What does it mean to be a man?


LePeel
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Or an adult for that matter? I ask because the older I get (24) the more I realize that although my parents taught me the most important thing, the gospel, my upbringing lacked any disciplinary action, work (cooking, chores,) and I was allowed to waste years and years not working either in school or a job. And my father may have been emotionally abused by his parents, so he wasnt very assertive or a leader in the house, so I don't have the strongest of male figured as a father. And I feel as though I'm missing something important, because it takes a lot of emotional effort to do any work at home. I don't cook, clean, do laundry, and if I do do laundry, I don't fold it and just leave it in the hamper. It's a kind of he'll all it's own. 

So what does it mean to be a man, and an adult for that matter?

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It means taking care of yourself rather than waiting for your mother (real or surrogate) to take care of you. But it also means being willing to enter into dependent relationships, where you DO have to count on others. It's a process: First independence, then interdependence.

There are hundreds of aspects to adulthood (and manhood). Libraries are full of books examining this question. History is a tale of adult men and women trying to figure out what it means to be an adult and a man or woman. We welcome you in joining us on our common journey. :)

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1 hour ago, Connie said:

This poem by Rudyard Kipling comes to mind. But I think Jesus Christ is the ultimate man. Study His life and become as much like Him as you can.

Dang it!!!  You beat me to it.

I make it a point to read this poem to my sons at least once a month.

1 hour ago, LePeel said:

Or an adult for that matter? I ask because the older I get (24) the more I realize that although my parents taught me the most important thing, the gospel, my upbringing lacked any disciplinary action, work (cooking, chores,) and I was allowed to waste years and years not working either in school or a job. And my father may have been emotionally abused by his parents, so he wasnt very assertive or a leader in the house, so I don't have the strongest of male figured as a father. And I feel as though I'm missing something important, because it takes a lot of emotional effort to do any work at home. I don't cook, clean, do laundry, and if I do do laundry, I don't fold it and just leave it in the hamper. It's a kind of he'll all it's own. 

So what does it mean to be a man, and an adult for that matter?

Look to the prophets and the stories they tell.  I don't know if that sounds too cliche'd to you.  But it really is true. 

Do you want to be a man of the world?  Then watch Hollywood and politics.

Do you want to be a man of God who lives in this world but is not of the world?  Then watch the prophets.  Hear their stories.  Read the Book of Mormon.

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Vort mentioned books on the subject and that reminded me of a book we read with our kids several years ago called Boyhood and Beyond: Practical Wisdom for Becoming a Man by Bob Schultz. It's geared toward kids and teens, so not hard reading, but it's really quite good if you're looking for more practical advice. The author is not a Latter-day Saint but is a Christian and writes in that context.

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Man of Steel and Velvet: A Guide to Masculine Development, by Aubrey Andelin

189DC816-6F77-4177-BD7B-6318A0D00E45.thumb.jpeg.51373cb04238a0a034b74a821342d4b5.jpeg

Testimonial - I read this book at age 14.  My mother persuaded me...  Anyway, I took the advice and it worked.  When I dated, the girls would relate that I was different than all the other boys in my high school.  The book studies the characteristics that make a great man.  It uses examples of men in history and is LDS influenced with many references to the paragon of manhood, Jesus Christ. 

 

You can get it on Amazon.com for $7.25

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7 hours ago, LePeel said:

Or an adult for that matter? I ask because the older I get (24) the more I realize that although my parents taught me the most important thing, the gospel, my upbringing lacked any disciplinary action, work (cooking, chores,) and I was allowed to waste years and years not working either in school or a job. And my father may have been emotionally abused by his parents, so he wasnt very assertive or a leader in the house, so I don't have the strongest of male figured as a father. And I feel as though I'm missing something important, because it takes a lot of emotional effort to do any work at home. I don't cook, clean, do laundry, and if I do do laundry, I don't fold it and just leave it in the hamper. It's a kind of he'll all it's own. 

So what does it mean to be a man, and an adult for that matter?

Ok. Since you haven't "liked" any of the suggestions so far, I'm guessing you're looking for something more specific and earthy.

1. Learn the difference between "reacting" and "responding."  That is, whenever there is a particular stimulus, you need to be able to efficiently make a decision in how to respond in a way that is well thought out.  Experience helps with this.  Having been in many situations, you may have developed a feeling for when your impromptu reactions were not so good.  So, consider them and decide on a response NOW that would be better should the circumstance come up again.  With more and more experiences, more and more of these things can be decided upon.  So, in the future, you can respond (well thought out ) rather than react (knee jerk reaction on the spur of the moment by instinct alone).

2. Moderate your emotions.  This does NOT mean that you need to be an emotionless Vulcan.  In fact, the most poignant thing I ever heard about moderating emotions was from Spock.  He actually told a younger version of himself: "You have believed that Vulcans have no emotions.  But that is incorrect.  We have them.  We simply choose to express them in a different manner.

When you're happy, you can choose to celebrate like a soccer player and hoop and holler and tear your shirt off.  Or, you can smile and even hug to family and friends.  You can praise the Lord and thank him for the good in your life.  There are a lot of choices.  Choose to do what you see "men in your life" do.

When someone makes you angry, don't immediately jump to "Ok, if I take my gun..."  Do, something else with your emotions.  Don't just stuff them down a hole. Sublimate into something useful.

