Would you let your son's girlfriend stay over at your house?


JKing
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19 minutes ago, zil said:

And you think his fornication isn't harming his younger siblings?  Holy cow, woman!  This is seriously messed up.

...and later, after reading about the daughter - guess where the son got the idea that having extra-marital sex is A-OK?  From your response to your daughter's pregnancy - and no, I'm not talking about whether you kicked her out of the house.  You may as well stop teaching your children morals now, because your actions are speaking with an amplifier turned up to 11 and your words will be ignored.

Okay, how should I have responded to my daughter's pregnancy? I didn't want my other kids to see me angry or hear me shout, because if they ever make a mistake I want them to come to me. However, my kids knew I was disappointed.   

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4 minutes ago, NeuroTypical said:

I thought your son was an adult.  How come an adult needs to ask their daddy if they can have sex?  For that matter, how can an adult's mommy not "allow" them?

The obvious answer is "your son is not an adult".

I didn't mean he needs his father's permission to fornicate. Obviously, that makes no sense. 

 

I told him he needs his father's permission to have his girlfriend stay over. 

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1 minute ago, JKing said:

Okay, how should I have responded to my daughter's pregnancy? I didn't want my other kids to see me angry or hear me shout, because if they ever make a mistake I want them to come to me. However, my kids knew I was disappointed.   

Did your daughter fornicate in your house (or else were) with your tact approval? (like your son was doing before his dad come home)  If so that is were you screwed up.

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1 minute ago, JKing said:

Okay, how should I have responded to my daughter's pregnancy? I didn't want my other kids to see me angry or hear me shout, because if they ever make a mistake I want them to come to me. However, my kids knew I was disappointed.   

These events speak to a clear pattern of your children choosing fornication over the gospel of Jesus Christ and over the counsel of their parents.  Maybe by the time daughter got pregnant it was too late to handle it in a way that teaches son the seriousness of this sin and that it's not a consequence he wants, not enough info to be sure.  But anger and shouting aren't needed to teach children to love the gospel of Jesus Christ, and if you think they are, there's more wrong right there.  Sigh.  I think it's time for this thread to end.  You've gotten all the answer you're going to get.  All this rehashing won't change things.  You and your husband need to regroup, get on the same page, present a united front to all your children, and work extra hard to help the littlest of them learn truth rather than the lies their siblings are teaching.

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3 minutes ago, estradling75 said:

Did your daughter fornicate in your house (or else were) with your tact approval? (like your son was doing before his dad come home)  If so that is were you screwed up.

No, my husband and I didn't know she was fornicating. 

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3 minutes ago, JKing said:

Okay, how should I have responded to my daughter's pregnancy? 

How did you respond? We know you didn't kick her to the curb--which is good--but we have no idea what you did. How is she taking responsibility for her pregnancy? Does she have a job? Is she paying for her schooling? Getting herself ready to enter the adult world as a single mother? I'm hoping you have not "protected" her from the consequences of her actions. Please tell me she isn't living at home on your dime, not working, making a half-hearted attempt at schooling while playing dolly with your grandchild.

As long as your daughter is working hard toward becoming an independent adult, and as long as your actions only help her in that goal rather than pulling her back into irresponsibility, you're doing fine. If this is the case, I would suggest you approach your son's situation in the same manner.

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12 minutes ago, JKing said:

I haven't allowed my son to fornicate since his father has been home. I made it clear to my son that he needs to get his father's permission. 

But you allowed it when his father was not home, right?

That's what we mean by different moral codes and castration.

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18 minutes ago, JKing said:

Because my son wont. He is stubborn even if I did manage to convince him that he is disrespecting his father by fornicating in our home, he would probably just do it more. 

Is your son an adult?

If so, let him make the choice: 1) have rent paid for here and respect the rules, or 2) make his own rules in his own house.

If he is an adult, you respect that and let him make his choices.  

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2 minutes ago, anatess2 said:

But you allowed it when his father was not home, right?

 

Yes and I know that it was wrong of me to, knowing that my husband wouldn't like it. My husband thinks I allowed it because I am too soft on our son. The truth is I couldn't stop him, I couldn't wait up until 2 or 3 AM and ask his girlfriend to leave. I have 2 very young children and a grandchild I am looking after by myself. I can't chase after my adult children and make sure they are behaving.  

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5 minutes ago, JKing said:

Yes and I know that it was wrong of me to, knowing that my husband wouldn't like it. My husband thinks I allowed it because I am too soft on our son. The truth is I couldn't stop him, I couldn't wait up until 2 or 3 AM and ask his girlfriend to leave. I have 2 very young children and a grandchild I am looking after by myself. I can't chase after my adult children and make sure they are behaving.  

