Thoughts on attending close family event with former spouse

[000Zero000]

My older brother passed away on the 24th of December.    His funeral is this Saturday and I wouldn't normally have my kids with me when the funeral is scheduled but my ex said it would be ok if they spent the day with me so they could attend.  The next day my ex sent a text message saying that she would like to go to the funeral as well and that she could just take the kids.  As part of the text she said "as long as it wouldn't make anybody feel uncomfortable". 

The problem is that is makes me uncomfortable.  I would really like to spend this time with my family and kids without her there.   She didn't really know my brother and she said a lot of things about my family when we were getting divorced that weren't exactly complimentary.   She is no longer a member of the church and when she was making her grand exit she actually contacted my brother's wife for some kind of weird solidarity type interaction.  It was really upsetting for not only my brother but also his wife.  I really feel like she just doesn't belong there and on the whole is just going to be really uncomfortable for many others besides myself.  

I just wanted a sounding board on what others thought about the situation.

[Vort]

That's rough, brother. Not sure what advice to give, but you have my sincere condolences on your brother's passing.

What does your brother's widow think? It's ultimately her decision. If she says she doesn't want her there, then it's decided; just let your ex-wife know as politely as you can that her presence would be somewhat disruptive, so thanks for offering to come but no thanks. If your sister-in-law wants her there (which seems highly unlikely), then it's decided, and you need to find some way to make peace with your ex-wife's presence.

If, as seems likely to me, you sister-in-law says she doesn't care, then you will need to look into your own heart and examine your own motives. Perhaps the best thing to do is to try to figure out whether your children are better of with or without their mother there.

If your children weren't all that close to their uncle and the funeral is mainly about your family's (read: your) private grief, then you need to determine whether disinviting her from the funeral and spending the time grieving your brother without her there is worth the possible bad feelings and repercussions that may arise in the future when dealing with her regarding your children.

This is all very obvious. Sorry I don't have any great insights. Best of luck to you.

Edited December 27, 2018 by Vort

[000Zero000]

20 minutes ago, Vort said:

That's rough, brother. Not sure what advice to give, but you have my sincere condolences on your brother's passing.

What does your brother's widow think? It's ultimately her decision. If she says she doesn't want her there, then it's decided; just let your ex-wife know as politely as you can that her presence would be somewhat disruptive, so thanks for offering to come but no thanks. If your sister-in-law wants her there (which seems highly unlikely), then it's decided, and you need to find some way to make peace with your ex-wife's presence.

If, as seems likely to me, you sister-in-law says she doesn't care, then you will need to look into your own heart and examine your own motives. Perhaps the best thing to do is to try to figure out whether your children are better of with or without their mother there.

If your children weren't all that close to their uncle and the funeral is mainly about your family's (read: your) private grief, then you need to determine whether disinviting her from the funeral and spending the time grieving your brother without her there is worth the possible bad feelings and repercussions that may arise in the future when dealing with her regarding your children.

This is all very obvious. Sorry I don't have any great insights. Best of luck to you.

My brother's widow said she wanted whatever was most comfortable for me.   She also said my brother would have thought it was inappropriate for any of our ex's to be there.  I guess she and he talked about this just a few weeks ago. 

For some additional context my brother had terminal cancer and he, his wife and daughter have been living with me for last month.   He passed away in my home.  My kids weren't able to spend much time with him during that month because he was in a lot of pain and had no energy for much interaction.

Six months ago my answer to my ex would have been an immediate "please do not attend".    In the last several months I have been working on changing my perspective and attitude when it comes to her but this is just very personal.  

[Guest MormonGator]

7 minutes ago, 000Zero000 said:

Six months ago my answer to my ex would have been an immediate "please do not attend".    In the last several months I have been working on changing my perspective and attitude when it comes to her but this is just very personal.  

I really admire you for that. I don't even talk to my ex girlfriends, forget an ex wife. You being able to put your feelings aside and change your perspective is incredible. I wish I had your strength and character. 

 

[NeuroTypical]

2 hours ago, 000Zero000 said:

I just wanted a sounding board on what others thought about the situation.

