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Hello, quick intro - I converted to the LDS church around 20 years ago, was TBM for 18 years (callings, went to temple regularly, the whole 9 yards), then went inactive 2 years ago when my marriage fell apart (he had a porn addiction),  then more support fell apart (another high priest who is now in jail for the rest of their life)... so I have lost faith in the priesthood.  I have achieved "broken heart and contrite spirit" status, but have also grown angry and am now starting over from square one.  Do you think there is a place in the church for someone who has a really hard time trusting any priesthood leaders?  I might be better off stepping away from everything and having an entirely new start to it all?  

Edited by Searching
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There is absolutely a place for you here Searching.  It sounds like you have lived through some pretty hefty violations of trust.  Someone violates trust, you tend to lose trust - it sounds reasonable to me.

I know an older couple who went inactive for 5-6 years.  They had a son who committed suicide, and some folks in the church told them false doctrine about how their kid could never make it to heaven.  They were hurt for a long time - and I can see why.  Eventually, a bishopric sent them a book by Elder Morrison explaining the correct doctrine, and they returned.  Nice folks - they seem to have received some healing and comfort here.  Dang pity they had to be hurt by folks who should have known better.

You can be a believing faithful disciple of Christ, and still have your eyes wide open about how fallible and sinful humans can be, even when they hold callings.

Edited by NeuroTypical
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1 hour ago, Searching said:

so I have lost faith in the priesthood.  I have achieved "broken heart and contrite spirit" status, but have also grown angry and am now starting over from square one.  Do you think there is a place in the church for someone who has a really hard time trusting any priesthood leaders?  I might be better off stepping away from everything and having an entirely new start to it all?  

The priesthood is the power of God. Men are human, and do stupid stuff, even priesthood holder, but we cant lose hope of the priesthood just because the men who have it do stupid/evil things.

I would invite you to study as much as you can about the priesthood, and pray to your Heavenly Father for you to learn how you can be blessed by the priesthood.
 

I find it hard to understand you have achieved a broken heart and a contrite spirit but are angry.  Wouldn't a broken heart and contrite spirit actually make you humble and patient about the Lord's will?
YES! Of course! There is always a place for you at Church! The Gospel is true, that is all that matters. So don't lose hope. "However far from home and family and God you feel you have traveled, I testify that you have not traveled beyond the reach of divine love. It is not possible for you to sink lower than the infinite light of Christ’s Atonement shines." (Elder Holland).

Don't lose hope. I know how hard and difficult things can get. I also divorced ex husband because of the same reasons.  But the atonement is true, and whatever heartache you have, for whatever reason, the Savior can heal your broken heart. So just let Him in so He can heal you.

"Will ye not now return unto me, and repent of your sins, and be converted, that I may heal you?" (Jesus, 3 Nephi 9:13)

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Welcome, @Searching!  You might want to ask someone to introduce you to the RS President and ask her to be your "return buddy" (or to help you find a return buddy - a woman who can sort of be your go-between, friend, whatever).  If you simply explain what you've told us (either to the bishop or to the RSP), and what you're able to do now, or can't do right now, they can help to make your return a little easier - really, it's totally up to you -- you don't have to meet (alone) with the bishop, you don't have to have ministering brothers (or at least, you don't have to let them in your house).

Figure out what sort of interaction is OK / not OK, and let the bishop or RSP know, and they should honor that.

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Thanks so much for the replies.  It is good to have someone to talk to.

2 hours ago, Chilean said:

The priesthood is the power of God. Men are human, and do stupid stuff, even priesthood holder, but we cant lose hope of the priesthood just because the men who have it do stupid/evil things.

I would invite you to study as much as you can about the priesthood, and pray to your Heavenly Father for you to learn how you can be blessed by the priesthood.

I find it hard to understand you have achieved a broken heart and a contrite spirit but are angry.  Wouldn't a broken heart and contrite spirit actually make you humble and patient about the Lord's will?
YES! Of course! There is always a place for you at Church! The Gospel is true, that is all that matters. So don't lose hope. "However far from home and family and God you feel you have traveled, I testify that you have not traveled beyond the reach of divine love. It is not possible for you to sink lower than the infinite light of Christ’s Atonement shines." (Elder Holland).

