HelplessOne

She filed for divorce, but im still looking for hope

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So long story short. We were married for 7 years. She’s already filed for divorce. It was just one argument/fight too many and she snapped. She filed for divorce a week ago from today. No children between us. We were making plans to have kids, to move out of the apartment and buy a house. Then a little time later, the incident occurs and then divorce 3 months later.

Incident = the argument that lead to a short fight. We became quiet for a few days. She brought it up again and I stone-walled and she snapped. (now you can jump to the last paragraph)

 

When the incident happened, she became a completely different person, full of disdain toward me and didn’t want to go to counseling or anything. Only went to the bishop with me to tell him she wanted out because she didn’t love me anymore. For 2 months I cried and pleaded her to stay. I knew I had anger/communication issues and that was what made her snap. Other things contributed too, but that’s in more detail below.  The incident happened in October and she kept saying she was indecisive. In December was the month we separated. We agreed for 4 weeks and could make it longer or reconcile by January’s beginning with couples therapy (though she was against it). But as soon as the 4 weeks were over, she blocked me on fb and over the phone told me that her decision was divorce. As much as I had any chance to speak to her through the 3 months,(since she was avoiding communication with me) she kept trumping every debate with “it’s my choice”.  I couldn’t challenge that, not even God could. I told and showed her my efforts of changing and that I was going to the counselor to gain more than just visiting bishop alone. She’d say, “that’s good and I recognize that you are changing, but it’s too late, and I’ve made my choice” She simply did not care for anything anymore and became extremely hard-hearted.

Some of her arguments were that, She didn’t want to go to couples therapy because we’ve already done many sessions of counseling and bishop visits in the past years and things did not change. Or that I’ve sat you down and spoken to you about these issues. Which is true, but me being the foolish husband I was, didn’t think it was that serious at the time and that over a few more years, we’d be polishing these things out naturally. She debated that it should’ve been polished out by the 3rd or 4th year of our marriage, and not fight or argue anymore. I pleaded with her and said that many couples still argue, though slightly, while in their 60s or 70s. yet we can accomplish complete unity much earlier than that, but year 7 was still work in progress.  She didn’t agree.

Around Christmas, she went to spend about 2 weeks with her family 3 hours north (this was during the December separation). So at home alone, I found her “5 love languages book” and read it cover to cover. I even read parts of “Helping and Healing our Families” and “Strengthening our Families” both based off the Family Proclamation. They are  both great books of instruction and understanding. It opened my mind up so much to my rotten reactions and it’s psychological effects on my wife. There were so many gems that if followed, would turn any home into a temple. She didn’t care about the 5 Love languages, and called it BS and that it never worked on me. I pointed out that it did, because I had noticed a change in her before the incident made her snap. I said I knew something was different about her but I didn’t know what. I had never read the book and took the Idea before as goofy. But after reading the book with the state of mind I had now, I understood what she was going through, or doing for me. I tried to console her that the book stated the same thing that our prophets and apostles would teach about a marriage at the brink of divorce, that if we worked together to bring it back, it becomes an even stronger relationship never to become weary again. She didn’t care to believe me or dare to even give it a try. She was against everything, even saying “why would I want to come back to a husband I hate?”

Some of my faults were that I wasn’t intimate enough with her. She said that we were living like roommates and weren’t spending time together. Though I thought that things were actually fine. In some fights, I would say harsh things, but only, and only in the height of my emotions. Never have or would I say anything of that hurtful nature in regular arguments or everyday conversations, at all. Nor did I think it. Didn’t use vulgar language either. Just harsh criticism that I’m ashamed to mention more of.

The worst thing about me is that I would shut down in fights and be emotionally distant for a few days. I would just go quiet and as John Gottman describes, would stone-wall her (another thing I learned going through this ordeal) This is what would give her that psychological pain, where she had no idea how to get me to respond or had all kinds of racing bad thoughts. In my mind I thought that I was saving a bad fight from getting worse or longer, and didn’t want to continue. But she was mentally struggling since she needed responses from me. I had no idea what she was going through. Though now I do. When the incident made her snap, she ended up cutting her emotional connection with me and in a sense, stone-walled me. That was the point when she gave up. But didn’t say anything to me for nearly 7 days, and I was freaking out of my mind, wanting a response from her, but I kept my cool too, not wanting to bring the fight up again. On the 7th day she turned to me and said we need to talk, and I just burst out, “yes we do please” (feeling all scared inside) This was when I realized what I had been putting her through for the past few years. She didn’t stone-wall me as a “taste of your own medicine” treatment, but she was simply done and disconnected her feelings and emotions from me. Essentially abandoning the relationship that October.

We didn’t fight/argue all the time, we had many more good times too. But if the fights went long enough, then would I get to that point of shutting down, though otherwise, we’d solve the issue. But that was another thing she didn’t like – when I did stone-wall, the issue was not resolved and pushed away.

Now that I know what my behavior truly resonates, I am absolutely adamant to NEVER do it again, to anyone, period.

I’ve finally learned that part of my behavior and words are considered to be psychological and emotional abuse. Never in the world thought I to be capable and guilty of such things. The more I read from the books and googled the principles, the more I realized my words, acts an effects. Though not to extreme levels of some crazy abusive families, I had been unaware of what little I was doing.

Crying as I type this, I hate myself so so much for being like this and wish I learned better earlier. She is/was the best thing that ever happened to me in my entire life. And if I just swallowed my pride long enough and apologized more often while following her humble pleadings, our relationship would’ve been superb by now. I wish the earth would just open up and swallow me out of existence. I’m so ashamed of myself, and my good parents, and wonderful friends that respected me. I so humbly tried my best to apologize and plead for her loving forgiveness and her return. But the divorce is in process and as I observe her with her friends and family, she hasn’t a care in the world of letting me go. Multiple times, she said she’ll forgive me someday, but that she’ll surely never coming back.

It seemed like no one could or even would do anything. Even the counselor she was seeing was not a member, though a Christian and is a “marriage/family” counselor, I don’t know what she was feeding my wife. I made her my counselor too, but she didn’t seem to be interested in helping me gain my wife back. Sadly I’ve read many places online that counselors these days only care about their client’s “personal” happiness regardless if it dissolves a marriage or not. I can’t verify this. But according to the counselor, she said that my wife was “losing hope”(I learned of this while 2 mths of pleading my wife to stay and professed my resolved to change my communication), but there may still be a chance.

I know that we can’t take other people’s free agency away, but I was hoping that a church leader could encourage some type of reconciliation workshop for the relationship before resorting to divorce. The bishop seemed cornered when she said it was her choice. Seemed the best he could do was send us Uchtdorf’s talk about “In Praise of those who save” which also had gems of marriage redemption. And I considered myself guilty of nearly every vice of pride in the first paragraph of “Set aside pride” section of the talk. I’m doing what I can to repent. But I cannot prove my change in word and deed to a ghost. But as much as I admitted my mistakes and that I now know better in being a more supportive husband, She remained cold. Much of the counsel that brethren from the church has given me is to give her some time after the divorce to let her remember the good times. And perhaps approach her again. Another in church though we weren’t compatible (but I don’t believe in soul mates at all).  And most others have advised me that she’s been suffering for a while contemplating the idea, and has now executed it, so let her go and move on. My parents and a coworker understood my incredible heartache for her. They said that it was because she was my first (and only) girlfriend who became my wife. Dating in college I dated girls once or twice before letting them go. Never got serious. Nor did I date in High school. But she was special and I know I couldn’t let her go. I know that I’ve faulted in several ways that have become negligent of her, or taking our sealing for granted. But I’ve awoken from my prideful slumber and am trying to turn my world back right-side up, and nothing is working. Frighteningly, she does not seem to be the same woman I knew just days prior to the incident. There is so much more I could share. But I think this is long enough for now. If you have other questions I could try to answer it for you.

