I need some serious advice


LePeel
 Share

Recommended Posts

I need some serious advice about a serious topic. Here's the rundown. I'm a 24 year old male, I was ordained to the Aaronic Priesthood this year. Shortly thereafter, at work, I find myself thinking about marriage and dating (par for the course.) I was feeling kind of eager to try my hand at dating again, but then the thought came to me that if I was married I couldn't serve a mission. Such a thought I found strange because I had never seriously considered going on a mission, it must've been inspiration. A couple more things of that kind happened and I determined I ought to go on a mission. 

Now, here's the where my concerns are. I'm 24 years old and by the time I actually get into the mission and complete it, I'll be like 26 or 27. At this point I will desire to find a wife. Problem: this probably won't happen in an instant. I may end up being 28, 29, or even 30 by the time I'm married. I'm worried about the biological clock, me or her being too old to adapt to married life as well as if we were younger, and the fact that, at this point, I have no education beyond a GED. Basically, I'm at a vulnerable time to just pack up and go on a mission. I trust God, and I'd be fine living single and homeless for the rest of my days as a result of this mission. 

Anyways, I need some serious advice, 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

IMO, work on sorting out your emotions on the matter until you reach the point where you're OK with anything and everything God may tell you to do - get married, go to college, serve a mission, take a specific job, move to a new location, etc.  If you are overly desirous of one, or fearful of another, or certain one isn't possible in a million years, those strong emotions can both cloud your judgement and block inspiration.  It might be wise to, in effect, put yourself aside and treat the next part as an intellectual effort you're making on behalf of another person - you can bring yourself back into it after the next bit.

Then ask God to guide you in choosing a path forward (ask this continually through the process).  Then study it out in your mind.  Consider every variable of each of the options you can imagine so that you're familiar with all of them - when you think of something new about one of them, go back and think about the same category for the rest of them - basically, explore each until you know as much as you can possibly know about the option.  This isn't about comparing and contrasting them (yet) - it's about getting to know each of them intimately.  IMO, don't dismiss anything out of hand (except evil) - this is an exploratory investigation designed to uncover everything (and I have learned not to trust my own judgement of things I don't know well - there are things I absolutely love now that decades ago I would have (stupidly) dismissed sight unseen).

Write that stuff down!  Do not just mull it over in your mind.  Write it down (or type it up, whatever).  This is absolutely necessary.
Once that's done, look honestly at yourself and the various options and decide which one will allow you to be the best faithful you that you can be.  Don't choose the one you think you'll like or be good at.  Consider where you want to be at the end of your life and which one will best help you get there.  Once you've decided on one, ask God if it is right.  Then act on the answer.  If the answer is yes, do it.  If the answer is no, or you feel like you get no answer, go back and learn more - maybe you need to tweak it a little, maybe you need to choose another.

It doesn't have to take years - you don't need to know every little detail, just the basic facts - if you moved, what would that mean?  Brainstorm.  List every question you'd have to answer first, every good and bad thing you can imagine about the prep, process, and arrival in the new location - you're basically making a list of what you know, the resources you would need (not where they'll come from, just that you'd need them), and what you know you'd need to figure out (you don't necessarily have to figure it all out right now, just know what you'd have to if you chose that option).

All that sounds like whopping tons of work / effort, and I assume it will be, but I cannot imagine something more deserving of the effort.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hi LePeel,

I, honestly, am not sure what type of advice you are looking for; however, here are my thoughts pertaining to the situation provided:

1) There must needs be opposition in all things, in this case the option to serve in relation to the option of dating (eventually leading to marriage)

2) As you are just thinking about dating, this doesn't mean marriage will happen within the year, within two years, etc... So the time scale you have provided for serving a mission, might be the same time scale for marriage.

3) Although I was younger, we had missionaries who were older. If a person magnifies serving a mission, this will provide them with experiences (as they come unto Christ) that they otherwise would not have received, which would bless them, their future spouse, their future family. Serving a mission will not leave you homeless and single (I understand your point, just clarifying also).

