My husband won't let me stay home with our baby because I make more money than him


Alia
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Just now, Alia said:

Whether  I am home with him or not doesn't matter, I am still his mother and I am only a call away from him. 

Of course it matters, otherwise, you wouldn't be wanting to quit your job to stay home with your child.  Having your child be with his grandmother while you're not there is a good thing.

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@Alia for every constructive piece of advice presented to you here, you put up a negative roadblock to. You also are 'flip-flopping', IOW your responses are not staying the same. It gave me a headache trying to gather all the data to present here on each and every opposite response you have given.

Own up to the fact that the human male you married has yet to mature into a man. Own up to the fact that you are enjoying the conflict in your mind. Seems to me this Passive-Aggressive attitude is your addiction.

Keep this attitude up and your son will most definitely become the victim. Children see, hear, feel and absorb the emotional, mental, AND physical negativity/ abuse that is played out around them from the time they are born until they reach an age where they can escape the home. Is this what you want for your son?  If you want to stay home more and be the nurturing mother, then JUST DO IT!

Why in creations name do you allow this immature husband of yours to continue with the mental/emotional blackmail? cut off hubby's access to YOUR income. Completely cut off access to the Wifi, TV, Internet, food that he does NOT purchase with his own money. Open a bank account in your own name, empty your joint account of all the money YOU deposited, leaving only the money HE had deposited. Protect yourself financially and don't for one second believe that he won't get custody of your son.

Call his bluff. IF he leaves you, then fine, you are no longer paying for a freeloader. Fine, he has shown his true colors and you are better off with him gone now as opposed to later when more emotional damage has been absorbed by your son. Unless of course, you enjoy being the martyr, but must you make your son a martyr also???

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On 11/26/2018 at 6:42 AM, Alia said:

My husband knows that I won't follow through on it. That is the only problem. I am hoping things will naturally change when our son starts going to Nursery. 

So if you did follow through on it, it would be the shock of his life and really get you the results you are after.  You can't just complain and pray and hope that something will change, you need to take action, you need to follow through

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5 hours ago, Iggy said:

@Alia for every constructive piece of advice presented to you here, you put up a negative roadblock to. You also are 'flip-flopping', IOW your responses are not staying the same. It gave me a headache trying to gather all the data to present here on each and every opposite response you have given.

Own up to the fact that the human male you married has yet to mature into a man. Own up to the fact that you are enjoying the conflict in your mind. Seems to me this Passive-Aggressive attitude is your addiction.

Keep this attitude up and your son will most definitely become the victim. Children see, hear, feel and absorb the emotional, mental, AND physical negativity/ abuse that is played out around them from the time they are born until they reach an age where they can escape the home. Is this what you want for your son?  If you want to stay home more and be the nurturing mother, then JUST DO IT!

Why in creations name do you allow this immature husband of yours to continue with the mental/emotional blackmail? cut off hubby's access to YOUR income. Completely cut off access to the Wifi, TV, Internet, food that he does NOT purchase with his own money. Open a bank account in your own name, empty your joint account of all the money YOU deposited, leaving only the money HE had deposited. Protect yourself financially and don't for one second believe that he won't get custody of your son.

Call his bluff. IF he leaves you, then fine, you are no longer paying for a freeloader. Fine, he has shown his true colors and you are better off with him gone now as opposed to later when more emotional damage has been absorbed by your son. Unless of course, you enjoy being the martyr, but must you make your son a martyr also???

I don't care for your opinion and you are dead wrong

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7 hours ago, anatess2 said:

Of course it matters, otherwise, you wouldn't be wanting to quit your job to stay home with your child.  Having your child be with his grandmother while you're not there is a good thing.

When I am at work I am still his mother. I don't stop being his mother during working hours. 

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2 hours ago, marge said:

So if you did follow through on it, it would be the shock of his life and really get you the results you are after.  You can't just complain and pray and hope that something will change, you need to take action, you need to follow through

@Alia,

I'd encourage you to think about what Marge just said.  I'll tell you a story from my life.

My wife's aunt married a man who was a hard working man who treated her kindly.  When she got pregnant, she thought he'd be happy.  And he was.  Then he left.  Gone.  No message.  No nothing.  She was officially a single pregnant woman left to fend for herself.

When it came due, she had the baby and went home to find her husband was there waiting for her.  He met her with smiles and looked forward to seeing the baby.  She asked him to wait for a moment as she fetched some paperwork and asked him to sign them.

