My husband won't let me stay home with our baby because I make more money than him


Alia
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@Alia, you may already know this, but since you’ve implied that you don’t do family law, I’ll just reiterate it:

Depending on your state:  your high income, your husband’s abysmal employment record, and his being able to pass himself off as your child’s stay-at-home parent, may leave you very exposed, legally speaking, in the event of a divorce; and that exposure gets worse the longer this situation continues.  If you aren’t well-versed in family law in your jurisdiction, it would be a good idea to sit down with someone who is.  In my jurisdiction, the law unfortunately (inadvertently, to be sure) punishes breadwinning divorcees who spent a few years trying to make their marriages work before calling it quits.  By all means work on your marriage; but as a Plan B you need to be thinking about ways to limit your exposure so that you don’t wind up paying this guy alimony into your forties.  Because frankly, he sounds like the kind of guy who will ask for it.

Edited by Just_A_Guy
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4 hours ago, Alia said:

I don't like to think of my husband as a disappointment but he has let me down. 

I haven't got time to see a counsellor I would love to but the truth is I know what would make me feel better. My husband would never come with me to a counselling session.

First, kudos on the bolded part. You know where you want to be. Also, you communicate strength. That God-given characteristic has sustained you thus far. Consider that your end goal is full-time at home with child. Then weigh that against your not having time to see a counselor. I suspect that you will save an incredible amount of time and heartache if you'll invest even a few sessions of time. You may not need many, given your strength and clear end goal. Still, that professional listening ear might bring out just the few pieces of wisdom that will guide you to where you believe God wants you.

As a personal example, a few years back my wife and I decided we needed to do our Last Will and Testament (along with related papers). We knew about the DIY options, as well as the many paralegals that would do the hard stuff for a few hundred dollars. Instead, we took advantage of my EAP discount, and spent just short of $2,000 have an attorney's office guide us through the work. In our main meeting with the attorney, he asked us about our feelings on "pulling the plug." We both hesitated (hemmed and hawed, as the grandfolks would say). He said, "Well, we could put in your papers that an outside doctor, with no relationships with the hospital, must give a concurring second opinion, first. That way you would show due diligence, and leave time for your prayers of divine healing, since you believe in that." I told the attorney, "This counsel alone was worth the extra expense."

Just as attorneys make high-dollar for those kinds of advice, so you may find that just a few sessions with a professional listener will bring out that missing nugget of wisdom that will bring you to your dream of full-time motherhood.

As a side note: I repent for all the lawyer jokes I've ever told, and offer laude and honors to both @JAG and @Alia. :clap:

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9 hours ago, Alia said:

I don't think he wants to and I don't want him to either, my father was in the military and I don't want that for my son. 

That was kinda a joke at the end of my post, what I meant by it is if he actually takes his responsibilities seriously and did all the things he should be doing and is actually held accountable for those things. He would very quickly find a job.

I do hope you read the rest of my post, it might help you

Have a serious talk to him, tell him you would feel more comfortable with the situation if he actually did all the stuff he was supposed to be doing.  Ask him if he knows how to do the laundry and if he needs you to show him.  Ask him if he needs some basic cooking books and a new vacuum cleaner to help him get organised.  Get him a planner and plan out his week with him.  What sort of activities is he doing with the child everyday?  Make a list and go through it with him.  INSIST that if he really wants to be a stay at home dad THIS is what it means.  Just because he's a man doesn't mean he doesn't have to do all these things, he's signing up for it, he needs to either do it properly or go back to work so you can do it.

Edited by marge
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12 hours ago, Manners Matter said:

- Decide how much play money you think would be reasonable if you were home with your son and your husband was the sole provider. Now, go to the bank and set up the accounts so that amount is all your husband can access

I have before given my husband his own budget but we ended up fighting over it, he said it wasn't enough. I never want to argue over money with my husband or anyone I love. 

 

12 hours ago, Manners Matter said:

 - You need to ask grandma to stop enabling the situation as well. Her willingness to watch your son when hubby drops him off is not helping. You may also want to ask father-in-law to have a man-to-man chat with your husband.

 

My father in law has spoken to my husband before and offered him a job working for him but it didn't go down well. 

