Overwhelming and a Burden


Petty3
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I have been struggling for sometime now with things.  I've been dealing with the trama from abuse in my past.  And I've made some choices that haven't been the best.  I know I'm depressed and often have wished I was not alive.

Last night I met with my bishop.  He's been helpful and understanding most of the time.  Last night he told me that I can be intense and that I am overwhelming and a burden to others.

I feel so sad.  I don't want to be a burden to others.  I try to pretend I'm fine when I'm with others and not talk about my problems.  I often isolate myself when I'm down just so I am not being a burden. 

Specifically he said I was overwhelming to the rs president.  I think that's weird bcuz although I've been truthful with her and she knows what I'm going through I rarely speak to her.  It's been several weeks since I've talked to more than just in passing.

Any advice?  How can I be less of a burden?  At this time I feel like I want to distance myself from all ward members.

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It sounds as if the Relief Society President may also have difficulties and problems.  At times members are called that have great difficulties as well, and so they have a hard time dealing with other problems.  That does NOT make you a burden to them in my opinion, but it may be that they cannot deal with their own difficulties and the problems of others in the ward at the same time.

However, if what you stated is the advice the Bishop gave to you, it was the wrong advice.  You are NEVER a burden within the church with what you've described.  It may be simply that one needs to find the right person to express these concerns with.  

If your Bishop says something to the idea that someone is feeling overwhelmed, express that you are trying to do your best to be a Good Members of the church, but you need the church's assistance in helping your deal with your burdens.  If it is not the Relief Society President, then ask who you can turn to.  If you need a woman to lean upon and he suggests a man, tell him that will not work, that it needs to be a woman.

If you are in an area with many LDS members he may set you up with LDS counselors who will talk with you.  Nevertheless, do not let one lone Bishop tell you that you are a BURDEN.  You are a special child of God and important.  You are unique and your special qualities make the church (and I'm certain your ward as well) a better place to be.

If you ever feel like you are overwhelmed and that leads to being suicidal PLEASE contact 1-800-273-8255.  There also seems to be chat located on this site http://suicidehotlines.com/national.html

You are not alone and people care about you and you are important to them, even if you do not realize it.  If your Bishop is callous it may also be that he does not understand.  Most Bishops who are called have no background in dealing with many of those who have handicaps, disabilities, or even simple problems and difficulties.  At times, because they have no training in this they have no idea how to deal with such things. 

Sometimes they call Bishops who have massive problems already of their own (and the same with Relief Society Presidents) and so have a very hard time dealing with others who also have difficulties.  That makes a hard spot for a Bishop to be in.  Bishops don't always give the right advice and sometimes they make mistakes.  Elder Eyering even admits that he makes mistakes and has found out at times very personally.  An interesting story of his...

The Lord leads his church

Quote

 remember one young man who asked for counsel about his educational choices. He was a freshman at a very good university. A week after I had given the advice, he scheduled an appointment with me.

When he came into the office, he surprised me by asking, “Bishop, could we pray before we talk? And could we kneel? And may I pray?”

His requests surprised me. But his prayer surprised me even more. It went something like this: “Heavenly Father, You know that Bishop Eyring gave me advice last week, and it didn’t work. Please inspire him to know what I am to do now.”

Now you might smile at that, but I didn’t. He already knew what the Lord wanted him to do. But he honored the office of a bishop in the Lord’s Church and perhaps wanted me to have the chance to gain greater confidence to receive revelation in that calling.

It worked. As soon as we stood up and then sat down, the revelation came to me. I told him what I felt the Lord would have him do. He was only 18 years old then, but he was mature in spiritual years.

However, regardless of their own situation, no one is ever a burden on the Ward.  They each add and contribute in their own way and are vital for the ward community and for the ward to even be there.  I hope you realize how special you are and how important you are to the people around you.

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10 hours ago, Petty3 said:

I have been struggling for sometime now with things.  I've been dealing with the trama from abuse in my past.  And I've made some choices that haven't been the best.  I know I'm depressed and often have wished I was not alive.

Last night I met with my bishop.  He's been helpful and understanding most of the time.  Last night he told me that I can be intense and that I am overwhelming and a burden to others.