4) Make a decision, and then pray, and trust in the Lord's answer no matter the choice you make.

5) This is obviously a decision between two goods, they tend to be the hardest. When the Lord answers, and you obey, this is always the best scenario for our lives.

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Quote

 I was feeling kind of eager to try my hand at dating again, but then the thought came to me that if I was married I couldn't serve a mission.

You can; you just have to wait until you are older.  Just food for thought.  

Quote

I may end up being 28, 29, or even 30 by the time I'm married.

Maybe, but in many ways, the longer you wait the harder it can be to find a mate.  

Edited by Scott
Link to comment
Share on other sites

The advantage of being a male is... you don't have to worry about biological clocks.

So, after prayer you feel impressed upon to serve then I say, present yourself to the bishop for mission eligibility, file the application, and the rest will work itself out in 2 years.

About your GED... the number of college degreed millenials out of work tells you your GED is not the problem.  There are PLENTY of trade schools that can get you certified to do some good stuff depending on your innate skills and interests.  A friend of mine just got done with a 9-month trade school on massage therapy and is now doing her own home-based business doing such.  There's A+ certificates you can get in a few weeks/months of training to learn to work on computer repair, etc. etc. 

Don't tie yourself down to "what everybody else is doing".  Rather, think more of - what do I want to do with my life -, then find creative paths to it.

So, I've been getting obsessed with Tiny House and happened on this young couple - a kindergarten teacher and... hmm... can't remember what the guy was, I think he was a home repair guy but not sure - with 2 year old twin boys living in Seattle.  Before the twins were born, they used to go travel to music festivals.  It's their passion.  So then they got married and got the 2 boys and for 2 years, they lived what everybody else did as a young couple with children.  Seattle was getting expensive and they haven't gone on a single music festival and things were just not working out.  So the couple sat down and took stock of what exactly it is they wanted to do.  Then they found a way to make it happen.  Raising twins was, of course, on the top of the list and music festivals was 2nd.  So, they sold their house, moved to a 30 foot Tiny House, got a big truck to pull it and off they went.

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Just serve a mission, adjust your mind when you get home ( almost all women will look attractive, after a few months of being home this will go away) ,get back to work and get back into school if you want. Your age isn't a problem. Your life will still be hard and you may even feel more "behind" your peers than before but who cares. Who are you comparing yourself to? That's right, just you. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

3 hours ago, Overwatch said:

Just serve a mission, adjust your mind when you get home ( almost all women will look attractive, after a few months of being home this will go away) ,get back to work and get back into school if you want. Your age isn't a problem. Your life will still be hard and you may even feel more "behind" your peers than before but who cares. Who are you comparing yourself to? That's right, just you. 

it's not that I'm comparing myself to my peers, it's that I'm concerned about my ability to support a family, which I could work on rather than go on a mission.

Edited by LePeel
Link to comment
Share on other sites

2 minutes ago, LePeel said:

it's not that I'm comparing myself to my peers, it's that I'm concerned about my ability to support a family, wish I could work on rather than go on a mission.

Will that matter if you marry a doctor? I dated a doctor as a blue collar worker (we broke up because of distance and me being dumb) I think you'll be just fine to be honest and when I say fine the Lord will keep you alive and bless you with what makes you happy 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Currently, the average marrying age in the US is 29 for men.  If you marry by the time you are 27, you're still younger than average in comparison

:unsure:

I think the bigger thing to think about is that most of those who are on their missions currently are 18-19 year olds.  You will be a great deal more mature than most of those out there.

If you think you can deal with that and still want to go, put in your papers.

As for wondering about your ability to support a family, that is a noble goal.  That will need to be addressed whether you go on a mission or not.  To tackle this, decide WHAT you want to do in life.  Write down steps that you need to take to get there.  If it is attending college, that may be something that could take a while, and you may want to tackle that instead of a mission.  If you want to do a trade school, that is an excellent mesh with a mission itself.  Perhaps there is another route you want to take.