 

12 hours ago, Manners Matter said:

 - It seems your husband has regressed to acting like a 12 year old (not wanting to work, do chores; plays too many video games) so pack up the games and take them to his parents house. If your husband does go over there to play, his mom will get a better glimpse of the situation which will hopefully lead to change. Aside from that, I wouldn't want my child anywhere near 'shoot em up' video games not to mention the fact that those drive away the Spirit so such games and the like would be treated the same as cigarettes and not allowed in my house.

 

I honestly think if I took his games away from him, he would leave me. I don't like him playing violent games around our son, when I am putting my son to bed I don't want to be hearing shooting noises. 

 

12 hours ago, Manners Matter said:

- Whenever you see your husband make an effort (wash dishes, clean up, etc), shower praise and thanks like crazy even if it's not to your standard.

 

I think my reaction would be to faint if my husband washed a dish or cleaned up. 

 

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9 hours ago, Carborendum said:

I'm puzzled.  We normally think of those who serve in the military as duty bound, hard working, dedicated to a cause

He used to be all of those things. Now he isn't :( 

9 hours ago, Carborendum said:

Yet, what you describe of his actions is exactly the opposite.  So, what's going on?

I don't know. Part of me thinks he never wanted a child or he didn't realise the sacrifice having a child would require. Part of me thinks he is checked out from our family and part of me wants to believe he is addicted to video games. 

I also think he may have some resentment towards me for making him leave the army. It was his choice but I think he blames me for him making that choice. 

Edited by Alia
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8 hours ago, Just_A_Guy said:

@Alia, you may already know this, but since you’ve implied that you don’t do family law, I’ll just reiterate it:

Depending on your state:  your high income, your husband’s abysmal employment record, and his being able to pass himself off as your child’s stay-at-home parent, may leave you very exposed, legally speaking, in the event of a divorce; and that exposure gets worse the longer this situation continues.  If you aren’t well-versed in family law in your jurisdiction, it would be a good idea to sit down with someone who is.  In my jurisdiction, the law unfortunately (inadvertently, to be sure) punishes breadwinning divorcees who spent a few years trying to make their marriages work before calling it quits.  By all means work on your marriage; but as a Plan B you need to be thinking about ways to limit your exposure so that you don’t wind up paying this guy alimony into your forties.  Because frankly, he sounds like the kind of guy who will ask for it.

I don't want to divorce my husband. But if I did all I would care about is my son and spending all my time with him. Honestly, if I was separated from my husband I wouldn't need to work so much. I could live within a budget working minimal hours in something other than law. 

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On 11/19/2018 at 1:12 PM, Alia said:

Hi, my name is Alia and I am 28 I have been married to my husband for 5 years. When we met he was in the army and I was training to be a lawyer. He left the army 3 years ago and has never found a job he likes, he was working in construction until a year ago. At that time I was earning more than double what my husband was earning but it was never an issue we put our money together and sorted our finances spending an equal amount of money on the things we wanted to. 14 months ago our son was born, work gave me 2 weeks maternity leave which was great and my husband kept working then I extended my maternity leave to 2 months so the pay stopped. After about one month of living on my husband's pay only he told me that he didn't think we could cope living on his wage and I should go back to work and he will care for our son. I drew up a budget and it meant that we wouldn't have much spending money but we could comfortably pay for our mortgage and bills. We agreed to try this and it was fine but my husband got fed up of not being able to buy video games and getting new equipment etc. So he was really pushing me to go back to work but I explained to him how much it meant to me to be able to stay with our son and then he quit his job. So I agreed I would go to work until he finds something new to do and then I will go back to caring for our son. This was 10 months ago and he still hasn't found a new job even though he has been offered work in construction by his father and by my brother.  I have been unhappy being away from our son, I feel like I am missing so much of his development I missed his first words and I missed his first steps. I don't care about my work and my manager has pulled me aside many times asking me if I am okay and telling me to take some time off. My family have noticed that I am sad and unfulfilled but my husband doesn't care. The last time my brother offered him work my husband said there is no point him working when I earn more money. Even though, my husband knows how much I want to stay home with our son he isn't willing to live within a budget and make some sacrifices so that I can be with our son, it makes me feel like he doesn't value me as our son's mother.

