Relief society hesitation

[Hello]

I am a convert and my husband has always been a member. We have been married a year and this is both of our second marriage. We go the same ward him and his first wife attended during their marriage and shortly after their divorce before she moved to different boundaries. I have found that most of the women, even the men, in the ward do not address me or reach out to me. I smile. And try to say hi. But can feel that I’m an outcast. I’ve made it a point to attend sacrament and Sunday school because I can go with my husband. I feel safe. But have yet to branch out to RS. I would have no one to sit with or interact with. I suffer from some anxiety so that doesn’t help. My husband voiced his concern that he wants me to go to RS to not just be a member of the church but to be part of the church. But how do I do that when I feel unwanted? Please help.  

[zil]

Hello, @Hello!  I'm so sorry for the trial you're having.  It's especially difficult because you cannot solve it alone.  I wonder if ministering assignments aren't a way to start to solve this problem.  Are you assigned as a ministering sister?  If not, please let the RS President know you want to be.  If you are, then you have a companion and sisters to whom you are assigned to minister.  You should also have sisters assigned to minister to you.  You can see all these assignments in your entry in LDS Tools by swiping over to the "MINISTERING" tab/section of your entry.  (Your husband and/or ward clerk can help you get LDS Tools set up on your smart-phone.  If you or your husband don't have a smart phone, the RS President (or any presidency member) can get you this information.

By reaching out to your companion, to the sisters to whom you minister, and/or the sisters who minister to you, you can begin to make connections, and thereby have sisters to sit with on Sunday (hopefully at least one of these is in RS rather than all of them being in YW or Primary during the 3rd hour).  If by some weird fluke, they're all in YW / Primary during the 3rd hour, you can explain your concerns to the RS President and ask if should would make a change so that at least one of these people is in RS on Sunday.

You might also consider going to RS and looking for someone sitting alone and asking her if you could sit with her.  I know this is all difficult when you are the newbie and everyone seems to know each other, but in my experience, this is the best way to resolve this problem.

Edited October 8, 2018 by zil

[Hello]

Thanks. I have ministering sisters. They’ve visited once. But it was awkward to say the least. I think it’s hard when they are all his ex’s former sisters and still her friends. It’s almost feels like they feel like it’s  a betrayal to her if they are friends with me. Things got a bit easier after she changed wards but nothing really got better. Even men that talk to my husband will completely ignore me. But I do have a good relationship with the missionaries and keep a week day set for weekly dinners. They also help me attending sacrament and Sunday school. 

[Guest MormonGator]

Oh, I can relate. In my ward, I haven't really hit it off with anyone either. 

Try your best to keep your chin up, and  if it persists, contact your bishop or ministering family and tell them how you feel. It's SO hard to not fit in with your ward, I feel so sorry for you. 

Edited October 8, 2018 by MormonGator

[JohnsonJones]

I have a son-in-law that has a similar situation, but where ever he goes to church.  He tends to bring books to read.  I'm not sure if that is keeping in the spirit of the church, but it keeps him engaged and not as much worried about others in the class.

It can be hard to be alone in Relief Society and other areas.  You may be surprised at how many others may feel similar. 

This may or may not work. 

Go to Relief Society and look to see if another lady (young or old or in between) is also lacking a friend or others talking to her.  Sit by her and be friendly.  Try to make friends with her.  It may be there are others that feel very similar to you and would welcome someone they could call a friend in Relief Society.

I'm not sure if that would help, but it may be a possibility.

This can be an EXCEPTIONALLY hard thing to do when one has anxiety.  In this instance, perhaps voicing this concern to the Relief Society President and asking for some help could aid you.

I hope that you can find a friend or friends in the ward, and pray that you will at least find comfort in going to church.

[Guest MormonGator]

I just want to reiterate the point @Hello made. It's not about being offended-because that's easy to fix. You can ignore people who offend you and you don't have to associate with them. It's more about established wards sometimes not being welcoming to newcomers. If it happened to both myself and @Hello, I'm sure it's happened to other people as well. 

And of course no one here is the problem. Just pass it along if you hear anything. 

Edited October 8, 2018 by MormonGator

[Fether]

@Hello

honestly, call your bishop and the relief society president and tell them  my wife did that a few months ago  after we moved to our new ward and  she was feeling just like you are now. After that everything got better

[dahlia]

On 10/8/2018 at 2:33 PM, Hello said:

I’ve made it a point to attend sacrament and Sunday school because I can go with my husband. I feel safe. But have yet to branch out to RS. I would have no one to sit with or interact with. I suffer from some anxiety so that doesn’t help. My husband voiced his concern that he wants me to go to RS to not just be a member of the church but to be part of the church. But how do I do that when I feel unwanted? Please help.  

I found I had to ask the sisters not to fall over themselves to sit next to me.   Yes, the sisters could probably do better with their fellowship and talk to you more, but I doubt no one will sit next to you in RS. Or - here's a thought. You could plop yourself next to some sister and save her from sitting by herself.

The other issue I have is why, as a grown woman, you feel you don't feel safe in a room full of women if you end up sitting by yourself? If you sit by yourself for a bit until people get to know you, is that so bad? Speak up in the discussion, so that people get to know who you are and your ideas. You may always seem like a stranger if you sit by yourself and don't say anything for the whole hour. 

As an aside: Maybe it's an east coast thing with me, needing a bit more personal space, maybe it's a ward full of young women who are home with kids all day and anxious to speak to other adults on Sunday, but this need to sit next to people is kinda weird. Doesn't anybody want to sit alone and contemplate? 

[anatess2]

If you have Sister MIssionaries in your ward, ask them to go with you to RS for your first foray into the class.

Your husband probably knows couples in the ward he connects with and who he knows you'll also connect with.  Ask your husband to invite them over to your house for dinner or something, then sit with her in RS.

Also, you can ask your husband to walk you to RS and stay with you until you find somebody to sit with.