Would you let your son's girlfriend stay over at your house?

[NeuroTypical]

11 minutes ago, zil said:

One of two things will happen:
1) He'll grow up and start taking responsibility for his own existence (in which case, he'll quickly learn just how much he owes to his parents, including immense love and respect).
2) He'll come back with his tail between his legs promising to be a good boy.  If so, teach him how to take responsibility for his own existence.

Oh, but the third option is what Mom is worried about.  

3) He'll end up dead in a gutter after injecting gay drugs and worshipping satan and voting democrat.  (You can custom tailor this scenario as appropriate, but you get the idea.)

It's a truly terrifying option.  But I'd guess there's a 98.75% chance he'll pick 1 or 2, and if he picks 3, he most likely won't die.

Edited October 29, 2018 by NeuroTypical

[Guest]

16 hours ago, JKing said:

Hi, I have asked a question on here once before probably about a year ago now. My husband and I have 5 children together, he is a Mormon and I am a baptist, although I very rarely if ever attend church. About 18 months ago my oldest son told us that he didn't want to go to church anymore. For the last 3 weeks my son has been having his girlfriend stay over and even though he didn't ask my permission I let it go because he is an adult. However, I did tell him that when his dad gets back from his business trip he will have to clear it with him. This past week my husband has been home and they have fought constantly about his girlfriend staying over. My son thinks he can do what he wants now he is an adult and my husband thinks that if our son is living in our house he has to follow my husbands rules. I don't like the idea of enforcing our rules on our son now he is an adult even if he does still live with us and I know if my husband keeps being strict towards him, our son will move out. Really, I don't understand my husband's issue with it. Would you have a problem with it and would you enforce rules on your adult children if they still lived with you?

I'll say what others have been saying in a different way to hopefully provide a different perspective.

Instead of "My house, my rules" one must understand two things.

1. I'm not controlling what you do.  I'm controlling what behaviors are allowed in my home and what is not.

2. You are an adult who needs support from me to even have a place to live.  That sounds like an "elder child" not an "adult".  So, if you want to be treated like an adult, then take the responsibilities of an adult.

His lack of understanding either of these principles tells me that he is not an adult by any maturity standard.

Edited October 29, 2018 by Guest

[anatess2]

27 minutes ago, NeuroTypical said:

Oh, but the third option is what Mom is worried about.  

3) He'll end up dead in a gutter after injecting gay drugs and worshipping satan and voting democrat.  (You can custom tailor this scenario as appropriate, but you get the idea.)

It's a truly terrifying option.  But I'd guess there's a 98.75% chance he'll pick 1 or 2, and if he picks 3, he most likely won't die.

Well, as a mother of a 17 year old, I state very plainly... if after 17 years of tutelage my son is still dumb enough to <insert custom tailor terrifying scenario of his choosing> against his better judgment, then it is what it is and there's nothing much I can do about it.

Now, this is what keeps me up at night... he is one year away from his dream of going on a mission.  We just got word yesterday that the elder serving from our ward is in surgery.  His mother couldn't talk to him and all she had was constant personal calls from his mission president about his condition.  If that was my child in some foreign land, I don't know if I can keep myself from flying straight to his mission area and making sure with my own eyes that my kid is fine.

Edited October 29, 2018 by anatess2

[Guest]

25 minutes ago, NeuroTypical said:

3) He'll end up dead in a gutter after injecting gay drugs and worshipping satan and voting democrat.

Now, hold on.  That's going too far.  The other three I could live with.  But that last one?  ANYthing but that.

Edited October 29, 2018 by Guest

[omegaseamaster75]

4 hours ago, JKing said:

I have been stuck in the middle of my husband and my son for the past 8 years. I know this time if my husband pushes our son to far then our son will move out, when he isn't ready to live on his own.  

Is your son an adult of not? Sounds like he wants to throw the adult card around and you are enabling him, but only to a point. 

Once people mention adult activities outside of sex with his girlfriend you stop cold and say he isn't ready.

So which is it? is he an adult of not? certainly biologically and legally he is. Sounds like mommy does not want him to move out so you will continue to coddle and make excuses for him.

Let's be honest he is having extra marital sex with a girl who most likely will not be his future wife, you are getting in the middle of your husbands deeply held religious beliefs, or did he just spring those on you and your surprised? Protect your marriage, enforce the household rules on your adult man child and protect your marriage.