The other problem is that my husband doesn't even care for our son, he takes our son to his mom's house at least 3 days a week. He spends all day at home playing games or going to see his friends, sometimes he travels to card game conventions. Also, he doesn't clean the house at all so on Saturday when I want to spend all my time with my son I can't because I have to clean all morning and do the laundry and go grocery shopping. I have asked him to do some cleaning, laundry, grocery shopping and he tells me he isn't a woman. So I told him he needs to do some home improvement like paint the hallway and refit our son's nursery and he did do it. So he isn't lazy but he is being inconsiderate to me. 

 

I need some advice as what to do? I want to be with my son and being away from him is causing me to feel torn and I resent my husband for making me leave him. What can I do to get my husband back to work and to agree to a budget? Do you think what he is doing by not providing for us is wrong? Or do I expect too much from him? 

There is a LOT to resent here.

I'm a working mom, and my husband is the stay-at-home parent.  Part of his job is daytime child care, all the house cleaning, and the maintenance.  He does love video games, which isn't a problem because he handles things responsibly: games come in down time and as part of a responsible budget.  He always makes sure to put me and our kid before the games--- that's part of being an adult and being in a family.  And I'll play some with him for date nights too.  

What you are describing here is NOT an adult.  He needs to grow up and put the most important things first.  If he truly values his games more than his wife or son... frankly that's a MAJOR problem.  If you truly feel that he would leave you if you quit funding his hobbies while he doesn't take part in your marriage.... that's REALLY bad.  

Edited by Jane_Doe
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1 hour ago, marge said:

Have a serious talk to him, tell him you would feel more comfortable with the situation if he actually did all the stuff he was supposed to be doing.  Ask him if he knows how to do the laundry and if he needs you to show him.  Ask him if he needs some basic cooking books and a new vacuum cleaner to help him get organised.  Get him a planner and plan out his week with him.  What sort of activities is he doing with the child everyday?  Make a list and go through it with him.  INSIST that if he really wants to be a stay at home dad THIS is what it means.  Just because he's a man doesn't mean he doesn't have to do all these things, he's signing up for it, he needs to either do it properly or go back to work so you can do it.

He does nothing with our son, the days he doesn't take him to his mom's house he doesn't even get him dressed. Some days he claims he forgets to feed our son I come home from work at 8PM and the lunch I made for him is still in the fridge. He knows how to do laundry he just doesn't do it. He doesn't even pick up my dry cleaning when I ask him to. The only things he will do are home improvement even not on our home, if his friends ask him he will go and help them. I have no faith in him being capable of being a good stay at home dad.

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<Taking a more diplomatic route here>

I know video gamers.  They can be a lot of fun.  I game myself.  But what you're describing here isn't a healthy gamer-- it's a person who's running away from the real world to a fantasy one where he can be a hero/champion.  These type of people don't have connection/confidence in real world relationships / responsibilities.  Whether or not they are biologically addicted to the game (like with nicotine)(I'm not getting into that argument), they use games the way any addict uses their fix: it's a way to escape real world pressures, so much so that it rules their life and destroys the real one.  

It's not a healthy person to be around.  It's not a healthy person to be.  And like all biological-addicts, most of the time they got to hit rock bottom before they realize how bad it is, and then go even deeper before they're willing to seek help.  And yes, your husband does need help.  He needs to learn how to connect to the real world and find fulfillment in that.

Part of me wants to scream "lock him out of funds for games and take away the existing ones"... though that's much like taking away an alcoholic's drink. Whether or not he's biologically addicted, he is mentally hooked and using it in that exact manner.

Edited by Jane_Doe
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28 minutes ago, Alia said:

 Honestly, if I was separated from my husband I wouldn't need to work so much. I could live within a budget working minimal hours in something other than law. 

If he keeps using video games the way he is, this may be what you need to do.  

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10 hours ago, Alia said:

Whilst I appreciate the suggestions to work from home or work part time, it isn't something I am interested in. I want to take a complete break from work and focus on my son and husband. I know that makes me sound lazy or entitled but it was my dream to be a full time mom. My own mom was never around (she was a great mom) but I always wanted to be completely there for my children. 

My empathies are with you.  However, I would suggest something a little different. I mean this in kindness but in truth. You need to take some responsibility for being in this situation, which I do not see you doing.

You are 28, been married for 5 years and are a lawyer.  Becoming a lawyer is a professional degree, meaning that's not just getting a bachelor's degree.  No getting a law degree requires at least 2 years.  Which means that at the best case scenario you met your husband in law school.  