I think Zil had the best advice of praying and asking the Lord.  Her post is an excellent one to follow in finding out what path you should follow, whether it is deciding to serve a mission, or what career to aim for, or many other things in life.

An alternate that you could do would enable you to do both at the same time.  You could ask the Stake President to serve a local mission.  These can be full time, OR they can be part time.  If you served as a service missionary for 8 hours a week (aka...a day a week) that also enables you to work on getting an education at the same time.  You would still be held to your responsibilities as a missionary and missionary rules in that regards, but you'd also have the freedom to either go to school or work.  This is an option that many young people decide to go with these days and it could be one that you might also consider.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

4 hours ago, LePeel said:

I need some serious advice about a serious topic. Here's the rundown. I'm a 24 year old male, I was ordained to the Aaronic Priesthood this year. Shortly thereafter, at work, I find myself thinking about marriage and dating (par for the course.) I was feeling kind of eager to try my hand at dating again, but then the thought came to me that if I was married I couldn't serve a mission. Such a thought I found strange because I had never seriously considered going on a mission, it must've been inspiration. A couple more things of that kind happened and I determined I ought to go on a mission. 

Now, here's the where my concerns are. I'm 24 years old and by the time I actually get into the mission and complete it, I'll be like 26 or 27. At this point I will desire to find a wife. Problem: this probably won't happen in an instant. I may end up being 28, 29, or even 30 by the time I'm married. I'm worried about the biological clock, me or her being too old to adapt to married life as well as if we were younger, and the fact that, at this point, I have no education beyond a GED. Basically, I'm at a vulnerable time to just pack up and go on a mission. I trust God, and I'd be fine living single and homeless for the rest of my days as a result of this mission. 

Anyways, I need some serious advice, 

A couple thoughts. 

1) there was an elder on my mission that served in the army and special forces. He was 25 when he started his mission. Wasn’t even a question for him, he knew he was going to serve.

2) there are a ton of Elder’s serving that are older than 24 right now.

3) We are commanded thatball worthy makes should prepare for a mission. You are not excluded from that :) and often times coverts offer a unique perspective to the work.

4) God does not want any of us to be homeless and single x) that life style goes contrary to what he teaches about work and self reliance

5) A lot of people like to diagnose themselves as “worthy”, “able” or if the commandment to serve a mission applies to the. I don’t think anyone is in a place to make that decision. Talk to your bishop and be honest with him. If along the process of serving a mission the church leadership says you are unfit (be it worthiness, mental ability, or physical ability) they will tell you. And there is NO shame or guilt that should follow along with this scenario. But there is an amount of personal guilt that will follow if you choose not to serve. You will live out your life in this church and every general conference hear the prophets and apostles speak of the importance of serving missions. I say this not to guilt trip you into a mission, but just to for-warn you. A mission is VERY important and YOU should not be the deciding factor to not serve. Let the option to not serve fall on your leaders, as far as you are concerned, you should commit to a mission.

Some may say I am acting out of ideals or that I am being inconsiderate of those who are not as emotionally sound as I am, or that i am not taking into consideration those with extenuating circumstances. To them I say, let the church be the judge, not us, as to whether we are fit to serve or not. I say go on a mission :) you will do so much good and become and incredible saint. Lastly... those that go on missions often time have an increased resilience in the gospel (there are MANY exceptions to this of course). This is an unpopular truth, but a truth non-the-less. I’m not saying you can’t become a resilient member of the church without a mission, I’m saying that a mission often times is a deciding factor.

Edited by Fether
Link to comment
Share on other sites

4 hours ago, LePeel said:

it's not that I'm comparing myself to my peers, it's that I'm concerned about my ability to support a family, which I could work on rather than go on a mission.

