Moral support/advice needed (chastity)


AnonBYUstudent
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Here is the story in a nutshell:

I'm a BYU student with 2 years under my belt and 2.5 years to go. I'm an RM and endowed member. This summer I wasn't at BYU but rather was working at an out of state job that kept me working 7 days a week (meaning no church attendance for the whole length of the summer). During the entire summer I didn't pay tithing either, and slowly stopped reading the Book of Mormon as well. At the same time, I got a girlfriend (one of my co-workers) who is not a member, but basically what others would call a "dry mormon". We hit it off really well, and I very much love her and would love for her to be my wife someday. The only hangup is that I would like to share the gospel with her before that point because it's something important to me and something that I really want to share with the person that might be my lifelong (and hopefully eternal) companion. I honestly can't see myself being with someone else. Here's my difficult situation however: Just before I went back to school (she is remaining out of state, but we will be visiting once a month or more) we had sex. It was entirely consensual and I didn't regret it too much at the time, though I knew it was wrong (I'd say I was more or less spiritually desensitized). As soon as I got back to BYU again however and remembered what it meant to fully live the gospel/felt the spirit here and realized how far I had slipped (and how quickly) I felt (and still feel) very guilty. I'd like to talk to a Bishop because I still love her and want to make things right, and I know I can't honestly share the gospel from my current position but since I broke my temple covenants, it would seem that the most likely punishment would be disfellowshipment (or if more extreme, then excommmunication), either of which I would be willing to work through to come back to full membership. What that means however is that I would lose my ecclesiastical endorsement to BYU and could not come back until the end of my probationary period (if at all). Of that, and of the other potential consequences, I am terrified. I want to make things right, but I can't imagine having school postponed for an entire year (or indefinetely) and how I could possibly sort that out at all. Just looking for some help/advice/motivational support here and thank you for all your comments.

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Guest MormonGator

Brother, I can't offer you any advice aside from "talk to your bishop". Just know that we all make mistakes-sometimes serious ones, and even though we do, God still loves us and always wants us to return to His heavenly grasp. 

Sending love and prayers my friend. 

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FWIW, I knew people at BYU (10+ years ago) who were on probation with their bishops but held an ecclesiastical endorsement.  So, not all hope is lost.  But, the big thing is to get right with the Lord and the Church, whatever the cost.

And FWIW—I remember when I was at BYU I thought having to discontinue studies would be the worst thing imaginable.  But in the grand scheme of things, it really isn’t such a terrible thing to take a semester or two off, work, save up some (more?) money, and then dive back into your studies.  May leave you with less student debt overall than if you had chugged straight through.  

Edited by Just_A_Guy
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31 minutes ago, AnonBYUstudent said:

I'd like to talk to a Bishop because I still love her and want to make things right, and I know I can't honestly share the gospel from my current position but since I broke my temple covenants, it would seem that the most likely punishment would be disfellowshipment (or if more extreme, then excommmunication), either of which I would be willing to work through to come back to full membership. 

Talk to your bishop and quit worrying about "what if"s.  I assure you, you won't be the first person in his office about LoC violations, probably not even the first that week.  He knows BYU endorsements way better than any of us, and will get you set back to the path of righteousness.  Don't let this mess and fears fester any longer- call him NOW.  

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3 minutes ago, Jane_Doe said:

Talk to your bishop and quit worrying about "what if"s.  I assure you, you won't be the first person in his office about LoC violations, probably not even the first that week.  He knows BYU endorsements way better than any of us, and will get you set back to the path of righteousness.  Don't let this mess and fears fester any longer- call him NOW.  

