Alia

My husband won't let me stay home with our baby because I make more money than him

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6 minutes ago, boxer said:

And thus why the problem is never solved.  You can't live your life in fear of what "might" happen if you do the right thing.

It's the same reason why parents have so many problems with their kids. Child doesn't complete their homework on time, so the parents sit there with the child cajoling, begging, pleading, etc. for the child to finish the homework.  A wise person comes along and says, hey why not just not help the child and let them do their homework, if they don't complete it then they don't complete it.  But then they will fail!!! wails the parent, yes you are right they might fail . . .but they might also succeed.

If her husband initiates divorce, then that is on him and his sin.  I never said this is an "easy" problem. But if you want to fix the problem, then fix the dang problem and let the chips fall where they may. The root problem in a sentence is this:

"Wife has a job, she doesn't want to work and wants to stay home with kid and she wants her husband to work and he doesn't want to work."

No amount of begging, pleading, cajoling, hoping, wishing, threatening, etc. is going to work. So if wife really wants to stay at home with child, then she needs to quit her job and stay at home.  The outcomes from that are going to be either a) husband steps up to the plate and gets a job b) husband does nothing and they go on welfare c) husband leaves her.

First option is better than what is currently happening.  2nd option is worse than what is happening. 3rd option is a wash-why is it a wash?  Well, based upon what the wife has stated she doesn't really have a marriage right now anyways and she is already working.  If her husband leaves, she'll need to work to provide for her child and will be in no worse situation than she is in right now.  I'm not advocating for divorce, only that the fear that "her husband might leave her" is not a valid argument.  In fact, it might actually be a real turning point in their marriage-is the husband going to step up or are they going to be stuck for the next 15 years and then finally get a divorce b/c they could never come together?

Which is worse, have a marriage in name-only now, do something drastic to shake it up to possibly make it a real marriage with the risk that it might dissolve or continue down the same path for the next 15 years be miserable and then have your husband leave you?

And counseling for game addiction . . .that won't work.  Unless you want to drag out the problem for 5-10 years.

Counseling to discuss their issues with a mediator. An objective non-partial third party.

Also remember you’re only hearing one side of the story.

IMO which ever person can make the higher income should work or both work part-time. It’s a partnership after all.

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7 minutes ago, MormonGator said:

You are aware that every generation since the dawn of time has been convinced that the upcoming generation will be the death of humanity, right? 

Another tripe that is just spit out with no statistical backing to make you feel better about the state of the world.

If you believe in the Scriptures the above is patently and demonstrably false.

Edited by boxer

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Just now, boxer said:

Another tripe that is just spit out with no statistical backing.

Oh you are so right about that. I've tried to interview every single person that has lived since 30000 BC, but most won't return my calls or emails. 

http://mentalfloss.com/article/52209/15-historical-complaints-about-young-people-ruining-everything

http://www.bbc.com/capital/story/20171003-proof-that-people-have-always-complained-about-young-adults

https://historyhustle.com/2500-years-of-people-complaining-about-the-younger-generation/

It's always sad when someone gives up thinking and relies on cliches. "Those darn young people will ruin everything!" is a perfect example of it. 

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2 minutes ago, MormonGator said:

Oh you are so right about that. I've tried to interview every single person that has lived since 30000 BC, but most won't return my calls or emails. 

http://mentalfloss.com/article/52209/15-historical-complaints-about-young-people-ruining-everything

http://www.bbc.com/capital/story/20171003-proof-that-people-have-always-complained-about-young-adults

https://historyhustle.com/2500-years-of-people-complaining-about-the-younger-generation/

It's always sad when someone gives up thinking and relies on cliches. "Those darn young people will ruin everything!" is a perfect example of it. 

The Scriptures refute you. It is plainly obvious that some generations are worse than others. And we know that in the Last days . . .aka Latter-days the world will become very, very wicked so wicked that Christ will come an cleanse it.

You are a "Latter-day" Saint right?  Unless you are one of those new age Mormons who just think it's just some good stuff that some guy wrote and it maybe real, maybe it's not.  Or unless you don't really believe we are in the "last days" . . .so I guess you really aren't a "Latter-day" saint, just a middle-day saint?

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2 minutes ago, MormonGator said:

You are aware that every generation since the dawn of time has been convinced that the upcoming generation will be the death of humanity, right? 

Yes, absolutely agree.

And also, that we've been predicting the end of the world too.  i used to think that was something that developed after the renaissance.  But right back to the time of Jesus and even before - it was the same.   Everyone was convinced the end was nigh at hand.  "The world is ripening in iniquity."  "God will come and cleanse all the evil people." 

All the apocalypticism in the Bible - we think they were talking about our times.  But at least the more i read about it, it becomes more and more obvious that they were actually not talking about our times at all - they were talking about their own.  

i wonder sometimes what will be the thing that the current generation throws their scorn towards.  What will cross over the next "bridge too far".  The odds of it not happening again seem too small to consider.  

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Just now, lostinwater said:

Yes, absolutely agree.