 

Please, if there is anyone out there with some way to help me gain back the Goddess I once took for granted, I will be forever in your debt. Please anyone. Yes there were bad times, but is outweighed by the good times which were extremely memorable and I loved spending time with her, hearing her laugh at my jokes while grocery shopping, or looking for Christmas/birthday gifts for family, walking through the mall, and visiting other members and having dinner with them, and talking about deep doc with her. I’ve pictured our lives and future children together for the longest time, and it would kill me to think that she’s preparing herself to seek and seal herself to another. Please, if anyone has stories of how something in my state can be redeemed, I’d love to hear it.

Edited by HelplessOne
grammer corrections

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Sorry you're going through this.  A few things:

- The divorce process is just that - a process.  You have some time to pursue her.  And even if the divorce goes through, there is a small hope of reconciling and reuniting, although nobody knows what that would look like right now.
- She didn't snap, she just finally let some of the stuff that had been with her for a long time finally bubble over and be seen by you.
- Get some counseling.  Couples would be ideal, but if she won't go, you go and work on you.
- That's sort of the sum of things - you can only do you.  
- Learn how to react to her choices (especially this big one) in ways other than you can't stand it, and it'll kill you, etc.  
- For the love of pete, if you don't do anything else, do NOT bring kids into the mix.  Not now.  Even if things get better and she calls off the divorce, not then.  Not until there's some couples counseling and both of you have a firm grasp on what's up, and what the future holds.  Don't even consider kids for a minimum of two years, IMO.

Good luck, God bless.  Sorry.

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@HelplessOne, I'm sorry that you're having such a rough time.  

May I suggest that the best question here for you is "how can I be the man who treat a lady as the Divine Daughter of God she is?"  By your own admission, you have been abusive with anger issues, poor communication, and poor empathy.  You haven't treated her like the divine Daughter of God she is.  You now realize this-- which is a huge step in the right direction.  But it's just the first step.  Learning how to communicate with people, resolve differences in a healthy way, have empathy --- those are all deeply engrained habits in a person.  Take for one example the anger: yes, you now realize that lashing out in anger is bad.  But if things get stressful, that habit to lash is still there, and it's still destructive.  You need TONS of work on building new healthy habits to deal with stress and conflict resolution methods.  Likewise with empathy and other communication methods.  

What I would suggest is that you enroll in individual counseling to improve these habits you can be a man who treats a lady (all ladies) as Daughters of God.  Learn new healthy ways of dealing things, and practice them over and over again.  Do it until it's not just something you read in a book, but part of WHO you are.   Don't do it to "win her back", but because it's the RIGHT thing to do, something to make you a better disciple of God.

Edited by Jane_Doe

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@HelplessOne,

I'm sorry to hear about your situation.

It sounds like it's too late.  No fixing it now.

What you can do is prepare for the future.  It seems you've learned your lesson.  Can you continue being a new person in a new life?  That's the only choice you can make.  Either continue, having learned those lessons, take them to heart, and be a newer, better person, OR you can get bitter or depressed and NOT keep those lessons in your heart.

No matter what, divorce is a terrible thing to go through.  It is going to be tough, as will the aftermath.  But you will need to pick up the pieces and take these lessons with you into a newer brighter future.

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@NeuroTypical

Thanks for the advice. I must emphasize just how anti-me she is. She'll never respond to my text unless its something that she is concerned with. She'll ignore anything concerning the situation and my feelings and what not. If i call, she'll put through to voice mail.  And maybe, she'll call back hours later, or not. Since we work in the same company, though her office is away from mine, we may see each other in a corridor or at the cafeteria, and she'll make efforts to turn and walk the other way, or turn her head heavily to her friend walking next to her to ignore me. Before she filed, if i got to speak to her in a corner she would step farther away from me as though i had a disease she didn't want to catch. and after she filed she strongly forbade me to come around her office area and approach her at all anywhere. Some of her co workers who know me and usually would say hi, rarely or no longer do. Her utter disdain against me is so ungodly, that if you knew her as friend, you'd think my description of her attitude toward me was an attempt of mine to publicly destroy her reputation. It's pretty bad. She truly is a beautiful person with a massive heart of gold. The sweet version of her will normally forgive me for anything i sought her forgiveness for. Because she'd know that i was sincere with my apologies. But who she is now, the bitter version, is so cruel toward me, its hard to describe the drastic change. I've tried time and time again to get her to do couples therapy, or counseling together or get her to do it by herself. But she's refused it all, as to have made up her mind that she no longer needs help. When other counselors and people from the ward hear these stories, most of them can't help think that someone else may be involved. Especially with how fast she pushed for divorce. I was thinking she's getting older and wants children (which we were planning for last year anyway) and wants to go to the YSA ward in the area before she turns 30. It hurts so much to imagine her in the arms of another. Others say she's so far moved on that she's just dusting me off her shoulders as though I never meant a thing to her to begin with. Of course i did ask her a few times before if there was another, but she furiously said no. Knowing her, i don't think she's one to cross boundaries, but then again, this is a side of her's i've never seen. I am continuing to work on myself. I do still sustain the guilt and hurt from this event, but there is much i'm facing to improve myself on. Stats on remarrying a divorced spouse in the world is about 6%. Though i couldn't find any stats at all about LDS spouses re-marrying each other after divorce.

 

 