3. Responsibility.  This means several things.

  • Do what you say you're going to do unless it would offend the Lord.  I had to tell a young friend of mine this when he kept making excuses for his lot in life and ditching out on appointments and promises.  It's so much more than simply being honest.  Your lot in life is highly dependent upon your ability/willingness to make and keep promises to others (as well as yourself).
  • When you fail at something (and we all do) admit it quickly AND decide on a course correction QUICKLY.  This does not mean it has to be rushed.  But you need to spend time learning how to fix things you've broken.
  • Good work ethic.  If you don't know what that is, learn it from someone who you trust.

4. Discernment/Judgment.  I know all your life you were taught to stop judging.  But that is truly impossible.  You have to judge in order to make your way in the world.  We judge people, circumstances, facts and figures we hear, where we should live, if we should go to one school or another, take one job or another, events around the world, books, movies, laws, works of art... you get the picture. 

I cannot explain it any more eloquently than Elder Dallin H. Oaks.  So, go to this link.  Learn how to judge based on righteous principles.

This also means that you won't necessarily be gullible.  You don't necessarily believe every shock email your receive or every headline in the media.  You won't be tempted by every wind of doctrine.

Part and parcel with judging based on righteous principles is to not be a hypocrite.  Whenever I find it difficult to forgive someone of some offense great or small, I'm always reminded of 

Quote

I, the Lord, will forgive whom I will forgive, but of you it is required to forgive all men.

My knee jerk reaction is to say it's too difficult.  But I try to think of when I might have done anything similar, myself.  And about 95% of the time, I can.  I absolutely hate being a hypocrite.  So, I end up having to forgive the person in question.

5. Endurance.  This is not just physical endurance.  But it covers the ability to persevere in the face of extreme difficulty.

Quote

Never give in. Never give in. Never, never, never, never--in nothing, great or small, large or petty--never give in, except to convictions of honour and good sense. Never yield to force. Never yield to the apparently overwhelming might of the enemy.

 -- Winston Churchill; Harrow School Oct 29, 1941

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16 minutes ago, Carborendum said:

Ok. Since you haven't "liked" any of the suggestions so far, I'm guessing you're looking for something more specific and earthy.

I haven't had a chance to really look through these and think about them, I posted this at work, I'm still at work I fact.

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1 hour ago, Carborendum said:

Ok. Since you haven't "liked" any of the suggestions so far, I'm guessing you're looking for something more specific and earthy.

1. Learn the difference between "reacting" and "responding."  That is, whenever there is a particular stimulus, you need to be able to efficiently make a decision in how to respond in a way that is well thought out.  Experience helps with this.  Having been in many situations, you may have developed a feeling for when your impromptu reactions were not so good.  So, consider them and decide on a response NOW that would be better should the circumstance come up again.  With more and more experiences, more and more of these things can be decided upon.  So, in the future, you can respond (well thought out ) rather than react (knee jerk reaction on the spur of the moment by instinct alone).

2. Moderate your emotions.  This does NOT mean that you need to be an emotionless Vulcan.  In fact, the most poignant thing I ever heard about moderating emotions was from Spock.  He actually told a younger version of himself: "You have believed that Vulcans have no emotions.  But that is incorrect.  We have them.  We simply choose to express them in a different manner.

When you're happy, you can choose to celebrate like a soccer player and hoop and holler and tear your shirt off.  Or, you can smile and even hug to family and friends.  You can praise the Lord and thank him for the good in your life.  There are a lot of choices.  Choose to do what you see "men in your life" do.

When someone makes you angry, don't immediately jump to "Ok, if I take my gun..."  Do, something else with your emotions.  Don't just stuff them down a hole. Sublimate into something useful.

3. Responsibility.  This means several things.

  • Do what you say you're going to do unless it would offend the Lord.  I had to tell a young friend of mine this when he kept making excuses for his lot in life and ditching out on appointments and promises.  It's so much more than simply being honest.  Your lot in life is highly dependent upon your ability/willingness to make and keep promises to others (as well as yourself).
  • When you fail at something (and we all do) admit it quickly AND decide on a course correction QUICKLY.  This does not mean it has to be rushed.  But you need to spend time learning how to fix things you've broken.
  • Good work ethic.  If you don't know what that is, learn it from someone who you trust.

4. Discernment/Judgment.  I know all your life you were taught to stop judging.  But that is truly impossible.  You have to judge in order to make your way in the world.  We judge people, circumstances, facts and figures we hear, where we should live, if we should go to one school or another, take one job or another, events around the world, books, movies, laws, works of art... you get the picture. 

I cannot explain it any more eloquently than Elder Dallin H. Oaks.  So, go to this link.  Learn how to judge based on righteous principles.

This also means that you won't necessarily be gullible.  You don't necessarily believe every shock email your receive or every headline in the media.  You won't be tempted by every wind of doctrine.

Part and parcel with judging based on righteous principles is to not be a hypocrite.  Whenever I find it difficult to forgive someone of some offense great or small, I'm always reminded of 

My knee jerk reaction is to say it's too difficult.  But I try to think of when I might have done anything similar, myself.  And about 95% of the time, I can.  I absolutely hate being a hypocrite.  So, I end up having to forgive the person in question.

5. Endurance.  This is not just physical endurance.  But it covers the ability to persevere in the face of extreme difficulty.

I really relate to your post, especially the first two points. It’s very helpful to have them enumerated and conceptualized, thanks

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 I don't cook, clean, do laundry, and if I do do laundry, I don't fold it and just leave it in the hamper.

I mean no offense by this, but if you are 24 years old, it's time to stop blaming your parents for this or anything else.

In fact (in my opinion at least) able bodied persons shouldn't be living with their parents.   It's time to move out and start supporting yourself.   This is regardless of your upbringing or what your parents may or may not have taught you.  

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