Can you buy a modest property before you go on a mission? Rent it out while you are gone, get your parents or a real estate agent to look after the tenants and inspections, then at least you have some financial security to come back to?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

7 hours ago, LePeel said:

I need some serious advice about a serious topic. Here's the rundown. I'm a 24 year old male, I was ordained to the Aaronic Priesthood this year. Shortly thereafter, at work, I find myself thinking about marriage and dating (par for the course.) I was feeling kind of eager to try my hand at dating again, but then the thought came to me that if I was married I couldn't serve a mission. Such a thought I found strange because I had never seriously considered going on a mission, it must've been inspiration. A couple more things of that kind happened and I determined I ought to go on a mission. 

Now, here's the where my concerns are. I'm 24 years old and by the time I actually get into the mission and complete it, I'll be like 26 or 27. At this point I will desire to find a wife. Problem: this probably won't happen in an instant. I may end up being 28, 29, or even 30 by the time I'm married. I'm worried about the biological clock, me or her being too old to adapt to married life as well as if we were younger, and the fact that, at this point, I have no education beyond a GED. Basically, I'm at a vulnerable time to just pack up and go on a mission. I trust God, and I'd be fine living single and homeless for the rest of my days as a result of this mission. 

Anyways, I need some serious advice, 

Get married at 30, then.  You'll still be way ahead of me.  Follow your prompting and let Heavenly Father take care of the rest.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Guest MormonGator

Want to know a dirty little secret? The younger you are when you get married, the higher the chances are that your marriage will end in divorce. I seriously don't understand the LDS culture when it comes to marrying so young. 

Chill. You aren't 24 going on 65. People are getting married much older these days. You have plenty of time to do what you want to do then get married at a later age. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

2 hours ago, MormonGator said:

Want to know a dirty little secret? The younger you are when you get married, the higher the chances are that your marriage will end in divorce. I seriously don't understand the LDS culture when it comes to marrying so young. 

Chill. You aren't 24 going on 65. People are getting married much older these days. You have plenty of time to do what you want to do then get married at a later age. 

I agree with the info but not the advice.

And it isn’t just culture saying to get married, it’s the Prophets and Apostles. But they are offering different advice than culture.

Prophets: Don’t wait for education and a well paying job to get married

Culture: Don’t wait to find the right person to get married

prophets: Your spouse doesn’t need to be perfect, you can work on things together.

Culture: Your spouse doesn’t need standards, you can fix them

Prophets: Prepare yourself spiritually so you can be the right person

Culture: As long as you say you love each other everything will work out.

I dated a girl for 2 months, she had so many amazing qualities and was completely active in church and the gospel. She had one glaring issue and that was she got frustrated easily and would take it out on me. She refused to see this. I broke up with her cause I knew I couldn’t live with that. 

In contrast, My wife and I dated less than 2 months, I knew her a year on our 5 month anniversary. We have a 4 month old and plans to try for another in 5 months. While we knew each other we were very upfront about our strengths, desires, weaknesses, and expectations. I picked her apart, not to compare or judge her, but to make sure she was the kind of person I wanted to spend eternity with. We went to couples counseling for a few months to work through some minor difficulties for a few months (Divorce wasn’t anywhere near our minds, we just knew we needed help).

life is fantastic now. The issue isn’t getting married young, it’s not being ready for marriage and having unrealistic expectations. 

All that being said, you are so right. Waiting 2 years does not exclude you or even make dating difficult. You have plenty of time. A mission should always come first

Edited by Fether
Link to comment
Share on other sites

9 hours ago, LePeel said:

I need some serious advice about a serious topic. Here's the rundown. I'm a 24 year old male, I was ordained to the Aaronic Priesthood this year. Shortly thereafter, at work, I find myself thinking about marriage and dating (par for the course.) I was feeling kind of eager to try my hand at dating again, but then the thought came to me that if I was married I couldn't serve a mission. Such a thought I found strange because I had never seriously considered going on a mission, it must've been inspiration. A couple more things of that kind happened and I determined I ought to go on a mission. 

