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I'm looking for guidance or help or general support. 

 

My husband went through a life crisis about 4 years ago. A few really hard things happened on his life and he didn't handle it well. as a reaction, he claims he doesn't believe in God and has no faith. I married him in the temple. We both were strong, active returned missionaries. We both married agreeing on living a life in the Church. We have 3 kids, and my husband doesn't do anything with regards to church. He refuses to use his priesthood. He hasn't been to the temple in a few years. What do I do with this??? He is anti-God and claims he doesn't believe in Christ, the Atonement or anything to do with God.

 

Edited by Looking_4_hope
Grammer
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(Speaking as an LDS lady married to a inactive generic Christian)

 

You be a strong woman of God.  You keep your testimony alive and flourishing through prayer, study, and living the Gospel.  Part of this is continuing to honor your martial vows.  You respect and love your husband as he IS-- always remembering Article of Faith #11.  Be a light, and that light will shine naturally without any artificial pressuring your husband into anything. 

You didn't mention how your husband views teaching the children.  If he doesn't care, then you teach them.  Show them your love, read the scriptures with them, pray with them, and take them to church.  Yes, I completely know how this can be *hard* when you're doing it without your husband, but remember you are not in this alone-- Christ is beside you.

 

If you husband has objection to the kids being taught, then that advise would depend on the specific scenario. 

Edited by Jane_Doe
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Guest LiterateParakeet

When you married him, you made a commitment with God to try and help your husband return to God.  That means that you don't give up on him at times like this.  He needs your love and support.  As Jane_Doe said, love him as he is.  Don't lecture, just love him, and be a good example.   Fast and pray for him.  Never give up, but don't try to change him, just love him as he is like Jane said.  

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Hi. I don't know the details of your husbands life crisis 4 years ago. If I knew I may be able to understand better what he might be going through, but even through the worst of times, his complete lack of faith in Christ might be due to an inner confliction he has harbored for some time and has kept hidden from everyone. It appears as though he is carrying a great burden that is blocking out the light of Christ. My advice is for you to remind him that no matter what, no matter how long it takes, and no matter what he puts you through, you will continue to be there for him because he is your husband and when you married each other you took upon your vows to be faithful and loyal to your husband in sickness and in health and your husband is now spiritually unwell. God bless you both

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8 hours ago, Looking_4_hope said:

I'm looking for guidance or help or general support. 

 

My husband went through a life crisis about 4 years ago. A few really hard things happened on his life and he didn't handle it well. as a reaction, he claims he doesn't believe in God and has no faith. I married him in the temple. We both were strong, active returned missionaries. We both married agreeing on living a life in the Church. We have 3 kids, and my husband doesn't do anything with regards to church. He refuses to use his priesthood. He hasn't been to the temple in a few years. What do I do with this??? He is anti-God and claims he doesn't believe in Christ, the Atonement or anything to do with God.

 

Unfortunately you are not alone.  My spouse does not attend church either and has turned to new age spirituality garbage.  She believes she is one half of a split soul and the other half is some guy she works with.  I felt sick and wanted to die when I learned about that.  Our relationship wasn't great at the time anyway, but still what do you do?

I love my wife, but I lost my way in loving her.  I have made a commitment to change myself to love her no matter what.  Some days are easy and fun.  Some days part of me wishes it were over.  But I have learned a lot about myself through this process of learning how to love her again.  I learned that I am a lot stronger than I thought.   

I don't know what the future holds for us, but I would like to think I did all that I can to love my wife and help her feel the love of Christ.  And hope that she comes back to the fold.

A couple of things...  as long as he is not abusive to you are actively tries to undermine your faith...

Love him.  He is still a son of Heavenly Father and Heavenly father still loves him.  Don't nag him and complain..   Just love.  That is what our Savior would do.

Be gentle with him and don't try to convert him back to the faith.  You can't convert him.  Only the spirit can.