Do what's best for the kids.  Doesn't matter about you, or your ex, or who did what, or who would be comfortable, or what anyone wants.  Do what's best for the kids.

[unixknight]

13 hours ago, 000Zero000 said:

...my brother would have thought it was inappropriate for any of our ex's to be there.  I guess she and he talked about this just a few weeks ago. 

Sounds like the question is already answered.

[000Zero000]

16 hours ago, MormonGator said:

I really admire you for that. I don't even talk to my ex girlfriends, forget an ex wife. You being able to put your feelings aside and change your perspective is incredible. I wish I had your strength and character. 

 

I would like at some point in the near future to start dating.  In my view of things, I can't do that unless I am a whole person and I can't be a whole person unless I let go of the hurt and bad feeling I have for my ex.  I have a long way to go but I am definitely getting better.

[Iggy]

Your question has been answered from several viewpoints:

• Your Brother & SIL decided before he passed.
• SIL told you she wants what is comfortable for you.
• Have your SIL ask YOUR children what they want AND not to answer what they think will please you OR their mother.
• If brother & SIL have children include them and ask what they want.

At my MIL's memorial service, her youngest son, the significant other he called his wife and her brother & group of drug dealers were told NOT to attend, that if I saw them there, I would call the Vice Squad and have them ALL arrested on the spot. [there were warrants on ALL of them]. They all showed up, and yes I had them arrested. Short story ~ Baby Son prostituted his Mother (who was in 3rd stage Alzheimer's) and his three daughters (ages 8 to 13) so he and that thing he called his wife could have their daily doses of Meth, and enough to also sell. He stripped Mom's checking account of over $80grand, sold her SS card as well as her three credit cards AND her identity.

His first and second wives AND their children were more than welcomed. They were good to Mom and she loved them to the moon and back.

Because I was 1st Son's fourth (and final aka sealed for all eternity) wife, and only for four years, I stood watch at the door adjacent to the front door of the Stake Meetinghouse. Husband had his own Son, Daughter, Good Brother, his wife, the non-drug addict nieces and ex-SIL's to sit next to him, and ALL of the extended family of cousins (8 of them) their wives & all of their kids behind him clear to the folding chairs. Now, what surprised me and also brought me to tears was that the Stake chapel and the multipurpose room was full, plus the stage and plus the foyer opposite to where I was. Our guest book was full - both sides of the pages plus all along the margins! THAT is how well known she was AND how loved she and the two Good Brothers were loved!

Had either of the Good Brothers been involved in the deterring of and the involvement of having Creep Jerk Drug Addict Brother & Groupies arrested, that sweet, tender, touching and Oh So Spirit-filled memorial would have been eternally ruined for them.

Repeat:

• Your Brother & SIL decided before he passed
• SIL told you she wants what is comfortable for you.
• Have your SIL ask YOUR children what they want AND not to answer what they think they will please you OR  their mother
• If Brother & SIL have children include them and ask what THEY want.

One of the greatest blessings of this marvelous gospel of Jesus Christ's is that when we pass out of this mortal life, we are going through the door to the next phase of His glorious Gospel. Your brother is now with all of your kindred dead that has passed on before him. What a wonderful and glorious reunion. Yes, you are experiencing him not being with you. There is a hole in your heart. BUT, knowing that he is with all of the Grands, Aunts, Uncles and possibly your parents - that should ease the pain & emptiness you feel. It took me having my little sister [1963], numerous Great Uncles & Aunts, cousins, Dad, Grandma & then my Mom [1988] all passing before I truly understood God's Plan of Salvation. That all of those loved ones of mine were not LOST, they and just gone through a door that I could not go through - at least not yet. With my oldest nephew [2004], older sister and then my older brother's passing [2017], I still feel the emptiness, but it is endurable because I know I will be seeing them in not so many heavenly years from now.

My prayers are with you and your brother's loved ones.