Now, here's the where my concerns are. I'm 24 years old and by the time I actually get into the mission and complete it, I'll be like 26 or 27. At this point I will desire to find a wife. Problem: this probably won't happen in an instant. I may end up being 28, 29, or even 30 by the time I'm married. I'm worried about the biological clock, me or her being too old to adapt to married life as well as if we were younger, and the fact that, at this point, I have no education beyond a GED. Basically, I'm at a vulnerable time to just pack up and go on a mission. I trust God, and I'd be fine living single and homeless for the rest of my days as a result of this mission. 

Anyways, I need some serious advice, 

Like Anddenex, I'm not sure what the question actually is.  But I'll just blather for a bit and see what sticks.

1) While not a hard and fast rule, the guideline oft quoted for mission age is 25 years old.  If you can't go to the temple by that time, then I personally wouldn't go.  But each person is different. And I've known two or three that were older than that (not senior missionaries) that did go anyway.

2) Did you receive inspiration to go?  I don't know.  That's between you and the Lord and no one else.

3) I wouldn't worry too much about the biological clock.  I've known a man who joined the Church well into his career and married in the temple when he was around 40 years old.  He had a child. And that child is now on a mission.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

12 hours ago, LePeel said:

Interesting, could you elaborate?

First, let me reiterate that this is a very personal choice.  And inspiration from the Lord trumps all.  Just verify that it truly was inspiration rather than an interesting coincidence.

I am somewhat OCD about schedules.  In my mind there is a window of time that one is to go on a mission.  No, this is not doctrinal.  No, there are no rules stating such.  But that's the way it is in my mind.  And I believe, culturally, that is kinda how many people see it -- even if they are not as OCD as I am about it.

So, while the altruistic reasons for me going on a mission were present, the timing was all about the schedule.  I didn't pray for, nor did I receive, any guidance on WHEN I was supposed to go.  I just had a schedule, and I was going to go.

Now, applying it to your case, I don't understand why you believe it will take three years (you said you were 24 and could be 27 by the time you go).  Why can't you go one year after your baptism?

No, the Lord does not require you to be homeless and single the rest of your life.  I don't see why that would happen. 

As I said, I knew a man who had a very happy marriage later in life.  My brother-in-law was 30 when he met a woman to marry while he was divorced with kids.  So, if you don't have that baggage at 29, your chances are still good.  I don't know why you think you'd be homeless.  Many people take a sabbatical from their careers at different points in their lives.  So, elaborate?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Guest LiterateParakeet

LePeel, my husband was 33 when we married, I was 28.  We have five children.  :)  So it's doable.  That's the first thing.

The second thing is that the coolest things have happened in my life when I take a leap of faith...when I follow a prompting like yours even though I don't know for sure how it will all work out.  I've come to look forward to these experiences!  


 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

1 hour ago, Carborendum said:

First, let me reiterate that this is a very personal choice.  And inspiration from the Lord trumps all.  Just verify that it truly was inspiration rather than an interesting coincidence.

I am somewhat OCD about schedules.  In my mind there is a window of time that one is to go on a mission.  No, this is not doctrinal.  No, there are no rules stating such.  But that's the way it is in my mind.  And I believe, culturally, that is kinda how many people see it -- even if they are not as OCD as I am about it.

So, while the altruistic reasons for me going on a mission were present, the timing was all about the schedule.  I didn't pray for, nor did I receive, any guidance on WHEN I was supposed to go.  I just had a schedule, and I was going to go.

Now, applying it to your case, I don't understand why you believe it will take three years (you said you were 24 and could be 27 by the time you go).  Why can't you go one year after your baptism?

No, the Lord does not require you to be homeless and single the rest of your life.  I don't see why that would happen. 

As I said, I knew a man who had a very happy marriage later in life.  My brother-in-law was 30 when he met a woman to marry while he was divorced with kids.  So, if you don't have that baggage at 29, your chances are still good.  I don't know why you think you'd be homeless.  Many people take a sabbatical from their careers at different points in their lives.  So, elaborate?

I should clarify,  I'm not a convert. I clocked out of life at age 15, got addicted to porn and World of Warcraft, sat in my room until I was 23. That's why I was ordained a Priest at 24. 

