Want to be released from RS President calling

[Brie]

Hi All,

This is my first post on this forum so bear with me. 

I am the Relief Society president in my YSA ward. I have had the calling for about 7 months now. I accepted the calling with quite a bit of hesitancy - I am not typically the personality that you would think of when it comes to the job. I enjoy dark, irreverent humor and I am often described as an odd duck. I like it that way. However, I had been endowed a couple of months prior and felt I was on a spiritual high, and I thought I could be a great resource to the girls in the ward as I am a good listener and I'm pretty good at being nonjudgmental. I also felt very close to my Bishop that I would be serving with.

The day I was sustained, it was announced that there would be a new bishopric. Okay, no big deal - I will support my leadership and I'm sure they'll do wonderfully. We got along alright, especially with the counselors. However, over time Bishop and I started butting heads. In order for me to be sane in this calling, I wanted to be ME. My own best version of RS president. However, he had a different vision - he wanted me to be a very cookie cutter version of myself, doing things in a way he was familiar with.

I struggled, but I believe I was called for a reason. I was motivated to do good by my ward and by the Lord. A LOT of things in my life started changing though. I had been dating a guy long-distance that I had met on Mutual (Mormon dating app) before even getting the calling, but it started getting more serious. In addition, I got my first big girl job (which as someone with MAJOR job anxiety was a HUGE deal for me), and life just got busy. I started enjoying church less and less, because Ward Council would always end on a very sour note. I became FAR less engaged in the ward than I had been, except for a few very close friends. But I continued to trek on in the calling. I did what needed to be done. I reached out to those I felt prompted to. 

But. For the past good while, I have felt COMPLETELY disengaged from this calling. I want so badly to salvage my testimony, but I feel so overwhelmed by the responsibilities of it all. In addition, I have been struggling with issues that I struggled with when I was inactive. To much lesser degrees, but still. It's a vicious cycle - I felt a disconnect from the gospel despite this wonderful calling, so I'd make choices that pushed me farther away, then I'd feel even farther away, etc etc.

In addition, because of my past inactivity, my family (who I live with) always assumes that if I make one little mistake or do something they disapprove of, I must be committing horrible sins, because I have in the past... But I have repented of those sins. It hurts to see the lack of trust. For example, when I visited my boyfriend, they assumed that we were breaking the law of chastity and being irresponsible. Simply not the case. 

Anyway, this is so rambling, I apologize. I'll get to the point. At this time in my life, I am struggling with my calling and I honestly believe it is harming my relationship with the gospel. I also know I am not making the best choices, but it's nothing that would call for me to be released. It still is hard to deal with with all the added pressure however. I just feel as if I'm being forced into a little box and it makes me want to punch my way out and run away! But I don't want to leave. I want to remain active and good and faithful. But in my position, it is so hard. Also, the fact that I've had several quite negative run-ins with my bishop, as well as hearing him talk about others in their failures/faults, does not make me comfortable expressing all of this to him. At. All. 

Basically I'm a hot mess. The only person I've expressed all this to is my boyfriend. But he's probably sick of hearing it and I'd love to hear what you guys have to say. Thanks.

[Just_A_Guy]

No advice, but lots of good vibes for whatever that may be worth.

[Sunday21]

I am not sure what to say. I wish you the best. Sometimes in a job - a calling is a type of job - you have to do things as your boss wants you to do them. I would try to please the bishop, put more work onto your counsellors if possible, try to streamline things a bit, be less ego involved by which I mean there are many ways to be RS president...which way is most pragmatic in this situation? Good luck! 

[Jane_Doe]

As one odd duck to another: I would love you as a RS president, especially back when I was a YSA.  I can't tell you how much pressure I've seemingly felt from other people because I'm 1) not some wannabe stay-at-home mom, 2) I'm not girly-- like I don't even own make up, 3) I spend all of RS doing soduku and inventing math puzzles, 4) during my YSA years 'fancy' cooking for me was pasta with frozen veggies, 5) my perfect weekend is with friends + video games + d&d + anime.   Skip the flowers, jewelry, fancy nights on the town, etc.  

I spent a LOT of time and energy dealing with all this pressure I felt from others.  Honestly, it drove me to inactivity for several years cause... I have no interest in being a clone.   I took a TON of courage to ... frankly tone out that pressure-- pressure which I found out actually was more in my head than a lot of other places.  To not listen to what I thought other people were thinking, and instead just be me-- to trust them and myself that we could work this out with me being me.  After all, I am a child of God.  Me.  Today.  As I am.  Not some cookie-cutter mask version of me-- cause that would only be a lie and lies are not of God.  