Be patient.  This is not going to be resolved quickly.

keep the faith.  Don't act superior or weird about keeping the faith.  Just do it humbly.

Know that our Heavenly Father loves you and wants you to be happy.  So if he wants this, then why is he putting you through this trial??  I don't know.  Sometimes it take a long time for us to understand.  And it is a hard trial of faith.  Pray for strength that you will be able to handle your burdens.

I don't expect my wife to return to church any time soon.  It certainly is hard at times, but that is not going to deter me from trying to be the person our Father in Heaven would want me to be.

I wish you the best.

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Guest LiterateParakeet
1 hour ago, Lost Boy said:

So if he wants this, then why is he putting you through this trial??

Lost Boy, I loved your post, sorry about your situation with your wife. 

I just wanted to comment on this one thing....Heavenly Father didn't give either of you this trial.  He gives us agency to choose, your spouses made their choices.  Sometimes things happen because we live in a fallen world where people sometimes make bad choices.  God allows this because He can heal us all from the wounds inflicted on us here on earth. Through the Atonement, Christ has the power to heal us all.  Part of that healing will likely be your faith growing stronger, and you will get stronger and better in other ways as well.  You will not be alone.  Christ, the Holy Ghost and Ministering Angels will be there to strengthen you.

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3 hours ago, LiterateParakeet said:

Lost Boy, I loved your post, sorry about your situation with your wife. 

I just wanted to comment on this one thing....Heavenly Father didn't give either of you this trial.  He gives us agency to choose, your spouses made their choices.  Sometimes things happen because we live in a fallen world where people sometimes make bad choices.  God allows this because He can heal us all from the wounds inflicted on us here on earth. Through the Atonement, Christ has the power to heal us all.  Part of that healing will likely be your faith growing stronger, and you will get stronger and better in other ways as well.  You will not be alone.  Christ, the Holy Ghost and Ministering Angels will be there to strengthen you.

I agree with you.  I said that as part of a thought process that many have.  The first thing many think is why is God doing this to me...

I have been guilty of feeling this way from time to time until I stop with emotional thought...

 

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Wow. You guys are quite different and that's okay. I would only suffer for so long with a person that doesn't love my Heavenly Father. I would inquire of the Lord on the matter and break away or stay and fight, depending on my answer. I have been through a LOT of trauma. Experienced a lot of death and heartache. I don't mind crushing the enemy and letting St. Peter sort out the souls. I don't mind leaving a horrible person behind and that even includes my wife if she decided she no longer loved my Heavenly Father. You do you. I'll search for another worthy companion IF EVER that arises (highly doubt it) 

This stay and console the wounded soul is very situational with me. If this person started leading my children to hell they would be gone in a jiffy. Out of my home and on with their own life. This life is too short and I am aware that many righteous people do not have companions. Marriage is a blessing and a temple marriage is something to be honored.

My answers are my opinions. Counsel with your leaders and pray, always.

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15 minutes ago, Overwatch said:

Wow. You guys are quite different and that's okay. I would only suffer for so long with a person that doesn't love my Heavenly Father. I would inquire of the Lord on the matter and break away or stay and fight, depending on my answer. I have been through a LOT of trauma. Experienced a lot of death and heartache. I don't mind crushing the enemy and letting St. Peter sort out the souls. I don't mind leaving a horrible person behind and that even includes my wife if she decided she no longer loved my Heavenly Father. You do you. I'll search for another worthy companion IF EVER that arises (highly doubt it) 

This stay and console the wounded soul is very situational with me. If this person started leading my children to hell they would be gone in a jiffy. Out of my home and on with their own life. This life is too short and I am aware that many righteous people do not have companions. Marriage is a blessing and a temple marriage is something to be honored.

My answers are my opinions. Counsel with your leaders and pray, always.

