Issue with a Mentally Ill Sibling


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I am not sure where exactly to put this question/rant- it technically is a relationship and I need some advice, so...

I have a brother who is mentally ill. Not violent or obvious about it to anyone beyond his close circle, but I wholeheartedly believe that he has Borderline Personality Disorder. I know this because a parent also has BPD. I don't want to go into too many details of his life because it's not my place but he is incredibly self-destructive, narcissistic and sometimes just plain mean to the people closest to him. He has somehow destroyed every relationship he's ever had and he's constantly changing his jobs, girlfriends, etc. As far as I know he isn't into drugs and he decided a few years ago that religion wasn't for him. Honestly, my family (especially the siblings) don't care what his standing in any church is because it doesn't matter to us. He's one of many family and friends to do their own thing or go inactive but he seems to think he's the only one and purposely does things to try and upset us. When he discovers we're not upset by his life choices and we're incredibly accepting of pretty much anything aside from actual abuse, he gets mad at us. We're invalidating him I guess by being supportive *shrug*. If we DO dare say something, try to create boundaries, or express any kind of concern then that's the end and he will verbally attack and berate us and the relationship will never quite be the same (been there).

So the new fad it seems is basically eliminating toxic people from your life. I get the reasoning for that and I've done it before. But somehow he's gotten it in his head that WE are the toxic ones (every single functioning adult in his family but him) and that we are the cause of all his problems. This was probably the idea of the newest girlfriend but he has disowned us all. I am completely heartbroken. As frustrating as it is dealing with him sometimes, I love him dearly and he's my brother. He's gotten angry with us before and distanced himself for periods of time but he's never completely cut us all out of his life before. 

I felt a huge amount of grief during Christmas from this loss. He and I weren't talking much to begin with because it's become difficult to communicate since we have grown apart, but we do see each other somewhat regularly. He won't respond to texts to even explain himself. All I know is he thinks we're toxic and ruined his life. Not me specifically, someone else. But I have been caught in the wake I guess. I'm worried about him, not for his safety per se, just worried that he is getting bad psychological advice from a therapist who is unaware that most of what he says is heavily skewed or even completely false (though I think he believes it's true). I'm worried that he'll ruin his next relationship and be homeless and unable to get proper health care. I'm worried that he'll permanently convince himself that we are toxic and disappear forever and hate the only people who will never leave him no matter how poorly he treats us sometimes. He's really funny and I miss him. 

Has anyone experienced anything like this? Being disowned by a family member?

 

Edited by InvisibleOne
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Yep, been there.  It's absolutely miserable.  

For me, reading the story of the Prodigal Son was huge.  There are three different roles in that story, and at points I've identified with each of them.  In this case, it's the father I identified with: being terrified that your foolish loved one is going to go off, do lots of horrible things, and end up in a horrible spot.  And that HURTS.  But... the prodigal's journey is his journey.  The urge is "I need to save him, I need to be there, I need...", but sometimes what we really need to do is simply trust Christ.  Christ watches over every prodigal.

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11 hours ago, InvisibleOne said:


Has anyone experienced anything like this? Being disowned by a family member?

 

Yep.  I got disowned by my entire family.  There's only one solution - you can't control what your brother does.  You can only control what you do.  Therefore, you can also only realize expectations from what you do since it is the thing that you have control over.  The first thing to do, in my opinion, is to rid yourself of any expectations from your brother.  Rather, simply continue to find ways to reach out to him to tell him you love him and that you miss him because he is funny if that is what you desire.  Don't expect him to respond.  You need to place your satisfaction in your ability to tell him you love him rather than his ability to acknowledge the sentiment.  Make sense?

And let me just take this opportunity to express my distaste for this Social-Media-inspired "Get rid of toxic people" mantra.  If you only include desirable people in your world, then your influence will only reach already desirable people and you will have zero influence on those people that needs help becoming desirable.  In my opinion, "getting rid of toxic people" is simply "My cup is full and I don't have the capacity to help others".  I find that the more we think our cup is too full, the more we need to cultivate the energy to serve those who most need the service.  And in the service of "toxic people", we can't control what they do, but we do have full control of how we react to them.  But hey, that's just me.

Edited by anatess2
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11 hours ago, InvisibleOne said:

Has anyone experienced anything like this? Being disowned by a family member?

Yes, and I think mental illness enters into the equation to some degree. In my experience, the best road is to always live by your principles. You can walk away if you need to, but if you love your brother, you try to find a way to stick it out and keep the relationship without letting it affect those close to you. You have to develop a thick skin and the humility to accept criticism (or ignore it if it's false) while still maintaining a level of caring for your brother.

