How to help a sibling who admits having a "Crisis of Faith"

[Taylor Richards]

My sister, who is nearly 30 years old, admits to having a crisis of faith. There is still some seed of hope that the church is true, but much of what she thought was true is no longer that way. She has sought out resources and materials that have convinced her that Joseph Smith was a pedophile, that he made up the Book of Mormon, and many other things which are not uncommonly held in belief by those outside our church.

I'm certain that there are members who have gone through exactly what she's going through, and have some way regained a testimony of what they once knew was true ALL ALONG. 

Can some one please help me?

Would someone who has ALREADY trudged the road she's trudging reach out to me so I can maybe help my sister in some way? She is in quite a bit of pain, and realizes there is tremendous disparity between what she believes now, and what she once held true in her heart. It doesn't help that some of her other siblings have been somewhat judgmental.

[Guest LiterateParakeet]

You are so right, being judgemental will only drive her further out the door. Maybe the first people you should talk to are your other siblings.  

If your sister is open to it, the book,  The Crucible of Doubt by Terryl and Fiona Givens was really helpful to me, and FairMormon.org.  

Let her know that you love her regardless of what she decides. If can't say that and mean it she is unlikely to listen to anything else you have to to say. 

Edited September 29, 2018 by LiterateParakeet

[lostinwater]

@Taylor Richards

i have left, but i have family who has not.  So i guess i'm in the position of your sister - though i take more nuanced views of some of the topics you mention.  

i'm coming to acknowledge that religious belief is something we "choose" based on our emotions and justify based on our reason - but believe is the exact opposite.  Trying to fix an emotional sense of betrayal and rejection with indignation, disappointment, appeals to the past, and intellectual arguments  is not something i've seen work.  As in not ever.  Maybe that's not true for everyone, but it seems to me to be true more often than not.  

The suggestion i'd make (having never thought i'd have to stoop to something so cliched) is to stop trying to change her.  It's been helpful to me to focus on the relationship.  Or at least view it that way.  That encourages healthy boundaries/respect and good interactions, rather than trying to change the other person - which almost inevitably poisons the relationship.  

i'll send you one interview i thought was good.  i'm not allowed to post it directly, but not because of content - just because of the source.  It's one with Phil Barlow.  It's just a really thoughtful interview that acknowledges the realities both sides face.

Though it might be good to wait several months before sharing it.  It takes a very long time for most people to get over the feelings you've expressed your sister as having experienced.  The odds of her watching anything you send her are going to be very small for now.

Remember, ex-Mormons have stereotypes as to how Mormons treat someone who has left that are just as strong as the ones Mormons have about how ex-Mormons behave.  We'd all be better off if we broke one another's stereotypes.

Sorry to hear you are dealing with this.  It's painful for everyone.

All - sorry - i know i'm not supposed to use the term Mormon, but i couldn't make that sentence make any kind of sense to a person who is new any other way.  If you want to see it formed another way, let me know, and i will be happy to change it.

[JohnsonJones]

It's a tough situation. 

Many who get to that point think they are special (and they are, we are all the Children of God) and are discovering new things in history.  In truth, most of these accusations and arguments have been around from the time of Joseph Smith.  Many are the ideas of conspiring and evil men to lead people astray.  These things have been around for a LOOONG time. 

Upon discovering many of these accusations rather than trust the words that Joseph Smith and others wrote themselves, they immediately label Joseph, Young, Taylor, Woodruff, and most of the LDS General Authorities from that time to last century as liars.  Instead, they choose to believe the words of those who were set to either destroy the church in their time, or take over the church (most were unsuccessful in relation to the majority who followed Young and kept with the church till Grant).  Some will be willing to listen and ponder about both sides of the story and even pray and continue to pray about it.  In this, encourage them to pray and love them.  Others will be less willing to listen or read anything more on the matter.

