Caught between husband and adult son


jmsouth
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Hello,  I have been married for 27 years to a man I love very much.  When we got together I had a 2 year old son, we then had two more children.  All are adults now.  My conflict is how do I deal with a husband who 1) has depression 2) jealous of anyone's success 3) has no respect for anyone who doesn't have the same opinion as he does 4) has created isolation in the family, meaning won't go to any family functions, does not connect with any other family other than (our) 2 adult children and his parents.   I'm sure that anyone reading that is prob. thinking, why are you still with him??  I wonder that to myself often. We own and operate a business together, work together and are together 24/7.  We do this very well and have for over 15 years.  My oldest son (30), in the PAST, made a lot of selfish inconsiderate mistakes, everyone does. The two of them haven't spoken in almost 3 years.  The problem is that my husband will NOT forgive, accept any apology or move on.  My husband wrote a very long letter to my son last year and pretty much told him how much is wrong with him and his wife.  My son has (obviously) decided that there is nothing he can do or say, knows that his dad has no respect for him and is tired of constantly being judged and criticized.  He does not plan to write any response letter.  MY conflict is HOW DO I HAVE THEM BOTH IN MY LIFE??  My husband will not handle it maturely or fairly, of this I am sure.  It may even trigger the "divorce" conversation. 

I have a dear and trusted friend I have talked with this conflict about for years, we pray on it all the time. I pray about it every. single. day.  I don't know what to do, what my next step is and I am so apprehensive to tell my husband that I am ready to renew my relationship with my son and his family.  Top that off with the holidays are quickly approaching and I have come to a point that they (holiday season) just stress me out horribly because of all this negative conflict.  

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22 minutes ago, jmsouth said:

MY conflict is HOW DO I HAVE THEM BOTH IN MY LIFE?? 

From what you describe, the answer to your question is one word: Separately.

When you visit your son, your hubby won't be with you.  So go visit your son and stay in his life.  

Edited by NeuroTypical
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(Big picture thing here)

Your husband is mentally ill and needs counseling (whether or not he'll accept that treatment is another story).  But you have zero control over his choice.  I would also recommend counseling for you, just learning ways the best to work with a mentally ill partner (cause it is stressful and hard).  

(Now to your specific question)

You husband can't forbid you from seeing your son.  So leave hubby at home and go visit your son.  And then visit your hubby at home without the son there.  If that means you celebrate Christmas twice, so be it.  

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Just now, Jane_Doe said:

(Big picture thing here)

Your husband is mentally ill and needs counseling (whether or not he'll accept that treatment is another story).  But you have zero control over his choice.  I would also recommend counseling for you, just learning ways the best to work with a mentally ill partner (cause it is stressful and hard).

My guess is that hubby's story would sound quite a bit different. Not yet fully (völlig) convinced things are as previously described.

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10 minutes ago, Vort said:

My guess is that hubby's story would sound quite a bit different. Not yet fully (völlig) convinced things are as previously described.

I wish you could be a fly on the wall.  Unfortunately it is what was described, yet much more complicated and deep.  I condensed it greatly.  My husband tried counseling for depression for two visits, the second visit he said she was an idiot and walked out.  He doesn't discuss his depression with anyone unless they too have depression.  Feel free to ask any questions, this is an open conversation, and I'm looking for heartfelt guidance.  TIA

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18 minutes ago, Jane_Doe said:

(Big picture thing here)

Your husband is mentally ill and needs counseling (whether or not he'll accept that treatment is another story).  But you have zero control over his choice.  I would also recommend counseling for you, just learning ways the best to work with a mentally ill partner (cause it is stressful and hard).  

(Now to your specific question)

You husband can't forbid you from seeing your son.  So leave hubby at home and go visit your son.  And then visit your hubby at home without the son there.  If that means you celebrate Christmas twice, so be it.  

Thank you, and there's no doubt, from him or me, that he is mentally ill.  He's the first one to say how screwed up his way of thinking is, but doesn't want to go through any motions to change it.  I would love counseling, but can't afford it.  Re your second thought.... he doesn't "forbid", but he makes life hell and stressful.  The loudest silence you've ever heard, dagger eyes.  That's my issue, the repercussions, not only at home but most of all at our business.  In his mind, if I move forward and get more connected to my son and his family, I am being disrespectful, disloyal and not a good wife. 

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1 hour ago, jmsouth said:

We own and operate a business together, work together and are together 24/7.  We do this very well and have for over 15 years. 

Quote

...he doesn't "forbid", but he makes life hell and stressful.  The loudest silence you've ever heard, dagger eyes.  That's my issue, the repercussions, not only at home but most of all at our business.  In his mind, if I move forward and get more connected to my son and his family, I am being disrespectful, disloyal and not a good wife. 

So, what is it?  Do you love him and everything has worked very well for 15 years, or are you afraid of upsetting him out of fear of repercussions?  I honestly don't think you can have it both ways...

Edited by NeuroTypical
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I am afraid that I look at things from as logical perspective as I can. 

Right now you can't have it both ways. You are married to your husband. You are not married to your son. Your son is a grown man and has his own life to live he should not be looking for the respect of your husband. He should be looking to be an upstanding person and not worry about what others think of him. 

Your husband needs your love. Your undivided love. Let your son know that you love him dearly, but for the time being, you might not see much of him. Your marriage is what should be most important. Help your husband. Help him get better. Q

 

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