Marriage is not a blessing.  Marriage is a COVENANT.  The blessing comes from faithful fulfillment of such covenant.  The covenant is not dependent on your wife's faithfulness.  I have never heard of a single covenant God gave that says, you only Love your spouse if they love you back or if they love God.  No, the covenant is to Love your Spouse.  That means, you take on the duty and responsibility of bringing her soul to Christ.

But sure, you do you.

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Just now, anatess2 said:

Marriage is not a blessing.  Marriage is a COVENANT.  The blessing comes from faithful fulfillment of such covenant.  The covenant is not dependent on your wife's faithfulness.  I have never heard of a single covenant God gave that says, you only Love your spouse if they love you back or if they love God.  No, the covenant is to Love your Spouse.  That means, you take on the duty and responsibility of bringing her soul to Christ.

But sure, you do you.

You can stay and go through your own hell. I'd move on and find another righteous companion that loved my Father and you know what? We'd both most likely end up in the same place, me and you. You guys can stop by and visit me and my spouse, as we most likely will be neighbors.

I can't and will not force my spouse to love God.

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6 minutes ago, Overwatch said:

You can stay and go through your own hell. I'd move on and find another righteous companion that loved my Father and you know what? We'd both most likely end up in the same place, me and you. You guys can stop by and visit me and my spouse, as we most likely will be neighbors.

I can't and will not force my spouse to love God.

Sure, you might be in Celestial glory while I rot in outer darkness.  That's not the point.  The point is... your wife is tumbling into outer darkness.  Somebody who claims to Love someone enough to make a Covenant to God about it... the loved one's soul tumbling far from Christ would cause them to do everything in their power to help that soul find its way back to Christ.  It is not about forcing a spouse to love God.  It's about guiding the lost lamb and being the light in her darkest hour of need.

Meh, what am I saying.  A person who love themselves more than they love their spouse is better off without one.

Edited by anatess2
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Guest MormonGator
14 hours ago, LiterateParakeet said:

When you married him, you made a commitment with God to try and help your husband return to God.  That means that you don't give up on him at times like this.  He needs your love and support.  As Jane_Doe said, love him as he is.  Don't lecture, just love him, and be a good example.   Fast and pray for him.  Never give up, but don't try to change him, just love him as he is like Jane said.  

Perfectly said.

OP-Marriage is sacred. It's the greatest blessing in the world, and I can't imagine walking away if someone loses their testimony or goes through a faith crisis. Stay strong, pray for him, and know we are praying for you too! 

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1 minute ago, anatess2 said:

Sure, you might be in Celestial glory while I rot in outer darkness.  That's not the point.  The point is... your wife is tumbling into outer darkness.  Somebody who claims to Love someone enough to make a Covenant to God about it... the loved one's soul tumbling far from Christ would cause them to do everything in their power to help that soul find its way back to Christ.  It is not about forcing a spouse to love God.  It's about guiding the lost lamb and being the light in her darkest hour of need.

Meh, what am I saying.  A person who love themselves more than they love their spouse is better off without one.

Outer darkness is a bit extreme Ana. I am just too worn and exhausted to do it now. At that point I let the Savior lead them home. I love them enough to let them go and use their free agency. As for me, I am very disposed to be happy with a woman who loves God. I am so grateful for my wife and her Love for God

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I am not even 40 and I am retired. At this point in my life my children's salvation should be my priority. My wife's testimony is solid, as it should be and we are fighting together to push out the darkness from our home. It takes two! Whether dead or alive to be successful, I believe in power from the grave for widows and widowers. 

Edited by Overwatch
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Everyone deserves to be happy and I will not judge someone who says "you know what Phil or Janice, I love you but I can't go down the path you are going. The darkness is not for me, farewell and best wishes" especially if I had suffered, pleaded and cried for them day and night. I would love them and ME enough to let them go and use their agency.