When someone has made up their mind that this is so, for some there is little one can do.  The individual who is convinced LDS leaders lied about the whole thing might be very HARD HEARTED.  They will take any attempt to present the other side of things or an LDS understanding, as criticism, lies, hate, and every other thing in the book that they can take offense at.  They will either consider one doing so as a Liar, or ignorant.  They will label others who do so in this manner, unwilling to accept that anyone who does not think the way they do can be knowledgeable, or have come to the same conclusions.  When they reach such a point as this, bringing up Mormonism or anything close to it may bring anger and resentment between them and others.

In these instances, the best thing is probably to show them love.  Perhaps encourage them to pray, but that may have to be on their own grounds.  The strongest thing that might convince them to have a different belief is the Spirit.  Only through the Spirit can they regain that testimony that they lost, OR gain a testimony that they never had.  Many of these will be unwilling to pray and have shut themselves off from any type of influence of this type.  Some will feel like they have been freed, and others will become very bitter and hard against the Church, it's members, and everything and everyone connected to the Church.  They will have hatred towards members much like the Nazi's hated Jews, the KKK hated African Americans, or any other hate group hates those they have chosen to hate.

This can make what we should do very hard.  It is hard to love someone who hates you and everything you are a part of.  However, the best thing to do is to simply love them and respect their wishes if they do not want to talk about religion.  Showing love continuously regardless of their belief or what they feel is the only thing one can really do in these situations. 

This is especially true if it is Family members.  Do not ostracize them, do not lecture them every time you see them, simply love them to the best of your ability.

At least that's my thoughts.

Edited September 29, 2018 by JohnsonJones

[Guest]

5 hours ago, Taylor Richards said:

My sister, who is nearly 30 years old, admits to having a crisis of faith. There is still some seed of hope that the church is true, but much of what she thought was true is no longer that way. She has sought out resources and materials that have convinced her that Joseph Smith was a pedophile, that he made up the Book of Mormon, and many other things which are not uncommonly held in belief by those outside our church.

I'm certain that there are members who have gone through exactly what she's going through, and have some way regained a testimony of what they once knew was true ALL ALONG. 

Can some one please help me?

Would someone who has ALREADY trudged the road she's trudging reach out to me so I can maybe help my sister in some way? She is in quite a bit of pain, and realizes there is tremendous disparity between what she believes now, and what she once held true in her heart. It doesn't help that some of her other siblings have been somewhat judgmental.

My cousin is currently in that situation.  The truth is that it was not those anti-Mormon materials that sent her that direction.  The seeds of discontent were sown before that.  Those materials only served to give her permission to be upset and offended.  Try to find out what that was.  Work with that.  Also understand that it took years for that discontent to build.  It will take years to undo.

[Vort]

1 minute ago, Carborendum said:

My cousin is currently in that situation.  The truth is that it was not those anti-Mormon materials that sent her that direction.  The seeds of discontent were sown before that.  Those materials only served to give her permission to be upset and offended.  Try to find out what that was.  Work with that.  Also understand that it took years for that discontent to build.  It will take years to undo.

In the cases of disaffection that I have seen, this is exactly what happens. Anti-Mormon ideas enter and poison a spirit only after that spirit has already opened himself or herself to such damage.

[The Folk Prophet]

There's probably not much you can do. We can't force someone else to have faith. We can be righteous, serve, love, teach, exhort, etc. But of course all these things we should do with the faithful as well as the unfaithful.

I don't know if this will be helpful, but I'll share my thought:

The idea of a 'faith crisis' is part of Satan's attempts to lead us astray. It implies that we are not in control of our own faith. It implies that faith is not a choice. 

Faith is a choice. 

Everyone doubts at some point. You either give in to doubt or you choose faith. 

Having doubts is only a faith crisis if one responds by choosing to let doubt rule instead of faith. 

[anatess2]

Giver he a BIG BIG BIG HUG and tell her you love her very much.