Great point. He's a bishop. He's heard it all before, especially at a college! Heck, it's like being bishop at a prison. 😉

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41 minutes ago, AnonBYUstudent said:

Here is the story in a nutshell:

I'm a BYU student with 2 years under my belt and 2.5 years to go. I'm an RM and endowed member. This summer I wasn't at BYU but rather was working at an out of state job that kept me working 7 days a week (meaning no church attendance for the whole length of the summer). During the entire summer I didn't pay tithing either, and slowly stopped reading the Book of Mormon as well. At the same time, I got a girlfriend (one of my co-workers) who is not a member, but basically what others would call a "dry mormon". We hit it off really well, and I very much love her and would love for her to be my wife someday. The only hangup is that I would like to share the gospel with her before that point because it's something important to me and something that I really want to share with the person that might be my lifelong (and hopefully eternal) companion. I honestly can't see myself being with someone else. Here's my difficult situation however: Just before I went back to school (she is remaining out of state, but we will be visiting once a month or more) we had sex. It was entirely consensual and I didn't regret it too much at the time, though I knew it was wrong (I'd say I was more or less spiritually desensitized). As soon as I got back to BYU again however and remembered what it meant to fully live the gospel/felt the spirit here and realized how far I had slipped (and how quickly) I felt (and still feel) very guilty. I'd like to talk to a Bishop because I still love her and want to make things right, and I know I can't honestly share the gospel from my current position but since I broke my temple covenants, it would seem that the most likely punishment would be disfellowshipment (or if more extreme, then excommmunication), either of which I would be willing to work through to come back to full membership. What that means however is that I would lose my ecclesiastical endorsement to BYU and could not come back until the end of my probationary period (if at all). Of that, and of the other potential consequences, I am terrified. I want to make things right, but I can't imagine having school postponed for an entire year (or indefinetely) and how I could possibly sort that out at all. Just looking for some help/advice/motivational support here and thank you for all your comments.

Tell your girlfriend about your religious beliefs and how much they mean to you and stop having pre-marital sex.  I don't understand why you would have to leave school for confessing a sin to your bishop, seems a bit harsh.  If you are that worried about your education being jeopardised maybe just repent quietly on your own.  But tell your girlfriend you think pre-marital sex was a mistake and you really want something more meaningful with her.  She might welcome the idea to learn about your faith

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30 minutes ago, VelvetShadow said:

maybe just repent quietly on your own

No, @AnonBYUstudent, don't try this.  The sin of fornication is too serious and must be confessed to the bishop.  Please trust in the Lord, that His way will bring about the best result in the end.  It will be OK.  In fact, it will start to get better as soon as you confess to your bishop, regardless of how long or difficult the path may or may not be.  Please don't wait - the longer you wait, the harder it will be.  Call / text and set the appointment now.

@VelvetShadow, as you aren't a member, you would have no way of knowing the above, but it's not conditional - some sins require the Lord's representative to help us through the repentance process, and in the case of sin, that's the bishop.

Edited by zil
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3 hours ago, zil said:

No, @AnonBYUstudent, don't try this.  The sin of fornication is too serious and must be confessed to the bishop.  Please trust in the Lord, that His way will bring about the best result in the end.  It will be OK.  In fact, it will start to get better as soon as you confess to your bishop, regardless of how long or difficult the path may or may not be.  Please don't wait - the longer you wait, the harder it will be.  Call / text and set the appointment now.

@VelvetShadow, as you aren't a member, you would have no way of knowing the above, but it's not conditional - some sins require the Lord's representative to help us through the repentance process, and in the case of sin, that's the bishop.

Sorry if I said the wrong thing, I just didn't want this young man to lose his education because of one mistake.

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5 minutes ago, VelvetShadow said:

Sorry if I said the wrong thing, I just didn't want this young man to lose his education because of one mistake.

They are not losing their education. If in this circumstance BYU decides to pull their endorsement for attending the university, they have many other school options available to them to continue their schooling that don't require that specific type of endorsement.

The BYU Honor Code is signed by all students attending BYU before they start their studies, which entails agreeing to the codes of conduct within it. When broken, it could potentially result in losing your endorsement to attend the university for a time being. You break the rules, you have to deal with the consequences.

In this individual's situation, there is no guarantee that they will lose their endorsement. But if that be the case, their education is not lost. 

Edited by BeccaKirstyn
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1 minute ago, VelvetShadow said:

Sorry if I said the wrong thing, I just didn't want this young man to lose his education because of one mistake.