He wondered what he had done to warrant a divorce.  She explained that his behavior was unacceptable.  He rebutted that his own father did that with each of his children.  And each time, his mother protested that it was wrong and too difficult for her.  The father asked for forgiveness.  And each time he left again.  And it went all over again with each baby.  The wife forgave him each time hoping that he'd change with the next baby.  He never did.

Not only that, but his son now thought it was perfectly normal.

My wife's aunt did not forgive him and insisted that he sign the papers.  He did.  And he didn't quite understand.  Eventually, they both got remarried.  She was happy with her new husband.  And he did not leave his second wife when she got pregnant. If she didn't have him sign the papers, do you think he would have learned his lesson?

You can decide for yourself how much this story does or does not apply to you.  But to me, I know it's not the same.  But I sure see a lot of lessons about being a husband and father.  And it also speaks to what a wife is supposed to do for the sake of her children.

EDIT: I'm not saying that your husband's behavior warrants divorce.  You have to decide that for yourself based on the details known to you.  But action is required for him to know that his behavior is unacceptable.

Edited by Guest
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7 hours ago, Iggy said:

@Alia for every constructive piece of advice presented to you here, you put up a negative roadblock to. You also are 'flip-flopping', IOW your responses are not staying the same. It gave me a headache trying to gather all the data to present here on each and every opposite response you have given.

Own up to the fact that the human male you married has yet to mature into a man. Own up to the fact that you are enjoying the conflict in your mind. Seems to me this Passive-Aggressive attitude is your addiction.

Keep this attitude up and your son will most definitely become the victim. Children see, hear, feel and absorb the emotional, mental, AND physical negativity/ abuse that is played out around them from the time they are born until they reach an age where they can escape the home. Is this what you want for your son?  If you want to stay home more and be the nurturing mother, then JUST DO IT!

Why in creations name do you allow this immature husband of yours to continue with the mental/emotional blackmail? cut off hubby's access to YOUR income. Completely cut off access to the Wifi, TV, Internet, food that he does NOT purchase with his own money. Open a bank account in your own name, empty your joint account of all the money YOU deposited, leaving only the money HE had deposited. Protect yourself financially and don't for one second believe that he won't get custody of your son.

Call his bluff. IF he leaves you, then fine, you are no longer paying for a freeloader. Fine, he has shown his true colors and you are better off with him gone now as opposed to later when more emotional damage has been absorbed by your son. Unless of course, you enjoy being the martyr, but must you make your son a martyr also???

I'd say the advice above is a tad extreme. 

IF she is the primary breadwinner and then refuses to allow her spouse to have any food, that is not only grounds for divorce, it could also be grounds for a criminal proceeding depending on how it is enforced.  If it ended up in divorce, that alone would be a heavy factor in determining alimony and who gets custody.

I would HIGHLY suggest NOT following that line of advice. 

My thoughts in that regards seem to be more in line with...

Lowering the spouse's allowance or putting NECESSARY NEEDS before ANY WANTS is completely acceptable.  If a spouse is threatening to leave because of WANTS rather than needs, I would absolutely call a bluff on that, because NEEDS need to be taken care of.  I would put the NEEDS and perhaps even the WANTS of the child before my own and most of the spouse's wants. 

Discussing Wifi, Internet, and TV usage jointly is acceptable, but if you are in a marriage where things are seen as jointly owned between spouses...dictating or trying to force your spouse to do things or trying to refuse them those things while keeping and using them yourself may not be the best or brightest idea.  It can lead to trouble and if enforced too strictly may be confused with slavery (illegal in the US and most of Europe) rather than treating a partner or spouse in a manner that they should be treated. 

Something that can work when you have a primary breadwinner and a non-working spouse is to create 3 accounts.  The first is for bills, food, and other necessities.  You also put up savings.  You can make it so that it can only be spent jointly or in certain areas.  You could create it in your name and require your signature to take out cash or whatever to use the money.  You then create another account for his wants and one for your wants.  If needs are outstripping wants, I would absolutely reduce his allowance.  HOWEVER...I would never have your allowance (the money that goes into your account rather than the NEEDS account) be higher then your spouses.  Keeping it equal or even is normally the best, but I wouldn't have yours be more than your spouses.

