My husband won't let me stay home with our baby because I make more money than him


Alia
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13 hours ago, MrShorty said:

I have no idea how best to resolve this issue. If you want to use the traditional gender role thing to break the stalemate, I guess that works (though I note that even in the Proclamation on the Family, allowance is made for "individual adaptation" as circumstances dictate). When all is said and done, this is going to come down to what you and your husband can work out, and I don't expect that it will be an easy thing to work out.

I don't wasn't my husband to provide for us because he is a man I want him to do it because he loves us. The same way I have been providing for our family out of love to him and our son, not because I earn more or I love my job but because I love them. I'm not going to tell him because he is a man he needs to provide for us that isn't right, I want him out of love for me to let me stay home with our son. 

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8 hours ago, prisonchaplain said:

OP is here and husband is not. So, my thoughts are narrowly focused on her. Wow, @Alia! You gained education to be a lawyer--and on scholarship, at that. Impressive. Could it be that Heavenly Father has gifted you in this area--that this is at least a portion of your "talents?" You were unfilled in your work. Could it be that you focused heavily on wanted to care for your child, such that the work became of secondary importance? Further, you may have felt guilt at not raising the child, and felt you needed to be the one physically caring for the baby? Thus, the work became a hindrance. It could be that lawyering is part of God's call on your life, otherwise why would God have granted you to spend so much time and energy, and to win such accolades?

 As a total side note, I wonder if you hubby has considered re-enlisting. He may have lost some benefits by now, but it may be that the structure it offered helps him to thrive.

I have always wanted to be a mother. I want to be there physically for my son especially now I am missing out on so much, I can never get this time back with him. I don't care about my job I used to get some pleasure from the money I earned and a kick out of having authority within the firm but now I have no time to spend any of the money. Helping companies resolve disputes and basically reach an out of court settlement in not fulfilling. If I was in a different field of law like child protection or family law I could probably get more satisfaction.

 

He decided the army wasn't for him which is ironic given he plays so many battle army video games

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59 minutes ago, Alia said:

I am a litigator. I really want to take a break and not work at all for a while so I can fully concentrate on my son and husband too. 

Litigator.  As in civil lawsuits.  Since I'm not a lawyer, I don't know all the details.

But litigation isn't just a single lawyer doing all the work, is it?  I always envisioned a team of lawyers doing a lot of research and preparing arguments and verifying legal claims, etc.  Couldn't you do the support role from home part-time?

Then, you won't be out of practice by the time your son is older and you're ready to go back to work.  Would that work?

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12 minutes ago, Alia said:

I have always wanted to be a mother. I want to be there physically for my son especially now I am missing out on so much, I can never get this time back with him. I don't care about my job I used to get some pleasure from the money I earned and a kick out of having authority within the firm but now I have no time to spend any of the money. Helping companies resolve disputes and basically reach an out of court settlement in not fulfilling. If I was in a different field of law like child protection or family law I could probably get more satisfaction.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KUwjNBjqR-c

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Have you considered switching to work part time to where your income would be more similar to what his would be if he were to work?  Then you can have time with your son, you can have time to take care of the things your husband isn't doing, and you can put your husband in a position where he would at minimum have to work part-time as well in order to have money for extra indulgences.  From what you have written, it sounds like your husband has not made these decisions in counsel with you; if that is the case, putting yourselves in a position like that above would more easily put you on equal ground in terms of discussing things.  For all I know, you may both agree that having you work part time and your husband stay at home as well is a more appealing lifestyle for you both.

Another idea, pay your house off as quickly as possible (we paid ours off in less than 4 years from date of purchase), then your husband an work and the lack of mortgage payment would result in additional expendable income.

Or. . . do both!

Ultimately, from what you have written, it leads to the impression that your husband lacks ambition, if that is the case, that will become a bigger problem if/when more children come along.

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2 hours ago, Alia said:

. So excuse me for wanting my husband to stop playing childish games and go to work .  

It wasn't an insult to you or him. I know of many, many married people with babies who still make time to enjoy their own interests and hobbies, so it is possible. Hope things work out for you both. 

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2 hours ago, Alia said:

If I was in a different field of law like child protection or family law I could probably get more satisfaction.

Having worked with CPS for around 4 years as a foster and adoptive parent and having been to court many times in behalf of children, honestly, I would argue that this is a grass is greener ideal.  As a lawyer in that field, you would quickly find that your words and work ultimately have very little effect on the eventual outcome of each situation.

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21 minutes ago, person0 said:

Have you considered switching to work part time to where your income would be more similar to what his would be if he were to work?  Then you can have time with your son, you can have time to take care of the things your husband isn't doing, and you can put your husband in a position where he would at minimum have to work part-time as well in order to have money for extra indulgences. 