As far as taking a break from work?  What did you possible think it was going to be like when you decided to get a law degree?  Yes, busting your butt every day, getting up earlier coming home late . . . welcome to the working world!  Welcome to the man's world.  You got a degree that requires a significant amount of time-investment.

I'm sorry that you put yourself in this situation, I truly am.  I realize that in the modern world, women have been sold a bill of goods over the past 20 years; they want all the freedom, but the responsibility . . .that's another topic for discussion. 

Unfortunately, your story for women is not uncommon, in fact it is very, very typical.  Women do much better than men at school, so they get degrees are told everything is great and wonderful, finally get married, then they want to have a kid (clock is ticking, starting kids at 28 means maybe you get 2-3??? before pregnancies become high-risk), then realize  . . .oh crap . . .I'd really love to spend time with my children (motherly instincts!), and now they are stuck with massive regret, anguish, turmoil b/c they can't quit their job to spend time with their kids.

And you sold your husband a bill of goods too.  Again, getting a professional degree is not something you do "lightly" .  .unless you are a flake.  When you get a professional degree, generally you stick with that profession (or a derivative of it) for the rest of your life. Please put yourself in your husband's shoes . . .he think he's hit the lottery-someone to work and take care of him. 

Did you ever discuss with him 5 years ago that you didn't want to practice law in a few years? Did you ever tell him, once kids start I want to quit? Your exhaustion has been felt by every single male husband/father from the dawn of time.  That is what we do-work, work, work, work to provide for our families.  Unfortunately, because you didn't make your expectations clear at the start of the marriage, you decided to reverse the roles God ordained for the family . . . and that doesn't work out well-at all!

I don't have really much advice for you, except that you need to stop molly-coddling yourself and your husband.  The Truth shall set you free!  You need to be honest with yourself and take responsibility that you changed the rules of your marriage in the middle of the game.  People do that . . .but you need to admit that to your husband. 

Finally if you want your husband to wear the pants in the family (which is figuratively meant to mean actually provide for), then the only way it is going to happen is for you to stop picking up his slack.  If you REALLY want him to provide-STOP WORKING!!!  Tell him, look honey, I've realized I have taken over the "head-of-household" roll that should really be your role.  Part of the "head-of-household" duties is to provide.  You need to provide.  Within 3-6 months (whatever), I'm quitting my job and if you don't have a job we will go on welfare.

If you aren't willing to do that, then you will never force him to take his God ordained role as provider.  You want him to be provider, but you aren't willing to take the risk of what that might actually mean. 

Necessity is the mother of invention.

That's my suggestion, give a period of time and quit your job, let the chips fall where they may and tell him, he is the head of household and provider.  If you aren't willing to do that-then you will never be willing to let him actually lead the family b/c you will always be wanting to do it for him.

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3 hours ago, Alia said:

He does nothing with our son, the days he doesn't take him to his mom's house he doesn't even get him dressed. Some days he claims he forgets to feed our son I come home from work at 8PM and the lunch I made for him is still in the fridge. He knows how to do laundry he just doesn't do it. He doesn't even pick up my dry cleaning when I ask him to. The only things he will do are home improvement even not on our home, if his friends ask him he will go and help them. I have no faith in him being capable of being a good stay at home dad.

Thats why I think an ultimatum is appropriate.  He either steps up to the plate and actually takes responsibility and actually does the job he insisted on having (stay at home dad) or he gets a job so you can do it. Make it clear to him that those are his choices.  Stand your ground, I'd also be insisting on marriage counselling, you can't live like this for the rest of your life, something needs to change

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19 minutes ago, marge said:

Thats why I think an ultimatum is appropriate.  He either steps up to the plate and actually takes responsibility and actually does the job he insisted on having (stay at home dad) or he gets a job so you can do it. Make it clear to him that those are his choices.  Stand your ground, I'd also be insisting on marriage counselling, you can't live like this for the rest of your life, something needs to change

+1 

My sister separated from her husband after more than a decade and 6 children.  Right up until the time the papers were served, there was nothing that changed.  When they were served, there was a lot of gnashing of teeth and attempts to manipulate her back into the relationship.  And when it became clear that that was not going to work, change ensued.  

i have a lot of compassion for the husband - he had a pretty horrible childhood and his family is still an unending source of drama for him.  But i am not sure anyone is better for sustaining the unsustainable.  Create something sustainable for you and your son.  Then, it's his decision on how to react.  Obviously, there's a lot of messiness and confusion in the actual implementation - and it's never easy to know what the line is - but i'd at least be moving in that direction, and then just/walk things backs slightly if needed.  