How do you think it happened that a child you raised from when he was 1 second old grew up not respecting anything you say?  They don't just turn 18 and all of a sudden "you couldn't stop him".  And if you can't stop him, how do you think his dad can stop him?  Devouring mothers end up raising adults they can't stop.  But that's water under the bridge now.  The only thing you can do now is support your husband 100% and take away your son's keys.  He can knock on the door if he wants to be let in.

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1 minute ago, JKing said:

No, my husband and I didn't know she was fornicating. 

The most important role of a parent is to teach/train there kids to become responsible adults.  If this does not ultimately happen then the parents will have failed as parents.

This is not to say that your kids will not make mistakes or rebel (they will), this is not to say you will not make mistakes (you will).  But it does mean that you as a parent have to keep the end goal of your kids becoming responsible adults in mind.  And that means your kids actions have consequences and they need to make hard choices some times.  What is your daughter doing now to be a responsible adult and single parent? What is her plan to support herself and her child?  She needs a workable plan. Her parents (You) can be a help and a stepping stone in getting there but you should not be the way.

So does your daughter have a plan that get her independent of you?  If not you are failing and you need to help her get one.  One could ask the same of your son.

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JKing, you seem to think we're all mean and cruel. Again, seeing as how we're unanimous in our responses—and believe me, there isn't much unanimity in our discussions here—and more importantly, how your husband and you don't agree, you might want to rethink your approach to parenting. Notwithstanding the lies that we are told on a daily basis by "experts" in newspapers, the pinnacle of parenting isn't getting your children to like you because you're such a cool, with-it dude or dudette. The key to good parenting, something most of us parents strive to do, is to discipline your child.

What does "discipline" mean? Does it mean spanking? Grounding? Punishing in some other ways? No. Effective disciplining might include some of those things, but it also includes loving, hugging, kissing, taking to Church on Sunday, making sure they know your moral code and see you following it every day, or at least trying hard to follow it, even if you come up short sometimes. It means you MAKE A DISCIPLE of them. To whom are they disciples? Not to you, at least not ultimately. They should be raised to be disciples of Jesus Christ, just as you are (or should be).

God allows us to make choices. He also allows us to experience the bitter consequences of bad choices. He doesn't compromise his commandments or standards just because we decide we don't want to live up to them. We should be willing to act in the same way with our own children.

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1 hour ago, JKing said:

Okay, but it isn't just my home it is his home too.

No, it isn't.  You/He can't have it both ways.  Either he is an adult, and he's supposed to be living on his own (not his home).  Or it is his home too, and he's a child under the care of another.

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Just because he isn't completely independent and paying bills, doesn't detract from the fact he is legally an adult and I respect his decisions even if I don't agree with them. 

Do you not understand the concept that legally and morally are two different things?  Do you not understand the difference between being mature enough to make decisions on one's own vs being legally of the age of majority?

If he's showing he cannot make good decisions on his own, he is not morally an adult.  You shouldn't treat him as such except under those conditions where the law demands it.  The Law does not demand that you allow him to live in YOUR home while he violates that which you hold sacred.

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Our 19 year old daughter had a baby last year should we have evicted her and her child? She made decisions we didn't agree with.

Do you not see a pattern?  They do it because you keep allowing and enabling them.  Yes, unless she was a victim of rape, you should have evicted her.

1 hour ago, JKing said:

Where did I say that I have no problem with it? It hurts me the way my son is living and I pray that he will repent everyday. So how does that differ from my husband's belief?

Because you allow it and he doesn't.  Ergo, you have different moral codes.  Everyone else sees that but you.  I wonder why that is.

1 hour ago, JKing said:

Yes. You think just because I am not LDS it is impossible for my husband and I to have the same moral code? 

I normally wouldn't.  But you are showing by every post you make that in your case, it apparently isn't possible.  Fornication is a sin next to murder in our faith.  To you, it is just another sin that we have to accept in others and just live and love.

No. NO. NO!!!

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18 minutes ago, Vort said:

What does "discipline" mean? Does it mean spanking? Grounding? Punishing in some other ways?

My mother has that "look".  I lived with her for a few months earlier this year and... believe it or not... she still gives me that "look" and it still makes me go, "what did I do?".  My mom is almost an octogenarian!

 

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57 minutes ago, Jane_Doe said:

If so, let him make the choice: 1) have rent paid for here and respect the rules, or 2) make his own rules in his own house.