[Vort]

Often, a "crisis of faith" isn't about faith per se. Rather, it's a symptom of something else going on -- often, but not always, some sort of behavior that leads away from the Spirit. For example, it is really quite common to see "faith crises" in people who insist on adopting beliefs and (especially) activities that contradict gospel teachings and standards. In LDS circles, when the girl decides that going topless just isn't that big a deal--which, outside a cultural context, it probably isn't--or the guy decides that drinking a beer just isn't that big a deal--which, outside of D&C 89, it probably isn't--you can almost bet on it that that person will immediately or very soon experience a crisis of faith.

But it does not have to be some sinful activity or off-the-reservation belief that underlies a crisis of faith. Reversals of fortune in life, such as the death of a loved one, suffering a debilitating injury, or even something as seemingly minor as losing one's job, can trigger this. Sometimes the person can't even figure out what it was that led to the doubt. In some cases I've seen, it seemed like the trigger was sincere and honest reflection on gospel teachings and principles. (My guess is that such honest introspection rarely, perhaps never, actually is at the root of a faith crisis, though it can be the trigger. But that's just my opinion.)

If my ideas above are correct--the basic principles above, not necessarily the personal opinions--then the long-term solution to a crisis of faith is to find out what it's a symptom of and clear that up. In most cases (not all), clearing up the root cause will make the feeling of crisis go away. (Sometimes, if the crisis allows doubt and fear to take deep root, it becomes not just a symptom, but a spiritual disease in its own right.)

At the risk of being obvious and unhelpfully general, I'd say that the ultimate solution to such a crisis is to enable the atonement of our Savior to heal one's wounds. That's probably true under all possible circumstances.

Such general counsel does seem less than helpful, I admit. But sometimes the foundational ideas really do hold the solution. Here's an example; I apologize in advance if it seems a bit strange, but in my mind, it really illustrates the principle:

When I was a new BYU undergrad, I learned in the first calculus class I ever took the definition of a differential. It seemed rather arcane to me, and I don't think I really gave it any mind, except perhaps as an exercise in memorization so I could regurgitate it on a test and then have done with it. Years later, as a physics student trying to understand various goings-on, I found that in my math, when I actually used the definition of a differential and thought about things in those terms, intractable problems suddenly became, not just solvable, but pretty easy. It was like magic! My understanding had finally matured enough that I could see the actual application of some very foundational math, rather than just a proof or definition that had to exist so that I could open up my bag of tricks and select the best trick for the job. It allowed me to actually understand the physical processes rather than just try to assign a method of solution to some problem. It was a real breakthrough for me, not just in my understanding of the physics, but in my realization of how ultimately useful and indispensable are the foundational assumptions we make.

Whether or not that has any direct application to the sibling's crisis of faith, I do think that identifying, understanding, and treating the underlying pain is probably more effective than meeting the faith crisis head-on. Ironically, that understanding and treatment is likely to come through nothing more dramatic than exercising faith and hope, praying, and living the commandments.

[MarginOfError]

I think it is important to recognize that a crisis of faith is not an acute event.  It doesn't come on quickly, and it doesn't pass quickly.

By the time a person has reached a crisis of faith, the doubts have been festering for a long time. Do not try to fix it. 

The first thing you need to do is be willing to listen to whatever your sister has to say. It's okay to say things like "I don't see it that way." But you also need to be able to say, "Thank you for sharing with me how you feel."  People who feel like they don't have a safe space in which to express their doubts leave the community.  And then it's very hard to bring them back in.

I am currently 15 years into my faith crisis. I can't tell you if I'll go back to church on any given Sunday. But one of the things that makes it easier to do so is knowing that no one is going to ostracize me for not holding conventional views.  

Going through a faith crisis requires patient, loving care. And it won't always result in the person returning to church.  But if done well, it will at least prevent open hostility to the church, and will keep a peaceful, loving environment at Thanksgiving.