@Jane_Doe

Thanks for your response. You are right. Truth be told, I have never raised my voice and spoken with anger or frustration to anyone, except when i was an untamed child. Since about 14 years old, through my mission and all throughout college, i couldn't remember a single time i had been like that. Usually when there was a confrontation or conflict, i used my simple regular voice and to attempt solving it. and if it couldn't work, then i left it to others. After the incident with her, and having a strong reflection of myself, i kept asking myself where did that habit come from? When we first got married, i hadn't actually fought like that. She would be mean or condescending in some ways she'd speak to me, and i would let it slide several times. Then when i got tired, i would address it in a normal voice still. But a couple of years later, i started raising my voice. Then a little more time later, we both would shout at a time and both cry, and take time outs and what not. So you see, it wasn't always like that. So i started to analyze my own history, and realized that i gained the habit when i was growing up with my rival cousin. He and i always got in to verbal fights. There was nothing physical. I also remember at times when i argued with my wife, without thinking, my tongue would mention my cousin's name and ask her to stop acting like him, or treating me like him. At the time it was weird that i said that. But it didn't occur to me that my child's defensive mind, was associating my wife to my rival cousin. After reflecting on why would i never have a verbal fight with anyone in any case outside the home, but i would fight with my wife, lead to my relationship to my cousin. I loved my cousin and wanted him to respect me, but he was always messing around with me. Then around the time i was 14, i realized that i didn't have to respond to him, i could ignore him and chose to live a happy life around him. He realized i wasn't bothered so much and then just left me alone. We finally both grew up. In the same house, but in our own worlds, no longer annoying to each other. I figured that i love my wife and wanted her to show me the same respect. Not that she wasn't. But she had this way of passing cruel comments to me if she was displeased with something or was taking it out on me, which would cut me up inside. When i'd have enough, I'll address her, and if the argument started, then it either escalated, or we both apologized and carried on. I'm naturally a conflict avoiding man. But when i thought about why I didn't get in verbal fights with people outside my home, i came up with something stupid. It's because i argue with the one i love more - who are usually people at home. But again. It took time for me to start being angry the way i was as a child (14 and younger). It didn't happen right after i got married, but that defensive method came back slowly. Now, i'm not a psychologist or anything But with the best of my prayers and things i read online about why i was the way i was, it began to make sense. I am still going to counseling for further analysis and reassessing my reaction skills. I also met with a retired psychologist who said that people married from different cultures are even more diverse, but any married couple brings with them their family's patterns, habits, skills and traditions. Without a father in my home and the way my mother taught me, i've done my best to respect women. But speaking to another counselor over the phone, she figured out that i didn't have sisters. She taught me that girls grow up using speech earlier than boys. Girls will have tea parties with the dolls and stuffed animals having made-up conversations, while boys makes noises like "bang! bang!" or "vrooooomm!" A silly example, but she taught me that it's generally normal for husbands to not pay attention to a nagging wife. But women will usually talk to their husbands about issues before they start throwing pots and pans around in the kitchen. It's only a matter of when we unaware husbands decide to listen. But with girls at school and church and older lady teachers and members I've tried to be nice. I've always respected other people in my path of life, and just avoided the haters.

As I've analyzed why i get angry in fights with her, I've also come to realize that there are levels to pass through as the fight starts slow before it gets intense. basically, like creating stages from 1 to 5, where 5 are loud fights. I can usually recognize my growth at 2 or 3. But wouldn't even have to pass stage 1 if can solve it asap. One of the ways that I've determined to solve things myself and control my reactions is to no even contest my wife's pleas. If i try to challenge them, we could start to argue or end up fighting. My resolution is that i will give my opposing opinion, and if she disregards it in favor of her own, then i won't contest it further and fully support her in her preference. I that way, i'm serving her rather than fighting her, and she remains satisfied and happy. Now, am i being a doormat? Well, at this point, I'd rather be a doormat, than to lose my wife. But no, not be a doormat the whole time. I believe that making decisions that are far more imperative in life will consider more time and research to discuss, instead of just a "here's what i think, but if don't wanna, we'll just do it your way" response. I'm still figuring out ways that i can be better at communication in conflict moments then how I've been. According to the psychologist, he believes i have general good communication skills, but i need to work on my conflict resolution skills, which is that stone-walling thing i did. And that is what i'm training myself on for now since i hate myself for it. But i will admit, that in the past few years of our marriage, it had been rough and the fights were normally of the loud types then usual. I wrongly assessed the improvement of the marriage by how less and less we actually fought over time, but she didn't measure success the same way. For her it was simply that the fights shouldn't even be going on by now. I do believe that we are all divine children of our Heavenly Father. But more so, My wife, who is/was my eternal companion, is to be more precious than anything worldly worth fighting for.

 

 

 

 

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5 hours ago, HelplessOne said:

So long story short. We were married for 7 years. She’s already filed for divorce. It was just one argument/fight too many and she snapped. She filed for divorce a week ago from today. No children between us. We were making plans to have kids, to move out of the apartment and buy a house. Then a little time later, the incident occurs and then divorce 3 months later.

Incident = the argument that lead to a short fight. We became quiet for a few days. She brought it up again and I stone-walled and she snapped. (now you can jump to the last paragraph)

 

When the incident happened, she became a completely different person, full of disdain toward me and didn’t want to go to counseling or anything. Only went to the bishop with me to tell him she wanted out because she didn’t love me anymore. For 2 months I cried and pleaded her to stay. I knew I had anger/communication issues and that was what made her snap. Other things contributed too, but that’s in more detail below.  The incident happened in October and she kept saying she was indecisive. In December was the month we separated. We agreed for 4 weeks and could make it longer or reconcile by January’s beginning with couples therapy (though she was against it). But as soon as the 4 weeks were over, she blocked me on fb and over the phone told me that her decision was divorce. As much as I had any chance to speak to her through the 3 months,(since she was avoiding communication with me) she kept trumping every debate with “it’s my choice”.  I couldn’t challenge that, not even God could. I told and showed her my efforts of changing and that I was going to the counselor to gain more than just visiting bishop alone. She’d say, “that’s good and I recognize that you are changing, but it’s too late, and I’ve made my choice” She simply did not care for anything anymore and became extremely hard-hearted.

Some of her arguments were that, She didn’t want to go to couples therapy because we’ve already done many sessions of counseling and bishop visits in the past years and things did not change. Or that I’ve sat you down and spoken to you about these issues. Which is true, but me being the foolish husband I was, didn’t think it was that serious at the time and that over a few more years, we’d be polishing these things out naturally. She debated that it should’ve been polished out by the 3rd or 4th year of our marriage, and not fight or argue anymore. I pleaded with her and said that many couples still argue, though slightly, while in their 60s or 70s. yet we can accomplish complete unity much earlier than that, but year 7 was still work in progress.  She didn’t agree.

Around Christmas, she went to spend about 2 weeks with her family 3 hours north (this was during the December separation). So at home alone, I found her “5 love languages book” and read it cover to cover. I even read parts of “Helping and Healing our Families” and “Strengthening our Families” both based off the Family Proclamation. They are  both great books of instruction and understanding. It opened my mind up so much to my rotten reactions and it’s psychological effects on my wife. There were so many gems that if followed, would turn any home into a temple. She didn’t care about the 5 Love languages, and called it BS and that it never worked on me. I pointed out that it did, because I had noticed a change in her before the incident made her snap. I said I knew something was different about her but I didn’t know what. I had never read the book and took the Idea before as goofy. But after reading the book with the state of mind I had now, I understood what she was going through, or doing for me. I tried to console her that the book stated the same thing that our prophets and apostles would teach about a marriage at the brink of divorce, that if we worked together to bring it back, it becomes an even stronger relationship never to become weary again. She didn’t care to believe me or dare to even give it a try. She was against everything, even saying “why would I want to come back to a husband I hate?”

Some of my faults were that I wasn’t intimate enough with her. She said that we were living like roommates and weren’t spending time together. Though I thought that things were actually fine. In some fights, I would say harsh things, but only, and only in the height of my emotions. Never have or would I say anything of that hurtful nature in regular arguments or everyday conversations, at all. Nor did I think it. Didn’t use vulgar language either. Just harsh criticism that I’m ashamed to mention more of.

