Can women have a healthy relationship guy bestfriend and their boyfriend at the same time? Based on what happened yesterday, I would conclude NO


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2 hours ago, Latter-Day Marriage said:

and my suspicious side would wonder what the change of clothes was for. 

So I actually pointed this out to her. I told her that I have read on many past experiences that whenever partners change into clothes that look nicer (she did exactly this) they are usually doing this to please or impress another person not in the committed relationship. So I said to her that whether she consciously or subconsciously realized it, its likely that her decision to change her clothes was to look good for her guy friend that was about to take her to their class in his car. She responded that she felt really uncomfortable in the clothes she was wearing and "changed when she got home". But when she got home, we hung out at her place waiting for her friend to confirm that he could take her to practice and she wasnt wearing the same clothes after I came back to her place to hang out with her. So I mentioned that she changed her clothes right after her guy friend said he was coming over and right after I left which she admitted to and realized that she probably did do it to look good for her friend. 

Again I am not accusing her of cheating on me. But the deception was made clear especially when she texted me "I made it home" when she had been home for the whole hour and thirty minutes with this guy which I was never made aware of until after he left her place where he ate food. 

Edited by LatterDSaint
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2 hours ago, Vort said:

ome people seem to find jealousy to be sort of exciting and a confirmation of one's affection. It is neither of those. It is childish and possessive. Jane_Doe is certainly right about that part, however you may feel about her take on opposite-sex friendships.

This is a really interesting point. All of a sudden I am not sure that we are going to be able to make it work. She mentioned before that she would feel jealous if she ever saw me hugging another girl and I can admit that I did feel jealous that when her plans changed, she chose to spend that time with another guy instead of me. Thing is, is this feeling even something I can overcome? I cant think that I would be fine with the lack of advisement in any relationship. It did feel as though she considered spending time with her friend once she got the opportunity to more important than making sure I would be ok with it in the first place. I think the "I made it home" really sours it for me. You dont "make it home" after spending an hour and thirty minutes with a guy at your place. I really am driving myself insane with this arent I?

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LatterDSaint, you say you trust your girlfriend but clearly you don't. You were upset with her because you thought she was purposely deceiving you (maybe she did or maybe she did not). The point of the matter is that you don't trust her. Maybe you should analyze if you had trusting issues before with other females? If you didn't, then if I was you I would not marry someone who I don't trust. It is recipe for disaster, unhappiness and....DIVORCE.

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2 minutes ago, Suzie said:

"My girlfriend told me last week that she would be jealous if she ever saw me hugging another girl. What are your thoughts on this? "

She sounds like she is 9.

wow. I really do consider her a mature human being. She has been there for me and we have had many important deep conversations about different topics and her reasoning has always been sound from my perspective.

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25 minutes ago, LatterDSaint said:

So I actually pointed this out to her. I told her that I have read on many past experiences that whenever partners change into clothes that look nicer (she did exactly this) they are usually doing this to please or impress another person not in the committed relationship. So I said to her that whether she consciously or subconsciously realized it, its likely that her decision to change her clothes was to look good for her guy friend that was about to take her to their class in his car. She responded that she felt really uncomfortable in the clothes she was wearing and "changed when she got home". But when she got home, we hung out at her place waiting for her friend to confirm that he could take her to practice and she wasnt wearing the same clothes after I came back to her place to hang out with her. So I mentioned that she changed her clothes right after her guy friend said he was coming over and right after I left which she admitted to and realized that she probably did do it to look good for her friend. 

Again I am not accusing her of cheating on me. But the deception was made clear especially when she texted me "I made it home" when she had been home for the whole hour and thirty minutes with this guy which I was never made aware of until after he left her place where he ate food. 

To be honest, I can't really figure out what you're saying here.  Blame my poor vision after staying up all night last nigh.

It sounds like you're saying she lied to you.  THAT IS A HUGELY BAD SIGN!!!  Drop her like a bad transmission.

After you've dropped her, you need to take some time to learn how to be comfortable with yourself, by yourself.  Once you are more confident alone, you will become more confident with others.  And your confidence will make you a magnet for other women who are honest.

