Feeling Under Pressure to Commit


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I began formally investigating the church the week after April General Conference. From the beginning my family was firmly against the idea and for my 4 month summer vacation I was unable to attend church, had to meet missionaries in secret and was unable to abstain from tea and coffee without causing a row. Every sunday I would feel guilty and miserable for my lack of church attendance, and I felt constantly bad about not keeping the Words of Wisdom. The last time I attempted to open the topic of church for discussion my mum said that if I would not cut contact with the missionaries, she'd contact them for me and say that we could no longer meet, and that she would never support me joining the church. I did end up cutting contact for around a month, but then continued again in secret. I am 20 years old so do not need my parents consent to join, but the idea of doing so when it is clearly against my families wishes and in secret makes me incredibly uncomfortable. I've never kept a big secret from my family before, or ever gone against my parents with anything without having my siblings support. It also makes me uncomfortable the idea of making baptismal covenants that I am not certain I will be able to keep when I return home from university. I cannot say that the church or Book of Mormon is true with confidence, but the fact I can say there is truth to it seems enough for the missionaries. One of the missionaries I met at home is a zone leader who apparently asks about me every time he calls and has suggested multiple baptism dates. The current missionaries I meet keep saying about how everything will fall into place once I'm baptised since I'll have the constant companionship of the Holy Ghost, and members keep saying over and over what a 'special spirit' I am, and how our Heavenly Parents would be devastated if I fell away. When I've prayed about baptism and joining I haven't felt positive about it and it really doesn't feel like the right time, but every time I mention that I just end up being asked 'if not now, when??' I feel like the decision to join the church is having its significance down played. I don't want to rush it, or go ahead when I feel like I may regret it and still have so many doubts and uncertainties. It feels like everyone around me is over estimating how strong my feelings are towards it and I just feel so anxious about it all it makes me want to flee. I don't want to be one of those people who spend 30 years meeting with missionaries and mulling things over...but I just feel I need more time. I have been investigating 6 months which I've been told is a long time but also I've only actually attended church around 6 times within that bracket. The missionaries have realised their invites to be baptised are making me anxious and uncomfortable so they agreed they won't offer it again until I ask, but they keep pressing and pressing for me to ask and I just don't know how to get everyone to give me some space to work things out... 

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14 hours ago, JoyGraceMercy said:

I began formally investigating the church the week after April General Conference. From the beginning my family was firmly against the idea and for my 4 month summer vacation I was unable to attend church, had to meet missionaries in secret and was unable to abstain from tea and coffee without causing a row. Every sunday I would feel guilty and miserable for my lack of church attendance, and I felt constantly bad about not keeping the Words of Wisdom. The last time I attempted to open the topic of church for discussion my mum said that if I would not cut contact with the missionaries, she'd contact them for me and say that we could no longer meet, and that she would never support me joining the church. I did end up cutting contact for around a month, but then continued again in secret. I am 20 years old so do not need my parents consent to join, but the idea of doing so when it is clearly against my families wishes and in secret makes me incredibly uncomfortable. I've never kept a big secret from my family before, or ever gone against my parents with anything without having my siblings support. It also makes me uncomfortable the idea of making baptismal covenants that I am not certain I will be able to keep when I return home from university. I cannot say that the church or Book of Mormon is true with confidence, but the fact I can say there is truth to it seems enough for the missionaries. One of the missionaries I met at home is a zone leader who apparently asks about me every time he calls and has suggested multiple baptism dates. The current missionaries I meet keep saying about how everything will fall into place once I'm baptised since I'll have the constant companionship of the Holy Ghost, and members keep saying over and over what a 'special spirit' I am, and how our Heavenly Parents would be devastated if I fell away. When I've prayed about baptism and joining I haven't felt positive about it and it really doesn't feel like the right time, but every time I mention that I just end up being asked 'if not now, when??' I feel like the decision to join the church is having its significance down played. I don't want to rush it, or go ahead when I feel like I may regret it and still have so many doubts and uncertainties. It feels like everyone around me is over estimating how strong my feelings are towards it and I just feel so anxious about it all it makes me want to flee. I don't want to be one of those people who spend 30 years meeting with missionaries and mulling things over...but I just feel I need more time. I have been investigating 6 months which I've been told is a long time but also I've only actually attended church around 6 times within that bracket. The missionaries have realised their invites to be baptised are making me anxious and uncomfortable so they agreed they won't offer it again until I ask, but they keep pressing and pressing for me to ask and I just don't know how to get everyone to give me some space to work things out... 

