Missionaries Returning Early


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Our Stake President recently spoke to parents regarding their children going on missions and coming home early.  It appears (at least in our stake) to be a common phenomenon.

He said that he had been praying for guidance as well as consulted with others on what we could do to better prepare these young men and women for their missions.  Where have we failed them?

Answer: Make sure they have jobs before the go.

If the fist time these kids have any real responsibility is on their mission, they will not be prepared.  If the first time they have to keep a schedule and be self motivated is on their mission, they will not be prepared.  He went onto other traits that having a job instills in you.

My reaction was,"What kids in this stake don't have jobs before they go on their mission?"  Then I began realizing that three of the wards in the stake include the wealthiest communities in the Houston area.  Our ward is not quite in that category. So teens in our ward tend to have jobs before they go on missions.

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There are more factors than that.  I've seen many who have worked full time before a mission (actually even MORE of those in my personal anecdote) either don't go on missions or have difficulty on their missions.  It may be for your area that they need jobs before they go, but that does not necessarily apply to every area. 

I think it deals MORE with maturity.  Now that the mission age is a year younger, the young men going are less mature.  People wonder if that year makes a difference...yes...I think it did when we compare the things side by side.  In addition, there are so many other distractions and things that take their focus off the gospel in the world today.

I'd say it boils down to several things...but not necessarily things that apply to each situation.

#1 - How prepared they are to serve the Lord.

Many families do not teach the gospel or focus on it much in their home.  This was one of my primary concerns with the church decreasing the time the children learn the gospel at church.  Those who do not currently teach children at home possibly will continue to not teach them or focus on it.  They do not help the children gain their own testimonies.  For those who served missions how many times did you hear about missionaries gaining a testimony in the Mission Field?  Today, that still applies, but with many they never get that testimony these days, having focused on more worldly things their entire life.  It is hard to be a Missionary without a testimony.

#2 - Maturity

This is something that I think every missionary needs.  The more mature a missionary the more serious of mind they will be about it and the more responsible they will be about their duty.  The question is HOW to install this maturity?  Some would say work, but I would not say it is simply working a job.  It is dealing with responsibility in various ways.  Having chores when at home and learning how to budget money RESPONSIBLY.  EVEN MORE important...LEARNING HOW TO PAY TITHING!

Now, many will say that I'm being someone promoting the money collection arm of the church, but most of those have left the church already (even if only in their heart).  Tithing can be a difficult thing.  It is even harder when one is learning it later in life at times.  When I child learns that the first thing they need to do is to pay their tithing it teaches a VALUABLE lesson to put the Lord first.

I mentioned about those who worked full time prior to their missions, there IS something I think that delineates between those that stay out and those that may not have such an easy time among this group.  Those that always strove to pay a full tithing FIRST and FOREMOST before spending their money on other things seem to have a more serious demeanor towards their responsibility as a missionary and their duty as a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.  Learning to put the Lord first is a very important thing, not just for the young man who is going on a mission, but for any who are trying to develop a stronger testimony of the Lord.

There are many other ways to teach young men responsibility, some of which are lacking in some wards.  Take them to clean the church regularly.  This teaches them the importance of the church.  LET THEM TAKE CHARGE of cleaning a portion of the church, even if you have to go back and help them reclean it later. 

In addition, one aspect of the Young Men's program that gets ignored in some instances (and Bishops or their counselors can go in and help try to guide Young Men's leaders to practice this more effectively) is to let the young men PLAN, ORGANIZE, and do their own Activities.  As long as the will not get hurt or killed, LET THEM FAIL if they make bad plans.  Let them BE the ones responsible.  The Young men's program is not just to teach the young men the gospel, but also to teach them leadership.  AS such, we must allow them to HAVE leadership opportunities.  This means to let them be in charge of their own activities.  If they fail, it is a learning experience for them and at times a vital way for them to learn to take situations more seriously.  They NEED these to help them to become more mature and take responsibility.

There are other ways for them to become more mature, but I think this is a vital part of being a successful missionary.

