Beware of the Bluehairs

[Moroni5826]

Despite the title, I have nothing but respect for the wonderful older sisters of my ward. However, our bishopric (of which I am a member) are greeted every Sunday morning by a "representative" or two from the band of single senior sisters. These women are all advanced in age, widowed or divorced, and remain very critical of everything and everyone in the ward. Seriously had one complain the other day about the fact we had scalloped potatoes at the ward dinner when she wanted au gratin.I had to google the difference in our  bishopric meeting because none of us knew.

Just little nit-picky "problems" every Sunday, holding up our ward council meeting and holding our bishop up so that we can't even start on time. We do take every suggestion and complaint seriously, but when the same few sisters come in every week to lodge their complaints. It's been very detrimental to my spirit prior to our meeting. I come in uplifted and ready to serve, then feel lousy by the time we start.

Our bishop is amazing and always very positive. He is so understanding and never gets down.

Maybe the problem is with me. I just don't like coming into the building and being hit with negativity and complaints before I can even walk in the office. In general this group of sisters are all very unhappy and complain about everything. We've assigned them talks on finding joy and unity, we've given them assignments to get them to interact more with the younger members. We have a SA FHE for them. We have visited them at home and ministered any way we can.

What ideas do you have to help these sisters find joy and comfort within the church? We want very much for them to feel at home, to feel loved and feel a part of what is going on. I think a big part of it is loneliness, depression in some cases and perhaps anger. (The divorced sisters constantly dog their ex-husbands, even though divorce may have been decades ago and no one remembers their ex's), and feeling left out when they see the young-mothers group, student groups or other cliques in the ward.

We are a fairly young bishopric and lack experience, but these problems precede our administration. We hope to make a change for the better.

I welcome comments from seasoned bishops, senior sisters or any others that may have ideas.

Thanks

[Just_A_Guy]

Call ‘em as a Relief Society Presidency, maybe?

[anatess2]

These women have gained enough life experience to be able to take a direct approach.  "Hello wonderful ladies, I would like for you to try positivity today."  See if they complain about that.

[NeuroTypical]

42 minutes ago, Moroni5826 said:

We do take every suggestion and complaint seriously, but when the same few sisters come in every week to lodge their complaints. It's been very detrimental to my spirit prior to our meeting. I come in uplifted and ready to serve, then feel lousy by the time we start.

There are ways to deal with chronically difficult people.  There are even some ways to deal with them in Christlike loving ways - I think these involve an enhanced perspective about who they are and what's going on.

Here's the best resource I can give you:

https://www.deseretnews.com/article/700084033/In-the-Village-Its-a-matter-of-how-no-where-we-serve.html

 

If that doesn't help, you can always lunge aggressively towards them and yell "BACK OFF!".  Maybe position yourself and them so they collapse into a couch, less risk of breaking a hip or something.  But yeah, try the advice in that link first.

[Guest MormonGator]

Remind them that with age comes wisdom, but it doesn't mean you don't have to act Christ like, or just polite. Talking about your ex-spouse is tacky and somewhat trashy, no matter what age you are. If they don't like certain potatoes, they should have made the ones they wanted themselves. Age shouldn't be an excuse. I know many, many wonderful older people who don't act like that. It's very frustrating because you don't want to call out an older person for bad behavior-it just  doesn't feel right. 

Sadly, there will be difficult people from age 8-88 that we have to deal with. It's tough. It's very, very tough. 

One of the hidden benefits of dealing with unpleasant people is that you find what type of person you don't want to turn into, or who you don't want around you. That's hugely beneficial in the long term for you. 

 

Edited December 17, 2018 by MormonGator

[Just_A_Guy]

18 minutes ago, NeuroTypical said:

There are ways to deal with chronically difficult people.  There are even some ways to deal with them in Christlike loving ways - I think these involve an enhanced perspective about who they are and what's going on.

Here's the best resource I can give you:

https://www.deseretnews.com/article/700084033/In-the-Village-Its-a-matter-of-how-no-where-we-serve.html

 

If that doesn't help, you can always lunge aggressively towards them and yell "BACK OFF!".  Maybe position yourself and them so they collapse into a couch, less risk of breaking a hip or something.  But yeah, try the advice in that link first.

https://goo.gl/images/J6o8cw 

[Fether]

26 minutes ago, MormonGator said:

there will be difficult people from age 8-88 that we have to deal with. It's tough. It's very, very tough. 