And also, that we've been predicting the end of the world too.  i used to think that was something that developed after the renaissance.  But right back to the time of Jesus and even before - it was the same.   Everyone was convinced the end was nigh at hand.  "The world is ripening in iniquity."  "God will come and cleanse all the evil people." 

All the apocalypticism in the Bible - we think they were talking about our times.  But at least the more i read about it, it becomes more and more obvious that they were actually not talking about our times at all - they were talking about their own.  

i wonder sometimes what will be the thing that the current generation throws their scorn towards.  What will cross over the next "bridge too far".  The odds of it not happening again seem too small to consider.  

All true. It's one of those historical facts that can't really be debated. Oh sure, you can debate that the Earth is flat, or that Shakespeare was really a type of talking carrot, but the truth, as Fox Mulder says, is out there. 

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3 minutes ago, lostinwater said:

Yes, absolutely agree.

And also, that we've been predicting the end of the world too.  i used to think that was something that developed after the renaissance.  But right back to the time of Jesus and even before - it was the same.   Everyone was convinced the end was nigh at hand.  "The world is ripening in iniquity."  "God will come and cleanse all the evil people." 

All the apocalypticism in the Bible - we think they were talking about our times.  But at least the more i read about it, it becomes more and more obvious that they were actually not talking about our times at all - they were talking about their own.  

i wonder sometimes what will be the thing that the current generation throws their scorn towards.  What will cross over the next "bridge too far".  The odds of it not happening again seem too small to consider.  

I just think it's fascinating that so many members don't really believe in the 2nd Coming anymore . . .it's like they willfully ignore the signs of the times.  Or make comments like "every next generation is wicked".  Boiling pot and all . . .fascinating, really fascinating.

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1 minute ago, boxer said:

I just think it's fascinating that so many members don't really believe in the 2nd Coming anymore . . .it's like they willfully ignore the signs of the times.  Or make comments like "every next generation is wicked".  Boiling pot and all . . .fascinating, really fascinating.

I think what you fail to comprehend is that someone can believe in the second coming of Christ (and I do) yet still see how history works. 

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3 minutes ago, MormonGator said:

I think what you fail to comprehend is that someone can believe in the second coming of Christ (and I do) yet still see how history works. 

Okay . . .hubris, it's an amazing word.

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5 minutes ago, boxer said:

I just think it's fascinating that so many members don't really believe in the 2nd Coming anymore . . .it's like they willfully ignore the signs of the times.  Or make comments like "every next generation is wicked".  Boiling pot and all . . .fascinating, really fascinating.

Thank-you.

Well, i'm not an active member.  That aside, i guess i leave the second coming - if there is one in the sense that most members think of it - up to God.  Because so far, i'm not sure i've found many ways worse to navigate one's life than working under the belief that the world is on the brink of ending. 

Not saying anyone else views it that way - probably, most don't.  i get the sense that you are quite balanced in that regard - which is a good thing.

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6 hours ago, Alia said:

When I am at work I am still his mother. I don't stop being his mother during working hours. 

You may be his mother but you’re not doing mother things, therefore, the grandmother doing the mothering in your place is better for your son than not having a mother to do those things at all.  A Father is not interchangeable with a Mother.

If this statement of FACT is objectionable to you then I have no idea why you desire to quit your good paying job to be with your son.

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4 hours ago, MormonGator said:

Why would anyone have a problem with a working mom or stay at home dad? 

Seriously, why?

 

4 hours ago, MormonGator said:

My thoughts completely, 100%. I know several families that are :: gasp :: happy, healthy and stable where the man stays at home with kids and the wife works. Oh, the humanity. The humanity! 

A happy, healthy, stable child can emerge out of a single parent, a divorced couple, an orphanage, same sex parents, a kidnapping situation, etc.  We don’t voluntarily put children in those situations if we can help it.

The position that there is ZERO problem with a working mom and a stay at home dad MAY hold the erroneous belief that the role of a Mother or a Father is equally served by either gender.

Of course, just like nobody goes to their 3rd grade show and tell and declare, When I Grow Up, I want to be a single mother, I would hope that nobody goes up and declares, “When I Grow Up, I want my wife to work so I can stay home and be with the kids” either.  These are things that are supposed to be Plan B’s because the better Plan A did not work out.

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9 hours ago, boxer said:

I just think it's fascinating that so many members don't really believe in the 2nd Coming anymore . . .it's like they willfully ignore the signs of the times.  Or make comments like "every next generation is wicked".  Boiling pot and all . . .fascinating, really fascinating.

Another universal truth is that every generation thinks the second coming is going to happen in their generation or the generation after. 

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Wow.  Just wow.

Your husband sounds like a spoiled, selfish brat.

His wife sounds like a spoiled, selfish brat, too.

Here's the one principle that I'm going to offer up: miserable parents raise miserable children.

Let's take a look at how things might play out

  • The status quo: you continue to be the primary breadwinner and are miserable.  Likely result: your marriage sucks and probably fails.
  • Role reversal: you convince your husband somehow to go be the primary breadwinner and he is miserable. Likely result: he resents you, your marriage sucks, and probably fails.