I feel so sad.  I don't want to be a burden to others.  I try to pretend I'm fine when I'm with others and not talk about my problems.  I often isolate myself when I'm down just so I am not being a burden. 

Specifically he said I was overwhelming to the rs president.  I think that's weird bcuz although I've been truthful with her and she knows what I'm going through I rarely speak to her.  It's been several weeks since I've talked to more than just in passing.

Any advice?  How can I be less of a burden?  At this time I feel like I want to distance myself from all ward members.

It seems like you accept that you are dealing with major mental health issues so I'm just going to say it as it is.  GO SEEK PROFESSIONAL HELP.  You need professional help so that, not only can you be less of a burden you can also be a contributor.  Distancing yourself from ward members is the wrong move because it takes you farther from Christ which is going the opposite direction of peace.  Christ's formula for joy is to love and serve others as ourselves.  You can't do that when you have mental health challenges.  So, just like when you have a broken arm you go to a doctor to get it fixed, you do the same thing with mental health issues - you go to a doctor.  And just like the bishop and the RS President can't really help you fix your broken arm, they can't help you fix your broken mental health either.  So, a lot people say, "I can't afford to see a mental health doctor.", well, if you break your arm and you can't afford to go to the doctor, what do you do?  It would be the same thing with a broken psyche.  That's something the bishop may be able to help you with - where to find money to pay for these things.  You can't do this alone.  You need somebody who knows how to fix your brain.

Best wishes and good luck.

 

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11 hours ago, Petty3 said:

Last night he told me that I can be intense and that I am overwhelming and a burden to others.

Specifically he said I was overwhelming to the rs president.  

 

Any advice?  

I'd like to start with exact quotes from the bishop.  Are you saying that he looked you in the eyes and said "Sister Petty3, you can be intense and you are overwhelming and a burden to others."?  

Or did he say something like "Oh, I think the RS president can get a little overwhelmed by a lot of requests", and you're taking it and making it personal?

Something in the middle?

So what exactly did he say?

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I had a quick talk with him again and he said he never said I was a burden.  But I know he did say that word because it hit me so hard when he said it.  He specifically said I was intense and overwhelming.  (which being overwhelming is the same thing in my eyes as being a burden right now)

I was at the church again last night to help the YW with something and the RS pres was there.  I took her aside and said to her that I wanted to apologize for being overwhelming and that I was sorry if I had been a burden to her.  She looked me in the eyes and told me she thinks of me as a daughter and that I have never been a burden and that she only wants to help me.  She said I can talk to her anytime.  She said that the bishop probably was trying to take things off her plate and thought I was overwhelming to her.

It still makes me want to pull away though.  

I am seeing a counselor once every 3 or 4 weeks.  I have felt like this counselor has helped, but I feel like I have stopped progressing with her.  I just don't have it in me to start over and find someone else, but I will try.

Ever since our talk Tuesday evening I have felt like crying (and I'm not a crier).  I woke up early Wed morning and couldn't stop crying.  My husband finally gave me a blessing.  Then I went to the temple this morning (it took everything I had to get myself there) and did initories and cried through the whole thing.  I hate feeling like a burden.  I know that isolating and pulling away is not a good idea, but I don't want to be around others feeling like this.  I am fighting myself and forcing myself to take care of the things that I need to do.  I try to put on a smile,  and do what I have to do, but when I get home each afternoon I have nothing left and I head to bed.

 

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1 hour ago, Petty3 said:

I had a quick talk with him again and he said he never said I was a burden.  But I know he did say that word because it hit me so hard when he said it.  He specifically said I was intense and overwhelming.  (which being overwhelming is the same thing in my eyes as being a burden right now)

I was at the church again last night to help the YW with something and the RS pres was there.  I took her aside and said to her that I wanted to apologize for being overwhelming and that I was sorry if I had been a burden to her.  She looked me in the eyes and told me she thinks of me as a daughter and that I have never been a burden and that she only wants to help me.  She said I can talk to her anytime.  She said that the bishop probably was trying to take things off her plate and thought I was overwhelming to her.

It still makes me want to pull away though.  

I am seeing a counselor once every 3 or 4 weeks.  I have felt like this counselor has helped, but I feel like I have stopped progressing with her.  I just don't have it in me to start over and find someone else, but I will try.

