What to Say (and NOT Say) To Your Friend with a Chronic Illness

[Third Hour]

You’re flaky. You just want attention. It’s all in your head. You just need to tough it out.  I’ve heard every single one of these things…. But I think if anyone could see the countless hours I’ve spent crying, praying, and lying in bed because even walking around is too painful — well, I think they’d change their tune. It’s a grim picture, but for people with a chronic illness, it’s more than a picture — it’s life. I don’t think anyone would argue that being sick is horrible. It’s exhausting, discouraging, and sometimes makes you wonder if you’ll ever feel normal again. Imagine feeling that way 24/7. Chronic illness is debilitating in so many ways, but sometimes even worse than the physical pain is the emotional pain. Having someone tell you that you’re flaky or that you’re weak when you’re in tremendous pain is like having someone kick you over and over when you’re trying to get up. On the other hand, having someone encourage you and show compassion when you’re struggling...

View the full article

[Bro. Dorsey]

Thank you for this article....I have Ulcerative Colitis which is an autoimmune disease and is considered a chronic illness. Sometimes the symptoms are very mild and sometimes they can be debilitating but they are always there. I think the two biggest mistakes that people make about folks with chronic illnesses is first, not understanding that just because you're not throwing up, have a fever or showing some outward physical manifestation of "illness" that you're not really sick. Hey, I can smile, laugh and tell jokes with the best of them and all the while be in some pretty good pain. People with chronic illnesses learn to "live" with their illness...we adapt, we compensate and we appear normal but at any given moment (which can be often) our illness can cancel our plans, put us in bed and even send us to the hospital.

The second mistake folks make is they tend to compare our illness to something they have experienced. A friend at work for instance, when I was first diagnosed with U.C. he empathized that because he has IBS he knows what I am going through....I know he meant well but he's not even close.

I think one of the hardest things about having a chronic illness is that it absolutely changes your lifestyle. It can be depressing and your anxiety level goes up 10 fold. In my personal experience it's become touch and go in the important things in my life and I hate that. Attending church, going to the Temple, working a full time job, family functions, doing service work, etc..  I am scared to death that I'll get that call to speak in church and not because I'm afraid speak in public (I love it) but because I can't be sure I'd make it to church. I can't raise my hand anymore when they need volunteers to help move someone in the ward because I can't be sure I'd make it. I can't sign up to do sealings or attend a ward temple function because I'm not sure I'd make it that day. And the ward Christmas party? Forget it.

It can be depressing knowing that "this is your life" for the rest of your life.

So yes please....don't judge that person because you don't see them in church as often as you go or because they don't ever "sign up" for stuff...you don't know the trials they have.

Compassion without judgment is the answer.

Thanks again for this article.

[pam]

2 hours ago, Bro. Dorsey said:

Thank you for this article....I have Ulcerative Colitis which is an autoimmune disease and is considered a chronic illness. Sometimes the symptoms are very mild and sometimes they can be debilitating but they are always there. I think the two biggest mistakes that people make about folks with chronic illnesses is first, not understanding that just because you're not throwing up, have a fever or showing some outward physical manifestation of "illness" that you're not really sick. Hey, I can smile, laugh and tell jokes with the best of them and all the while be in some pretty good pain. People with chronic illnesses learn to "live" with their illness...we adapt, we compensate and we appear normal but at any given moment (which can be often) our illness can cancel our plans, put us in bed and even send us to the hospital.

 

I have Crohn's disease so I am totally in agreement with what you have said.  I have experienced all of these things.  I can be fine one moment and the next might find me with a look of panic on my face.