The worst thing about me is that I would shut down in fights and be emotionally distant for a few days. I would just go quiet and as John Gottman describes, would stone-wall her (another thing I learned going through this ordeal) This is what would give her that psychological pain, where she had no idea how to get me to respond or had all kinds of racing bad thoughts. In my mind I thought that I was saving a bad fight from getting worse or longer, and didn’t want to continue. But she was mentally struggling since she needed responses from me. I had no idea what she was going through. Though now I do. When the incident made her snap, she ended up cutting her emotional connection with me and in a sense, stone-walled me. That was the point when she gave up. But didn’t say anything to me for nearly 7 days, and I was freaking out of my mind, wanting a response from her, but I kept my cool too, not wanting to bring the fight up again. On the 7th day she turned to me and said we need to talk, and I just burst out, “yes we do please” (feeling all scared inside) This was when I realized what I had been putting her through for the past few years. She didn’t stone-wall me as a “taste of your own medicine” treatment, but she was simply done and disconnected her feelings and emotions from me. Essentially abandoning the relationship that October.

We didn’t fight/argue all the time, we had many more good times too. But if the fights went long enough, then would I get to that point of shutting down, though otherwise, we’d solve the issue. But that was another thing she didn’t like – when I did stone-wall, the issue was not resolved and pushed away.

Now that I know what my behavior truly resonates, I am absolutely adamant to NEVER do it again, to anyone, period.

I’ve finally learned that part of my behavior and words are considered to be psychological and emotional abuse. Never in the world thought I to be capable and guilty of such things. The more I read from the books and googled the principles, the more I realized my words, acts an effects. Though not to extreme levels of some crazy abusive families, I had been unaware of what little I was doing.

Crying as I type this, I hate myself so so much for being like this and wish I learned better earlier. She is/was the best thing that ever happened to me in my entire life. And if I just swallowed my pride long enough and apologized more often while following her humble pleadings, our relationship would’ve been superb by now. I wish the earth would just open up and swallow me out of existence. I’m so ashamed of myself, and my good parents, and wonderful friends that respected me. I so humbly tried my best to apologize and plead for her loving forgiveness and her return. But the divorce is in process and as I observe her with her friends and family, she hasn’t a care in the world of letting me go. Multiple times, she said she’ll forgive me someday, but that she’ll surely never coming back.

It seemed like no one could or even would do anything. Even the counselor she was seeing was not a member, though a Christian and is a “marriage/family” counselor, I don’t know what she was feeding my wife. I made her my counselor too, but she didn’t seem to be interested in helping me gain my wife back. Sadly I’ve read many places online that counselors these days only care about their client’s “personal” happiness regardless if it dissolves a marriage or not. I can’t verify this. But according to the counselor, she said that my wife was “losing hope”(I learned of this while 2 mths of pleading my wife to stay and professed my resolved to change my communication), but there may still be a chance.

I know that we can’t take other people’s free agency away, but I was hoping that a church leader could encourage some type of reconciliation workshop for the relationship before resorting to divorce. The bishop seemed cornered when she said it was her choice. Seemed the best he could do was send us Uchtdorf’s talk about “In Praise of those who save” which also had gems of marriage redemption. And I considered myself guilty of nearly every vice of pride in the first paragraph of “Set aside pride” section of the talk. I’m doing what I can to repent. But I cannot prove my change in word and deed to a ghost. But as much as I admitted my mistakes and that I now know better in being a more supportive husband, She remained cold. Much of the counsel that brethren from the church has given me is to give her some time after the divorce to let her remember the good times. And perhaps approach her again. Another in church though we weren’t compatible (but I don’t believe in soul mates at all).  And most others have advised me that she’s been suffering for a while contemplating the idea, and has now executed it, so let her go and move on. My parents and a coworker understood my incredible heartache for her. They said that it was because she was my first (and only) girlfriend who became my wife. Dating in college I dated girls once or twice before letting them go. Never got serious. Nor did I date in High school. But she was special and I know I couldn’t let her go. I know that I’ve faulted in several ways that have become negligent of her, or taking our sealing for granted. But I’ve awoken from my prideful slumber and am trying to turn my world back right-side up, and nothing is working. Frighteningly, she does not seem to be the same woman I knew just days prior to the incident. There is so much more I could share. But I think this is long enough for now. If you have other questions I could try to answer it for you.

 

Please, if there is anyone out there with some way to help me gain back the Goddess I once took for granted, I will be forever in your debt. Please anyone. Yes there were bad times, but is outweighed by the good times which were extremely memorable and I loved spending time with her, hearing her laugh at my jokes while grocery shopping, or looking for Christmas/birthday gifts for family, walking through the mall, and visiting other members and having dinner with them, and talking about deep doc with her. I’ve pictured our lives and future children together for the longest time, and it would kill me to think that she’s preparing herself to seek and seal herself to another. Please, if anyone has stories of how something in my state can be redeemed, I’d love to hear it.

About a year ago I had contemplated a divorce.  I had had many fights with my wife.  But basically the love left our marriage and we stopped fighting.  we stopped loving. We lived together but that was about it for about 10 years.  Then some worse things happened.  I almost lost my wife.

If you want her back, you need to do some serious changing.  It can happen.  I did some serious changing.  I am still changing, but I made some serious changes last year.

1) You have to love her.  It is going to be hard because she is sick and tired of your selfish actions.  So it is going to take patience.  You have to respect her desire to be away from you.

2) You can't fight any more.  Shoot, you really can't hardly argue any more.  When you speak with her, you are going to have to shut your dumb pie hole and listen.  Really listen.  You no longer have the right to fight back.  Really you never had the right in the first place.  Happy couples don't fight. They discuss.  They discuss in a loving manner with respect.  You have to make a promise to yourself and the Lord that you will never fight with her again.  That you will treat her as the Goddess you say she is.  

3) You have to understand that she does not make you mad.  You let yourself become mad because you don't have a grip on your feelings.

4) You have to give up hope.  Turn yourself over to the Lord.  Only through his help do you stand a chance to getting her back.  You have to accept that you might not get her back.

5)  After you have accepted that you might not get her back you have to truly devote yourself to improving you.

6) If she agrees to try again, put what you learned in the 5 love languages to work.  Give up all of your selfishness.  No more video games, no more porn, no more wasting time.  Put yourself to work, cleaning house, making meals, spending time with her, fixing things around the house.  Buy her flowers, etc.

7) if she does let you back.  you have to understand that it will take a lot of time for her to forgive you.  You have to keep doing good, showing love to her regardless of whether she shows any in return.  this could take 6 months or even a year or more of doing this before she melts.

😎 If you really love her, then love her with all you got always.  Don't be complacent in your love.  Don't think it is good enough.  It is never good enough. Think of ways to show her love every day.  Right now she is pretty upset with you so, trying to do big things right now is not going to win her back.  It is the small things that show her that you have changed.  The everyday things.

9) keep praying and repenting.  She has her agency.  Heavenly Father is not going to force her to come back to you.  You don't deserve her right now.  You need to become the person that does deserve her.  There are lots of people out there that want someone to love them just the way they are.  That is some super selfish thinking right there.  How about instead being someone that you would really want to be with.

 

I wish you the best.  Work on yourself. She might not take you back, but if you fix yourself, and learn from your mistakes. so next time there will be much better love.  

If you want a good serious cry, watch the movie Fireproof.  Some of the things mentioned in the movie can help.  He did a 40 day challenge.  Chances are, you are going to need a lot more time than that.  Be committed.