If he gets upset about a reduced allowance for wants...THEN and ONLY then would I call his bluff, if it is a bluff.  But, hopefully he would recognize the necessity of needs and remain and be a loving husband.  Necessary NEEDS should ALWAYS be higher in priority than WANTS.

I also highly discourage divorce except in cases of spousal abuse, adultery or special situations (complete and total apostasy with a huge hostility towards the church and a prevention, maybe even abuse, to prevent spouse from attending or worship...or certain serious crimes that pertain to children or other situations similar...etc).

Better to work on the marriage and love one's spouse than to shoot for divorce...or foster that type of attitude...In my opinion...of course.

Edited by JohnsonJones
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16 minutes ago, JohnsonJones said:

I'd say the advice above is a tad extreme.

I don't think Iggy or my suggestions are extreme.  The God-ordained marriage has the husband as the provider (i.e. as the breadwinner)-see the Proclamation.  This wife and husband have the marriage roles backwards and it is causing major problems (duh!). The wife finally realized (after 5 years-it's a mistake she didn't go into the marriage with this attitude) she doesn't want to be the provider and she'd rather be the nurturer. 

So she is at a major impasse and a marriage that is upside-down, inside-out and backwards. So now after 5 years, she has decided she'd like to try a more traditional God-ordained marriage (good for her! better late than never!). The problem is wife wants a traditional role, husband (after thinking he'd hit the jackpot) doesn't.

If I understand Iggy correctly, iggy and I aren't suggesting she reduce the allowance, cut-back, etc.  We are both suggesting that if she wants to assume the traditional role . . .then DO IT!!! Stop working, tell your husband, I'm going to be the traditional wife, and you are going to be the traditional husband, I'm not going to be the breadwinner.  If you want to play video games with money you've earned after you've provided for us, fine, but I ain't going to carry your slack anymore.

Yes that transition period will probably be very, very rough.  But it's the only way.  The husband isn't going to magically wake up and just say "gee, you know my wife has been making 100k a year and I can only make 50k, so just to please my wife I'll work making 50k so she can be the traditional nurturer." The only way that is going to happen is if the wife says, I'm okay with you making 50k/year, and to prove to you I'm okay with that I quit my job!.

Unfortunately what Alia doesn't realize, (maybe it's lack of maturity, maybe it's unwillingness acknowledge reality . . .  I personally think what it really boils down to is the fact that she doesn't really want to stay home with the kid, or more accurately she is unwilling to make the sacrifice to make that happen.  She knows that her husband can in no way bring home as much money as she is making (and so does he) and unless and until she demonstrates to him solidly that she is willing to make the financial sacrifice to set things right, the situation will continue.

She married a beta male and when she married him she probably married him specifically b/c he was a beta male, maybe b/c alpha males scared her (or they were afraid of marrying a woman that they'd have to fight to get into a traditional role).  Now she wants an alpha, when she married the beta.  There are only two solutions to this, either she continues to be the alpha or she says full stop-I'm not going to be an alpha anymore, you are my husband I expect you to be an alpha-go out there and kill the wolves!  And if you don't kill the wolves we die.

You'd be surprised what survival instinct will do when it's forced to kick in.

There are a lot of social-cultural issues at play that have brought this couple to this point . . .I truly wish it were different, but that's why I raise my kids differently than modern society so they won't get into these problems. Best of luck to this young lady, I truly mean it.

The third solution . . .which is possible is that eventually after another 5-10 years her husband wakes up-doubtful but possible.  Without a drastic change on her part there is absolutely 0 chance that he will change anytime soon.

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23 minutes ago, boxer said:

I don't think Iggy or my suggestions are extreme.  The God-ordained marriage has the husband as the provider (i.e. as the breadwinner)-see the Proclamation.  This wife and husband have the marriage roles backwards and it is causing major problems (duh!). The wife finally realized (after 5 years-it's a mistake she didn't go into the marriage with this attitude) she doesn't want to be the provider and she'd rather be the nurturer. 

Let's skip the personal attacks.

Note: I don't have any problem with a working mom or stay at home dad.  The default is the reverse, but sometimes things go other ways.  Keep listening to God in your marriage.

But anyways, my previous comments on how the husband here sounds like a gaming addict and there should be counseling to help this couple.   If husband doesn't want to go/change with her, then she can go to be stronger/healthy person herself, which is always a good thing.  

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1 minute ago, Jane_Doe said:

Let's skip the personal attacks.

Note: I don't have any problem with a working mom or stay at home dad.  The default is the reverse, but sometimes things go other ways.  Keep listening to God in your marriage.

