Feeling Confused and Disconnected


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**Forewarning, this may be long**

Good Evening Everyone,

I married my wife 2 years ago and have a one year old child with her. I feel so confused and disconnected regarding my marriage and would appreciate some advice. A little background about me. I am a convert to the church and joined the church at age 19 and am 24 now. I was not always living righteously before and after my baptism and that really impacted my feelings of worth and value in the church. I did not serve a mission and that still kind of makes me feel ashamed. Furthermore, I slept around a lot and could never get a handle on the law of chastity until I met my wife. My wife was raised in the church and was raised by a single mom and has done generally well for herself. We got engaged after a month of dating and got sealed in the temple 11 months later as I had to repent for having sex prior to dating my wife. My wife is so passionate about serving individuals with special needs and in fact that is how we met, working with people with special needs. I admire her a lot and I feel that played a role in me deciding to ask to marry her. She didn't judge my past and loved me through my ups and downs and is very supportive of my educational goals and career goals. So like every great LDS member, I prayed about marriage to her and I got a solid answer that she was a great choice. She has turned out to be a loyal and dedicated wife and mother, HOWEVER, I am most definitely not in love with her. I don't feel I truly ever was and I don't think I can be. I love her as a best friend and am so happy she is the mother of my child but I cannot imagine spending all of eternity with someone I feel really is just a great friend and I don't have passion or emotional intimacy with. If she decided to leave me, I can't say I would be heartbroken. Before we got married I ended our relationship about 3 different times because I just felt it was a wrong decision and wanted to go our own way. I felt she deserved someone more secure in their feelings for her. She fought me on it every time and so I chalked it up to nerves and still felt she was a good choice so i got married. I still didn't think I was in love but that we could better each other and my love would intensify over time. So we get married and instantly I regretted it. I mean within a month, we were fighting and she was on the verge of being violent which i grew up with, so that was a big red flag for me. She had a lot of issues around men being too forceful around sex, not rape but just too pushy about physical things and anger that she didn't necessarily display prior to marriage. Also, we are not sexually compatible at all. I feel because of my sexual experiences prior to marriage it really warped how I feel about sex and I can't help but compare her to my previous partners because after 2 years, our sex life has really not improved. I have tried to be patient but I don't see that really changing. Also, she wanted a baby right away and as soon as I felt we should stop trying, because I wanted out, she was pregnant after 3 months of marriage. Usually, a pregnancy is the happiest day of your life (IMO) and for me I saw it as a life sentence. I love my child more than anything but I so wish I hadn't had my child with her so I could cleanly walk away. I truly feel I could be so happy with someone else and feel immense "in love" feelings that I can't find myself having for her, truly. I just feel so sad and disgusted with myself for harboring these feelings. Getting sealed to her was a bad choice because I can't live up to those covenants if I don't love her 100%. I have also struggled with pornography and attraction to other women, which led me to having an emotional affair and a kiss with another woman I worked with. I feel horrible that I cheated but I know its because I didn't/don't feel connected or in love with my wife. I don't want to break up my family but I also want to feel I will enjoy my life with my eternal partner. I feel like I am betraying her as I type this but I really feel this way. I asked for a divorce earlier this year after I admitted to the affair and  about my feelings that I could never really be in love with her and she said she would not go thru with a divorce and begged me to stay and work things out. Feeling guilty, I decided to stay and I really want things to work but I see couples at church and see other relationships that I know are happy for the most part and I am sitting her hating myself for going thru with this. I fantasize about just getting in my car and driving off in the distance but that is cruel and would destroy my child and wife. I just want to know if this is common to feel even after only 2 years of marriage and if I am stuck like this or should I just walk. I don't want to abandon my child and feel if i moved out my wife would run to her family out of state and I would be stuck away from my child. I just don't want to be bound to her forever and am at a loss. In case anyone cares to know, I have completed my repentance for the emotional affair and am all squared away spiritually for the most part but feel I am not fulfilling my calling as a husband since I am not 1000% invested. Please some counsel would be nice. I have prayed to feel something more for my wife and I feel I was given confirmation that she again was a good choice but not that I will ever really be satisfied married to her for eternity. Anyone else been here?

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Welcome, @Aspiring Nurse!

11 hours ago, Aspiring Nurse said:

HOWEVER, I am most definitely not in love with her. I don't feel I truly ever was and I don't think I can be. I love her as a best friend and am so happy she is the mother of my child but I cannot imagine spending all of eternity with someone I feel really is just a great friend and I don't have passion or emotional intimacy with.