I am a very different person than I was a year ago.  I live with purpose.  I choose to love my wife every day.  Before I was an idiot and basically tried to just let love happen.  It doesn't.  You have to choose to make it happen.

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I'm sorry it has come to this.  It is possible for things to become good between the two of you, but it requires both of you to work for it.  If she isn't going to do that, it is not in your power to fix it all by yourself.  You can however fix yourself so if you do find yourself single again, you will be far better prepared for your next marriage and better skilled in handling a relationship.  Sometimes you just have to start over, and in the long run that can be a blessing.

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@Lost Boy 

Thanks, I’ve forsaken all my hobbies and have done nothing by watch and listen to General Conference talks and listen to hymns in the car. For nearly 4 months now, that’s all I’ve done. So much that I cannot watch TV, or movies or even listen to regular music on the radio or anywhere. I used to do everything with her, grocery shopping, traveling in the car (we only needed one car until Dec when she wanted separation), being at home, dropping of recycling, Sunday naps, visiting members, and going to church is all traumatizing for me since she’s not around and we did everything together. When a church friend invited me to a theater movie, I had anxiety roller-coaster through me through fight scenes, love scenes and everything else. My friend observed me as suffering PTSD. I don’t want another companion either. I know I took her for granted, but I never despised her. She is more than the blood that runs through my veins, the breath in my lungs, the name of my soul. She is the only one that stands on the other side of my Savior. I strongly hate this feeling of being alone. I want her back so bad. I want to treat her as my queen and always do everything for her. Listen to her every need and want intently, strive to help her relax as much as possible, give cards, flowers, gifts and myself to her as much as she wants and more if I can. But she doesn’t want anything do to with me now. She hates me and I am twice as hurt by that than her absence alone. Even if she had family that needed hospital equipment, I would’ve gladly taken a loan to do such a service. But even then, I don’t know how effective it’ll be for her. I even tried to get her to go through our wedding albums and things with me, and she just wouldn’t have any of it.

Though you are right. As broken and dedicated to change, including whatever change I have already incurred, I will need more time to change permanently. And yes, love is a choice. It’s not a natural thing. Through word and deed must it be made manifest to all people. Especially to the wife. I slacked off on courting her still after marriage and getting to know her more. I’ve made a solemn vow to forever forsake my selfishness and support her all the way. Going through all this, my view of the relationship in marriage has changed heavily, into a brand new, and worthy creed.

 

@ Everyone

I know that a failed/failing marriage can only work and be restored if BOTH parties are willing. In my case, it isn’t. It even destroys me when she says “I know that it can work out and it can get better, but I don’t want to because I choose not to”. I‘ve tried all I can from my end to help with her resentment and working this out with me, and to no avail. But from her end, of her friends and family (essentially mom), it seems they didn’t make much effort, lest it was to divide us more, I don’t know if she gave a far worse description of the issue than it was to her friends and family, thereby them hating me as well I assume, but for now I’ll give her the benefit of the doubt. And to this day, she still hasn’t spoken to anyone else in our ward, not even close friends in other wards. I don’t understand. Throughout our marriage she made me go to counseling with her, or work with me to solve issues even when I would try to avoid them. And now that I want to do these things from my end, not only to save this marriage but to change myself to whom she fell in love with and be much much better, she’s completely against it.  Yes I know that I was constantly stubborn and didn’t reciprocate affection constantly (we are both guilty of this), yet I never gave her an ultimatum of abandoning the marriage ever. For this though, I feel that she had an ultimatum, but didn’t tell me about it. I thought that we were fine looking at and checking out potential homes to buy to advance our lives together. And this “I’m done with this marriage” seems like it came out of nowhere. It feels as though she spent a few months (July to September) working my love language and changing herself excessively (something I noticed, but mistook at the time), then in October, had a conversation with me and it turned into a medium argument incident and that was the last time I stone-walled. And since October, was the “I’m done, its divorce” vs “I’m sorry, I’m changing, please stay” pleadings till last week, when she filed. It’s been a horrid 4 months for me.

 

With whatever time I had to google as much as I could, I couldn’t find stats or stories anywhere about Mormons re-marrying a divorced spouse. I did find a couple of things. But no stories or stats. This scares me because it seems that it never happens. If this is the trend, then probability has it that I’ll never be able to gain her back after it finalizes. Which means whatever time I have until then is my only window. But by the way she’s so resentful toward me, it’s almost evil to describe. While being married to her for the past 7 years, I’ve heard stories, and observed her cut people out of her life, some with whom she’s had strong relationships/friendships with, never contacting them ever again – as though they never existed for her. In the past few weeks I asked her if she was doing the same to me. She answered with a negative sounding “maybe.” The only person I know who broke through her life-long grudging resentment and regained her full love again was her Dad. After her parents had a bad divorce, she hated her father for some time. A few years later as he tried to make amends to support his children, she eventually forgave him and loved him again. She’ll speak highly of him now. I must now give up my mantle of being the luckiest guy in her life, and give it back to her Dad – him being the only one to defeat her grudge dragon.

At this point, no matter what I do, i may not reverse the divorce, unless God send’s strong messengers or visions to her to do so, though quite unlikely. But after the divorce, I’m not sure if she’ll hate me enough to put a restraining order on me if I try to make contact with her. So I’ll give it a few months before I reach out to her. Hope that it won’t be a few months too late if she seeks out another partner. Knowing her, her stubbornness is a double edged sword. With it she gets all her straight A’s and other goals in life. But she also can be immovable in her bad decisions even if she knows it’s wrong. Some may argue we aren’t compatible personalities, hence the divorce. But experience can show, that True Love is a choice of action. It’s not quite an evolution of feeling that happens on its own. We must be proactive to keep the relationship healthy for years, even eternities to come.

 I just wish that there was somebody that would reach out to her and consult her professionally, than just the friends alone whom she’s spoken to. For someone as intelligent and strong as her, its seemed pretty foolish of her to listen to her friends opinions. My wife is still a great person and I’ve see all the good she’s brought into the world. But her change is very very strange. I still love still and want to practice all the things I’ve learned so far to show her how much I love her

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@HelplessOne, may I suggest that you work on individual counseling and better habits because it is the RIGHT thing to do.  Not to convince someone else of something-- do NOT do it to "win her back", but because just because it is the right thing to do.   

35 minutes ago, HelplessOne said:

With whatever time I had to google as much as I could, I couldn’t find stats or stories anywhere about Mormons re-marrying a divorced spouse.

Why are you running these searches?   They will only result in you torturing yourself.  You need to focus on being a better man of God.