But anyways, my previous comments on how the husband here sounds like a gaming addict and there should be counseling to help this couple.   If husband doesn't want to go/change with her, then she can go to be stronger/healthy person herself, which is always a good thing.  

?? I fail to understand how I personally "attacked" her.  Pointing out what should be an obvious mistake is not a "personal attack".

I jumped off a bridge and broke my leg.  Someone comes along and says, hey you shouldn't have jumped off a bridge that was a mistake to jump off the bridge.  OMG PERSONAL ATTACK!!!!

Chill.  I'm pointing out (what should be the obvious), that there is a reason why the Proclamation on the Family exists, it lays out clearly what God has ordained as the proper roles of husband/wife.  Any deviation from that is going to cause problems-period.  It doesn't mean that deviations can't work, just that it won't work as well.

Clearly, had this young lady thought 5 years ago that when children came she would want to be at home and had discussed it with her potential mate-this issue would have never come up. That was obviously a mistake.  She is trying now to rectify that mistake.  Yes, people change.  I'm glad she has changed so that she would like to be the nurturer-that's awesome. But drastically changing the role you want to play in your marriage 5 years in, isn't something that you can just do with the snap of a finger. 

Is the world so bubble-wrapped in today's society that we can't plainly acknowledge a mistake without someone claiming it is a "personal attack"?

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Guest MormonGator
9 minutes ago, Jane_Doe said:

 I don't have any problem with a working mom or stay at home dad.  

Why would anyone have a problem with a working mom or stay at home dad? 

Seriously, why?

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12 minutes ago, MormonGator said:

Why would anyone have a problem with a working mom or stay at home dad? 

Seriously, why?

Read the Proclamation. Men and women are different-I know drastic, outrageous, dangerous thought in today's androgynous, transgendered world

Clearly if men and women are different then if a woman stays home with a child they will gain/learn different things than if a man stays home with a child.  This should be obvious . . .unless you claim men and women are the same.

If you want to know specifically.  For starters woman are much more early child protective than men are.  A woman is biologically engineered to specifically nurture a child-how, a babies cry.  A mother instinctively knows/feels/understands a babies cry better than a man ever will. Studies have been done on this. Women specifically know their babies cry, men do not . . .but men are much better at picking out their children from a crowd of children than a woman. For the first several years a child is extremely vulnerable to the world.  It's one reason why breast-milk is so important, it provides tons of protection to a young child that can not be gained any other way-except through breast milk.

For thousands of years it has been this way, our bodies, emotions, brains were built for the survival of the species.  That instinct is specifically for woman to be nurturers at the start of a young child's life and then the father takes over and throws the child out into the world to sink or swim. Modern society has upended this process in the past 30 years . . .it's a huge experiment that is just mind-boggling that we do it and accept it. 

All because we buy into the lie that men and women are the same.

Edited by boxer
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Most of the advice you have been given here will lead to a divorce. If you don't want that don't follow their advice. I would try talking to your husband and going to counseling. Who's to say he doesn't want to stay with the kid as much as you do? Why should he not be allowed to see your kid grow?

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Just now, Tyme said:

. Who's to say he doesn't want to stay with the kid as much as you do? Why should he not be allowed to see your kid grow?

My thoughts completely, 100%. I know several families that are :: gasp :: happy, healthy and stable where the man stays at home with kids and the wife works. Oh, the humanity. The humanity! 

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4 minutes ago, MormonGator said:

My thoughts completely, 100%. I know several families that are :: gasp :: happy, healthy and stable where the man stays at home with kids and the wife works. Oh, the humanity. The humanity! 

You are only looking at the short-term. Come back in a generation and then let's talk.

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Just now, boxer said:

You are only looking at the short-term. Come back in a generation and then let's talk.

I won't remember this conversation in five minutes, much less in a generation. 

 

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3 minutes ago, boxer said:

You are only looking at the short-term. Come back in a generation and then let's talk.

I'll take you up on that. That's how sure I am that the church is going to capitulate. The church is a rough stone rolling that can't be stopped. If it doesn't change course on gays the converts will be slim to none in the U.S. You're already seeing that in Europe. That's why I am sure the church will reverse course. We need all hands on deck rather they be straight, gay, transgender or any sexuality.