Ever since our talk Tuesday evening I have felt like crying (and I'm not a crier).  I woke up early Wed morning and couldn't stop crying.  My husband finally gave me a blessing.  Then I went to the temple this morning (it took everything I had to get myself there) and did initories and cried through the whole thing.  I hate feeling like a burden.  I know that isolating and pulling away is not a good idea, but I don't want to be around others feeling like this.  I am fighting myself and forcing myself to take care of the things that I need to do.  I try to put on a smile,  and do what I have to do, but when I get home each afternoon I have nothing left and I head to bed.

 

Petty3, it would be better for you if you think of your depression like a broken arm.  So, like, when your arm is still broken in the constant care of your orthopaedic doctor and you don't feel that it's progressing, you can't just stop seeing a doctor and  leave the arm broken.  You'll need to figure out if you'll need a new doctor or if you'll need to see the doctor more often or if there's some instructions your doctor is giving that you somehow missed, etc.  The thing is, mental issues is a lot more difficult to heal than a broken arm so it would take a lot of time and perseverance. 

But the goal is clear - you need to develop coping mechanisms that allow you to go around your mental health challenges and live healthy.  Putting on a smile and everything else is not coping if it is making you more unhealthy.  What you need to do is to be honest with people that you are struggling and that you're still figuring out ways to cope and don't have the energy to smile.  When you do decide to smile, then do it as a service to people... there should be joy in service, not "draining".  If it is draining, then you're not ready for that service.  Be honest to yourself and to everyone else around you.  Don't worry about what they say.  If the bishop says you're overwhelming don't worry about it.  All you need to worry about is that you are honestly and diligently and with an open and humble heart seeking peace.  Pray to God for inspiration and forgive those who hurt you.

And that's all I really have to say about that.  I have mental health issues.  Everybody knows it, even my kids.  I don't pretend to be happy when I'm not happy.  I simply tell my friends and family - "I am grumpy right now but I'm working hard on it but I would really love to serve you I just don't know how yet".

Edited by anatess2
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15 hours ago, Petty3 said:

I have been struggling for sometime now with things.  I've been dealing with the trama from abuse in my past.  And I've made some choices that haven't been the best.  I know I'm depressed and often have wished I was not alive.

Last night I met with my bishop.  He's been helpful and understanding most of the time.  Last night he told me that I can be intense and that I am overwhelming and a burden to others.

I feel so sad.  I don't want to be a burden to others.  I try to pretend I'm fine when I'm with others and not talk about my problems.  I often isolate myself when I'm down just so I am not being a burden. 

Specifically he said I was overwhelming to the rs president.  I think that's weird bcuz although I've been truthful with her and she knows what I'm going through I rarely speak to her.  It's been several weeks since I've talked to more than just in passing.

Any advice?  How can I be less of a burden?  At this time I feel like I want to distance myself from all ward members.

Having been there, here's my advice:

Seeking professional help is a good thing.  You're doing this, and that's good.

Now speaking of non-proffesionals, let's start with some basic observations--

-- Obviously a non-proffeisonal they can't fix professional grade issues, so let's not expect them to.  

-- Also depression can warp perceptions.  So when something seems funky, let's double check it.  The weird communication with your bishop is an example of this.

-- Other people do have their own burdens.  Folks find certain things easier to work through but other things may be really hard for them.

 

When I was struggling with my abuse issues, I found it really hard to.... I either wanted to say nothing & lie, or to spiel out my entire life story.   I didn't really have a middle setting of saying "I'm sad today".   Working through things, I found that it helped to be able to reach that middle ground-- so I could get some assurance from a casual friend, but didn't need to go into the whole big thing. I also found that talking to people as respecting: "hey are you super busy today or do you have some time?"  helped a lot as well.  Also developing healthy coping mechanisms is an important part of healing: like if I'm just a little sad, perhaps I go out and exercise to cheer up. 

Edited by Jane_Doe
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21 hours ago, Petty3 said:

Any advice?  How can I be less of a burden?  At this time I feel like I want to distance myself from all ward members.

One thing you might consider is finding a really fun and fulfilling volunteer opportunity.  And when i say fun, i really mean it.  Don't go do something that doesn't seem like fun to you.  But just about any hobby, and there's a way to volunteer doing it.  The poet help kids with writing in a school, working at a animal rescue facility, the equestrian helping kids at a therapeutic riding facility, and on, and on.  volunteermatch.org is a good website for this.