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59 minutes ago, HelplessOne said:

@Lost Boy 

 

Thanks, I’ve forsaken all my hobbies and have done nothing by watch and listen to General Conference talks and listen to hymns in the car. For nearly 4 months now, that’s all I’ve done. So much that I cannot watch TV, or movies or even listen to regular music on the radio or anywhere. I used to do everything with her, grocery shopping, traveling in the car (we only needed one car until Dec when she wanted separation), being at home, dropping of recycling, Sunday naps, visiting members, and going to church is all traumatizing for me since she’s not around and we did everything together. When a church friend invited me to a theater movie, I had anxiety roller-coaster through me through fight scenes, love scenes and everything else. My friend observed me as suffering PTSD. I don’t want another companion either. I know I took her for granted, but I never despised her. She is more than the blood that runs through my veins, the breath in my lungs, the name of my soul. She is the only one that stands on the other side of my Savior. I strongly hate this feeling of being alone. I want her back so bad. I want to treat her as my queen and always do everything for her. Listen to her every need and want intently, strive to help her relax as much as possible, give cards, flowers, gifts and myself to her as much as she wants and more if I can. But she doesn’t want anything do to with me now. She hates me and I am twice as hurt by that than her absence alone. Even if she had family that needed hospital equipment, I would’ve gladly taken a loan to do such a service. But even then, I don’t know how effective it’ll be for her. I even tried to get her to go through our wedding albums and things with me, and she just wouldn’t have any of it.

 

Though you are right. As broken and dedicated to change, including whatever change I have already incurred, I will need more time to change permanently. And yes, love is a choice. It’s not a natural thing. Through word and deed must it be made manifest to all people. Especially to the wife. I slacked off on courting her still after marriage and getting to know her more. I’ve made a solemn vow to forever forsake my selfishness and support her all the way. Going through all this, my view of the relationship in marriage has changed heavily, into a brand new, and worthy creed.

 

 

 

@ Everyone

 

I know that a failed/failing marriage can only work and be restored if BOTH parties are willing. In my case, it isn’t. It even destroys me when she says “I know that it can work out and it can get better, but I don’t want to because I choose not to”. I‘ve tried all I can from my end to help with her resentment and working this out with me, and to no avail. But from her end, of her friends and family (essentially mom), it seems they didn’t make much effort, lest it was to divide us more, I don’t know if she gave a far worse description of the issue than it was to her friends and family, thereby them hating me as well I assume, but for now I’ll give her the benefit of the doubt. And to this day, she still hasn’t spoken to anyone else in our ward, not even close friends in other wards. I don’t understand. Throughout our marriage she made me go to counseling with her, or work with me to solve issues even when I would try to avoid them. And now that I want to do these things from my end, not only to save this marriage but to change myself to whom she fell in love with and be much much better, she’s completely against it.  Yes I know that I was constantly stubborn and didn’t reciprocate affection constantly (we are both guilty of this), yet I never gave her an ultimatum of abandoning the marriage ever. For this though, I feel that she had an ultimatum, but didn’t tell me about it. I thought that we were fine looking at and checking out potential homes to buy to advance our lives together. And this “I’m done with this marriage” seems like it came out of nowhere. It feels as though she spent a few months (July to September) working my love language and changing herself excessively (something I noticed, but mistook at the time), then in October, had a conversation with me and it turned into a medium argument incident and that was the last time I stone-walled. And since October, was the “I’m done, its divorce” vs “I’m sorry, I’m changing, please stay” pleadings till last week, when she filed. It’s been a horrid 4 months for me.

 

 

 

With whatever time I had to google as much as I could, I couldn’t find stats or stories anywhere about Mormons re-marrying a divorced spouse. I did find a couple of things. But no stories or stats. This scares me because it seems that it never happens. If this is the trend, then probability has it that I’ll never be able to gain her back after it finalizes. Which means whatever time I have until then is my only window. But by the way she’s so resentful toward me, it’s almost evil to describe. While being married to her for the past 7 years, I’ve heard stories, and observed her cut people out of her life, some with whom she’s had strong relationships/friendships with, never contacting them ever again – as though they never existed for her. In the past few weeks I asked her if she was doing the same to me. She answered with a negative sounding “maybe.” The only person I know who broke through her life-long grudging resentment and regained her full love again was her Dad. After her parents had a bad divorce, she hated her father for some time. A few years later as he tried to make amends to support his children, she eventually forgave him and loved him again. She’ll speak highly of him now. I must now give up my mantle of being the luckiest guy in her life, and give it back to her Dad – him being the only one to defeat her grudge dragon.

At this point, no matter what I do, i may not reverse the divorce, unless God send’s strong messengers or visions to her to do so, though quite unlikely. But after the divorce, I’m not sure if she’ll hate me enough to put a restraining order on me if I try to make contact with her. So I’ll give it a few months before I reach out to her. Hope that it won’t be a few months too late if she seeks out another partner. Knowing her, her stubbornness is a double edged sword. With it she gets all her straight A’s and other goals in life. But she also can be immovable in her bad decisions even if she knows it’s wrong. Some may argue we aren’t compatible personalities, hence the divorce. But experience can show, that True Love is a choice of action. It’s not quite an evolution of feeling that happens on its own. We must be proactive to keep the relationship healthy for years, even eternities to come.

 

 I just wish that there was somebody that would reach out to her and consult her professionally, than just the friends alone whom she’s spoken to. For someone as intelligent and strong as her, its seemed pretty foolish of her to listen to her friends opinions. My wife is still a great person and I’ve see all the good she’s brought into the world. But her change is very very strange. I still love still and want to practice all the things I’ve learned so far to show her how much I love her

 

Dude, you have to let go.  You want something that you don't have control over.  Be kind to her but accept what is.  

One of the things that helped me the most was accepting that I can't control what the other person does.  I can only control me.  If she didn't care for me after my changing, it wouldn't stop me from becoming a better person.  My formula for fixing a relationship is no guarantee.  If the hurt runs really deep, there won't be any getting back together.  My guess is that she hid her pain well, but was very hurt by things you did.  Hurt to the point that the love isn't there.

And if the love isn't there, there is no point in trying to be romantic in any way shape or form.  Just be kind to her.  Give her her space.  Don't try to push the relationship.  If you do, you will only push it away.  Can it be fixed?  Probably not.  Life goes on.  And how life goes on is up to you.  The purpose of this life is for you to find Joy.  Beating yourself up over your actions is not going to get you far.  You can't fix it.  You can only change what is going to happen.  So work on that.  When the divorce comes you are going to have to figure out how to live happy.  

Your first inclination is going to be to let her have everything.  You are probably thinking this because it was you who screwed up.  Well it wasn't only you, it was her, too.  Don't walk away from the divorce with nothing.   Also, you should set yourself up to be happy.  Yes, it hurts.  It sucks.  Your life is without meaning.  But you have to come to your senses at some point and realize that life does have meaning without her.  Put yourself in a position where you can succeed.   Giving her everything is not going to make you feel better.  So make sure you have a good lawyer.  He will be able to think when you can't.

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@Jane_Doe

You're right. I should just let it be, and focus on me. I've been getting help through counseling and getting help from brethren in the ward, and my Bishop. I have also been reading some self-help books too, besides scriptures and prayers.

It's that when i've looked back at the past three months, i've notice that there were some things i missed and other things that i did wrong that might have helped her. And so i saw that even though she filed, there still may be a chance to do something before it gets finalized. Its this whole other thing. But i humbly beg your pardon for my desperation.  Its that as much as i try to speak to her, she doesn't give me straight answers, and just walks away or hangs up mid conversation. So i end up looking for definitions else where of what she last said to me. I just don't want to look back further down the road and realize that there was something more i could've done. Which is kind of one of my regrets about my marriage right now. But yes, focus on me getting better as a Son of God

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1 minute ago, HelplessOne said:

@Jane_Doe

You're right. I should just let it be, and focus on me. I've been getting help through counseling and getting help from brethren in the ward, and my Bishop. I have also been reading some self-help books too, besides scriptures and prayers.