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10 minutes ago, Tyme said:

Most of the advice you have been given here will lead to a divorce. If you don't want that don't follow their advice. I would try talking to your husband and going to counseling. Who's to say he doesn't want to stay with the kid as much as you do? Why should he not be allowed to see your kid grow?

And thus why the problem is never solved.  You can't live your life in fear of what "might" happen if you do the right thing.

It's the same reason why parents have so many problems with their kids. Child doesn't complete their homework on time, so the parents sit there with the child cajoling, begging, pleading, etc. for the child to finish the homework.  A wise person comes along and says, hey why not just not help the child and let them do their homework, if they don't complete it then they don't complete it.  But then they will fail!!! wails the parent, yes you are right they might fail . . .but they might also succeed.

If her husband initiates divorce, then that is on him and his sin.  I never said this is an "easy" problem. But if you want to fix the problem, then fix the dang problem and let the chips fall where they may. The root problem in a sentence is this:

"Wife has a job, she doesn't want to work and wants to stay home with kid and she wants her husband to work and he doesn't want to work."

No amount of begging, pleading, cajoling, hoping, wishing, threatening, etc. is going to work. So if wife really wants to stay at home with child, then she needs to quit her job and stay at home.  The outcomes from that are going to be either a) husband steps up to the plate and gets a job b) husband does nothing and they go on welfare c) husband leaves her.

First option is better than what is currently happening.  2nd option is worse than what is happening. 3rd option is a wash-why is it a wash?  Well, based upon what the wife has stated she doesn't really have a marriage right now anyways and she is already working.  If her husband leaves, she'll need to work to provide for her child and will be in no worse situation than she is in right now.  I'm not advocating for divorce, only that the fear that "her husband might leave her" is not a valid argument.  In fact, it might actually be a real turning point in their marriage-is the husband going to step up or are they going to be stuck for the next 15 years and then finally get a divorce b/c they could never come together?

Which is worse, have a marriage in name-only now, do something drastic to shake it up to possibly make it a real marriage with the risk that it might dissolve or continue down the same path for the next 15 years be miserable and then have your husband leave you?

And counseling for game addiction . . .that won't work.  Unless you want to drag out the problem for 5-10 years.

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12 minutes ago, Tyme said:

I'll take you up on that. That's how sure I am that the church is going to capitulate. The church is a rough stone rolling that can't be stopped. If it doesn't change course on gays the converts will be slim to none in the U.S. You're already seeing that in Europe. That's why I am sure the church will reverse course. We need all hands on deck rather they be straight, gay, transgender or any sexuality.

Notice, I didn't say anything about the Church capitulating . . .only that let's talk in another generation. It is objectively true that today's current generation is worse off in every single aspect compared to the prior generation.  Academics, mental health, spirituality, etc.

You may be right that the Church "capitulates" but it won't be a good thing for society.

And all hands on deck for what exactly?  Who really gives a flip if the Church doesn't "grow"?  Unless you think of the Church like a consumer product . . .omg it's not GROWING!!!! hurry quick, let's change to conform to the "consumer" so we can "grow".

If that is what religion is all about then it doesn't mean anything and it's total trash.

Edited by boxer
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2 minutes ago, boxer said:

Notice, I didn't say anything about the Church capitulating . . .only that let's talk in another generation. It is objectively true that today's current generation is worse off in every single aspect compared to the prior generation.  Academics, mental health, spirituality, etc.

You may be right that the Church "capitulates" but it won't be a good thing for society.

It’s more of the same ol same ol. It seems every generation thinks they are better than the next.

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8 minutes ago, Tyme said:

It’s more of the same ol same ol. It seems every generation thinks they are better than the next.

I never said I think my generation is better than the previous generation.  I tend to agree that the current generation does believe it is better than the previous generation . . .there is a word for that-hubris.

And yes there is something called wisdom.  I understand the current generation can't seem to grasp that concept but wisdom comes from experience and listening to those who come before you.  It's also called respect-something this world is sorely lacking.

You seem to think that the Gen Xers or Boomers think they are "better than" the current generation.  I have no idea where you get that silly notion from.  "Better than" is a waste of time.  What I said was that objectively measured the current generation is worse off when compared to the same age of previous generations (i.e. when the boomers were 20-30s, when the xers were 20-30s)-this is absolutely statically true . . .unless you want to deny reality.  Which sadly is what so many of the current generation have been indoctrinated to do-deny reality-no wonder more of them are nuts than previous generations.

 

Edited by boxer
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