#3 - Be Honest in your interviews and dealings with the Bishop and Stake President

Those who are engaged in sin or that have health concerns or other difficulties need to be honest about this in their paperwork and with their Church leaders.  This can cause great difficulties with young men later.

 

This obviously does not cover ALL the areas, but I find a focus on these three areas can help produce more successful young men who will go on to become Missionaries devoted to their missions and not returning home early.

Just my personal anecdote from what I've seen locally.

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IIRC, 18 was never intended to be “the age” for missionary service.  It was an option for those who felt ready, but it was anticipated that many might still wait until they were 19 and that was supposed to be OK. 

Personally, I feel like there’s a lot to be said for doing at least a year of college/trade school/semi-independent living before embarking on missionary service.  

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21 minutes ago, Just_A_Guy said:

IIRC, 18 was never intended to be “the age” for missionary service.  It was an option for those who felt ready, but it was anticipated that many might still wait until they were 19 and that was supposed to be OK. 

Personally, I feel like there’s a lot to be said for doing at least a year of college/trade school/semi-independent living before embarking on missionary service.  

When I graduated highschool my family ward bishop essentially told all of the young new Elders to leave home for at least six months and then go on a mission. He was convinced that it would help us learn to get along with room mates and be better prepared to cope with home sickness. I've never experienced home sickness so I don't know about that, but I do think there is value in the idea of getting out of your birth home for a while before going on a mission. The same could probably be said for marriage. It's little wonder that missions are recommended before marriage :)

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I also have to say I was surprised at how many missionaries stayed in the mission field who clearly had no plans to ever abide mission rules. I understand the stigma attached to coming home early, but the work would sure be easier without needing to babysit less active missionaries who simply aren't committed to obedience with exactness. It's not like the rules should come as a shock to anyone. 

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Responsibility, successful experiences and a mindset of accountability (or extreme ownership as Jocko Wilink puts it). The best missionaries I served with were quarterbacks, basketball stars, Former marines, and so on. I like to think my mission experience was a fairly good one, I push all my success to God and then then to my rather long rap-sheet of leadership, auditioning and competition experience.

35 minutes ago, SpiritDragon said:

the work would sure be easier without needing to babysit less active missionaries who simply aren't committed to obedience with exactness.

I mostly agree with you, but I am not confident enough to say we would be better off without them. I imagine in some circle of saints I would be considered one of the disobedient that needs to be baby sat.

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1 minute ago, Fether said:

I mostly agree with you, but I am not confident enough to say we would be better off without them. I imagine in some circle of saints I would be considered one of the disobedient that needs to be baby sat.

No, you make a good point. I wasn't trying to suggest that the church has been doing it wrong, just that I was surprised with how much missionaries do get away with and not because it's kept secret, but because it's not a get-sent-home worthy offense. It would have nicer to be have higher levels of obedience, but it's also true that a little leeway isn't always a bad thing, I'll admit that I slept in when I was sick, I figured I'd heal faster and get back to being more effective. I had one companion who wouldn't let me sleep in when sick or rest on preparation day and I was the most ill I've been in my life and it took six weeks to kick whatever I had... once he was transferred and I could get some rest I was back up to strength in short order. I would never go as far as to say that rules are made to be broken, but sometimes a less rigid interpretation might not be so bad. It's not my place to determine when, why and who.

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So many reasons people come home early. I've heard a number of them from people I know personally. List is not in any particular order.

1. Ill-prepared for living on their own or coping with structure and demands. Life skills are lacking. 

2. Illness, mental health problems. Missions are difficult and not everyone is having positive experiences out there.

3. Difficulty or unwillingness to follow the rules. 

4. Finances. This surprised me given the missionary fund, but apparently it can happen.

5. Personal revelation to go home early. Family needs them home, etc.

6. Worthiness issues.

7. Toxic companionships. 

8. Went out spiritually unprepared, likely due to cultural or familial pressure. Lacking important theological and church history knowledge.

I have three brothers who went on missions. One came home after a few months and is still a very spiritual and religiously active person. One loved his mission and really didn't want to come home after the two full years. Another stuck it out, later left the church and kind of went off the rails. Everyone is different, so generalizations aren't super helpful. As parents or loved ones the best we can do is teach them everything we can at home to help them avoid #1, 3, 6, and 8. The rest are kind of up to the universe and the individual needs of the missionary.