[Fether]

On 9/29/2018 at 1:48 PM, Taylor Richards said:

My sister, who is nearly 30 years old, admits to having a crisis of faith. There is still some seed of hope that the church is true, but much of what she thought was true is no longer that way. She has sought out resources and materials that have convinced her that Joseph Smith was a pedophile, that he made up the Book of Mormon, and many other things which are not uncommonly held in belief by those outside our church.

I'm certain that there are members who have gone through exactly what she's going through, and have some way regained a testimony of what they once knew was true ALL ALONG. 

Can some one please help me?

Would someone who has ALREADY trudged the road she's trudging reach out to me so I can maybe help my sister in some way? She is in quite a bit of pain, and realizes there is tremendous disparity between what she believes now, and what she once held true in her heart. It doesn't help that some of her other siblings have been somewhat judgmental.

I too have a sister going through this. We were best friends growing up, but since she left the church, a minor rift has been forming. We are still great friends, but there are clear and obvious disputes in our theology.

The phrase “you choose to have faith” has been used often. For me that always seemed like a strange brainwashing term (and this comes from a faithful believer and active member of the church). But I came to realize what this means after having many discussions with my sister.

The truth of the matter is this. There is just as much lack tangible proof that Joseph Smith was a Prophet of God as there is lack of proof that he was a pedophile. We can prove he had multiple wives, we can prove who they were and for many we can prove sexual relations occurred between certain ofthem and for others  no such evidence exists, but clues point to there not being such relations.

What we CANNOT prove with similar tangible evidence is whether Joseph was a prophet of God or a pervert and pedophile that abused his power. The evidence we do have support he possibility of both (though journals and first hand accounts paint Joseph as a just righteous man).

So now we choose. Do we have faith that he was a prophet of God or an abusive leader?

[The Folk Prophet]

1 hour ago, Vort said:

enable the atonement of our Savior to heal one's wounds.

I think it behooves us to talk about "how" a bit. Clearly the basics amount to, repent, prayer, scripture study, church attendance, etc. But I think there's a point here that matter. We enable the Atonement of the Savior in our lives by having faith in Him. When one feels their losing their faith it can be a difficult idea, right? How can I enable the Atonement with my faith when my faith is slipping? Etc.

This is why I feel it's so important to understand what it means to have faith. We have faith by being faithful. We have faith by SHOWING faith. We act...and that IS faith. It isn't as important to faith that we "believe" as strongly as we might once have or not. We commit. We trust. We act. It is by doing so that we show/have faith and whereby we enable the Atonement.

In other words, when one has a so-called "crisis of faith" the best response is to exert more faith through action: a la prayer, scripture study, temple attendance, service, etc.

I dunno. Any other thoughts/insight?

[The Folk Prophet]

1 hour ago, Fether said:

I too have a sister going through this. We were best friends growing up, but since she left the church, a minor rift has been forming. We are still great friends, but there are clear and obvious disputes in our theology.

The phrase “you choose to have faith” has been used often. For me that always seemed like a strange brainwashing term (and this comes from a faithful believer and active member of the church). But I came to realize what this means after having many discussions with my sister.

The truth of the matter is this. There is just as much lack tangible proof that Joseph Smith was a Prophet of God as there is lack of proof that he was a pedophile. We can prove he had multiple wives, we can prove who they were and for many we can prove sexual relations occurred between certain ofthem and for others  no such evidence exists, but clues point to there not being such relations.

What we CANNOT prove with similar tangible evidence is whether Joseph was a prophet of God or a pervert and pedophile that abused his power. The evidence we do have support he possibility of both (though journals and first hand accounts paint Joseph as a just righteous man).

So now we choose. Do we have faith that he was a prophet of God or an abusive leader?

I might add:

None of that has any bearing on why we should have faith or what we actually should have faith in. Such things are useful. But we don't have faith in Joseph Smith. Period. We have faith in God. It is God that reveals the truth of Joseph Smith's mission. When any evidence is presented to me, no matter how compelling it may seem, it is irrelevant.

I trust what God revealed to me.

And THAT is what it means to have faith. It is where one puts their trust.