 

[JKing]

2 hours ago, Vort said:

"Sonny, we do not allow fornication in our home. You are welcome here as long as you abide the basic rules of our household, including the one about no fornication. If you insist on fornicating with Jane, you will need to move into your own place. That is not acceptable here."

That rule would only come from mine and my husband's religious beliefs which is why I don't feel comfortable enforcing it. 

 

2 hours ago, Vort said:

Can your son smoke pot in your house? Can he shoot up heroin? Run a prostitution ring out of your bedroom? Cook meth? Can your son bring home young children to molest and butcher? Where does the "family home" concept end? At what point do you put your foot down and say, "No, this is pollution, and you can't bring that pollution into my home, even if you are my son"?

Of course my son can't break the law in our house or endanger anyone. If he had to smoke pot I would request he do it in the garden so at least the fumes wouldn't harm his younger siblings. 

[JKing]

2 hours ago, anatess2 said:

But the problem here is not your son.  The problem here is you and your husband's differing moral codes.  You need to straighten that out even if, at this point, it has almost become too late for your children to benefit from it, and may have already caused damage.  Hopefully, this doesn't blossom into something irreparable.

 

My husband and I have the same moral code... 

[JKing]

2 hours ago, Just_A_Guy said:

You have, over your husband’s objections, created a set of conditions over the last eight years that unfortunately have resulted in your son’s becoming something of a man-child—and an oversexed man-child, to boot.  And now, confronted with the reality of what you’ve created, you’re doubling down on the old dysfunctional attitudes and emotionally kicking your husband to the curb yet again.  

It takes a heck of a guy to stay with a woman who does that; and I hope you appreciate his meekness.  I don’t think I’d be so patient.  Men don’t appreciate being castrated in their own homes.

You could not be more wrong. I have never as you put it "castrated" my husband and it isn't his home it is our family home. 

[JKing]

1 hour ago, Jane_Doe said:

What does a landlord do if a tenet does follow the rules?   Evict them.  

If a mother is cold hearted enough to evict her son, she doesn't deserve children. 

[anatess2]

7 minutes ago, JKing said:

My husband and I have the same moral code... 

Obviously not.  Otherwise, you won't have this conflict with your husband for 8 years.

[anatess2]

4 minutes ago, JKing said:

If a mother is cold hearted enough to evict her son, she doesn't deserve children. 

So, you admit he's not an adult.

Do a search on YouTube on Devouring Mother.  Enjoy.

Edited October 29, 2018 by anatess2

[Jane_Doe]

6 minutes ago, JKing said:

If a mother is cold hearted enough to evict her son, she doesn't deserve children. 

Are you likewise going to allow your son to live in your house (and hence endorsing of his activities) if he were to be making drugs in there?    How about running racist campaign?   Is he allowed to do just anything in your house he wants?

@JKing , I'm a mom myself.  I get how heart wrenching hard it is to put your foot down-- we love our children, and we don't want them to get hurt.  But lack of discipline is just spoiling and is going to cause only more damage in the longterm.  If you want to encourage your son to be an adult, then you need to have him move out to make his own dissections and deal with the consequences.  And yes, he's going to make bad decisions and get hurt and that's going to break your heart.  But that is what it is to be a parent.  

Edited October 29, 2018 by Jane_Doe

[estradling75]

12 minutes ago, JKing said:

If a mother is cold hearted enough to evict her son, she doesn't deserve children. 

Don't evict your son... evict the girlfriend she is not family its not her home she has no right to be under your roof... and no right whatsoever to be in your son's room...  And if your son does not like that then he can learn to be an adult and get his own place were he can control who can spend the night....    Or to put in back at you... a mother that is cold heated enough to encourage/enable her son to spiritually self district and never become an adult does not deserve children

Edited October 29, 2018 by estradling75

[JKing]

36 minutes ago, Carborendum said:

1. I'm not controlling what you do.  I'm controlling what behaviors are allowed in my home and what is not.

 

Okay, but it isn't just my home it is his home too. Just because he isn't completely independent and paying bills, doesn't detract from the fact he is legally an adult and I respect his decisions even if I don't agree with them. 

 

Our 19 year old daughter had a baby last year should we have evicted her and her child? She made decisions we didn't agree with. 