@Alia,

In the mouth of two or three witnesses...  :itwasntme:

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5 hours ago, Carborendum said:

@Alia,

In the mouth of two or three witnesses...  :itwasntme:

 

I know self-employed immigration lawyers can have the opportunity to do their business from home.  My friend is one.  All she does is get the proper paperwork filled out properly, submit the papers, advice her clients of their rights while waiting for the response from the Feds.  The only time she has to go to court is if her client gets arrested by the Feds for deportation or perjury, etc.  She's been doing it almost 10 years, never had to go to court once.  Now, my friend got her law degree from an online school after she gave birth to her firstborn, so she even spent 3 (I think it was?) years at home studying to be a lawyer in between nursing a baby and diaper changes before she started helping Filipino clients get residency/citizenship/work visas/student visas etc.etc.  From what I understand, her online school degree only allows her to do Fed law work.  She makes pretty good money working only whenever she wants to - when she doesn't want to work, she just doesn't accept clients.  It's not much different from what I do.  I work at home - part time or full time depending on how much time I want to spend on it - by accepting/passing on contracts.

P.S.  My friend was a nurse before she had the baby.  She quit her nursing career when she got pregnant and decided to study law.

 

Edited by anatess2
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Just so it doesn't get lost in the recommendations for part-time or stay-at-home work:

The fundamental problem is the wife and husband are on different pages. The two need to come together full of faith, prayer, repentance, forgiveness, respect, love, compassion, work, and wholesome recreational activities and come up with a solution together. Doesn't matter if it's for husband to work or wife to work or everyone quits their jobs and lives in a tent on the side of a road. A united husband and wife are unstoppable.

And for the corollary, I've never seen any depiction of the Fall where Adam and Eve are tempted together. Satan prefers to draw his victims away from their support team. Or, as Abe Lincoln said, "a horse divided against itself cannot stand."

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10 hours ago, Alia said:

I have always wanted to be a mother. I want to be there physically for my son especially now I am missing out on so much, I can never get this time back with him. I don't care about my job I used to get some pleasure from the money I earned and a kick out of having authority within the firm but now I have no time to spend any of the money. Helping companies resolve disputes and basically reach an out of court settlement in not fulfilling. If I was in a different field of law like child protection or family law I could probably get more satisfaction.

 

He decided the army wasn't for him which is ironic given he plays so many battle army video games

Such a heavy load of disappointments. Your legal career--one you've spent much time building--seems empty. Your spouse--a squared-away soldier turned frustratingly unemployed and directionless--and a baby calling out for mommy's love. From what you have shared, we agree that you should be frustrated. It is sad that your hard work towards a fulfilling and lucrative career seems to have hit a dead end--that your husband seems unwilling to lead, or even to contribute much--and you cannot, even for a season, just be a mom. Perhaps others have suggested counseling, but maybe my saying it a slightly different way will help:  You deserve a professional, trained, listening ear. You deserve to work these complicated matters through with one who has many tools to bring to the conversation. Others may suggest marriage and joint counseling, but I see that you may want to start with yourself. You cannot control your spouse, but you can regain your bearings, and gain an objective perspective. Consider treating yourself to wise, professional counsel. You deserve it!

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58 minutes ago, prisonchaplain said:

Such a heavy load of disappointments. Your legal career--one you've spent much time building--seems empty. Your spouse--a squared-away soldier turned frustratingly unemployed and directionless--and a baby calling out for mommy's love. From what you have shared, we agree that you should be frustrated. It is sad that your hard work towards a fulfilling and lucrative career seems to have hit a dead end--that your husband seems unwilling to lead, or even to contribute much--and you cannot, even for a season, just be a mom. Perhaps others have suggested counseling, but maybe my saying it a slightly different way will help:  You deserve a professional, trained, listening ear. You deserve to work these complicated matters through with one who has many tools to bring to the conversation. Others may suggest marriage and joint counseling, but I see that you may want to start with yourself. You cannot control your spouse, but you can regain your bearings, and gain an objective perspective. Consider treating yourself to wise, professional counsel. You deserve it!

Best if you get a professional that share your values.  The bishop might be able to help recommend one.

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6 hours ago, mordorbund said:

Or, as Abe Lincoln said, "a horse divided against itself cannot stand."

Apologies in advance. I usually find grammar/spelling police irritating rather than helpful, but this one just struck me as too funny to ignore. Divided horses falling over just struck my funny bone. Again, apologies for drawing anyone's attention to it.

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1 minute ago, MrShorty said:

Apologies in advance. I usually find grammar/spelling police irritating rather than helpful, but this one just struck me as too funny to ignore. Divided horses falling over just struck my funny bone. Again, apologies for drawing anyone's attention to it.

It's @mordorbund.  I'm pretty sure the "spelling error / type-o" wasn't.

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@Alia - I'm sorry for your frustration, it's understandable.