Love is not a feeling or emotion, it's behavior.  You're thinking of that wild, uncontrollable "falling" feeling, which is just hormones trying to convince you to reproduce.  Act as one who loves her and you will find thoughts and feelings and happiness follow.  All the adults I know who have been married for a long time agree - the emotions come and go - it's the behavior that defines love.

11 hours ago, Aspiring Nurse said:

I don't want to break up my family but I also want to feel I will enjoy my life with my eternal partner.

I know you don't believe this right now, but you can choose to be happy and to enjoy life with the eternal partner you already have.  Right now, you're making all the wrong choices - spending all your time thinking about ways out, comparing yourself to other people's public best while knowing nothing of their private worst, self-destructing in sin, etc.  You need to decide every day, every hour or moment, if need be, to choose to be positive, to choose to follow the Lord, to choose to love and lead your family, etc. etc.  Replace all those choices that are making you miserable in your marriage with choices that will make you happy.

Meanwhile, get yourself to the bishop to talk about the cheating, repentance, and marriage counseling.  You and your wife need to learn trust and open communication - about everything so that you can work on becoming one.

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14 hours ago, Aspiring Nurse said:

**Forewarning, this may be long**

So like every great LDS member, I prayed about marriage to her and I got a solid answer that she was a great choice. 

So you prayed got your answer. Was God wrong?

14 hours ago, Aspiring Nurse said:

 I can't help but compare her to my previous partners 

This does not help things AT ALL knock it off.

14 hours ago, Aspiring Nurse said:

I have also struggled with pornography 

Divorce or not you need to get this straightened out...again knock it off

14 hours ago, Aspiring Nurse said:

attraction to other women

Welcome to the club, we all like to look at a pretty girl. I guess it all depends on how you define attraction. I suspect the way you are viewing it it is inappropriate.

14 hours ago, Aspiring Nurse said:

Please some counsel would be nice.

There are deeper issues at play, deeper than what us inter-web commandos can help you with. You need to see a real counsler and then attend counseling with your wife. If you want to salvage your relationship with your wife and have your child in your life you need to make an investment.  That means breaking open the wallet and getting real help.

 

 

Edited by omegaseamaster75
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Welcome Aspiring Nurse.   I hope you find a way to get your head in the game.  Here are two truths:

- Divorce doesn't mean you're not closely tied to your wife and kids any more.  If anything, all divorce does is make everything harder and more expensive, but you remain tied to each other.  Especially with minor children involved.

- Should you leave your wife in search of a better match, you will only end up with your next soon-to-be ex-wife.  Statistics pretty much dictate such an outcome. 

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So what I mean by she was a good choice is that she would be a good wife and mother. Not that I was marrying her out of love. She made me a better person and spiritually stronger  but that doesn't necessarily translate to being in love with her. I could get these same things from someone else. I just feel bad because I feel I allowed her great spiritual influence to translate to something it wasn't. I think she is an amazing friend and I have a good friendship with her. It doesn't mean I see eternity with her. That's why I feel stuck. I also agree comparing doesn't help but it's hard when you're so used to one thing and you discuss these very openly prior to marriage and she says she's willing to develop our physical relationship and she hasn't much since we got married. She has body issues I can't control obviously, and no matter how attracted I am to her it doesn't help her confidence. We have done therapy before and it didn't improve anything. She only wants to talk about hard stuff with a counselor otherwise she feels attacked at home.

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I use I statements like we were taught in therapy and I try to talk about them outside of when we are arguing about something but she also twists it to I think she isnt doing enough or that she is always this or never doing this right. She can't accept criticism. She feels she has to defend everything she does that I call her out on.

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Start here:

Define Love.

These are your quotes: 

"I am most definitely not in love with her." 
" I still didn't think I was in love but that we could better each other and my love would intensify over time." 
" I love my child more than anything ".

What does love mean to you?  Because... as I read your lengthy post, it is apparent that your usage of that word is different from what love truly is.  It sounds more like the way Hollywood or the Music Industry use the word, which is basically hedonistic self gratification.

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I appreciate your challenge on how I define love. I feel its relative to the relationship. With my child obviously it's a father child love where I want my child to grow into a person and be a guiding light to them. In regards to romantic love with my wife i would say being in love is where I can feel a connection unparalleled with anyone else. Where I wake up and feel bond and joy with who I'm laying next to. For a long time we had a roommate type of relationship and so that didn't help. Part of love to me with a spouse is being authentic and open with your feelings. I constantly get burned when I try to open up about feelings about our relationship as it turns into her self deprecating and how I am not acknowledging where she has improved.  I have tried to soften talking about concerns by prefacing it with how i dont want to hurt her feelings but I have such and such concern. If I can't say things constructively then I can't have anything other than superficial conversations. That's not love and doesn't foster a meaningful relationship. I hope that provides clarification.  I dont think love should be like the movies or music but it should be something I feel is attainable with my eternal companion. 