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21 minutes ago, Overwatch said:

Everyone deserves to be happy and I will not judge someone who says "you know what Phil or Janice, I love you but I can't go down the path you are going. The darkness is not for me, farewell and best wishes" especially if I had suffered, pleaded and cried for them day and night. I would love them and ME enough to let them go and use their agency.

Therein is the balance.  The commandment is to LOVE others as yourself.  Not just others, not just yourself.  But both equally.  Your earlier statement of "I'm going to leave her to her own hell and find a better spouse" does not exemplify this balance of loving your spouse as yourself. 

The society of disposable marriages makes it easy for people to quit on finding that balance with their spouse.  A covenant is meant to be eternal.  Nobody can be perfect eternally.  Therefore, there will always be a time in every person's life when they reach a point close to chaos and they have to be redeemed.  A person who loves their spouse will try to guide the spouse out of chaos while he himself clings to Christ.  That is balance.  If in the process of saving the spouse one loses one's way to Christ, then that's out of balance.  This is an eternal covenant of saving souls.  So, you decide to quit on it and find an "easier person" to love.  That does not solve the problem because everybody goes through a period of trial and chaos such that they will need redemption... the answer is, therefore, not finding an "easier person" to love.  The answer is to learn HOW to love by finding that balance through the chaos.

I have said this many times before.  If I find out tomorrow that my husband is a serial killer it does not change my covenant.  I will continue to work to bring him with me to Christ even if the only thing I can do is to send him to jail for the rest of his life and pray and plead earnestly to God for his salvation.  I promised to love him through eternity and that is what I'm going to do.  But that's just me.

Others may feel that the only way to bring their spouse and themselves closer to Christ is to leave them.  That is fine.  That is love.  Leaving the spouse because you don't care anymore for their salvation - that is not love.

Edited by anatess2
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3 minutes ago, anatess2 said:

Therein is the balance.  The commandment is to LOVE others as yourself.  Not just others, not just yourself.  But both equally.  Your earlier statement of "I'm going to leave her and find a better spouse" does not exemplify this balance of loving your spouse as yourself. 

The society of disposable marriages makes it easy for people to quit on finding that balance with their spouse.  A covenant is meant to be eternal.  Nobody can be perfect eternally.  Therefore, there will always be a time when the person reaches a point close to chaos and they have to be redeemed.  A person who loves their spouse will try to guide the spouse out of chaos while he himself clings to Christ.  That is balance.  If in the process of saving the spouse one loses one's way to Christ, then that's out of balance.  This is an eternal covenant of saving souls.  So, you decide to quit on it and find an "easier person" to love.  That does not solve the problem because everybody goes through a period of trial and chaos such that they will need to redemption... the answer is, therefore, not finding an "easier person" to love.  The answer is to learn HOW to love by finding that balance through the chaos.

I have said this many times before.  If I find out tomorrow that my husband is a serial killer it does not change my covenant.  I will continue to work to bring him with me to Christ even if the only thing I can do is to send him to jail for the rest of his life and pray earnestly everyday for his salvation.  I promised to love him through eternity and that is what I'm going to do.  But that's just me.

Others may feel that the way to bring their spouse and themselves closer to Christ is to leave them.  That is fine.  That is love.  Leaving the spouse because you don't care anymore for their salvation - that is not love.

Easier? No, it's about having someone love me and respect their covenants too. A husband and wife need to be in harmony. As far as not caring for their salvation I have no idea where you got that. They can repent and have another go,when they are ready, with another companion.

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I made a covenant with two other folks - my wife, and God.  When I was making promises, I don't remember much in the way of "outs".  There wasn't much in the way of "I'll do x, unless she stops doing her stuff, then I get to quit too."

That said, I figure things can reach a point where staying is more harmful to one or more parties than splitting apart.  I suppose folks get to do their best to draw where that line is, and figure what side of it they're on.   Y'all get to agonize over that line, and when to keep hoping for a change vs when to accept that reality is here.   How hard to try, what else to try, how long to try it.  The church seems to understand that these days, especially in talks directed towards single or divorced women.