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4 hours ago, Alia said:

I don't want to divorce my husband. But if I did all I would care about is my son and spending all my time with him. Honestly, if I was separated from my husband I wouldn't need to work so much. I could live within a budget working minimal hours in something other than law. 

I fear you may have misapprehended me.  I’m not saying you *should* divorce him.  But I am saying that if the two of you do divorce (and you just acknowledged that you do think *he* may leave *you* if you don’t give him what he wants)—as you well know, what we want isn’t necessarily what the court will order; and you aren’t going to be doing much parenting at all if the court grants him sole custody and orders you to pay child support in addition to $2 or $3K per month in alimony for the next five years. 

I did a little small-claims mitigation after passing the bar.  In my experience family/juvenile court is very different from district/superior court—it is, as one judge once jokingly observed to me, “where the Rules of Civil Procedure go to die”.  I would suggest being wary about assuming that your professional experience has prepared you to handle him if the worse comes to the worst.

Edited by Just_A_Guy
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On 11/21/2018 at 11:08 PM, Jane_Doe said:

 What you are describing here is NOT an adult.  He needs to grow up and put the most important things first.  If he truly values his games more than his wife or son... frankly that's a MAJOR problem.  If you truly feel that he would leave you if you quit funding his hobbies while he doesn't take part in your marriage.... that's REALLY bad.  

I don't know what to do about it.

 

On 11/21/2018 at 11:20 PM, Jane_Doe said:

I know video gamers.  They can be a lot of fun.  I game myself.  But what you're describing here isn't a healthy gamer-- it's a person who's running away from the real world to a fantasy one where he can be a hero/champion.  These type of people don't have connection/confidence in real world relationships / responsibilities.  Whether or not they are biologically addicted to the game (like with nicotine)(I'm not getting into that argument), they use games the way any addict uses their fix: it's a way to escape real world pressures, so much so that it rules their life and destroys the real one.  

 

I know my son and I aren't enough for him but I don't know what else he needs to give him some motivation to get a job. I know he feels unfulfilled the same way I do and it hurts me that he feels this way but he won't solve it by playing games. 

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1 hour ago, Alia said:

I don't know what to do about it.

 

I know my son and I aren't enough for him but I don't know what else he needs to give him some motivation to get a job. I know he feels unfulfilled the same way I do and it hurts me that he feels this way but he won't solve it by playing games. 

Usually an unhealthy gamer finds a self of accomplishment in games they don't find in the real world.  That they can win this match, or get this achievement, etc-- they're confident and on top.  Which usually conceals the fact that they feel too small to even address real world problems-- lack of self esteem and good real-life strategies.  So they run away to the fake world where they can be on top, which puts them further behind in real-world stuff, and it turns into a horrible self feeding cycle.

Breaking the cycle requires learning healthy life-strategies for dealing with stress, breaking down problems, etc.  Learning how to fight real-world challenges rather than retreating to a gaming world.  It's a change that only he can do.  But first he has to acknowledge that it is a problem and be willing to get into the real-life arena to face it.     In the mean time I would not continue to finance or ignore the problem.  I have seen marriages dissolve over gaming addiction, simply because it is an addiction and real world family becomes not important. 

Edited by Jane_Doe
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@Alia I have yet to hear you say Need in it's proper position in your marriage. You do understand the major difference between Need and Want when it comes to the financial part of your marriage. You make out budgets, follow them and do great. You purchase and pay for the Needs of your household.

Husband, on the other hand does not. He Wants material things, and you give it to him.

Re-budget your marriage and only fulfill the NEEDS, and toss out the WANTS. You are a litigator - so litigate your marriage with this lazy immature man you have married. Then stand firm and follow through.

If it were me, I would open my own checking & savings accounts in MY name only, and NOT deposit my paycheck into the joint account - if hubby wants money for his games then he will have to go get a job or have his mommy pay for them. If hubby wants to eat, then he will have to pay for it himself. I would work only part time and from home as much as possible - with-in my professional field. Don't waste that legal education that you paid so dearly for. AND I would toss him out on his lazy bum - he has his own Mother to support him.