It's really nice to be wanted and valued and needed.  And that's the only reason i say to do things like that.  Not because of "forgetting one's self".  To be honest, i think that's horrible advice - especially for someone who has suffered abuse.  It's because often the people will show you in ways that can't be misconstrued, that you are not a burden.  And they often do that in such genuine ways that you can believe it about yourself too.  

You're definitely not a burden, and i don't think the bishop is bad.  But the dynamics almost inherent in an interaction like that - i just don't think it engenders the best feelings in all participants.  

Really sorry you are feeling like this.

btw - i frequently say stuff that is stupid - mainly because i don't understand situations entirely.  So if i did in this case, and that's totally obvious to you, please accept my sincere apologies and forget everything i wrote :) 

Edited by lostinwater
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(Old Testament | Psalms 55:22)
22  Cast thy burden upon the LORD, and he shall sustain thee: he shall never suffer the righteous to be moved.
 

Perhaps you could also listen contemplatively to hymn 110

https://www.lds.org/music/library/hymns/cast-thy-burden-upon-the-lord?lang=eng

Cast thy burden upon the Lord,
And he shall sustain thee.
He never will suffer the righteous to fall.
He is at thy right hand.
Thy mercy, Lord, is great
And far above the heav'ns.
Let none be made ashamed
That wait upon thee.

 

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On 10/17/2018 at 8:50 PM, Petty3 said:

I have been struggling for sometime now with things.  I've been dealing with the trama from abuse in my past.  And I've made some choices that haven't been the best.  I know I'm depressed and often have wished I was not alive.........I  feel so sad.  I don't want to be a burden to others.  I try to pretend I'm fine when I'm with others and not talk about my problems.  I often isolate myself when I'm down just so I am not being a burden. 

Any advice?  How can I be less of a burden?  At this time I feel like I want to distance myself from all ward members.

Petty3,  I'm so sorry you are sad and paste on the happy face when you are around others.... depression is not a fun thing to deal with alone (when your not alone). I actually found a lot of good help and solace on this site from a lot of different people that helped ease the burden. Someone told me to see a LDS mental health counselor - best advice I could have had. I learned to visualize the Savior giving me a hug and absorbing my burdens, heartache and sorrows. Knowing that Jesus is always there when I needed Him..... what a blessing! I prayed and cried unashamedly when my heart was breaking.... and found solace and peace. It was a learning experience that worked for me.

Don't forget to put your name on the Temple prayer roll ........ prayers are important!

 

 

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6 hours ago, Suzie said:

Petty3, I am very sorry to hear about your situation. Please contact your counselor ASAP. Based on the limited information you posted here, once every 3 to 4 weeks isn't enough. Please keep us posted.

YOU ARE LOVED.

I know I should call and see my counselor again but it's been several weeks and I cancelled my last appt so I have nothing scheduled. I'm nervous about going to talk to her again cuz I feel like I'm a disappointment and a failure.  I'm wanting to find another counselor...maybe someone who does emdr although I'm not sure if that's right for me.

I have a plan on how I could end my life but looking for the timing to be right.  I wish things could be different.

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  1. 1. When upon life’s billows you are tempest-tossed,
    When you are discouraged, thinking all is lost,
    Count your many blessings; name them one by one,
    And it will surprise you what the Lord has done.
  2. Count your blessings;
    Name them one by one.
    Count your blessings;
    See what God hath done.
    Count your blessings;
    Name them one by one.
    Count your many blessings;
    See what God hath done.
  3. 2. Are you ever burdened with a load of care?
    Does the cross seem heavy you are called to bear?
    Count your many blessings; ev’ry doubt will fly,
    And you will be singing as the days go by.
  4. Count your blessings;
    Name them one by one.
    Count your blessings;
    See what God hath done.
    Count your blessings;
    Name them one by one.
    Count your many blessings;
    See what God hath done.
  5. 3. When you look at others with their lands and gold,
    Think that Christ has promised you his wealth untold.
    Count your many blessings; money cannot buy
    Your reward in heaven nor your home on high.
  6. Count your blessings;
    Name them one by one.
    Count your blessings;
    See what God hath done.
    Count your blessings;
    Name them one by one.
    Count your many blessings;
    See what God hath done.
  7. 4. So amid the conflict, whether great or small,
    Do not be discouraged; God is over all.
    Count your many blessings; angels will attend,
    Help and comfort give you to your journey’s end
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@Petty3

