Guest Posted October 31, 2018 Report Share Posted October 31, 2018 **Forewarning, this may be long** Good Evening Everyone, I married my wife 2 years ago and have a one year old child with her. I feel so confused and disconnected regarding my marriage and would appreciate some advice. A little background about me. I am a convert to the church and joined the church at age 19 and am 24 now. I was not always living righteously before and after my baptism and that really impacted my feelings of worth and value in the church. I did not serve a mission and that still kind of makes me feel ashamed. Furthermore, I slept around a lot and could never get a handle on the law of chastity until I met my wife. My wife was raised in the church and was raised by a single mom and has done generally well for herself. We got engaged after a month of dating and got sealed in the temple 11 months later as I had to repent for having sex prior to dating my wife. My wife is so passionate about serving individuals with special needs and in fact that is how we met, working with people with special needs. I admire her a lot and I feel that played a role in me deciding to ask to marry her. She didn't judge my past and loved me through my ups and downs and is very supportive of my educational goals and career goals. So like every great LDS member, I prayed about marriage to her and I got a solid answer that she was a great choice. She has turned out to be a loyal and dedicated wife and mother, HOWEVER, I am most definitely not in love with her. I don't feel I truly ever was and I don't think I can be. I love her as a best friend and am so happy she is the mother of my child but I cannot imagine spending all of eternity with someone I feel really is just a great friend and I don't have passion or emotional intimacy with. If she decided to leave me, I can't say I would be heartbroken. Before we got married I ended our relationship about 3 different times because I just felt it was a wrong decision and wanted to go our own way. I felt she deserved someone more secure in their feelings for her. She fought me on it every time and so I chalked it up to nerves and still felt she was a good choice so i got married. I still didn't think I was in love but that we could better each other and my love would intensify over time. So we get married and instantly I regretted it. I mean within a month, we were fighting and she was on the verge of being violent which i grew up with, so that was a big red flag for me. She had a lot of issues around men being too forceful around sex, not rape but just too pushy about physical things and anger that she didn't necessarily display prior to marriage. Also, we are not sexually compatible at all. I feel because of my sexual experiences prior to marriage it really warped how I feel about sex and I can't help but compare her to my previous partners because after 2 years, our sex life has really not improved. I have tried to be patient but I don't see that really changing. Also, she wanted a baby right away and as soon as I felt we should stop trying, because I wanted out, she was pregnant after 3 months of marriage. Usually, a pregnancy is the happiest day of your life (IMO) and for me I saw it as a life sentence. I love my child more than anything but I so wish I hadn't had my child with her so I could cleanly walk away. I truly feel I could be so happy with someone else and feel immense "in love" feelings that I can't find myself having for her, truly. I just feel so sad and disgusted with myself for harboring these feelings. Getting sealed to her was a bad choice because I can't live up to those covenants if I don't love her 100%. I have also struggled with pornography and attraction to other women, which led me to having an emotional affair and a kiss with another woman I worked with. I feel horrible that I cheated but I know its because I didn't/don't feel connected or in love with my wife. I don't want to break up my family but I also want to feel I will enjoy my life with my eternal partner. I feel like I am betraying her as I type this but I really feel this way. I asked for a divorce earlier this year after I admitted to the affair and about my feelings that I could never really be in love with her and she said she would not go thru with a divorce and begged me to stay and work things out. Feeling guilty, I decided to stay and I really want things to work but I see couples at church and see other relationships that I know are happy for the most part and I am sitting her hating myself for going thru with this. I fantasize about just getting in my car and driving off in the distance but that is cruel and would destroy my child and wife. I just want to know if this is common to feel even after only 2 years of marriage and if I am stuck like this or should I just walk. I don't want to abandon my child and feel if i moved out my wife would run to her family out of state and I would be stuck away from my child. I just don't want to be bound to her forever and am at a loss. In case anyone cares to know, I have completed my repentance for the emotional affair and am all squared away spiritually for the most part but feel I am not fulfilling my calling as a husband since I am not 1000% invested. Please some counsel would be nice. I have prayed to feel something more for my wife and I feel I was given confirmation that she again was a good choice but not that I will ever really be satisfied married to her for eternity. Anyone else been here? 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