NOT feeding his child, NOT dressing him, caring for him is - - - -CHILD NEGLECT! Are you going to wait until your child is seriously ill from his father neglecting him, and you in absentia doing the same - - ignoring the NEEDS of this child before you, yes YOU step up to the Parental Plate and putting THAT child's needs first?

 

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12 minutes ago, Jane_Doe said:

Breaking the cycle requires learning healthy life-strategies for dealing with stress, breaking down problems, etc.  Learning how to fight real-world challenges rather than retreating to a gaming world.  It's a change that only he can do.  But first he has to acknowledge that it is a problem and be willing to get into the real-life arena to face it.   

And just like any addict he will have to hit rock-bottom, realize he has hit rock-bottom, acknowledge he has hit rock-bottom and CARE enough to pull himself up by his bootstraps, and seek professional help to get back on the right track. Oh, and he also has to Grow Up, and you have to step back and let him hit rock-bottom and to grow up all on his own.

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11 minutes ago, Iggy said:

And just like any addict he will have to hit rock-bottom, realize he has hit rock-bottom, acknowledge he has hit rock-bottom and CARE enough to pull himself up by his bootstraps, and seek professional help to get back on the right track. Oh, and he also has to Grow Up, and you have to step back and let him hit rock-bottom and to grow up all on his own.

And @Alia's husband is an addict.   Video games are his drug.

Not all drugs have to be physical.  Not all addictions have to be biological.  All addictions involve using X to escape real-world problems and create that self-feeding cycle.  

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On 11/24/2018 at 4:46 PM, Iggy said:

 If it were me, I would open my own checking & savings accounts in MY name only, and NOT deposit my paycheck into the joint account - if hubby wants money for his games then he will have to go get a job or have his mommy pay for them. If hubby wants to eat, then he will have to pay for it himself. I would work only part time and from home as much as possible - with-in my professional field. Don't waste that legal education that you paid so dearly for. AND I would toss him out on his lazy bum - he has his own Mother to support him.

 

I don't want to hold my husband to ransom. I don't feel cutting him off isn't the right way to treat him, but I don't know what else I can do. 

 

On 11/24/2018 at 4:46 PM, Iggy said:

 NOT feeding his child, NOT dressing him, caring for him is - - - -CHILD NEGLECT! Are you going to wait until your child is seriously ill from his father neglecting him, and you in absentia doing the same - - ignoring the NEEDS of this child before you, yes YOU step up to the Parental Plate and putting THAT child's needs first?

 

My husband doesn't neglect our son, if I was worried about my son's health of course I wouldn't leave my son. 

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9 minutes ago, Alia said:

I don't want to hold my husband to ransom. I don't feel cutting him off isn't the right way to treat him, but I don't know what else I can do.

My husband doesn't neglect our son, if I was worried about my son's health of course I wouldn't leave my son. 

1

It is not ransom, it is holding him accountable.

Um, you said: the bolded part below in particular ~ doesn't get him dressed, he actually claimed he forgets (this is plural aka multiple times) to feed him. To me, that is Neglect, pure and simple!

On 11/21/2018 at 3:11 PM, Alia said:

He does nothing with our son, the days he doesn't take him to his mom's house he doesn't even get him dressed. Some days he claims he forgets to feed our son I come home from work at 8PM and the lunch I made for him is still in the fridge. He knows how to do laundry he just doesn't do it. He doesn't even pick up my dry cleaning when I ask him to. The only things he will do are home improvement even not on our home, if his friends ask him he will go and help them. I have no faith in him being capable of being a good stay at home dad.

3

 

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On 11/22/2018 at 3:01 AM, marge said:

Thats why I think an ultimatum is appropriate.  He either steps up to the plate and actually takes responsibility and actually does the job he insisted on having (stay at home dad) or he gets a job so you can do it. Make it clear to him that those are his choices.  Stand your ground, I'd also be insisting on marriage counselling, you can't live like this for the rest of your life, something needs to change

My husband knows that I won't follow through on it. That is the only problem. I am hoping things will naturally change when our son starts going to Nursery. 

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10 minutes ago, Alia said:

My husband knows that I won't follow through on it. That is the only problem. I am hoping things will naturally change when our son starts going to Nursery. 

Your son being a few months older isn't going to result in your husband being willing to face real-world challenges.

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