Am I My Brother's Keeper?


seashmore
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One of my roommates is also one of my best friends.  He really is like the brother I never had*.  (One of his sisters has been my roommate for years.)  We tease each other mercilessly, but when it comes down to it, we watch the same tv shows.  He has been working the last few years to prepare to serve a mission (I used to call him my "summer brother" because he lived with us for a summer to earn money).  Although he has faced a few setbacks along the way, he seems determined to go, and I often get excited when I think about him receiving his own endowment.  Out of the four of us who live here (soon to be five), he and I are the only ones who are active in the Church, and we both have a mixed bag of activity when it comes to family.  Our dad's are both temple workers, but our mom's have both abandoned the Gospel.  His oldest sister has a good grasp on managing an eternal family of 8, and his youngest sister is soon returning from her mission. 

I bring all this backstory to the table with the hopes to show how I feel about him.  He's a little Opie, I'm a little Aunt Bea, I guess.

He's been dating the same girl for about six months now.  They met at their previous job and have a few mutual friends, but she is not a member.  I like her well enough, but I've gotten the feeling that she might not actually be all that good for him.  About  six weeks ago, we had a pretty bad snowstorm that forced three of our house associates to stay the night.  They stayed in his room together, and I trust them enough to have behaved.  Also, my room is directly below his.  She's been staying over more often lately, presumably because we live much closer to her job than her parents, although it hasn't been outright brought to my attention.  She and I talked a few nights ago about sometimes getting our shoes confused in the morning (our feet are at least three sizes smaller than anyone else's and we both wear all black sneakers to work) and I chatted with her on her way out the door Tuesday morning.  It's clear that I know she stays.  She stayed last night, and I heard more bed squeaks than I normally do.  The squeaks were soft, but suspect. 

Because of my personal past with trying to blur the law of chastity and the brotherly affection I have for him, I'd like him to avoid that kind of trouble.  I'm just not sure how to bring it up without bringing tension/contention into the home.  Any advice on how to do that/what to say?  Or should I just turn a deaf ear and blind eye?

*Please don't launch judgement at me for living in mixed company. 

Edited by seashmore
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The best thing you can say to him is to simply have him know where you stand and that the Law of Chasity is important to you.  Lead by example.

If he knows where you stand on this, then you don't have to give him the "you know it's important to live the Law of Chasity" talk, because your actions are already saying it far better than your words could. 

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Guest MormonGator

It's tough when you see loved ones making choices you don't agree with. I'm sending love and prayers @seashmore 😞

Sadly, I think @Jane_Doe is correct. There isn't much you can do. You can explain to him your feelings and morals, and you should-but that's about it. He probably already knows you don't approve of his behavior. My fear is that he'll say it's none of your business and it might effect your relationship in the long term. 

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So... this is what I say to my sons and nephews (only my son has a girlfriend.  my 27 year old nephew is still living at his parents with no girlfriend, my 20 year old nephew is going to school in South Korea also without a girlfriend, the other nephews and my other son are 15 years old and under)... "Finish high school, get a job, and don't have sex before marriage and you'll be successful and not make victims out of your future children."  I would say this anytime I feel like it.  Like, when I go visit their houses and I'm walking out the door and they give me their customary goodbye hug.  So, if I see/hear of a girl staying overnight in their room, they're gonna get that same reminder.  Because, if I don't, then I'd be reneging on my duty as their aunt.

 

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13 hours ago, anatess2 said:

So... this is what I say to my sons and nephews (only my son has a girlfriend.  my 27 year old nephew is still living at his parents with no girlfriend, my 20 year old nephew is going to school in South Korea also without a girlfriend, the other nephews and my other son are 15 years old and under)... "Finish high school, get a job, and don't have sex before marriage and you'll be successful and not make victims out of your future children."  I would say this anytime I feel like it.  Like, when I go visit their houses and I'm walking out the door and they give me their customary goodbye hug.  So, if I see/hear of a girl staying overnight in their room, they're gonna get that same reminder.  Because, if I don't, then I'd be reneging on my duty as their aunt.

 

Similarly, I have a friend who says, "Be smart. And if you can't be smart, be safe." 

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If you have been his friend for a long time, you can certainly sit down and have a heart to heart talk with him.  Express that you are only going to stick your nose in once.  Let him know that you are concerned with where his relationship is going.  And let him know that if he ever wants to talk about it that you are there for him, but that you will stay out of it, unless he comes to you to talk or for advice.

And that is about all you can do.  And of course pray for him.

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