When I talk about being homeless, I don't actually believe I'll be homeless. I'm saying that if serving the mission would leave me homeless and single for the rest of my mortal days, I would do it anyway.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

1 minute ago, LePeel said:

I should clarify,  I'm not a convert. I clocked out of life at age 15, got addicted to porn and World of Warcraft, sat in my room until I was 23. That's why I was ordained a Priest at 24. 

When I talk about being homeless, I don't actually believe I'll be homeless. I'm saying that if serving the mission would leave me homeless and single for the rest of my mortal days, I would do it anyway.

Well, I'd say that your choice to turn your life around is a good one.  As for going or not going on a mission, it's your choice to be made very prayerfully.  Forget about the rules or other people's expectations, or what your own expectations are. 

Just ask the Lord what your path should be.  Then do it.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

38 minutes ago, LePeel said:

I should clarify,  I'm not a convert. I clocked out of life at age 15, got addicted to porn and World of Warcraft, sat in my room until I was 23. That's why I was ordained a Priest at 24. 

When I talk about being homeless, I don't actually believe I'll be homeless. I'm saying that if serving the mission would leave me homeless and single for the rest of my mortal days, I would do it anyway.

I have been somewhat your opposite.  I joined the army at age 17 (finished high school in the army) and got a special release to serve a mission.  I was quite active dating (except while on my mission) and there was a young lady that waited form my while I served a mission and active duty - but when I returned it did not work out (mostly my fault).

As a side note - we may not think of a Traveler as homeless but rather someone away, maybe even far away, from home.  Sometimes we are away from home because of duty and sometimes because we are lost.  It appears that you were lost for a while  but are now found - and being found, hear duty calling.  If you lose track of duty you will always be lost.  One last note of advice - should you decide that your duty is to serve a mission - it is likely that you will meet a lady that will cause you to question a mission duty.  It is wise once you resolve to fulfill a duty - that you follow through with that duty - unless you determine it to not really a worth while duty for you and prevents the possibility of a higher duty.

 

The Traveler

Edited by Traveler
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I served a mission at age 25.  I made it a matter f fasting and prayer to know if I should go.  In fact I received a very strong answer to go, the memory of which was sometimes the only reason I was able to stick it out.

 

My MTC companion was 24, a relief for me and for him that our ages were so similar.  And yeah...being around such young (sometimes so obviously young...) people was frustrating but also it was inspiring to see how we could all experience miracles and God's support.  

 

Upon returning home I was 27 and went to start, yes start, my post secondary education. I happened to find a house full of guys my own age who were also in school or starting careers but most importantly active members.  I went into the ysa ward actually wanting to avoid dating.  On my mission I had the chance to attend a temple wedding and the seriousness of it all dispelled a lot of silly romantic notions I had about marriage.  I really wanted to take my time.  Of course..I was engaged 7 months later lol.  It was very ironic since all my roommates wanted to date and find someone and were struggling.  I was heckled a bit, but it was again a matter of fasting and prayer to choose to marry my wife.

 

The point I am trying to make is that it is okay to be a missionary at 24, and give 2 years to God as a missionary.  I found that I did not feel those 2 years were wasted or bad timing, nor did they prevent me at all from finding a good partner.  Quite the opposite because I matured so much as far as my devotion to Christ and as a person in general.  

Link to comment
Share on other sites

A 26 year old missionary elder and I got to sit and talk awhile- he had lived a wild and hard life when he was a teenager and into his 20's.... he didn't want to stop. But then he kept getting these feelings that he needed to get his life together and go on a mission.  He got it together (which took awhile) and had to get special permission from upper Church leaders, and he went on his mission.   He didn't know what the urgency of a mission was for him..... he only knew that it was very important for the Lord to send him. He said that he didn't know what he was going to do when he completed his mission. But he knew something would work out for him. For the moment he was doing what the Lord wanted him to do.   

 I don't remember this Elder's name, but I will always remember our talk.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

Loading...
 Share