I won't be passing judgment on anyone here today.

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Just now, Overwatch said:

Easier? No, it's about having someone love me and respect their covenants too. A husband and wife need to be in harmony. 

Okay,  I'll belabor this because this topic is important to me.  So you believe that the covenant you made to God is dependent on your wife's covenant?  So you believe that your covenant is null and void when your wife breaks hers?

Just now, Overwatch said:

As far as not caring for their salvation I have no idea where you got that. They can repent and have another go,when they are ready, with another companion.

I got that from the tone of your original post that I first responded to.  So, does this mean that you care about her salvation but you're delegating somebody else to guide her towards it?

 

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1 minute ago, anatess2 said:

Okay,  I'll belabor this because this topic is important to me.  So you believe that the covenant you made to God is dependent on your wife's covenant?  So you believe that your covenant is null and void when your wife breaks hers?

I got that from the tone of your original post that I first responded to.  So, does this mean that you care about her salvation but you're delegating somebody else to guide her towards it?

 

If God gives me permission to leave and find another who truly loves me and Him then I would go. I said this in my first response. That I would either leave or stay and fight depending on my answer from God. When you get excommunicated do you stay a member? No and when you come back you are rebaptized. All new covenants and a new life.

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4 minutes ago, NeuroTypical said:

I made a covenant with two other folks - my wife, and God.  When I was making promises, I don't remember much in the way of "outs".  There wasn't much in the way of "I'll do x, unless she stops doing her stuff, then I get to quit too."

That said, I figure things can reach a point where staying is more harmful to one or more parties than splitting apart.  I suppose folks get to do their best to draw where that line is, and figure what side of it they're on.   Y'all get to agonize over that line, and when to keep hoping for a change vs when to accept that reality is here.   How hard to try, what else to try, how long to try it.  The church seems to understand that these days, especially in talks directed towards single or divorced women.

I won't be passing judgment on anyone here today.

I don't pass judgment on anybody.  It's principles that I talk about - not specific marriages.

The Church understands that there are people who are victims of circumstances.  I do not believe this is just women.  There are tons of men who are victims of abusive spouses too.  Single and divorced is not as much of a problem in principle.  It's the idea that one needs divorce so one can have a better life with somebody else is the issue.

But yes, I am a vocal opponent in the Philippines of the legalization of divorce movement.  Fortunately, there was only one talk from a prophet that became popular in the Philippines for the proponents of the legalization of divorce movement.  The Philippines has legal separation.  We don't have legal 2nd marriage unless widowed.

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2 minutes ago, Overwatch said:

If God gives me permission to leave and find another who truly loves me and Him then I would go. I said this in my first response. That I would either leave or stay and fight depending on my answer from God. When you get excommunicated do you stay a member? No and when you come back you are rebaptized. All new covenants and a new life.

I understand about God and permission.  

When you get excommunicated you don't stay a member.  But the atonement of Christ still applies to you.  But this is irrelevant to marriage.  A person who breaks their covenants faces the consequences of such covenants.  A person who breaks their covenants does not make it okay for somebody else to break their covenants.

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10 minutes ago, anatess2 said:

I understand about God and permission.  

When you get excommunicated you don't stay a member.  But the atonement of Christ still applies to you.  But this is irrelevant to marriage.  A person who breaks their covenants faces the consequences of such covenants.  A person who breaks their covenants does not make it okay for somebody else to break their covenants.

They will not be breaking their covenants once the Lord has approved and released them from it. Then they are free to try again, again upon approval from the Lord.

 

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@anatess2 I am about to run some errands but want you to know that I do not think your plan is bad or horrible. I think it is an option for the deeply romantic or maybe even deeply strict loyalty to a one sided relationship (I don't know) either way I don't think it is bad. Clearly my mentioned option is only one. Thanks for the chat and I hope the original poster has food for thought from it. 

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