Lastly, a mission is a mission whether it was two years or two months. We can choose to judge and wring our hands over what could have possibly gone wrong or just cheer for them for selflessly putting in the time they did. 

Edited by InvisibleOne
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A friend was talking to me about a podcast she had been listening to that was addressing an apparent rise is anxiety problems in teenagers.  Some of the participants in the podcast speculated that the environment we've put young people into where failure to get the 4.0 GPA can prevent admission to the ideal school, or an ill thought Facebook post can ruin a career has made many of our youth extremely risk-averse.  Then, when they approach adulthood, they don't have enough experience with taking risks and processing failure to cope with living on their own.

I'm sure that isn't the complete picture, but seems like a plausible contributor.

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All the ones who returned early from our ward were due to health reasons (mostly mental health, some physical health).  We almost got the one that is currently serving in the Philippines sent home because he sliced his forearm open with a machete.

Several of our youth who didn't serve missions were also due to mental health issues.

I don't know why mental health in the USA is deteriorating.  I say Nutrition and Diversity are the 2 leading causes but I'm no expert.

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3 hours ago, MarginOfError said:

A friend was talking to me about a podcast she had been listening to that was addressing an apparent rise is anxiety problems in teenagers.  Some of the participants in the podcast speculated that the environment we've put young people into where failure to get the 4.0 GPA can prevent admission to the ideal school, or an ill thought Facebook post can ruin a career has made many of our youth extremely risk-averse.  Then, when they approach adulthood, they don't have enough experience with taking risks and processing failure to cope with living on their own.

I'm sure that isn't the complete picture, but seems like a plausible contributor.

Helicopter parenting more than admission requirements or Facebook, I say.

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Thank you all.  I'd like to clarify two things.

1. This was the stake president giving advice to the STAKE as a whole, not the entire Church.  He has the mantle of revelation for THIS stake.  Not necessarily applicable to yours.

2. The question he asked was NOT, "What is the one root cause of all this?"   The question he asked was,"What is the SINGLE most important thing that can do the MOST to help prepare them for a mission, that we are NOT DOING NOW?"

As for #2, I know I didn't post that before because that's not exactly what he said.  But it was certainly implied given the context of what he said. 

We all know there are dozens of causes and dozens of things we can do to prevent a certain negative outcome.  But he was looking for one thing to focus on that could do the most for those in our stake.

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/Rant on

12 hours ago, Fether said:

Responsibility, successful experiences and a mindset of accountability (or extreme ownership as Jocko Wilink puts it).

In my home we do man training.  Before they turn 18 they are required to read 3 self help books.  And we discuss them

How to Win Friends and Influence People, Dale Carnegie  - Age 12-14

Man of Steel and Velvet, Aubrey P. Andelin  - Age 14-16

Extreme Ownership, Jocko Willink & Leif Babin - Age 16-18

I am frankly so 'sick and tired' of families / parents / church leaders passing the buck of Man training.  It is not the responsibility of a job to train our boys to be men.  It is not the responsibility of the church to train our boys to be men.  It is not the responsibility of Scouts to train our boys to be men.  It is the responsibility of the family and PRIMARILY the FATHER.  

When Adam and Eve were brought up in the Garden of Eden, their parents trained and prepared them for the known eventuality of the lone and dreary world.  God did not directly teach Adam and Eve the gospel within the garden, we know this from Moses 5:6.  But they did teach Adam and Eve how to live and survive in the world.  This is excellent material to understand.

This weekend we watched It's a wonderful life.  And during the part where the disheveled and drunken pharmacist beats George Bailey, I noticed that my 15 year old son was crying.  We had a discussion as to why George Bailey was a great man and learned from an early age to sacrifice and endure hard things, over and over.

I have 3 daughters too.  And I hope and pray that other families out there are doing man-training as well!