I think it's harder when the relationship you're trying to preserve is with a person who actually does have a good point in many of his reasons, but somehow has a blind spot for his own contributions to the situation and/or has unrealistic expectations for how things should have been. One of the most profound definitions of forgiveness I have ever heard is that it means giving up all hope of a better past. Think on that for a while. I think if more people really understood and accepted that, present company included, we would be a much happier and more mentally healthy group.

I think that much mental illness, like much physical illness, is brought on by one's own actions. When the smoker gets lung cancer, we (hopefully) don't berate him or tell him he deserves it or otherwise try to rub his nose in his misery. On the contrary, we try to find ways to help out and maybe mitigate the consequences of his actions. But only foolish or dishonest people will refuse to acknowledge that his situation was brought on, or at least made worse, by his own actions. I see no reason to treat mental illness any differently.

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@InvisibleOne

Since others have already covered one side of it, let me suggest that you may want to look at the other side of it.

Have you considered that MAYBE the people he has a problem with really are toxic?

Most of the time personality disorders do not flow out of a vacuum.  And the family is often the primary source for such things.

I'm not saying it is so.  But since this internet post is anonymous and random, I think it is fair to ask if you have looked at the other side.

And if they truly are toxic, perhaps some time away from them is the best way to heal.

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I have two children with serious mental illnesses.  If they don't recognize that they are ill and are not at the point of being a danger to themselves or to others there isn't much you can do other than try and keep a good relationship with them so when they are ready to listen, there aren't hard feelings between the two of you to get in the way. 

We had to in effect kick out oldest son out of the house for the good of our other children.  He spend a couple years couch surfing and even being homeless for a while.  Eventually  he hit bottom, knew he had to change something and cleaned up his life, accepted treatment, and came back home.  He is doing so much better now and is somewhat active in the church as well but it took over 10 years to get to this point from when he first started having issues.

Our oldest daughter was more willing to seek treatment but even so she had a number of hard years and mental health crises.  She has come back in a big way though.  She just got her second college degree, is endowed, and is now engaged. 

Your relationship is somebody is more important than their behavior.  That doesn't mean you give approval or support to actions that don't deserve it, but it does mean you don't destroy the relationship over it.  A good relationship is key to helping them change when they are ready.

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The problem with certain types of mental illness is that as much as we may want to be that better person who maintains ties just in case the afflicted family member gets help, sometimes it can be damaging.  My ex wife is a classic (and severe) example of Narcissistic Personality Disorder.  I sustained emotional damage from being with her but in time I was able to recognize it and cope.  I don't really have any reason to keep ties with her anyway so for me it's a moot  point either way.

My oldest daughter, on the other hand, is another story.  She's been diagnosed with issues that are a direct result of the emotional damage inflicted on her by her mother.  I wasn't able to get custody of her when her mother and I split so she had been exposed to the full blast of her mother's issues for 12 years before she was old enough to move away.  She's slowly moving toward zero contact as her mother continues to inflict more damage from a relative distance.

The most insidious part of NPD is that someone suffering from it is, by the definition of the disease, incapable of accepting that they have a problem and taking action to address it.  

So this is the sort of case where I believe that, unfortunate as it is, cutting such a person out of one's life is often the only option.  It stinks and it's unfortunate but taking the kind of abuse one gets from an NPD sufferer is psychologically traumatic and there's nothing to be gained by going back over and over for more.

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This is a sensitive topic for me. I have both a severely mentally ill spouse and mother. The rest of the family, my adult children as well, have alienated both my spouse and mother. I am alienated as well as I am fiercely loyal to both. I understand it! Having PTSD (The military doesn't fix what it breaks), I get it. It's a lonely road too. As such, I recognize both my mother and wife are worthy of being love, and they are worthy of compassion and understanding. How I cope with dealing with them at their worst moments is I love and respect them upfront, I make the first move. I also REFUSE to engage, I do not argue back, and I just shrug my shoulders and say "Ok". I will withdraw from that conversation and wait for calmer moments, I believe in my heart that family is forever. While I won't enable destructive behavior, kindness is free. I won't hand you an implement in which to hurt yourself with, but I'll love you fiercely. I'll crawl on my hands and knees through 5 miles of broken glass if I have to in order to get to you if you need me. 

I don't buy into the mantra on social media about voiding people that are toxic. I don't know any perfect people. I do know this, I know how lonely I feel when I am alienated because it's inconvenient to love me, or awkward to love me, I know what it's like to think "No one understand me, no one thinks or feels like I do, no one cares". I'm sure not going to bring someone to tears for that. 

Love your family, we have merely precious seconds to do so, sometimes, not even that. In the end, "All I have is you, all you have is me". It should be known that last year, I lost my younger brother to a drug overdose. Oh dear God, the things I wish I would I would have said to him, how I wish I could have saved a life. I'm done talking about this, it's raining in my eyes and I don't like it. 

Love one another, never quit, never give up. 

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