Having a plan for suicide is bad news! Push that thought away. Need to call one of these services! 

https://utahsuicideprevention.org/get-help

http://www.suicide.org/hotlines/utah-suicide-hotlines.html

Kim Myers
Suicide Prevention Coordinator, Utah Department of Human Services
Utah Department of Human Services
195 N 1950 W
Salt Lake CityUT 84116
United States
Phone: (801) 538-4028
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Guest LiterateParakeet
19 hours ago, Suzie said:

Petty3, I am very sorry to hear about your situation. Please contact your counselor ASAP. Based on the limited information you posted here, once every 3 to 4 weeks isn't enough. Please keep us posted.

YOU ARE LOVED.

This is my thought as well.  For years, I went to therapy twice a week.  Depression can make you want to isolate yourself, but isolating yourself will only make you feel worse.  

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Guest LiterateParakeet
12 hours ago, Petty3 said:

I have a plan on how I could end my life but looking for the timing to be right.  I wish things could be different.

I had a plan once too.  I understand why one would make such a plan, but please,  Talk to your counselor, increase your therapy sessions...perhaps the reason you haven't felt that you are making progress with this therapist is because you aren't seeing her enough.  

Things can be different, I promise.  I can say this not only because I have been where you are, but because I have talked to many others who have been there as well.  It does get better.  Hold on, you will be glad you did.  I am.  

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18 hours ago, Petty3 said:

 I have a plan on how I could end my life but looking for the timing to be right.  I wish things could be different.

Petty3- I implore you to reconsider any plan you have on ending your life. My father took his life and it has affected me, my brothers and sister ever since.  I know that wasn't his plan to emotionally hurt his family like he did, but that is what happened. He let depression take over his life, and would'nt talk to anyone about it because....... you got it..... he didn't want to be a burden to anyone.

He missed seeing his great grandson get married and the birth of his great-great granddaughter a year later. We all missed the chance of seeing the love and joy of him holding his 5th generation.

 Things CAN be different- you have to keep trying different things till you find one that actually helps.

Writing helped me, talking to good friends (not family), collecting sports cards and watching hockey! Different things for different people! :-)

You might think it'll all be good when your gone - but it's not. The heartache, mental anguish and emotional scars will stay with those who love you.

Don't give up...... try, try and try again. You could try watching hockey!

 

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On 10/20/2018 at 12:19 AM, askandanswer said:

The only failure is giving up. 

I totally agree - giving up keeps you from the blessings to come. Enduring may be hard, but we must endure. I found this wonderful quote from Jeffrey R. Holland:

“Don't you quit. You keep walking. You keep trying. There is help and happiness ahead. Some blessings come soon, some come late, and some don’t come until heaven; but for those who embrace the gospel of Jesus Christ, they come. It will be all right in the end. Trust God and believe in good things to come.”

Good things will come!

 

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@Lindy & @LiterateParakeet thank you for your kind words.  I'm trying to find hope and strength.  I have a very good friend who I spent a couple hours taking with yesterday.  She is wise and had insight.  I have an appointment with a new counselor but it's not until next Monday cuz she's on vacation this week.  I'm not ready to get rid of my plan...I feel like I need something just in case.  I'm am trying and trying to have hope.  It feels so hard right now though.

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9 hours ago, Petty3 said:

@Lindy & @LiterateParakeet thank you for your kind words.  I'm trying to find hope and strength.  I have a very good friend who I spent a couple hours taking with yesterday.  She is wise and had insight.  I have an appointment with a new counselor but it's not until next Monday cuz she's on vacation this week.  I'm not ready to get rid of my plan...I feel like I need something just in case.  I'm am trying and trying to have hope.  It feels so hard right now though.

Hi Petty, I think you need to check yourself into a hospital.  They'll check you in and watch over you just to make sure you don't act on your plan if you can't get rid of it.  They'll then work with your counselor to build that hope.

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