/Rant off

 

 

Edited by mikbone
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2 hours ago, mikbone said:

/Rant on

In my home we do man training.  Before they turn 18 they are required to read 3 self help books.  And we discuss them

How to Win Friends and Influence People, Dale Carnegie  - Age 12-14

Man of Steel and Velvet, Aubrey P. Andelin  - Age 14-16

Extreme Ownership, Jocko Willink & Leif Babin - Age 16-18

I am frankly so 'sick and tired' of families / parents / church leaders passing the buck of Man training.  It is not the responsibility of a job to train our boys to be men.  It is not the responsibility of the church to train our boys to be men.  It is not the responsibility of Scouts to train our boys to be men.  It is the responsibility of the family and PRIMARILY the FATHER.  

Not to rag on you or anything...

But hopefully you're doing more than just reading Self-Help Books.  Women learn by observation (that's why even the youngest of them are awesome at self-help books and magazines, women are generally risk-averse).  Men learn by experience (self-help books are ok but its optional as they generally learn through risk-taking).   That's how "Men don't read instructions" became a stereotype.

Man training is giving your boys Manly responsibilities with Manly consequences... giving them opportunities to risk "burning the house down" and "rebuilding the house" if it does.  Of course, you can't just give them opportunities without giving them the necessary toolset to solve problems as they come up.  For example, you don't just tell Little Johnny... "go ride your bike to the store and get me some milk" without teaching him to be confident to defend himself and know what to do when trouble crops up.  Etc. etc.

 

Edited by anatess2
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38 minutes ago, anatess2 said:

Not to rag on you or anything...

But hopefully you're doing more than just reading Self-Help Books. 

 Etc. etc.

 

Yes we do.

At my house first we learn why we do what we do.  Then we do the practical exercises to realize that the teachings are correct.

Sometimes we struggle with both the teaching and the practical exercise of the lessons.  But it is my job to make sure that we are on track.

I’m not saying that you or anyone on this site are slacking on their duties.

But I have wittnessed the de-masculinization of our society and it worries me.  Inside and outside of the church.

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7 minutes ago, mikbone said:

But I have wittnessed the de-masculinization of our society and it worries me.  Inside and outside of the church.

Christina Hoff-Sommers has written some beautiful pieces on the war against boys. You might be interested in them! 

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42 minutes ago, mikbone said:

Yes we do.

At my house first we learn why we do what we do.  Then we do the practical exercises to realize that the teachings are correct. 

I'm so sorry...  I really don't mean to belittle what you're doing with your children.   You need to be commended for everything you're doing as the Father of your children and I'm sure you're doing super absolutely awesome.  Please don't take this as a criticism of your parenting.

But, I laughed when I read this.  How old are your kids?  It's just that... it's sooo... not my kids.  Hah hah.  This is how my kids learn things with their father.  "Hey kids!  Look!  It's a racer snake!"... "Does it bite?"... "I don't know, let's find out."  And they pick up the snake.

Yep.  My dad does the same, my brothers do the same, my uncles and cousins do the same, my husbands father does the same, all his brothers do the same... So my boys have been running around the neighborhood (a subdivision over 2 miles in diameter) unsupervised since they were old enough to be trusted with their bikes.  They learn to do boy things out there.  Learned to fish in the pond, learned to fix their bikes, learned to climb trees, tie rope, make flame throwers with boric acid.  Hah hah.

My husband takes them hunting because his dad took him hunting when he was their age.  My 1st son doesn't like guns, my 2nd son does... so my 1st son learned to hunt with a spear and a pack of dogs from this old curmudgeon who owned the dogs.  My other son learned to shoot a charging boar with his .33 Rifle from up a tree from his father sitting next to him.  They go to Martial Arts School and Music School because it's my family tradition.  They're gungho in Scouts because that's my husband's family tradition.

I don't think my husband knows how to "first learn why we do what we do".  One time, he wanted to install the sprinkler system and this big giant root was in the way, so he decided to chop the root with an ax, and hit it right through to the water main line that was before our water main valve.   We had to get the city to shut off the water to the entire block so they can fix the pipe.   "So, that's why we don't use an ax to dig a trench".  Hah hah.  I love my Men.  They're awesome.  