This is going to sound dorky but... there's only one gospel related talk I've ever been floored by.  This talk below... it spoke to the odd duck in me so much that I just... to be honest I finished listening to it, walked over and hit the 'play again' button cause I wanted-- needed --- to hear it again so much.  

https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2017/04/songs-sung-and-unsung?lang=eng

Here's a highlight-- 

"Our Heavenly Father delights to have us sing in our own voice, not someone else’s. Believe in yourself, and believe in Him. Don’t demean your worth or denigrate your contribution. Above all, don’t abandon your role in the chorus. Why? Because you are unique; you are irreplaceable. The loss of even one voice diminishes every other singer in this great mortal choir of ours, including the loss of those who feel they are on the margins of society or the margins of the Church"

 

 

Sing in your own voice @Brie.  Be your own person, your own RSP, and don't feel like you need to apologize for being the authentic child of God you are.  If you bishop is struggling to work with diverse people, then help him figure out how to better do that-- working with you is an opportunity for him to grow, as well as other folks in your ward.  I'm not saying such is going to be a smooth ride-- growth is never smooth -- but that doesn't mean it's not important.  If you two are still struggling over a time, perhaps meeting with a stake advisor would be good thing-- to better train everyone work together and build God's kingdom.  

Edited September 6, 2018 by Jane_Doe

[Manners Matter]

Have you contacted the Stake RS Pres for guidance? If not, I suggest doing so.

[Brie]

2 hours ago, Sunday21 said:

I am not sure what to say. I wish you the best. Sometimes in a job - a calling is a type of job - you have to do things as your boss wants you to do them. I would try to please the bishop, put more work onto your counsellors if possible, try to streamline things a bit, be less ego involved by which I mean there are many ways to be RS president...which way is most pragmatic in this situation? Good luck! 

Good points. Another added stress is that one of my counselors is completely MIA, impossible to get a hold of. She is a lovely girl with so much positivity and light to give, but she's also the flakiest person I know. My other counselor is always around, but whenever I ask her to help me out, she always is "busy". Always. So perhaps I need to reevaluate my counselors, but I also feel as if it's not my place. Obviously it is, but it just feels so harsh to them. I love them as people but as counselors they are not giving me the help I need. I've tried talking to them about it several times. They make promises and everything stays the same.

[Brie]

2 hours ago, Just_A_Guy said:

No advice, but lots of good vibes for whatever that may be worth.

I really do appreciate it. It's worth more than you may realize.

[Brie]

2 hours ago, Manners Matter said:

Have you contacted the Stake RS Pres for guidance? If not, I suggest doing so.

I have not. Good idea. Thank you. I think part of me doesn't want to reach out to leaders in my life because they will try and convince me to stay in the calling, and I so badly want to be free of it. I know she will probably have good advice though, so I need to get over myself.

[Sunday21]

5 hours ago, Brie said:

Good points. Another added stress is that one of my counselors is completely MIA, impossible to get a hold of. She is a lovely girl with so much positivity and light to give, but she's also the flakiest person I know. My other counselor is always around, but whenever I ask her to help me out, she always is "busy". Always. So perhaps I need to reevaluate my counselors, but I also feel as if it's not my place. Obviously it is, but it just feels so harsh to them. I love them as people but as counselors they are not giving me the help I need. I've tried talking to them about it several times. They make promises and everything stays the same.

I know that no everyone feels this way but...as a convert who became part of the RS presidency before I had any clue what RS was...I am pragmatic about callings. I try to hit targets. I cut out any activity that we hold because of tradition. I reach up into my head and turn off my emotions and just do those things that need to be done. Could you replace your counselors? Is there someone in RS who is dependable? 

Re: Boyfriend and visits. Remember the counsel in Strength of Youth about not being alone together? This is good advice! Better safe than sorry. 😊 

[zil]

(For context, I'm an RSP.  I'm nothing like the "Mormon woman" stereotype, let alone the RSP stereotype, so these are clearly not required for the calling.  I don't really want my calling, but I consider that my own failing and essentially irrelevant.)

13 hours ago, Brie said:

...girls...big girl...

Step one - and it may seem like I'm giving credit to something irrelevant, but I'm not - stop using words which imply you and the women in Relief Society are children.  You are not.  You are adults.  You should both think and speak of yourself and them as adults.  Women.  Not girls, not even young women - women.  Make it a habit.  Snap a rubber band every time you screw up.  Whatever.  It will change your thinking eventually (too slowly for you to notice it, but it will happen).

13 hours ago, Brie said:

I also know I am not making the best choices

Step zero - start making the best choices.  For some reason, many of us let trials force us into intentionally making mistakes - "Life is hard, I may as well make it worse."  This is self-destructive behavior (I know it well, personally).  Stop it.  Forget the bishop, forget your calling.  Figure out what you need to stop doing or restart doing regardless of those (personal scripture study, sincere prayer, temple attendance (make sure you're worthy first), etc.).  Doing this will make your calling easier to deal with.