I understand.  And we all sympathize with his struggle and fears, but his soul is far more valuable than missing a semester or term of college.  His fear may drive him to make matters worse, and trying to keep this sin to himself would indeed make things worse.  He needed to know that you are not a member (so that he wouldn't feel like there was disagreement in Church policy or doctrine regarding what he should do - policy and doctrine are more than clear on this one).

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@AnonBYUstudent  

Respectfully said (since you can't hear my voice)

You clearly realize you've done messed up. You promised before God, Angels and witnesses that you would not have sexual relations with anyone outside the legal bonds of marriage... and you broke that promise. You found a beautiful woman who you say is very righteous considering her not being a member of the church. Then instead of helping draw closer to God you took her without the blessing of Heavenly Father. You went against the teachings you taught to your investigators for 24 months. Now you are "terrified" about losing your ecclesiastical endorsement because you broke the BYU Honor Code? (on top of it all)

Chico, just go to your bishop. Time to 'fess up and own your unauthorized romp in the hay. If you lose your Bishop's endorsement then you have a story for your kids to help them to make wiser decisions. If the Lord grants you mercy then make the proper changes (I hope this happens)

Either way I send you my best wishes and a speedy spiritual recovery. 

 

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Promises made in the Temple are more than just promises - he covenanted with the Lord. in other words, he made a contract with the Lord. covenant. Literally, a contract. In the Bible (see also Bible), an agreement between God and his people, in which God makes promises to his people and, usually, requires certain conduct from them. In the Old Testament, God made agreements with Noah, Abraham, and Moses.

He broke that contract. If he is sincere in coming Clean to the Lord, he needs to confess to the Bishop and follow what he says to do on his road to repentance.

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9 hours ago, VelvetShadow said:

Sorry if I said the wrong thing, I just didn't want this young man to lose his education because of one mistake.

For this subject there are some things you need to understand in order to follow.

BYU is a private school ran by the Church.  The Church subsidizes the tuition making it very cheap (Compared to other Universities).  The Church does this because Education (Both spiritual and worldly) are important to it.

Because it is private and because the Church puts so much money into it... It also has a say on who can attend.  It requires all students to live by the Honor Code (which includes the Law of Chasity among other things) and get (and keep) an ecclesiastical endorsement.  This applies equally to non members and members, and these expectations (requirements) are well established before a student takes any classes.

Because of this I really do not have much sympathy for those that complain about the system BYU has.  Everyone knows what they are getting into and agrees to it.

Having said that I have a great deal of sympathy for those that made a mistake and suddenly find a lot of what they worked for in jeopardy.  But in many ways such a crisis is part of their spiritual education.  Where is their real priorities?  What does their integrity mean to them?  How strong is their Faith?  What is their understanding of Repentance?  This is a class I (and many other here) really hope they do not fail... Even though there is no grade given by BYU for it.

 

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13 hours ago, AnonBYUstudent said:

Here is the story in a nutshell:

I'm a BYU student with 2 years under my belt and 2.5 years to go. I'm an RM and endowed member. This summer I wasn't at BYU but rather was working at an out of state job that kept me working 7 days a week (meaning no church attendance for the whole length of the summer). During the entire summer I didn't pay tithing either, and slowly stopped reading the Book of Mormon as well. At the same time, I got a girlfriend (one of my co-workers) who is not a member, but basically what others would call a "dry mormon". We hit it off really well, and I very much love her and would love for her to be my wife someday. The only hangup is that I would like to share the gospel with her before that point because it's something important to me and something that I really want to share with the person that might be my lifelong (and hopefully eternal) companion. I honestly can't see myself being with someone else. Here's my difficult situation however: Just before I went back to school (she is remaining out of state, but we will be visiting once a month or more) we had sex. It was entirely consensual and I didn't regret it too much at the time, though I knew it was wrong (I'd say I was more or less spiritually desensitized). As soon as I got back to BYU again however and remembered what it meant to fully live the gospel/felt the spirit here and realized how far I had slipped (and how quickly) I felt (and still feel) very guilty. I'd like to talk to a Bishop because I still love her and want to make things right, and I know I can't honestly share the gospel from my current position but since I broke my temple covenants, it would seem that the most likely punishment would be disfellowshipment (or if more extreme, then excommmunication), either of which I would be willing to work through to come back to full membership. What that means however is that I would lose my ecclesiastical endorsement to BYU and could not come back until the end of my probationary period (if at all). Of that, and of the other potential consequences, I am terrified. I want to make things right, but I can't imagine having school postponed for an entire year (or indefinetely) and how I could possibly sort that out at all. Just looking for some help/advice/motivational support here and thank you for all your comments.