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5 minutes ago, Carborendum said:

It sounds like you're saying she lied to you.  THAT IS A HUGELY BAD SIGN!!!  Drop her like a bad transmission.

wow, i think its possible that she did not want to admit that she did dress the way she did for her friend's sake. I mean, who would want to admit that? But if it occurred subconsciously then can I really hold her responsible for that? I guess I ought to if I consider myself a man...

Edited by LatterDSaint
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10 minutes ago, LatterDSaint said:

she is the first girl I have ever been in a relationship with so it wouldnt be this but I understand your advice here that if I cant trust her, then in no way can I marry her. 

The first one? How old are you? Play the field a little, there are plenty of fish in the sea.

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50 minutes ago, LatterDSaint said:

So I actually pointed this out to her. I told her that I have read on many past experiences that whenever partners change into clothes that look nicer (she did exactly this) they are usually doing this to please or impress another person not in the committed relationship. So I said to her that whether she consciously or subconsciously realized it, its likely that her decision to change her clothes was to look good for her guy friend that was about to take her to their class in his car.

"Informing" someone why they did something is NEVER a good move.  

50 minutes ago, LatterDSaint said:

So I mentioned that she changed her clothes right after her guy friend said he was coming over and right after I left which she admitted to and realized that she probably did do it to look good for her friend. 

I would take this 'agreement' with a huge grain of salt.  

29 minutes ago, LatterDSaint said:

wow. I really do consider her a mature human being. She has been there for me and we have had many important deep conversations about different topics and her reasoning has always been sound from my perspective.

Being blunt here: neither of you are acting like adults right now.  There's MAJOR trust issues going on, jealousy, and controlling the other person.   

Are these overcome-able?  Yes.  But it's going to take a lot of work.  Breaking up isn't going to change these behaviors in either of you.

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1 minute ago, LatterDSaint said:

well what do you mean. Are you saying that she was lying about dressing in a way to please her friend? Not quite sure I follow you here...

The minute you "inform" someone why they are doing something, you're 

1) playing mind games with them.  This is very unhealthy.

2) If you are wrong (which you probably are), you give them no polite way to tell you so.  It's much easier just to say "yeah, you're right".

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1 hour ago, Suzie said:

LatterDSaint, you say you trust your girlfriend but clearly you don't. You were upset with her because you thought she was purposely deceiving you (maybe she did or maybe she did not). The point of the matter is that you don't trust her. Maybe you should analyze if you had trusting issues before with other females? If you didn't, then if I was you I would not marry someone who I don't trust. It is recipe for disaster, unhappiness and....DIVORCE.

When somebody acts like they are violating your trust it isn't wrong to suspect they might be violating your trust.  That is just situational awareness. Better that than being swept away in a flood or hormones and missing a bunch of red flags until it is too late.

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1 minute ago, Jane_Doe said:

playing mind games with them

Im not playing any mind games lol. Are you saying that me describing the reality of what happened is playing mind games? Look I trust her but Im not an idiot. Whether she realized it or not she did dress in a certain way that day after I left and right when she knew her friend was about to pick her up...

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A long time ago before my mission I had a girl friend I liked a lot.  Probably say I loved her.  While we were going to be away, I told her that she was free to date other guys.  I hoped she would wait, but 3 or 4 months into the mission the dear john came....  She fell in love with her good friend.

Yup, I was a bit heart broken.  OK, a lot heart broken.  But, I knew there were many other girls out there.  Your girl friend is not the only one for you.  Life goes on just fine without her.  The quicker you understand this, the easier your life will be.

My girlfriend was married within 6 months of the dear john.  But by that time I had moved on.  No point in holding onto sadness.

Fast forward to after the mission.  I dated several wonderful women and had a great time.  Finally found one that I wanted to marry and who wanted to marry me.  I don't regret for a second that my ex-girlfriend got married to another.  in the end, she turned out to be too crazy for me.  I love my wife and couldn't imagine being married to someone else.

let her go and if after the mission she is still available, then great.  If she isn't, then enjoy the hunt for another.

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33 minutes ago, LatterDSaint said:

Im not playing any mind games lol. Are you saying that me describing the reality of what happened is playing mind games? Look I trust her but Im not an idiot. Whether she realized it or not she did dress in a certain way that day after I left and right when she knew her friend was about to pick her up...

Informing someone "this is why you do what you do" is by definition a mind game.  

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