 

What you are suggesting I do is allow my son to make the wrong choice, which goes against my maternal instinct. 

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2 minutes ago, JKing said:

What you are suggesting I do is allow my son to make the wrong choice, which goes against my maternal instinct. 

??

What part of mothering involves forcing children to only make good choices?  We need to allow our children to make THIER own choices, even if they're different than their not the ones we would make.

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4 minutes ago, JKing said:

What you are suggesting I do is allow my son to make the wrong choice, which goes against my maternal instinct. 

Wait, what?  So... fornicating with his girlfriend in your own house is not the wrong choice and doesn't go against your maternal instinct?  

In any case... that's what PARENTING is.  Raising children into adults who make their own choices - right or wrong.  We raise them good to increase their chances of making the right choices.

 

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52 minutes ago, anatess2 said:

How do you think it happened that a child you raised from when he was 1 second old grew up not respecting anything you say?  They don't just turn 18 and all of a sudden "you couldn't stop him".  And if you can't stop him, how do you think his dad can stop him?  Devouring mothers end up raising adults they can't stop.  But that's water under the bridge now.  The only thing you can do now is support your husband 100% and take away your son's keys.  He can knock on the door if he wants to be let in.

My oldest 2 children had an unstable childhood and in their early teen years my husband and I weren't always available to them. I admit that we made mistakes and now I only want to keep my son safe by keeping him at home, where I can at least know he is okay every day. 

 

My husband will wait up until 2 or 3 AM, I just simply can't do that. 

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4 minutes ago, JKing said:

My oldest 2 children had an unstable childhood and in their early teen years my husband and I weren't always available to them. I admit that we made mistakes and now I only want to keep my son safe by keeping him at home, where I can at least know he is okay every day. 

 

My husband will wait up until 2 or 3 AM, I just simply can't do that. 

Devouring Mother.  You are not keeping your son safe.   You are enabling him in a situation where he has the potential of creating a child that will become the next victim of his wrong choices.  So, neither your son, his girlfriend, nor their future child is safe.  Not in your house.  Especially when you can't wake up at 2 or 3 AM to keep anybody safe.

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52 minutes ago, estradling75 said:

The most important role of a parent is to teach/train there kids to become responsible adults.  If this does not ultimately happen then the parents will have failed as parents.

 This is not to say that your kids will not make mistakes or rebel (they will), this is not to say you will not make mistakes (you will).  But it does mean that you as a parent have to keep the end goal of your kids becoming responsible adults in mind.  And that means your kids actions have consequences and they need to make hard choices some times.  What is your daughter doing now to be a responsible adult and single parent? What is her plan to support herself and her child?  She needs a workable plan. Her parents (You) can be a help and a stepping stone in getting there but you should not be the way.

 So does your daughter have a plan that get her independent of you?  If not you are failing and you need to help her get one.  One could ask the same of your son.

My daughter has gone back to college now out of state. She comes to visit the baby once a semester and comes back for Christmas and summer, but I am the baby's main carer. I hope she has learnt from her mistakes and is fully focusing on her studies. I just hope when she graduates she will be ready to look after her baby full time. 

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5 minutes ago, JKing said:

yes evicting a pregnant 18 year old would have made me a great mother. 

JKing,

What are you looking for here?  We've all told you the same thing.  We've repeated it.  And it seems like you're afraid of or tired of having this discussion with your husband with whom you should be having this discussion.

If there is no way you're going to take any of our advice, what is it that you want here?  Affirmation that your choices, positions, and decisions are correct?  They're not.  The sooner you recognize that, the sooner you'll be able to make good choices for your children.

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4 minutes ago, JKing said:

My daughter has gone back to college now out of state. She comes to visit the baby once a semester and comes back for Christmas and summer, but I am the baby's main carer. I hope she has learnt from her mistakes and is fully focusing on her studies. I just hope when she graduates she will be ready to look after her baby full time. 

You're raising the grandchild?  You really need to get this parenting thing down pat... you have another child on your hands whose future is on the balance.  You don't have a good track record and your responses on this thread is not promising.

Adoption is an option.

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3 minutes ago, JKing said:

My daughter has gone back to college now out of state. She comes to visit the baby once a semester and comes back for Christmas and summer, but I am the baby's main carer. I hope she has learnt from her mistakes and is fully focusing on her studies. I just hope when she graduates she will be ready to look after her baby full time. 

I am glad you have encouraged her to learn from her mistakes, and now be adult: living responsibly and focusing on building her (and baby's) future.

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