Everyone loves 89 year olds

[mikbone]

condolences dude.  

I do not want your job.  

Mabey give these guys a calling to run interference...

[let’s roll]

Channel.  Invite one of them to come in for the last 5 minutes of each Ward Council meeting to provide a spiritual thought on a scripture you’ve assigned along with a suggestion on how the Council/Ward might better live the principle set out in the scripture. 

Then when approached in the hallway with an ad hoc suggestion, you can kindly suggest they consider whether they want to share that the next time they give a thought in WC.  

Then prepare to marvel at their ability to weave au gratin potatoes into whatever scripture you assign them. 😇

[JohnsonJones]

I really do not know.

I have a similar experience and have had older ladies commenting on very specific items.  As long as it is only really discussed with me or other church leaders I just be friendly and shake my head.  I lend a listening ear. 

I feel at times it may be part of the gossip vine and the gossip network.  It is part of the way they get to socialize.  I have no doubt that they have some very sharp criticism they talk about me behind my back as well. 

However, I have no idea what to do about it.  We tell the teachers one of their responsibilities is to stop backbiting...of course, they then can toss it right back at me saying that they are not the ones in charge of the Aaronic priesthood keys in the ward.

I just live with it for the most part and if it ever gets harmful or hateful, I bring it up to the responsible parties.  Otherwise, it's older ladies (and an occasional younger wife or even a single brother) who are lonely and talking through their various networks which allows them to socialize with others.  I don't want to destroy what may be their strongest social connections in their old age.  Most of it is harmless, so I let it be. 

I know one ward dinner we had I got the complaint that I didn't have enough vegetables and fiber around.  We had salad there, but apparently it was not what they were looking for.  At the next dinner I told them what we were looking at and if they had suggestions to please let us know.  They definitely had suggestions and it seemed were much happier with the next ward dinner.  In addition, they also volunteered to be much more involved with the food and I admit that the desserts we had and some of the other items were the best we've ever had for that ward dinner (and the ward dinners afterwards).

[estradling75]

Honestly...At their age they are probable set in their ways.  Either you need to make your calls to repentance less subtle and use more blunt/sharpness (with all the expected fall out of that)... Or simply accept them the way they are... and realize your desires to serve the members of your ward includes them as well.  Yes it is a sacrifice and yes it is hard but that is when it matters even more.

 

 

[Manners Matter]

For every complaint, start asking them for 5 positives and/or solutions and what they'll do to help make it happen. You could also consider some responses that acknowledge their 'concern' but then switch the perspective. Furthermore, their complaining could very well be why they're not feeling/being included. No one prefers to spend precious down time with sourpusses so enabling their behavior isn't doing them any favors.

Oh - and start assigning them service projects to help those in worse situations then they think they themselves are in.

Edited December 18, 2018 by Manners Matter

[Guest]

14 hours ago, Moroni5826 said:

Just little nit-picky "problems" every Sunday, holding up our ward council meeting and holding our bishop up so that we can't even start on time. W

7 hours ago, Manners Matter said:

For every complaint, start asking them for 5 positives and/or solutions and what they'll do to help make it happen.

Moroni,

Manners Matter is on the right track.  Whenever someone lodges a complaint (whether they are old or young) ask them what should be done about it. 

"We had scalloped potatoes instead of au gratin potatoes."

"Ok, so how do we fix that?"

"Well, we just make au gratin potatoes, duh."

"Ok, the next ward dinner we have, I'll be sure to call you to prepare the food.  Thank you for volunteering."

"But I'm too busy to cook that large of a meal.  I'm not as young as I used to be."

"Others were busy too.  That's why they made scalloped instead of au gratin."

Edited December 18, 2018 by Guest

[Moroni5826]

14 hours ago, Just_A_Guy said:

Call ‘em as a Relief Society Presidency, maybe?

My wife would love that, she's the RS pres in our ward, lol.

[pam]

I'm very surprised that no one said, "Ask Pam."     

[MarginOfError]

24 minutes ago, pam said:

I'm very surprised that no one said, "Ask Pam."     

I assumed we were talking about you, what with the blue eyebrows and all.

[pam]

5 minutes ago, MarginOfError said:

I assumed we were talking about you, what with the blue eyebrows and all.

Go back to your corner Moe.     

[MarginOfError]

3 minutes ago, pam said:

Go back to your corner Moe.     

Always complaining.