It's that when i've looked back at the past three months, i've notice that there were some things i missed and other things that i did wrong that might have helped her. And so i saw that even though she filed, there still may be a chance to do something before it gets finalized. Its this whole other thing. But i humbly beg your pardon for my desperation.  Its that as much as i try to speak to her, she doesn't give me straight answers, and just walks away or hangs up mid conversation. So i end up looking for definitions else where of what she last said to me. I just don't want to look back further down the road and realize that there was something more i could've done. Which is kind of one of my regrets about my marriage right now. But yes, focus on me getting better as a Son of God

Your acts desperation is destroying things.  Stop it.

The best thing you can do right now is to become a better man of God.  Focus on developing those habits.  Give her space (as she asked for), while you better yourself.  

Yes, I know this is hard to back off-- trust me, I have totally been there.  But sometimes it is the best thing to do.  

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I only have one advice for you, HelplessOne.  Put 100% of your efforts into loving her for what you can offer her and 0% of your efforts into loving her for what she can offer you.  This means, that you are going to continue to love her even if she doesn't love you back and you're going to continue to do things that bring her closer to Christ (because that's where joy is found) as much as she'll allow, even if that thing is nothing more than to pray for her happiness.  It is when you forget yourself and find happiness in your service to your loved one that you, yourself, will find peace.  If your happiness depends upon what she can do for you, then you will never be truly happy.  And not being truly happy leads to frustration and anger and all those negative things you have done in the past 7 years which is just going to keep the cycle for the next 7 years (with her or with another person).

Edited by anatess2

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@anatess2

Thank you for your loving and hopeful response. I know that if we both would work toward the Lord in the marriage triangular relationship that we would automatically draw closer to each other as we worked on drawing closer to the Lord. She’s usually quite spiritual, but she’s avoiding communication with me. She’s drawn away from me completely, treating me like a stranger she never knew. I expect nothing out of her in this state of hers, but continue to pray for her multiple times a day, so that she can find peace and soften her heart. I have come to accept the possibility of both outcomes, yet I harbor no ill feelings toward her. I am sad for us both, me being the cause of this ordeal, but I still love her madly. I know that people have given advice to let her go, and not beat myself up so much, and move on. But for her being my first girlfriend turned wife, its not easy at all. I feel like she’s the left side of my brain.

I know I’ve hurt her. And that’s why I want to comfort and heal her with my repentant self, and show her all the love I have for her, perpetually. Though I know I’m not perfect from just a few months through this trial, but I’ve learned much and am converted to many things. I’d feel like that’d be part of my repentance process of restitution, to restore, or heal that which I had broken, her precious heart. I’ve done it before when she allowed me and it would be a pleasant union for both of us, but she’s different now. I have so much to offer her while expecting nothing out of her, though she’s not around to accept and embrace it. I’m not trying to compensate for 7 years, but to improve anything possible for the sake of more happiness and joy from here on out. But all I can do for now is Pray. If she'd allow me to do loving things for her so that we could get closer to Christ together, I'm more than ready. At this point, some say I may just have to start over. Though I’d like to start over with her, and I don’t even care if it may be false hope, I’d rather have something instead of nothing right now.

I am continuing to work on myself and draw closer to my Savior and better myself in responsive communication, and educate myself more on relationships. I appreciate any positive feedback from anyone. Thank you.

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This coming Tuesday Morning is the court date when everything will end. And there's nothing i can do.

These past couple of weeks were devastatingly hard, cleaning my things out of the apartment. I kept finding old birthday, valentines and anniversary cards, and other thank you cards with beautiful messages of love and gratefulness inside. Right now its breaking me apart typing this, because she's been a completely different person toward me, full of hatred. I really want my Brilliant loving wife back. This is worse than a nightmare. It feels like a dream ill never get back. The love of my life has figuratively died, and it seems she's been replaced by a mean clone. This is truly worse than death. Where you know that even the dead is still loving you through the veil. But in divorce, they aren't dead and while living won't spare you a chance, but they've taken all their love from you. I would dream of Her and I dressed white raising our eternal families in the eternities while building our worlds and what not. We would talk for hours at a time about the mysteries of God and deep doctrine from the temple. We weren't always distant, but we did spend quality time together as well.

I thank everyone who had written positive messages in this thread. I am feeling my Mother's pain of being abandoned by a God who has the power to restore things, but wont. I have wept like a broken child everyday, and said many many prayers for direction and answers each day. And I'm still weeping and praying. I know that my Lord knows of my woes. And i know he can comfort me. Had i known this was the capability of the heart of this woman, i would have thought twice before marrying her. I took her to be way way more kind and patient than i thought. We are both guilty for something or another, But I'm taking the blame for this last event that. She's also admitted to a little fault of her own, but she's given up treating this like a 7 year serious boyfriend-girlfriend relationship - and not a temple marriage.

As time passed by, i shared my story with more and more people. Some have speculated that she had taken advice from gossiping friends. Friends that aren't members or aren't going to church. She herself hasn't really gone to church since December. Its hard to know how to reach and help her. She's pretty intelligent, which is why i'm not too worried about her spirituality. I don't know if she gained any positive encouragement from anywhere. Or if she took divorce as a form of positive encouragement. She just doesn't want to speak. I have been praying multiple times a day not only for my own peace, but for her heart and mind as well. Its not the divorce that i don't want, its her - i don't want to lose her, i want her back and i want out love to grow again, to have a family with her and live near her parents and we all grow old together. I love her and miss her so much. Does it have to be this way? is there no other way to be together again? I'm so alone and empty.

Thank you everyone for your positive posts and prayers.

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7 hours ago, HelplessOne said:

Had i known this was the capability of the heart of this woman, i would have thought twice before marrying her.

 

7 hours ago, HelplessOne said:

I took her to be way way more kind and patient than i thought.

 

7 hours ago, HelplessOne said:

She's also admitted to a little fault of her own, but she's given up treating this like a 7 year serious boyfriend-girlfriend relationship - and not a temple marriage.

I could quote more parts of your posts, but this is sufficient enough. These statements are indicative that your pride is still very present. From your explanation of the events, a lot of what has happened was a result of your pride/lack of communication during your years with her. Of course marriage is a 2-way commitment and it is not always the case that it is only one person's fault (although there are instances--i.e., abuse), but from the things you have described, you were essentially emotionally abusing your wife. Again, this is just my perception of your posts. 

So take a good hard look at these statements and realize you're being very bitter and prideful about the situation still. I understand it's hard not to be, especially considering your tendency to sink into that prideful mentality. But if you want to start moving forward in healthy way, you need to learn how to better work through your prideful thoughts and recognize them for what they are. 

As others have said, you cannot change her mind. She has made that very clear. It is best that you move forward with your life, bettering yourself, and accepting the consequences of how you treated many situations over your years of marriage with her.

I wish you the best of luck on this new journey in your life. God will not restore something that would require taking control of another's agency. This is not His fault. Turn to Him in your time of sorrow and growth, and He will make you to be who you are capable of being. 