I have a few thoughts:

1) I can only think of a couple times in my life where I know I felt the spirit as missionaries explain it. I’ve only cried 3 times and felt a burning in the bosom maybe twice. What DO I feel? Confidence and peace. I feel that all the time. I’m sure the missionaries have quotes Galatians 5:22-23 to you atleast once “the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith,Meekness, temperance”

2) I honestly believe things will work out when you get baptized, but I also believe things will get harder. Both God and Satan want you.

3) D&C 46:13-14 says “To some it is given by the Holy Ghost to know that Jesus Christ is the Son of God, and that he was crucified for the sins of the world.
To others it is given to believe on their words, that they also might have eternal life if they continue faithful.”

It is a gift of the spirit to believe the words of others.

4) Moroni 10:4 says “I would exhort you that ye would ask God, the Eternal Father, in the name of Christ, if these things are not true; and if ye shall ask with a sincere heart, with real intent, having faith in Christ, he will manifest the truth of it unto you, by the power of the Holy Ghost.“

Real intent means that you are going to do something about your answer. If you are telling yourself that you can’t join the church right now or Don’t want to Act on an answer, you won’t get one. I would challenge God and tell him you will get baptized if you receive an answer to your prayers as to whether the church is true or not.

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Welcome, @JoyGraceMercy!

I'm sorry for the struggles you're going though - conflict with family is really difficult, especially when you live in the same house.  I don't have experience with what you're going through but the one thought I had was that people most often fear what they don't know.  I wonder if your family might be less opposed if they saw what a Church meeting was like.  There are shortened Sacrament meeting recordings here:

https://www.byutv.org/show/89883728-9bf8-4d39-b699-cb49bc2a51c6/worship-service?listid=e47254c7-c05a-4043-a51f-9f3c5689eacd&layout=grid

...perhaps if they watched one they might see that there's nothing weird or scary going on.  Also, given your age, I would hope you guys could have an adult conversation and at least agree to disagree or respect each others' decisions.  But this has to be done without contention or raised voices - as soon as that happens, all hope of peace leaves.  I would recommend listening seriously to their concerns, summarizing them and asking if you're understanding correctly, and then asking if they're willing to listen to your perspective.  Might help.  (But then, I don't know your family, so do what you think is best.)

Other than that, I think @Fether shared some good advice.

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@JoyGraceMercy I suggest that you do all you can to live your life as if you were an already baptised church member, without actually getting baptised just yet. I am sure that as you do this, you will begin to notice significant changes in your life and your relationship with your Father in Heaven will significantly improve and you will receive the strength and guidance that you need. Show your Father in Heaven that you are ready to do His will and He will find a way to make it easier for you to do so. 

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@JoyGraceMercy Glad that you are here! You probably need to start plotting a path that will allow you to live under your own roof. Read the Book of Mormon secretly if necessary. Insisting that your 20 year old child drinks tea or coffee is inappropriately intrusive. It may take a year or two but you need to live on your own. How far are you from financial independence? 

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Sorry about the challenges you're experiencing. I think you should just do your best to live the standards of the Church and attend when you can and relieve yourself of unnecessary guilt. Study the scriptures and take advantage of all the other Church resources as well. Do the missionaries know you're meeting them in secret? Anyway, doing all this in secret not only won't help your family get used to the idea of you being a member but can possibly make things worse if they feel betrayed so I suggest you gradually show them why you're interested in the Church and how it's positively affecting your life. That's it for now but if anything else comes to mind, I'll pop back in but in the meantime, I'm glad you're here!

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  • 2 weeks later...

I think you should get baptized when YOU are ready. Not when your family accepts it and not when the missionaries think you're ready. I don't buy that whole get baptized then everything will fall into place.

 

I think a lot of the dysfunction with converts stems from them not being ready to be baptized. If the policy would change to make sure missionaries emphasize people get baptised when ready it would create stronger converts. The church would tradeoff higher numbers for stronger and committed members. Most of the converts who join when not ready fall away or are spiritually weaker.

The truth is I wasn't pressures or anything like that. I just fibbes on the questions prior to baptism because I was put on the spot and had my girlfriend at the time right by me. I think it would be much wiser to ask the prebaptism questions asked in private by a local leader who has no relationship built with the person be interviewed. The missionaries have a relationship built with the investigator thereby making it more difficult to answer questions truthfully.

