Then those closest to you. Don't be afraid to let people and things fall out of your life that aren't in harmony with your spiritual growth and salvation. 

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On 8/27/2018 at 2:22 PM, NicoleGallagher said:

Hey everybody,

im a convert to the church, I joined about nine months ago. From the time I joined the church there was a girl in young women's with me who I idolised because she had also joined the church as a teenager, but then found out she was breaking the word of wisdom often. This I found out from a mutual friend who told me, not knowing that I didn't know. I was quite shocked when I was told, but it made a lot of sense. A few months earlier I was told by Elders I know in our ward that there were photos of her on the internet drinking. I don't know who showed them but someone did. I spent a lot of time defending her to these Elders and the following missionaries as well, as I didn't know. 

The thing is, this girl is planning on getting endowed next month as she is prepairing to go on her mission! I know this is an awful idea. She hasn't repented for breaking the WoW as she doesn't think it's that bad, and the only parts of it she didn't break were the tea and coffee. I don't know what I'm suppose to do now. I don't want to seem judgemental when I ask her, but I don't know where the line is between judging and being concerned. My other friend who is a convert has talked to her about it and what she usually says is "I have been in the church longer than you so I know more about this" and then exits the conversation. 

I'm not a snitch or anything so I really am torn here. I have no idea what to do. I don't even have a idea on what to do. So if anyone has any options on what to do that would be well appreciated.

thanks a million

That is always a tough one.  We see someone doing things that they should not be doing.  Sometimes they are doing it knowingly and sometimes not knowingly.

We all have our demons and we all struggle dealing with those demons.  Many people try to deal with their demons on their own, but sometimes we lose to those demons and are ashamed of our failures.  The shame can be very difficult to deal with.

Feel for them.  Pray for them and be their friend.  But in the end, it is their sin and their responsibility to take care of it.

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Guest LiterateParakeet

Have you talked to her about this yet?  I got the idea from your post that you haven't.  It seems like all you have is hearsay from other people.  This might sound harsh, and I honestly don't mean it that way, but this is basically gossip.  Unless you talk to her about it or she literally drank or smoked in front of you, then you don't know for sure.  That means that you can't possibly know whether or not she has repented.   Maybe she did break the Word of Wisdom, but as parr of preparing to go to the temple, she confessed to the Bishop and has fully repented.   Again, unless you have discussed this with her or seen her breaking the Word of Wisdom RECENTLY, then you just don't know.  

The best thing to do is to be a friend and an example.  If I heard that one of my friends was drinking (for example), I would ask her in a loving way to find out if the story was true or not....and if it was true, I would then ask if she's okay, and if there is anything I can do to help.  If she says yes, I would help in the way that she asked.  If she says no, then I would let it go, but I would love her and pray for her.  

@Lost Boy  great post, well said.  

 

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On 8/27/2018 at 3:09 PM, NicoleGallagher said:

Perhaps a bit of misunderstanding, I would never rat on her for it. I think that's a bad move and would ruin our friendship but when I talk to her how do I not cross the line from concerned friend to judging her which I am not trying to do because I know people make mistakes. I understand it's her life and her agency, but I love her and she's always been a good friend in difficult times, idont want to just leave it because she knows I know.

In my experience, when someone is sinning and knows everyone knows, it does more damage to not talk about it in their presence than to awkwardly avoid it. I have a good friend that came home from his mission early because of previous son he didn’t take care of. I didn’t meet him till about 2 years after he got home. 

 When I met him, from the context of th conversations we were having, I figured he had started a mission but didn’t “finish” one. What did I do? I asked “Did you serve a mission? Yes, but you came home early right? Was that hard?” And boom, hatbstarted a great conversation and now whenever the topic of a our missions come up, no one feels awkward. I probably only had like 5 hours of communication prior to asking him those questions.

The difficult thing about “judging” is that whether you are judging her or not doesn’t really matter on whether she thinks you are judging her. I recently had a rant on this  it is up to her on how she will react to your question

Edited by Fether
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