 

[JKing]

5 minutes ago, anatess2 said:

Obviously not.  Otherwise, you won't have this conflict with your husband for 8 years.

We haven't had conflict over moral issues we agree on those. We have had conflict on how we teach these to our children and about discipline. You are wrong if you think we don't have the same expectations of our children. 

[Jane_Doe]

3 minutes ago, JKing said:

Okay, but it isn't just my home it is his home too. Just because he isn't completely independent and paying bills, doesn't detract from the fact he is legally an adult and I respect his decisions even if I don't agree with them. 

He's not an adult until he can pay his own bills.  And frankly, if he can't afford to pay for himself he can't afford to pay for a kid too.   

3 minutes ago, JKing said:

Our 19 year old daughter had a baby last year should we have evicted her and her child? She made decisions we didn't agree with. 

Is she abiding by the landlord's rules the way any tenet should?

Edited October 29, 2018 by Jane_Doe

[omegaseamaster75]

15 minutes ago, JKing said:

My husband and I have the same moral code... 

really?

[anatess2]

1 minute ago, JKing said:

Okay, but it isn't just my home it is his home too. Just because he isn't completely independent and paying bills, doesn't detract from the fact he is legally an adult and I respect his decisions even if I don't agree with them. 

 

Our 19 year old daughter had a baby last year should we have evicted her and her child? She made decisions we didn't agree with. 

 

Oh great.  You got experience.  You'll be taking care of more grandchildren soon.  Why did you even bother asking questions here if you already have your answers?  Truthseekers get answers whether they like it or not.

[Vort]

15 minutes ago, JKing said:

That rule would only come from mine and my husband's religious beliefs which is why I don't feel comfortable enforcing it.

I don't understand. Is there something wrong with enforcing religious principles? "We're only doing this because God said so, and I don't feel comfortable with that." What am I missing here?

17 minutes ago, JKing said:

Of course my son can't break the law in our house or endanger anyone.

So as long as it's legally permissible, you're okay with him doing it? Heroin usage has been legal in most places throughout most of history. Cutting off your own arm is perfectly legal, as far as I know. Castrating yourself is legal. You're okay with these things?

"Legal" is mostly irrelevant. You should not allow harmful activities in your home, no matter how legal they may be. Fornication is a harmful activity.

Look, you can do whatever you want. But why come here to ask? Were you just looking for people to tell you what a great job you're doing as a mother by enabling your son's fornication? You aren't getting that here, and frankly aren't likely to.

[anatess2]

2 minutes ago, JKing said:

We haven't had conflict over moral issues we agree on those. We have had conflict on how we teach these to our children and about discipline. You are wrong if you think we don't have the same expectations of our children. 

It is your own words.  You said you have no problems with your kid fornicating.  Your husband does.

[Vort]

16 minutes ago, JKing said:

I have never as you put it "castrated" my husband

Sister, you do so every time you tell your son to ignore his father and do things your way instead. You and your husband should be united. Your husband assumed you and he shared a moral code, which you claim is true. It is not true. You have no moral compunction against fornication, except maybe the way you don't like it when people track mud into the house. "Yuk. That's not good. But I'm not kicking my child out of the house for it."

18 minutes ago, JKing said:

it isn't his home it is our family home.

You are wrong. It most certainly is his home, both legally and morally. But thanks for the timely example of husband castration.

[JKing]

2 minutes ago, anatess2 said:

It is your own words.  You said you have no problems with your kid fornicating.  Your husband does.

Where did I say that I have no problem with it? It hurts me the way my son is living and I pray that he will repent everyday. So how does that differ from my husband's belief?

[Vort]

8 minutes ago, JKing said:

We haven't had conflict over moral issues we agree on those. We have had conflict on how we teach these to our children and about discipline.

NEWS FLASH

Rearing children is a moral issue, one of the most important that a parent will ever deal with.

[JKing]

9 minutes ago, omegaseamaster75 said:

really?

Yes. You think just because I am not LDS it is impossible for my husband and I to have the same moral code? 

[anatess2]

1 minute ago, JKing said:

Where did I say that I have no problem with it? It hurts me the way my son is living and I pray that he will repent everyday. So how does that differ from my husband's belief?

You are so blind.  He does it because you allow it.  Just like your 19 year old did it.