13 hours ago, Brie said:

I have felt COMPLETELY disengaged from this calling.

So re-engage in your own way.  When the bishop gives you counsel or instruction, listen carefully, take notes, ask questions, clarify his meaning and intent and your understanding of the same ("do this", "I understand I'm supposed to do this", "that's correct").  Then go ponder and pray about it.  Then respond.  Consider both the easy and the painful - maybe you're there to help this bishop learn to be more flexible - or less stereotype-enforcing.  Maybe he's there to help you learn some humility.  Maybe everything or anything else.  These are worth pondering.

When you meet with your bishop, do you go simply expecting him to give you instruction / expectations? Or do you go with a list of names of sisters you are concerned about and ministering to?  Do you go with a list of questions to ask and ideas to share to move the work of the Lord forward?  Is it possible he sees you as a "girl" and you need to demonstrate that you are a woman (by which I mean a mature, responsible female - hooray for "the world" which makes me feel it necessary to explain that)?

Never give the bishop complaints or problems - give him solutions (or suggested solutions).

And I'm going to recommend this talk for the second time today: "Be 100 Percent Responsible" - because the only way you can improve the situation is by changing what you do.  You cannot change other people, only yourself.

If you're not already, pray sincerely for your bishop, his counselors, the Elders Quorum Presidency, and your own counselors and secretary.

8 hours ago, Brie said:

So perhaps I need to reevaluate my counselors

You either need to get new ones, or minister to and train the ones you've got.  Being a counselor in RS since April 2018 GC is almost as heavy a load as being RSP - with ministering interviews, there's just too much to do for the RSP to do it alone.  Part of your duty is to train your counselors.  If you haven't set expectations, you need to do that.  Put it in writing as well as discussing it so that it isn't easily forgotten.  Make sure you are having regular RS Presidency meetings - they need this as much as you do.

If they say they then aren't willing to fulfill their callings, you may want to suggest they request to be released.  When requesting a calling be filled, in addition to names you've prayed about and received confirmation on, you should give the bishop a written "job description" (very high level - 2 or three sentences paragraphs) that the bishop can use to explain the calling when he's extending it.

If you haven't, read Handbook 2 chapters 1-6, 9, and 13 - then the rest if you can ever make the time.

Finally, I'm kinda curious to see examples of what exactly the conflict is with the new bishop.  Does he want you to have a table cloth and decorations on the table for RS and you think that's pointless?  Or does he want you to teach topic A while you think you should teach topic B?  He thinks the RSP should meet weekly and you thing every other week is good enough?  Exactly what level of detail are we talking about?  Is it possible you think he's dictating more than he really is - that you're assuming method when he's telling you the goal, or that you're assuming "exactly and only this" when he means "for example"?  Or....?

Anywho, I reckon that's more than enough.  I sympathize - being RSP is harder than having a full time job (I have both, I know whereof I speak).  Get yourself the help you need.  Have a meta-discussion with the bishop about how you and he communicate with each other.  Maybe, after the above, he needs to know that you feel like your calling is destroying your faith.  But you also need to acknowledge that it can't do that without your cooperation.

Edited September 6, 2018 by zil

[Fether]

@Brie

Ill echo questions that have already been said. What is he wanting you to do? There are some things that relief society president ought to do regardless of their personality. Duties that just come with the calling. Then there are expectations that some people have with people that are not doctrinal.

If it is an issue with him expecting you to change your personality, I would speak to maybe someone in The stake. But only do this if the issue is making your duty difficult. If it is just a matter of pride and preference, you can get past had on your own.

I am familiar with bishops making reeicukous decisions. I once had a bishop shoot down the Elders Quorum President’s and Young Mens President’splan to have a Sunday dedicated to discussing pornography and sexual addiction because he didn’t believe it was a serious issue in his ward. The EQP went ahead and did it anyway and from what I heard a lot of Elder’s came to the bishops office the following couple months. Then the YMP did it and a similar thing happened.

[Overwatch]

On 9/5/2018 at 7:44 PM, Brie said:

Hi All,

This is my first post on this forum so bear with me. 

I am the Relief Society president in my YSA ward. I have had the calling for about 7 months now. I accepted the calling with quite a bit of hesitancy - I am not typically the personality that you would think of when it comes to the job. I enjoy dark, irreverent humor and I am often described as an odd duck. I like it that way. However, I had been endowed a couple of months prior and felt I was on a spiritual high, and I thought I could be a great resource to the girls in the ward as I am a good listener and I'm pretty good at being nonjudgmental. I also felt very close to my Bishop that I would be serving with.

