Your advice to a member wants to court a non-member?


Bini

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So, this is going to sound judgmental of him; but I firmly believe that you’re allowed—even supposed—to be judgmental of potential marriage prospects.  

I think @Vort pretty much has it:  the guy isn’t thinking so much as he’s feeling.  Once he takes the time to think things through, then either 1) he’s going to start wanting you to conform to the ideal he’s been brought up to expect; or 2) he will decide he doesn’t take his own religion all that seriously, which means there’s a strong possibility he’s about to go through  a questioning period that will lead to either a loss of faith, a shift of faith traditions, or a doubling down on his current faith (and then, see observation # 1).  And at this point you don’t know where that questioning road will end.  All you really know is that whatever he is now, he probably won’t be in five years.  Is that a risk you’re willing to take?

Edited by Just_A_Guy
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22 hours ago, Bini said:

Yes.

 

 

Well then you know the answer, on a side note full disclosure about your religious history will probably be important sooner rather than later if you decide to date him, if he is even a moderately practicing member this may be a deal breaker

 

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3 hours ago, omegaseamaster75 said:

Well then you know the answer, on a side note full disclosure about your religious history will probably be important sooner rather than later if you decide to date him, if he is even a moderately practicing member this may be a deal breaker

 

No, I don’t know the answer. I have a million things going through my head. There’s at least two people in this thread that feel something like this could work. That said, I lean towards it being a high risk relationship, but do I know the answer? No.

I think JAG outlined it pretty well and I agree. He is not thinking things through. While we share the same long term goal of a committed relationship/marriage, I don’t want religion and he does, and that’s an issue. 

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On 10/24/2018 at 9:09 PM, Bini said:

I have been divorced for a little while and I'm finally at a stage where I'm ready to start meeting new people. I've gone on some dates but haven't been excited about any one person to continue seeing them exclusively. Recently, a few weeks ago, I met a man who I seem to have a lot in common with. We started off with app messages, then text messages, and now we're doing video chats. It didn't come up right away but I have learned that he's an active LDS and wants to remain active. I told him that I am not a member and that I don't plan on converting but he still wants to meet and see where things go. What is the motive here, do you think? We met on a dating app, so I assume he's wanting some sort of relationship that leads to marriage. For whatever it's worth, I have not gotten a creepy vibe from him, and our conversations remain clean and interesting. I'm just baffled a little, I guess. Anyway, from my understanding, it's frowned upon for members to pursue non-members, mainly because core beliefs don't align. And I'd bet that most of you would advise him to run far away from a non-member... So I'm a little confused. Do these sort of relationships ever work out? 

My husband is a member I am not. We have been married 24 years, so for us it has worked out well. I am sure a lot of people advised him not to date me and lots of people told me not to date him. My parents didn't speak to me for 5 years after I married my husband. 

 

 I am sure he likes you and just wants to get to know you better. I wouldn't worry about his motive, if he likes you he will show you and if he wants to be with you the fact that you aren't a member wont be an issue. 

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Lots of people have given there ideas and they make sense.  But most are judging the possibly that the man might change his mind about being OK with you not being a member... and that is them playing the odds...  People are not odds.. People are unique individuals who can be different then expected.

With people you get no guarantees... you can find someone who you think is perfect only to have them turn out to be a horribly abusive monster after you get married... and that other guy who seems to have everything stacked against them might just be able to turn it around and be the best partner you could ever have..  There is simply no guarantee.

The best you can do is know what you want... and then do your due diligence.  If this guy is generally acceptable (based on what you currently know)  Then it is time for due diligence..  If you have a concern about him remaining ok with you not becoming a member then you should ask him to explain why he is ok with it (aka talk about it).  Then listen very carefully to what he says and how he says it.  You know how important it can be to many members, he needs to have a solid, logical reasonable answer that shows he has thought it through.  If his head and his heart are in the same place then he is more likely to be and remain stable on the issue. (Again no guarantees but it is a much better sign)

If he can't really answer the question, or his answer does not make alot of sense, or shows he really has not thought it through then yeah he is probably being lead by emotions. His head and heart are not in the same place which means it is unstable and prone to change, because eventually they will sync up.

A single date is not a commitment and it might be worth it to see where he really is on the issue.

 

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I can give you many examples of happy part member families.

Listen, give the guy a chance.  Why make up his mind for him?  You aren't committing to marriage at this point.  Most likely this guy is an honorable person and respectable.  Date him a couple of time and find out who he is.  If he seems like a guy that is out to "help you", then move on.  

But you want a guy that is going to respect you and this guy probably will.

 

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Nice to see you around Bini.

In answer to your title question, my advice to a member wanting to court a non-member would be to avoid doing so. The exception being if they lived in an area where no other members were available to court, and even then I might suggest looking at moving to find a spouse. This is because the gospel of Jesus Christ isn't simply a hobby on the side, but a way of life, a moral compass by which all other decisions are to be made. More than just considering personal desires for life's direction, but also what values are taught to children who are or will be involved. It's important for parents to have a united front and if one parent has drastically different ideas on how to raise children it will create a great deal of familial strife.

But, that question would seem to be the advice to give to the man interested in pursuing you in the case spelled out here. The advice I would give to you is to decide whether or not you have any interest in getting to know him better. If so, I don't see anything wrong with meeting and seeing where things go. The caveat being that you are upfront with him about your religious history and current state of desire to not have religion in your life. If he's a worthwhile guy he'll appreciate your candor and then you can both make informed decisions about the trajectory your relationship may take from there. On the flip side, if you already feel that his religiosity is enough of a concern for you, it might also be worth simply turning him down or explaining that his religious beliefs are incompatible with your beliefs and you think it best for you both to pass on this one.

Edited by SpiritDragon
typo
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