If you actually want this thing to work out, then you need to find some way to make a compromise.  You've received some good advice already.

For instance: cut back your hours. You say you can't do that because clients keep requesting you because you're just SO-DARN-GOOD at your job, and that means working late hours.  Well, guess what, your employer doesn't respect your time and your value.  If you can't cut your hours, go find another job that will respect the hours you want to maintain. With your immense talents and capabilities, it shouldn't be hard to find another job.  

The people here that have made the observation that you are rejecting any advice that isn't the solution you want are dead on.  I'm sorry, but if you want your marriage and family to succeed, the reality is that you're probably going to have to come up with a more creative solution.

Here's the big one: set up a budget. Do not EVER just quit a job without understanding how that is going to affect you the rest of your life.  If you quit now and your husband (who, as far as we know, has no particularly lucrative skills) becomes the breadwinner, how are you going to save up enough for your retirement?  Your budget must include things like long term savings (retirement), emergency savings, short term savings (houses and cars), groceries, gas, utilities, entertainment, and yes, video games (or whatever hobbies he has).  This is where you take the opportunity to say "if you want to increase your hobby budget, you have to earn the money to go into it." Then you both find employment that will let you meet your goals of more family time, your financial goals, and your own well-being.

But to be candid, if the only option he's will to accept is the status quo and the only option you're willing to accept is switching roles entirely, then you're marriage probably isn't salvageable.

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20 hours ago, lostinwater said:

 Because so far, i'm not sure i've found many ways worse to navigate one's life than working under the belief that the world is on the brink of ending.

Umm, actually it's probably one of the best ways to live your life.

Helaman 13:38

" 38 But behold, your days of probation are past; ye have procrastinated the day of your salvation until it is everlastingly too late, and your destruction is made sure; yea, for ye have sought all the days of your lives for that which ye could not obtain; and ye have sought for happiness in doing iniquity, which thing is contrary to the nature of that righteousness which is in our great and Eternal Head. "

We do not know the hour nor the day when our own personal "2nd Coming" happens.  One day (probably sooner than we think) Christ will come again . . .but it is guaranteed we will all go to our Maker soon.  It absolutely is the best way to navigate that our own life is on the brink of ending-it should motivate us to only pursue those things that are really meaningful, necessary and true.

Edited by boxer

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27 minutes ago, boxer said:

Umm, actually it's probably one of the best ways to live your life.

Helaman 13:38

" 38 But behold, your days of probation are past; ye have procrastinated the day of your salvation until it is everlastingly too late, and your destruction is made sure; yea, for ye have sought all the days of your lives for that which ye could not obtain; and ye have sought for happiness in doing iniquity, which thing is contrary to the nature of that righteousness which is in our great and Eternal Head. "

We do not know the hour nor the day when our own personal "2nd Coming" happens.  One day (probably sooner than we think) Christ will come again . . .but it is guaranteed we will all go to our Maker soon.  It absolutely is the best way to navigate that our own life is on the brink of ending-it should motivate us to only pursue those things that are really meaningful, necessary and true.

Thanks.  Good point.  i definitely see what you are saying.  i guess i am just trying to convey that one can take a "Live like you are dying" attitude too far.  

But balance is needed for sure.  Appreciate you pointing that out.

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11 hours ago, lostinwater said:

Thanks.  Good point.  i definitely see what you are saying.  i guess i am just trying to convey that one can take a "Live like you are dying" attitude too far.  

But balance is needed for sure.  Appreciate you pointing that out.

I had just been thinking about that.  If I really were dying, I'd spend money like there's no tomorrow.  Why bother saving for an old age you'll never reach?  The term used in investing is called "hedging your bets." 

Whether you're investing your money or investing your time, you always want to hedge your bets.

But in things spiritual, we always want to do things that will bring us CLOSER to the Savior and not take us further from Him.  There is no hedging in this principle.

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On 11/25/2018 at 12:42 PM, Alia said:

My husband knows that I won't follow through on it. That is the only problem. I am hoping things will naturally change when our son starts going to Nursery. 

OP  just read through this thread.  Nothings going to change until you are ready to change.  6 pages of whining.  It's time to make a decision.  Don't do it for yourself.  If you truly love your son like you claim  you do, then do it for him.  Once he is 18 and out of the house you can go and ruin your life however you want.  

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On 1/10/2019 at 7:32 PM, mdfxdb said:

OP  just read through this thread.  Nothings going to change until you are ready to change.  6 pages of whining.  It's time to make a decision.  Don't do it for yourself.  If you truly love your son like you claim  you do, then do it for him.  Once he is 18 and out of the house you can go and ruin your life however you want.  

We are actually doing a lot better. My husband has started his own property company with his brother and God willing come May I will be taking a 6 month Sabbatical from work to spend time with my son.

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3 hours ago, Alia said:

We are actually doing a lot better. My husband has started his own property company with his brother and God willing come May I will be taking a 6 month Sabbatical from work to spend time with my son.

So pleased for you! This change in circumstances is a great deal better! :clap:

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