Both spiritually and academically, the best thing for you to do is to confess to your bishop. You will probably be suspended from BYU for at least a semester, though that is the honor code office's decision.

Not wanting to interrupt your schooling for a year is understandable. Refusing to address what you have done is fraud, in the moral if not the legal sense, and compounds your mistake. You are currently attending BYU under false pretenses, not really all that different from going to the temple when you're guilty of fornication. Get your moral life straightened out, whatever it takes, then worry about the rest.

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13 hours ago, VelvetShadow said:

I don't understand why you would have to leave school for confessing a sin to your bishop, seems a bit harsh.  If you are that worried about your education being jeopardised maybe just repent quietly on your own.

You might seriously consider refraining from commenting about things you don't understand.

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Guest MormonGator
On 9/5/2018 at 9:30 AM, Vort said:

You might seriously consider refraining from commenting about things you don't understand.

If you took that advice @Vort, it would mean you couldn't comment on anything. 

(it's a joke people)

Edited by MormonGator
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10 hours ago, BeccaKirstyn said:

They are not losing their education. If in this circumstance BYU decides to pull their endorsement for attending the university, they have many other school options available to them to continue their schooling that don't require that specific type of endorsement.

Plus, a BYU student in this situation who sincerely repents can always come back to BYU in a semester or two. In effect, they are suspended from school, not expelled.

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Resolved; I have an appointment to meet with the Bishop on Sunday and I was able to explain the need for abstinence to my girlfriend and she very lovingly agreed to be able to live up to that with me. Once she settles down a little here in a month from all her travels (and I'm less spiritually hypocritical) I hope to be able to share the gospel in it's entirety with her. Thank you for all your support, and pray for the best outcomes in her accepting the gospel please. I love this gospel, and know this is going to be difficult, but it'll be worth it.

 

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28 minutes ago, AnonBYUstudent said:

Resolved; I have an appointment to meet with the Bishop on Sunday and I was able to explain the need for abstinence to my girlfriend and she very lovingly agreed to be able to live up to that with me. Once she settles down a little here in a month from all her travels (and I'm less spiritually hypocritical) I hope to be able to share the gospel in it's entirety with her. Thank you for all your support, and pray for the best outcomes in her accepting the gospel please. I love this gospel, and know this is going to be difficult, but it'll be worth it.

 

Keep us updated! God bless you! 

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23 minutes ago, VelvetShadow said:

I am allowed to have an opinion and I am allowed to give that opinion in an open forum.  Freedom of speech is a real thing 😀

Not when it is giving advice that is contrary to our beliefs.

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11 hours ago, VelvetShadow said:

I am allowed to have an opinion and I am allowed to give that opinion in an open forum.  Freedom of speech is a real thing 😀

 

10 hours ago, pam said:

Not when it is giving advice that is contrary to our beliefs.

 

Freedom to ban is also a real thing.  Pam is not an agent of the US government unless she's deep cover CIA... oh, wait... 

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20 hours ago, AnonBYUstudent said:

Resolved; I have an appointment to meet with the Bishop on Sunday and I was able to explain the need for abstinence to my girlfriend and she very lovingly agreed to be able to live up to that with me. Once she settles down a little here in a month from all her travels (and I'm less spiritually hypocritical) I hope to be able to share the gospel in it's entirety with her. Thank you for all your support, and pray for the best outcomes in her accepting the gospel please. I love this gospel, and know this is going to be difficult, but it'll be worth it.

 

Good man.  You’ll be in my prayers.

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