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24 minutes ago, Aspiring Nurse said:

I have tried to soften talking about concerns by prefacing it with how i dont want to hurt her feelings but I have such and such concern. 

And then you criticize her.  (I mean, it's your word, not mine.)

So, it is totally normal for newlyweds to crash into what you're explaining.  But your path is not to fix her, it's to fix you.  You will never be happy with a spouse, her or a different one, until you can accept that.

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Ok bad verbiage. Maybe I'm unsure of the right word. I don't mean to come off critical but I'm running into her not liking that im trying to address a concern about this or that. For example, I dont like how she purchases things on a whim and doesn't consult me when I'm the only one working full time and we dont have money to spend frivolously. She turns it into I'm trying to control our money because I'm the one making the brunt of it. I dont think its critical but definitely rational to expect her not to overspend when we don't have it. So it's hard to connect if it's a fight over anything i try to bring up that isnt all sunshine and rainbows.

Edited by Guest
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I did therapy for the past year and found out a lot about myself and how I can improve myself. I know love ebbs and flows in marriage and love shouldn't be this whirlwind feeling forever. However, I don't know if I had the love in the first place is my issue. I dont want to change her for the most part. I wanted and hoped we would relate better after 2 years of marriage and dating for a year. It just hasn't really happened and having a child so quickly did not help give us a chance to really learn about each other marriage wise without the responsibility of family life. I just feel we don't have the ability to be good eternal companions for each other. I feel I will always love her inadequately and that she isnt adequate enough for me. So it's a loss all the way around. 

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24 minutes ago, Aspiring Nurse said:

For example, I dont like how she purchases things on a whim and doesn't consult me when I'm the only one working full time and we dont have money to spend frivolously. She turns it into I'm trying to control our money because I'm the one making the brunt of it.

Are you? If so, own it. "Yes, of course I'm trying to control our money outgo. I'm bringing in most of our income, so that's part of my responsibility. Look, honey, why don't we sit down and come up with a budget? As long as spending stays within the budget, I'm not going to mind."

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I appreciate everyone's response and interest in my situation and being available to listen to my crazy life. I want my wife and I to both be happy at the end of the day and feel we each have a partner we can rely on and love unconditionally. I am struggling feeling that will be a reality for us.

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I've tried this SOOO many times. I make a salary now and she knows exactly how much comes in but it doesn't make a difference. She and I never have been on the same page money wise and it drives me wild. I have told her to manage the Bill's so she can see how every penny works out and she refuses to stay on top of things. I hand it over and I am still stuck reminding her to pay this or that. That's not fair to me and she just keeps doing it. But that's just one of many issues.

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That special feeling of closeness you talk about is a rush that many young couples feel while dating. It can become a permanent, long-term thing, but not just based on the dating rush. It must be cultivated over time. Sex is a big part of that, for men at least. This is where chastity becomes a big deal: When that intimacy is shared only with one other person, so that sex means your wife, she becomes the focus of your spiritual connection. You cannot relive your past, but you can change your present thoughts and your future actions by making her your one and only in thought as well as in deed. That will go a long way toward making the relationship you want.

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Guest MormonGator
1 minute ago, Vort said:

That special feeling of closeness you talk about is a rush that many young couples feel while dating. It can become a permanent, long-term thing, but not just based on the dating rush. It must be cultivated over time. Sex is a big part of that, for men at least. This is where chastity becomes a big deal: When that intimacy is shared only with one other person, so that sex means your wife, she becomes the focus of your spiritual connection. You cannot relive your past, but you can change your present thoughts and your future actions by making her your one and only in thought as well as in deed. That will go a long way toward making the relationship you want.

Exactly.  

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27 minutes ago, Aspiring Nurse said:

I've tried this SOOO many times. I make a salary now and she knows exactly how much comes in but it doesn't make a difference. She and I never have been on the same page money wise and it drives me wild. I have told her to manage the Bill's so she can see how every penny works out and she refuses to stay on top of things. I hand it over and I am still stuck reminding her to pay this or that. That's not fair to me and she just keeps doing it. But that's just one of many issues.

I think that drawing up an actual budget, with funds allotted for various categories, can make a big difference. In one case I'm familiar with, the husband and wife went to a cash-only system, where e.g. the household budget was withdrawn in cash every month and put in an envelope in the kitchen. She was free to spend the money as she saw fit, but when the money was gone, no more spending. If that meant no toilet paper, then no toilet paper. If that meant oatmeal three times a day for a week, oatmeal it was.