With that said, I support wiser and more spiritual people than me. The leaders of the church. I'm sure they have thought and prayed about this many times. It's also true that I'm only answering this based on my experience. It's probably different for other converts.

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Guest MormonGator
2 hours ago, Tyme said:

I think a lot of the dysfunction with converts stems from them not being ready to be baptized. If the policy would change to make sure missionaries emphasize people get baptised when ready it would create stronger converts. The church would tradeoff higher numbers for stronger and committed members.

Brilliant point. Totally agree. 

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10 hours ago, Tyme said:

I think you should get baptized when YOU are ready. Not when your family accepts it and not when the missionaries think you're ready. I don't buy that whole get baptized then everything will fall into place.

@JoyGraceMercy I agree with @Tyme, this is a serious matter, you should only commit to it when you feel 100% ready.  You will know when the time is right.

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  • 1 month later...
On 11/6/2018 at 5:46 AM, Tyme said:

I think you should get baptized when YOU are ready. Not when your family accepts it and not when the missionaries think you're ready. I don't buy that whole get baptized then everything will fall into place.

 

I think a lot of the dysfunction with converts stems from them not being ready to be baptized. If the policy would change to make sure missionaries emphasize people get baptised when ready it would create stronger converts. The church would tradeoff higher numbers for stronger and committed members. Most of the converts who join when not ready fall away or are spiritually weaker.

The truth is I wasn't pressures or anything like that. I just fibbes on the questions prior to baptism because I was put on the spot and had my girlfriend at the time right by me. I think it would be much wiser to ask the prebaptism questions asked in private by a local leader who has no relationship built with the person be interviewed. The missionaries have a relationship built with the investigator thereby making it more difficult to answer questions truthfully.

With that said, I support wiser and more spiritual people than me. The leaders of the church. I'm sure they have thought and prayed about this many times. It's also true that I'm only answering this based on my experience. It's probably different for other converts.

Well said, @Tyme 

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@JoyGraceMercy you should get baptized when you are ready. Not when the missionaries tell you  you’re ready. Not when or if your parents are ever okay with it. Only you can tell when you are ready. Do it for yourself, and to demonstrate your obedience to God. Don’t do it for anyone else. This is your life, and accepting what to believe in is hugely personal. No one has a right to hold you back from embracing what you believe to be true, not even your parents. In the end, if you do get baptized, most parents realize their child’s individualism is more important than whatever imagined outcome they saw for their child. You’re the one living your life, they’re not living it for you, and eventually they will have to be realistic about that.

As for you not knowing if the church is true, I think you’re absolutely right to be hesitant in getting baptized. 

I will say this though. Some people, like me, have a very difficult time receiving answers through prayer. Everyone has the potential to receive answers through prayer, but some of us are stubborn donkeys when it comes to not humbling ourselves enough to allow the Lord to answer us through prayer.

Sadly, I am a stubborn donkey. I don’t want to be. I tried praying so many times in my life to receive answers through prayer, but 9,999 out of 10,000 times it seems to have been in vain or has simply left me with the impression of listening to nothing but a dial tone on the other end of the line when it comes to praying for a specific answer.

I’m not saying you’re a stubborn donkey too, but I do want you to know even though I haven’t knowingly received answers by praying in my life, I know the LDS church really is the one and only true church of God. If I had of waited to embrace the Church until I received an answer through prayer, I would’ve missed out on so many wonderful blessings in my life. I might be a stubborn donkey, but the Lord has been so merciful with me by guiding me by the hand to His church, and helping me feel the Holy Spirit in so many other instances besides prayer. 

So my warning to you is, if you happen to be a stubborn donkey like me when it comes to receiving answers through prayer, find another way to get your answer, because you really don’t want to risk missing out on so many amazing blessings that will unfold for you after you become a member.

Ask yourself what drove you to meeting with the missionaries in the first place. Why have you taken the time to contemplate this decision as much as you have? I imagine you must have felt some kind of connection towards the Church to even be willing to consider the possibility of going through with it despite the potential backlash you may receive from your parents. Ask yourself what is that feeling that is drawing you towards the LDS Church. Focus in on that feeling. If you feel any positivity or peace, hone in and latch onto those feelings and let the Lord guide you the rest of the way. Otherwise, you might miss out on some really special blessings. 

Now if you’re not a stubborn donkey like me and have no issues with getting answers through prayer, ignore everything I just said and wait till you get an answer.  That’s the more straightforward and preferred route.

Edited by clbent04
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