 

 

Edited by anatess2
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52 minutes ago, anatess2 said:

I'm so sorry...  I really don't mean to belittle what you're doing with your children.   You need to be commended for everything you're doing as the Father of your children and I'm sure you're doing super absolutely awesome.  Please don't take this as a criticism of your parenting.

But, I laughed when I read this.  How old are your kids?  It's just that... it's sooo... not my kids.  Hah hah.  This is how my kids learn things with their father.  "Hey kids!  Look!  It's a racer snake!"... "Does it bite?"... "I don't know, let's find out."  And they pick up the snake.

Yep.  My dad does the same, my brothers do the same, my uncles and cousins do the same, my husbands father does the same, all his brothers do the same... So my boys have been running around the neighborhood (a subdivision over 2 miles in diameter) unsupervised since they were old enough to be trusted with their bikes.  They learn to do boy things out there.  Learned to fish in the pond, learned to fix their bikes, learned to climb trees, tie rope, make flame throwers with boric acid.  Hah hah.

My husband takes them hunting because his dad took him hunting when he was their age.  My 1st son doesn't like guns, my 2nd son does... so my 1st son learned to hunt with a spear and a pack of dogs from this old curmudgeon who owned the dogs.  My other son learned to shoot a charging boar with his .33 Rifle from up a tree from his father sitting next to him.  They go to Martial Arts School and Music School because it's my family tradition.  They're gungho in Scouts because that's my husband's family tradition.

I don't think my husband knows how to "first learn why we do what we do".  One time, he wanted to install the sprinkler system and this big giant root was in the way, so he decided to chop the root with an ax, and hit it right through to the water main line that was before our water main valve.   We had to get the city to shut off the water to the entire block so they can fix the pipe.   "So, that's why we don't use an ax to dig a trench".  Hah hah.  I love my Men.  They're awesome.  

Eleven children ages 4 - 25.  I have been lucky and have had a good education.  Mission, medical residency, ...

Oh I do all kinds of stuff that drives my wife nuts.  I pole-vaulted in high school and college and we do some cliff jumping for fun. 

And I tell my kids that if they break any bones I can fix them.

You have to experience life.  But instruction and boundaries are important

401BA79D-9736-4CEA-A33F-BB1883AF5EFF.thumb.jpeg.6808e7ae878b157925a55ee7a947d182.jpeg

Edited by mikbone
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3 minutes ago, mikbone said:

Eleven children ages 4 - 25.  I have been lucky and have had a good education.  Mission, medical residency, ...

Oh I do all kinds of stuff that drives my wife nuts.  I pole-vaulted in high school and college and we do some cliff jumping for fun. 

And I tell my kids that if they break any bones I can fix them.

You have to experience life.  But instruction and boundaries are important

401BA79D-9736-4CEA-A33F-BB1883AF5EFF.thumb.jpeg.6808e7ae878b157925a55ee7a947d182.jpeg

11 kids, 4-25!  I'm not worthy.

I wish my husband thinks pole vaulting in high school and cliff diving is risky... although he won't do both because he's scared of heights.  This is his idea of teaching boys... he took the Deacons to learn kayaking.  So, he's teaching them how to turn upright if the kayak turns over.  So he got the boys on the kayak one by one and turned them over.  Several parents got him in trouble for it.  I thought it was brilliant.  That's, of course, how my boys learned to upright a kayak and now they'll flip it upside down just because they want to.

So then I take my boys to the Philippines.  Took them to this nice swimming hole with a waterfall.  All of a sudden I hear my mother screaming... COME DOWN HERE, RIGHT NOW!  As my boy (who was 11 years old at the time) climbed the rock face with his cousins.  His cousins climbed down while my son jumps off the waterfall.  So, I talked to my son asking why he didn't think about the water pressure at the bottom of the waterfall sucking him under and drowning him.  He responded, he thought of it, and it's no big deal.  Same kid went to camp, so I text him, "How did your morning go?" and he replied, "We had breakfast." and then oh so casually, "I almost stepped on a coral snake.".

 

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