EDIT: For a plan like this, going week to week instead of month to month might be wise, at least to start out with.

Edited by Vort
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1 hour ago, Aspiring Nurse said:

I appreciate your challenge on how I define love. I feel its relative to the relationship. With my child obviously it's a father child love where I want my child to grow into a person and be a guiding light to them. In regards to romantic love with my wife i would say being in love is where I can feel a connection unparalleled with anyone else. Where I wake up and feel bond and joy with who I'm laying next to. For a long time we had a roommate type of relationship and so that didn't help. Part of love to me with a spouse is being authentic and open with your feelings. I constantly get burned when I try to open up about feelings about our relationship as it turns into her self deprecating and how I am not acknowledging where she has improved.  I have tried to soften talking about concerns by prefacing it with how i dont want to hurt her feelings but I have such and such concern. If I can't say things constructively then I can't have anything other than superficial conversations. That's not love and doesn't foster a meaningful relationship. I hope that provides clarification.  I dont think love should be like the movies or music but it should be something I feel is attainable with my eternal companion. 

I was right.  You have developed this idea of love which is common in Hollywood, Music Industry, and the romance genre in novels.  This is where you need to start introspection.  This is not love.  This is too narcissistic to be love.

I'm thinking about it and I think doing a search on the online scriptures for the word Love might get you started in the right direction.

 

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37 minutes ago, Aspiring Nurse said:

I did therapy for the past year and found out a lot about myself and how I can improve myself. I know love ebbs and flows in marriage and love shouldn't be this whirlwind feeling forever. However, I don't know if I had the love in the first place is my issue. I dont want to change her for the most part. I wanted and hoped we would relate better after 2 years of marriage and dating for a year. It just hasn't really happened and having a child so quickly did not help give us a chance to really learn about each other marriage wise without the responsibility of family life. I just feel we don't have the ability to be good eternal companions for each other. I feel I will always love her inadequately and that she isnt adequate enough for me. So it's a loss all the way around. 

See here... still Hollywood love.

Love does not "ebb and flow in marriage".  That's stupid.  Love is a decision you make everyday.

Edited by anatess2
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I guess I mean the intensity. I mean we get caught up in the day to day of life. It wouldnt be realistic to think every day will be amazing and without issues. So I do believe the way it is expressed ebbs and flows maybe? Like you can go on dates and things every week but you do something "special " for your anniversary.  I think love language also has a lot to do with it as well. My wife desires and appreciates quality time and words of affirmation. I appreciate physical touch and acts of service. Also, idk about other relationships but I was always under the illusion I guess that's the best thing to call it now based on your response, that you love should be as I described. How to decide now if this is what spending eternity with my wife looks like...feeling discontent and lost I dont know. Maybe I'm just way off base and need to really understand if I really love my wife and how that actually looks.

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Marriage can be hard, even when you are married to one you are “in love with”. That infatuation stage of love will only last for about two months to about two years. After that it should shift into the attachment stage. Some people crave that “rush” of the infatuation stage and will go from partner to partner looking for that rush and then move on when it’s over. If this is you, you need to do some deep thinking and introspection. Some therapy may be needed. That type of love won’t last in a marriage, and isn’t feasible. If you never had that feeling for your wife, all is not lost. You can develop the feeling of deep attachment, which is what most long last lasting marriages have. 

If you leave your current wife, what do you think will happen? If you remarry, you and your new wife will always have to deal with your ex. It is not easy to constantly have to coordinate schedules between two households. There is very little privacy and the new wife may dislike that.  If your current wife gets custody you will have child support payments to make which may put a financial strain on your new marriage. This is often a source of contention of remarriages. Then there is the step-parent issue. I can’t remember if you have a son or daughter. If you have a daughter the step-mother/step-daughter relationship can be very difficult. There is almost always loyalty issues. Many remarriages fail because of the step-parent/step-child issues. The new wife often feels like a second-class citizen because her husband doesn’t know how to set appropriate boundaries between himself and his ex, and doesn’t enforce respect between his children and the new wife.

I married a divorced man with children. I have done a lot of reading on the subject. We have been married over 37 years. If I had to do it over again, I would not have married a divorced man. It has been brutal! We love each other. But, love does not take away the issues in a remarriage. And, remarriages have more issues and baggage than a first marriage. It’s a fact of life. If you can make your first marriage work, do all that you can to salvage it. Divorce is not worth it! [Disclaimer: other than for abuse, adultery, or addiction]

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