Don't lose hope. I know how hard and difficult things can get. I also divorced ex husband because of the same reasons.  But the atonement is true, and whatever heartache you have, for whatever reason, the Savior can heal your broken heart. So just let Him in so He can heal you.

"Will ye not now return unto me, and repent of your sins, and be converted, that I may heal you?" (Jesus, 3 Nephi 9:13)

I am broken, but you are right - if contrite means repentant, I am not feeling contrite.  Everyone is human, I am not perfect - I do take caffeine pills (but do not drink coffee), I turned in my temple recommend and stopped wearing garments (could not longer support any priesthood leaders, and now associate Joseph Smith and early church polygamy with this stuff, so am having a hard time with the the restoration... did God really abandon the world for hundreds of years? is there really only one small chosen people? how is that loving?)  I do not have faith or trust in anything... what to have hope in?  I hope there is a loving God, I hope all tears will be wiped away, I hope all of these experiences refine - rather than grind to dust...  I hope as a convert I can be with my parents, and grandparents, and everyone from my family together forever - so I guess I hope there are not different degrees of glory, I hope everyone repents and learns what they need in order to be together... I hope God has given us all the correct experiences to refine and not harden us?  ... If all I can do right now is hope for something, what should I hope for?

Anger - anger at the natural laws - I am turning this into anger, not at addicted brethren, but at the natural laws that took over these brethren.  Anger that these issues persisted for so many years without help.  I wanted the church to solve these problems and to be led by God - do callings really come from God? because these brethren had callings they should not have had....  anger for kids who were not protected from harm...  I am not sure how not to be angry for kids who have been hurt?  I would love to not be angry.  

I should have divorced him.  I was told to "forgive" though, and I was scared of losing kids in a custody battle (he makes more $ than I do, and would be able to get a better lawyer).  Now I am living with... "once an addict always an addict" so just deal with it?  Redefine my morals and say "it's no big deal" to it? or I could pretend that he is "all better" because he is pretty good at hiding things?  I can "hope" for recovery?  

1 hour ago, zil said:

Welcome, @Searching!  You might want to ask someone to introduce you to the RS President and ask her to be your "return buddy" (or to help you find a return buddy - a woman who can sort of be your go-between, friend, whatever).  If you simply explain what you've told us (either to the bishop or to the RSP), and what you're able to do now, or can't do right now, they can help to make your return a little easier - really, it's totally up to you -- you don't have to meet (alone) with the bishop, you don't have to have ministering brothers (or at least, you don't have to let them in your house).

Figure out what sort of interaction is OK / not OK, and let the bishop or RSP know, and they should honor that.

 

My RS president actually does know me - she lives right around the corner.  She does not have any experience with this stuff though - neither does my bishop.  I met with him 2ce - once to turn in my temple recommend, and another time when he tried to give it back, and I did not take it.  (Tried to give my husband his, and my husband did not take his back either.)  .... the stuff with the other brother who is now in jail, it is really really bad ... people are just... scared of us now.  

I don't want to kill the spirit in meetings - in sacrament you are not expected to say anything, but I do not want to take the sacrament while I am ... angry... and the other meetings, where I might be asked a question, or asked to participate - and might blurt out something that would kill the spirit... I have not gone for a long time because I am afraid of killing the spirit for everyone else.  

I wish there was a meeting for those who are ... struggling, and in-between, where people could ask faith-crisis questions rather than just meetings for those who are "all-in".

Edited by Searching
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10 minutes ago, Searching said:

My dad grew up Catholic - he will not go to any church now...

marriage and children are a risk
You should discuss problems and risks beforehand
faith alone is not enough
Unfortunately, this does not happen in the state

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30 minutes ago, Searching said:

Did God really abandon the world for hundreds of years? is there really only one small chosen people? how is that loving?

I don't think God really abandoned us ever, I think what happens is our own choices, and our nations' choices are what drive us away from Him. The apostasy was the consequence of people forgetting about God.     ---- Chosen people?  For some reason, the Jews are a big deal in the Christian world, and in the church. They were (I think) the first people to make covenants with God. At the end, what I know to be true is that we all have the same chance to be exalted and return to Heavenly Father, and He is a loving father to all of us.