[Iggy]

1 hour ago, 000Zero000 said:

I would like at some point in the near future to start dating.  In my view of things, I can't do that unless I am a whole person and I can't be a whole person unless I let go of the hurt and bad feeling I have for my ex.  I have a long way to go but I am definitely getting better.

When I divorced, I walked away from an abusive marriage of 25 years and an evil manipulative mean husband. One year before I left, I reactivated back into the Church. Boy Howdy what a wondrous reunion with the Holy Ghost, Jesus Christ and God THAT was! So when I left hubby#1, I prayed daily for strength, for the Lord to banish the adversary, to protect my siblings & their children from ex-husbands physical rath, and for me to remain humble. When I felt the bitterness or what I called the Shrew trying to take command, THAT is when I asked for Priesthood Blessings. In the two years following, I had LOTS of PH Blessings!

I have not felt hurt, bad feelings or even thoughts of vengeance/revenge against Ex. I have not bad mouthed him even when people have come to me to ask why I walked out on him. I told them it wasn't their business to know. We did not have any children, thank goodness. I had the support of my Branch family and oddly enough ALL of the people Ex introduced me to that he said were his Good Friends! These friends refused to support EX. They knew what he had been doing to me, and they did not agree with him. WOW, never in my life have I ever had the unconditional love and support of un-related peoples. Still do, after 15 years!

Want to become a *whole* person? Take all of your guilt, remorse, hurt, and bad feelings and give them all to Heavenly Father. Empty them out of you. Fill the void that created with good things. Volunteering at a homeless shelter. Going online to https://www.justserve.org/ put in your city/state and pick what you are capable of helping with. Be more involved with your own children's school activities and make a concerted effort to have them with you every Sunday at church. Focus always on the good positive

I held three callings all at once in my Branch plus working full time at the local hardware store during the separation and finally the divorce. THAT all kept me more than busy and after about three years, there was absolutely no trace of anything negative regarding my ex. He passed away eleven years after I left him. His only son called me and asked if I knew what his Dad's final wishes had been. To be cremated and tossed into the Pacific Ocean. So that is what they did. They went to Hawaii where he had been born and raised, went out on a cammeron, and tossed his ashes into the ocean.  On the day they went, I went to my beach on the Oregon coast and said:  Hasta la bye-bye. Rest in peace. 

[Just_A_Guy]

21 hours ago, 000Zero000 said:

My older brother passed away on the 24th of December.    His funeral is this Saturday and I wouldn't normally have my kids with me when the funeral is scheduled but my ex said it would be ok if they spent the day with me so they could attend.  The next day my ex sent a text message saying that she would like to go to the funeral as well and that she could just take the kids.  As part of the text she said "as long as it wouldn't make anybody feel uncomfortable". 

The problem is that is makes me uncomfortable.  I would really like to spend this time with my family and kids without her there.   She didn't really know my brother and she said a lot of things about my family when we were getting divorced that weren't exactly complimentary.   She is no longer a member of the church and when she was making her grand exit she actually contacted my brother's wife for some kind of weird solidarity type interaction.  It was really upsetting for not only my brother but also his wife.  I really feel like she just doesn't belong there and on the whole is just going to be really uncomfortable for many others besides myself.  

I just wanted a sounding board on what others thought about the situation.

It seems to me that “the day” encompasses more than “the funeral”.  If she wants to go to the latter—she knew the guy, she apparently had some modicum of like/respect for the guy, she wants to say goodbye in her own way, and I presume she didn’t hurt him the way @Iggy‘s BIL did to her MIL—so it seems to me, that’s what funerals are for.  

But if she’s trying to invite herself to the “family-only” components of the day—closing the casket, final prayer service; the post-funeral potluck, riding to the cemetery, etc—she’s not family any more, and I think it’s quite justifiable to say “I appreciate the thought, but we actually talked this out and Brother wanted that part of the day to be just family”.

Edited December 28, 2018 by Just_A_Guy

[Vort]

8 minutes ago, Just_A_Guy said:

It seems to me that “the day” encompasses more than “the funeral”.  If she wants to go to the latter—she knew the guy, she apparently had some modicum of like/respect for the guy, she wants to say goodbye in her own way, and I presume she didn’t hurt him the way @Iggy‘s BIL did to her MIL—so it seems to me, that’s what funerals are for.  