You can't change him, you can only change you and in order for things to be different, you need to stop enabling the situation. Some suggestions to get you started:

- Decide how much play money you think would be reasonable if you were home with your son and your husband was the sole provider. Now, go to the bank and set up the accounts so that amount is all your husband can access. Start living as if you only had your husband's income and put all the rest towards 1 yr of food and supplies (for each of you) and 8 months of savings (6 weeks is a start but not what professionals recommend). I know you think employers will be there quickly but what if the situation was your husband getting injured and you needing to take care of him? Anyway, the other benefit to this is that after your husband gets a job, he's already used to the new lifestyle and since there's adequate savings, he won't come to you in a panic thinking you need to start working again.

- You need to ask grandma to stop enabling the situation as well. Her willingness to watch your son when hubby drops him off is not helping. You may also want to ask father-in-law to have a man-to-man chat with your husband.

- It seems your husband has regressed to acting like a 12 year old (not wanting to work, do chores; plays too many video games) so pack up the games and take them to his parents house. If your husband does go over there to play, his mom will get a better glimpse of the situation which will hopefully lead to change. Aside from that, I wouldn't want my child anywhere near 'shoot em up' video games not to mention the fact that those drive away the Spirit so such games and the like would be treated the same as cigarettes and not allowed in my house.

- Whenever your husband asks you what you want for Christmas/birthdays/anniversaries, just say that all you want is to be able to be home with your child.

- Whenever you see your husband make an effort (wash dishes, clean up, etc), shower praise and thanks like crazy even if it's not to your standard.

- If things don't change after a while, ask the bishop to do a 5th Sunday meeting about manning up (I doubt you're the only wife in your ward dealing with some of these issues).

Edited by Manners Matter
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On 11/20/2018 at 2:19 AM, Sunday21 said:

@Alia Welcome! Wow. Tricky situation! I guess my first stop would be my bishop and the temple. many people need work to remain stable. I wonder if your husband is in this category? Some people just don’t have the self discipline and emotional stability to look after children. Is your husband in this category? 

I would see if you can manage to stick it out at work while finding out if your husband has some mental instability issues. I wonder if the bishop has any thoughts? 

My bishop is very supportive to me. My husband is mentally stable although I may not be if I have to put up with him much longer. 

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On 11/20/2018 at 9:48 AM, marge said:

 He'll be so tired after a week he'll re-inlist, maybe that's what he really wants anyway, some people just love the military, and by the sounds of it the structure will do him good.

I don't think he wants to and I don't want him to either, my father was in the military and I don't want that for my son. 

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12 hours ago, prisonchaplain said:

Such a heavy load of disappointments. Your legal career--one you've spent much time building--seems empty. Your spouse--a squared-away soldier turned frustratingly unemployed and directionless--and a baby calling out for mommy's love. From what you have shared, we agree that you should be frustrated. It is sad that your hard work towards a fulfilling and lucrative career seems to have hit a dead end--that your husband seems unwilling to lead, or even to contribute much--and you cannot, even for a season, just be a mom. Perhaps others have suggested counseling, but maybe my saying it a slightly different way will help:  You deserve a professional, trained, listening ear. You deserve to work these complicated matters through with one who has many tools to bring to the conversation. Others may suggest marriage and joint counseling, but I see that you may want to start with yourself. You cannot control your spouse, but you can regain your bearings, and gain an objective perspective. Consider treating yourself to wise, professional counsel. You deserve it!

I don't like to think of my husband as a disappointment but he has let me down. 

I haven't got time to see a counsellor I would love to but the truth is I know what would make me feel better. My husband would never come with me to a counselling session.

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Whilst I appreciate the suggestions to work from home or work part time, it isn't something I am interested in. I want to take a complete break from work and focus on my son and husband. I know that makes me sound lazy or entitled but it was my dream to be a full time mom. My own mom was never around (she was a great mom) but I always wanted to be completely there for my children. 

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1 hour ago, Alia said:

Whilst I appreciate the suggestions to work from home or work part time, it isn't something I am interested in. I want to take a complete break from work and focus on my son and husband. I know that makes me sound lazy or entitled but it was my dream to be a full time mom. My own mom was never around (she was a great mom) but I always wanted to be completely there for my children. 

No.  That makes you sound like a MOTHER.  My first advice still stands.  You just need to figure out how important this is to you.  To me, being a Mother is my ultimate mission/responsibility/achievement. 

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3 hours ago, Manners Matter said:

- You need to ask grandma to stop enabling the situation as well. Her willingness to watch your son when hubby drops him off is not helping. You may also want to ask father-in-law to have a man-to-man chat with your husband.

I disagree with this.  That kid needs a mother.  Grandma is one.

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@Alia,

I'm puzzled.  We normally think of those who serve in the military as duty bound, hard working, dedicated to a cause.  And you've even stated that your husband is NOT a manchild.  Yet, what you describe of his actions is exactly the opposite.  So, what's going on?

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