 

30 minutes ago, Searching said:

I do not have faith or trust in anything... what to have hope in?  I hope there is a loving God, I hope all tears will be wiped away, I hope all of these experiences refine - rather than grind to dust...  I hope as a convert I can be with my parents, and grandparents, and everyone from my family together forever - so I guess I hope there are not different degrees of glory, I hope everyone repents and learns what they need in order to be together... I hope God has given us all the correct experiences to refine and not harden us?  ... If all I can do right now is hope for something, what should I hope for?

For everything you just said, but at this very moment, hope to be healed, and hope to understand that things on Earth are very different that things in Heaven.

30 minutes ago, Searching said:

do callings really come from God? because these brethren had callings they should not have had....  anger for kids who were not protected from harm...  I am not sure how not to be angry for kids who have been hurt?  I would love to not be angry.  

Most callings come from God.        

Sweetie... through personal experience (many years of experience unfortunately as a child) I can tell you, do not feel anger for those kids that weren't protected, It's already too late, but pray to have forgiveness in your heart. Pray for those children to find healing (Just like I did :) )    Thank you for that anger, but anger leaves no space for hope and love and forgiveness, if I have been able to forgive you can too. 

This life is beautiful even when we get to experience hell, but we still have a Heavenly Father who loves us, and there is always hope.  You know the plan, you know what the idea, the plan, for being in this earthy world is. So just hold on to that truth. The Gospel is true, and this life on Earth is but a twinkle of an eye, and it'll be over before we know it, and we'll return with our heavenly father.

Don't lose hope.

 

Edited by Chilean
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25 minutes ago, Searching said:

I should have divorced him.  I was told to "forgive" though, and I was scared of losing kids in a custody battle (he makes more $ than I do, and would be able to get a better lawyer).  Now I am living with... "once an addict always an addict" so just deal with it?  Redefine my morals and say "it's no big deal" to it? or I could pretend that he is "all better" because he is pretty good at hiding things?  I can "hope" for recovery?  

Read that manual. :)

Healing through Christ.pdf

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34 minutes ago, Searching said:

I wish there was a meeting for those who are ... struggling, and in-between, where people could ask faith-crisis questions rather than just meetings for those who are "all-in".

That's ALL OF US.

Perfect people don't need Church.  They're already perfect.  The Church is not a group of all-in people.  The Church is a group of people striving to be good and gaining/giving support to other striving people.  Of course, as they are also striving, sometimes they end up hurting other people or trying to help but failing spectacularly.

All of your faith questions are that - faith questions.  Nobody can make you believe something is true one way or the other.  I mean, if you think about it, how do you prove Jesus Christ is God?  Or that there's a God for that matter?  I teach CTR5 and last Sunday, the Primary Presidency gave me a question for my class to answer (their answers will be included in the Sacrament Primary Program).  The question is... "How do I know Heavenly Father loves me?".  Yep, CTR5 - 5 year olds.  How does a 5-year-old know Heavenly Father loves them?  I asked each kid and they have the following answers "because He made trees", "because Mom told me"... if you think about it - those are true answers.  But it takes faith to believe that God made trees and not some random chance occurrence in the universe.  And it takes faith in your Mother to believe that what she teaches you is true.  You will need to look at things like a 5-year-old again.  What does it matter if Joseph Smith was a pedophile if you can't believe the Book of Mormon is true?  And if the Book of Mormon is true, then Joseph was a prophet and his restoration of eternal sealings is true... you have to start with one Truth that you can believe in - God made trees - and work your way, line upon line, precept upon precept from there.  Because you can't LOGICALLY prove these things - you can only gain confirmation for these things through the Holy Spirit.  Did God give the Catholic Bishops the authority of Apostles?  How do you prove that?  You can't.  Because you can't SEE let alone PROVE authority.  You either believe it or you don't.  Nobody can prove it to you.  Did Joseph Smith sexually abuse 13 year olds?  You either believe it or you don't.  Nobody can prove it to you.

Line upon line, precept upon precept.  Go back to the basics.  Pray to God and the Holy Ghost for confirmation.  Build upon the Truths that you know.  Go to Church and practice loving people with all their failings.  Practice loving yourself and all your failings.  That is the greatest lesson Jesus Christ has ever given.  Love others as yourself and you'll find joy in the doing if not the receiving.  I say don't worry about the sins of others.  God will worry about them.  Worry only about your own struggles and try to bring yourself one step closer to God everyday and if you have the capacity, help those who are struggling too.

Edited by anatess2
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