But if she’s trying to invite herself to the “family-only” components of the day—closing the casket, final prayer service; the post-funeral potluck, riding to the cemetery, etc—she’s not family any more, and I think it’s quite justifiable to say “I appreciate the thought, but we actually talked this out and Brother wanted that part of the day to be just family”.

This is a good point. Funerals are traditionally designed to be a sort of public gesture, open to all who knew the person. If you look at it from this perspective, it makes sense to not say anything about her coming to the funeral but otherwise not inviting her to participate in the family mourning and get-togethers. Not sure if this is helpful to the OP, but I like the line of thinking.

[000Zero000]

2 hours ago, Vort said:

This is a good point. Funerals are traditionally designed to be a sort of public gesture, open to all who knew the person. If you look at it from this perspective, it makes sense to not say anything about her coming to the funeral but otherwise not inviting her to participate in the family mourning and get-togethers. Not sure if this is helpful to the OP, but I like the line of thinking.

I opted to allow her to attend.  To the point of attending only the funeral and none of the other events, this isn't really possible.  If she brings my children then she will be coming to everything as I want my children to be at everything.  On another note, my parents just happened to bump into my former mother in law at a store today.  She is now attending as well.  I could tell it didn't make my mom very happy.  My ex wasn't very kind in her assessment of my family when we were getting divorced and her mother got in on the action a bit as well.    I guess we will see what happens.   Thanks Just_a_guy and Vort.

 

[classylady]

When our daughter died my husband’s ex-wife came to the funeral. It made it uncomfortable for us and other family members. After that my husband wrote an email to his ex detailing certain boundaries he would like to see implemented. In the letter he requested that she not attend any more funerals of his family.  He then explained that it was uncomfortable when she attended our daughter’s funeral, and told her the reason he did not attend her mother’s (ex-mother-in-law) was so she and her family could grieve without any distractions. My husband’s son came from out of town to attend his grandmother’s funeral, and we would have loved to have seen him while he was in the area, but didn’t want to take away from their family time and mourning together. It just seemed inappropriate. So we did not visit him while he was here.

As to forgiving the ex-wife, forgiveness does not require you to be in the presence of someone who has been a toxic entity in your life. It does mean you should be civil, especially since children are involved. But, forgiveness does not mean you trust that person. And, unfortunately, we do not forget, even if we would like to. We have to protect ourselves from a toxic person. And, even though she may have been toxic in your personal life, doesn’t mean she is toxic to your children or other family members. It becomes a fine line that needs to be tread, and can be difficult.

My husband has been divorced for nearly 40 years and there are still consequences and repercussions from the prior marriage.  Sigh. There are times when we just ignore her as much as possible without being rude or uncivil. We try to be Christlike, but that does not mean she is welcome at husband’s family functions.  My stepdaughter would like to bring her mother to every activity we have. That’s another story. My husband has also needed to talk to his daughter about boundaries. Good luck!

[askandanswer]

As the executor of my deceased brother’s estate, it fell to me to arrange his funeral. At the time of his death he had been divorced from his second wife for about three months. His second wife was intensely hostile towards the children of the first marriage and had occasionally engaged in aggressive actions towards them. She was outraged that they intended to come to their father’s funeral and made threats of violence towards them if they came. I didn’t want to prevent anybody from coming to mourn my brother so I ended up hiring a security guard to stand at the door of the chapel, with instructions to assist in removing from the chapel anybody who became disruptive. Fortunately, no one became disruptive, everyone who wanted to attend did attend, and the threats of violence were not carried out. So bottom line – don’t prevent mourners from attending, let people show their love and grief, but be prepared for the unexpected and undesirable.

[Guest MormonGator]

8 minutes ago, askandanswer said:

don’t prevent mourners from attending, let people show their love and grief, but be prepared for the unexpected and undesirable.

Great advice.

Sorry for your loss @askandanswer