The day I was sustained, it was announced that there would be a new bishopric. Okay, no big deal - I will support my leadership and I'm sure they'll do wonderfully. We got along alright, especially with the counselors. However, over time Bishop and I started butting heads. In order for me to be sane in this calling, I wanted to be ME. My own best version of RS president. However, he had a different vision - he wanted me to be a very cookie cutter version of myself, doing things in a way he was familiar with.

I struggled, but I believe I was called for a reason. I was motivated to do good by my ward and by the Lord. A LOT of things in my life started changing though. I had been dating a guy long-distance that I had met on Mutual (Mormon dating app) before even getting the calling, but it started getting more serious. In addition, I got my first big girl job (which as someone with MAJOR job anxiety was a HUGE deal for me), and life just got busy. I started enjoying church less and less, because Ward Council would always end on a very sour note. I became FAR less engaged in the ward than I had been, except for a few very close friends. But I continued to trek on in the calling. I did what needed to be done. I reached out to those I felt prompted to. 

But. For the past good while, I have felt COMPLETELY disengaged from this calling. I want so badly to salvage my testimony, but I feel so overwhelmed by the responsibilities of it all. In addition, I have been struggling with issues that I struggled with when I was inactive. To much lesser degrees, but still. It's a vicious cycle - I felt a disconnect from the gospel despite this wonderful calling, so I'd make choices that pushed me farther away, then I'd feel even farther away, etc etc.

In addition, because of my past inactivity, my family (who I live with) always assumes that if I make one little mistake or do something they disapprove of, I must be committing horrible sins, because I have in the past... But I have repented of those sins. It hurts to see the lack of trust. For example, when I visited my boyfriend, they assumed that we were breaking the law of chastity and being irresponsible. Simply not the case. 

Anyway, this is so rambling, I apologize. I'll get to the point. At this time in my life, I am struggling with my calling and I honestly believe it is harming my relationship with the gospel. I also know I am not making the best choices, but it's nothing that would call for me to be released. It still is hard to deal with with all the added pressure however. I just feel as if I'm being forced into a little box and it makes me want to punch my way out and run away! But I don't want to leave. I want to remain active and good and faithful. But in my position, it is so hard. Also, the fact that I've had several quite negative run-ins with my bishop, as well as hearing him talk about others in their failures/faults, does not make me comfortable expressing all of this to him. At. All. 

Basically I'm a hot mess. The only person I've expressed all this to is my boyfriend. But he's probably sick of hearing it and I'd love to hear what you guys have to say. Thanks.

Whoa. Reading this almost put me into mini... anxiety attack or something. Like your brain is swirling in a million directions. 

First off there isn't a "normal". Be you and your dark humor self. Just try to be appropriate; I am sure saying jokes like "you are so mad you want to punch a dead kitten in the face" during church isn't going to be recieved well. As far as your Bishop goes he was called for a reason whether good or bad. Just be respectful. If he is wrong the Lord will hem him up. If He is right the Lord will enlighten you and help you move forward in your calling. 

Now with your boyfriend, stop pushing the limits (if you are) Keep the commandments like you have been. Be grateful your family is holding you accountable. When you build a reputation for yourself sometimes it takes a while to show you have changed. As far as your other faults are concerned... CUT IT OUT. Seriously, just stop doing whatever it is you are doing wrong. 

So, as a reminder, we weren't made to be 100% happy in this life. Men are that they might have joy... eventually. Not in this life though; not uninterrupted joy. You can recieve quite a bit of peace in the midst of the storm though. Keep up the good work (I assume you are doing something right in your life)

As far as your busy, flakey and not interested counselors, talk to them. Tell them you need help. If no positive results then fire them with a plate of cookies and a thank you. 

[NightSG]

On 9/6/2018 at 8:53 AM, zil said:

You cannot change other people, only yourself.

You underestimate the power of psychological abuse.

And lots of people underestimate the power of saying "No.  This is no longer open for discussion.  I'm done."

[askandanswer]

@Brie I've never been a RSP and don't expect to ever be so, so keep that in mind when you read this.

I think you need to serve in a way that you feel is right. You need to feel comfortable with how you serve so that when your time is done and you are released, you will feel comfortable knowing that you have done what you felt was right and good and any regrets you might have otherwise had will be minimised.. If you serve in a way that you feel is right, and the bishop is still unhappy, then he will release you and this particular problem will be solved. 

[Guest MormonGator]

A lot of us enjoy morbid humor. Seriously, if you could see some of things I post on FB, you'd wonder why my bishop hasn't kicked me out yet. 

if you really feel like you aren't suitable for the calling, I see no reason why you couldn't ask to be released. You need a calling where you feel comfortable.