Edited by BeccaKirstyn

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Take your lumps, learn your lessons, and move on, my friend. I don't mean this as coldly as it probably sounds. It's just the bottom line that you have to get to. Quit mooning over your soon-to-be ex-wife. Let her go, and wish her the best of luck. Then move on. Work on yourself, whatever issues you identified.

It might be worth taking a hard look at your current wife, putting aside the "Goddess" thing, and seeing her as she really is, warts and all. As they say, it takes two to tango, and even if you think the ruined marriage was primarily your fault, she had input, too. It might be worth identifying some of her traits that contributed to the death of what should have been an eternal marriage. Then try to figure out if those same qualities were attractive to you. If so—that means you have to unlearn some harmful lessons you picked up along the way growing up and learn to choose the women you date better.

Self-reflection and even self-criticism are fine. Be a man, see things as they are, accept your fault, and go from there. But endlessly beating yourself up does not help you, her, or anyone else. Move on. One foot after the other. Life goes on, so go with it. Mourn as much as you need to, but don't wallow. Assume she's not coming back, because the odds are overwhelmingly in that direction. Live your life without her. Go off in a new direction.

In case I forgot to mention it, the key words here are: Move on.

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22 hours ago, HelplessOne said:

Does it have to be this way? is there no other way to be together again? I'm so alone and empty.

Yes, probably not, and I'm sorry.  This will stink for a long time.  Pain of an ended relationship hurts, and it can hurt for a long time.  

Any attempt to change course, IMO, should revolve around counseling.  Any sign she wants to talk or change plans or anything, should be an opportunity to meet at counseling.  It probably won't happen.  Sorry.

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On 2/15/2019 at 6:00 PM, HelplessOne said:

This coming Tuesday Morning is the court date when everything will end. And there's nothing i can do.

These past couple of weeks were devastatingly hard, cleaning my things out of the apartment. I kept finding old birthday, valentines and anniversary cards, and other thank you cards with beautiful messages of love and gratefulness inside. Right now its breaking me apart typing this, because she's been a completely different person toward me, full of hatred. I really want my Brilliant loving wife back. This is worse than a nightmare. It feels like a dream ill never get back. The love of my life has figuratively died, and it seems she's been replaced by a mean clone. This is truly worse than death. Where you know that even the dead is still loving you through the veil. But in divorce, they aren't dead and while living won't spare you a chance, but they've taken all their love from you. I would dream of Her and I dressed white raising our eternal families in the eternities while building our worlds and what not. We would talk for hours at a time about the mysteries of God and deep doctrine from the temple. We weren't always distant, but we did spend quality time together as well.

I thank everyone who had written positive messages in this thread. I am feeling my Mother's pain of being abandoned by a God who has the power to restore things, but wont. I have wept like a broken child everyday, and said many many prayers for direction and answers each day. And I'm still weeping and praying. I know that my Lord knows of my woes. And i know he can comfort me. Had i known this was the capability of the heart of this woman, i would have thought twice before marrying her. I took her to be way way more kind and patient than i thought. We are both guilty for something or another, But I'm taking the blame for this last event that. She's also admitted to a little fault of her own, but she's given up treating this like a 7 year serious boyfriend-girlfriend relationship - and not a temple marriage.

As time passed by, i shared my story with more and more people. Some have speculated that she had taken advice from gossiping friends. Friends that aren't members or aren't going to church. She herself hasn't really gone to church since December. Its hard to know how to reach and help her. She's pretty intelligent, which is why i'm not too worried about her spirituality. I don't know if she gained any positive encouragement from anywhere. Or if she took divorce as a form of positive encouragement. She just doesn't want to speak. I have been praying multiple times a day not only for my own peace, but for her heart and mind as well. Its not the divorce that i don't want, its her - i don't want to lose her, i want her back and i want out love to grow again, to have a family with her and live near her parents and we all grow old together. I love her and miss her so much. Does it have to be this way? is there no other way to be together again? I'm so alone and empty.

Thank you everyone for your positive posts and prayers.

There is a lot of what you want.  But what about her wants?  there are probably a lot of things that she wanted that you didn't deliver on.  It sounds to me that you have both been very selfish in your behavior.

You pray to the Lord for help, but I think the help that you want, the Lord can give you.  The Lord can help you, but it has to be his way.  And his way is allowing your wife to have her agency.  He isn't going to force her to do something.  So you have to accept that she is gone and is not part of your life.

Yes, it sucks beyond compare.  But you aren't the first that has gone through this.  Not in the least.  You will get over this.  You got to let go of those things you can't have and can't control.

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Late as I am to the discussion, I have a couple pennies to toss in.

Maybe that court hearing is happening at this very moment as I type.  That thought is a sad one, but maybe there are still useful things here to learn for future use.

I read the entire original post and much of the following, and the themes that I picked up were "I'll do anything to get her back" and "I know I screwed up so how can I Make her see I'm different?"  The word "desperate" also came up a few times.

That leaves a bad taste in my mouth, because it kind of makes the wife an object of desire, a prize to be won, as it were.  It also feels like the OP's thoughts are all very self-centered.  It sounds like lots of effort was made to "win" back her affections or to "earn" it, in a way that it feels formulaic.  "I did x, y and z, but she still won't take me back!  What's wrong???"

The answer is this:  It sounds like the biggest pain she was feeling during the time they were together was feeling powerless during these fights when he'd shut down emotionally on her.  She must have felt like nothing she could do would be enough to get through the barrier until he decided it was time to open back up to her emotionally.  He controlled when emotions would be shared, he controlled the intimacy level.  What power did she have?  None at all.  It's no wonder her mantra is now "It's my choice."  She finally found a way to feel empowered and she won't give that up.  She couldn't stop the emotional distance, the verbal abuse or the lack of intimacy, but she's in the driver's seat now, and she's not relinquishing that.  

The toxic part of all this is that it's a power struggle and has been the entire time.  He had the power before, she has it now.  When he makes an effort to contact her, to talk to her, to see her at work... It feels to her like an attempt by him to regain that control.  (Not saying that's his motive, just that it's how it might look to her.)  Even after things blew up, it's all about what he wants.  He wants her back.  He wants to talk to her.  He wants to see her.  He wants to reconcile.  He wants this and that and all the other things she's not in a position emotionally to give, even if she wanted to.  From what I can see, at no time has he given her reason to think that he honors her agency.

Of course, all we know is one side of the story in what can be told in a few long forum posts, but that's just what jumps out at me.   

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But who she is now, the bitter version, is so cruel toward me, its hard to describe the drastic change.








This is worse than a nightmare. It feels like a dream ill never get back. The love of my life has figuratively died, and it seems she's been replaced by a mean clone.








Had i known this was the capability of the heart of this woman, i would have thought twice before marrying her. I took her to be way way more kind and patient than i thought.








As time passed by, i shared my story with more and more people. Some have speculated that she had taken advice from gossiping friends. Friends that aren't members or aren't going to church. She herself hasn't really gone to church since December.





I'm very sorry you are going through this. I read all your messages and even though you admitted a lot of the things you have done, you writing seems to point fault mainly to your wife which makes me believe that I don't think you realize the damage and extent of your actions. The fact that you might be going to Church every Sunday does not make you spiritual superior to your spouse and even though you didn't say that, the fact that you mentioned she has not been to Church since December is very telling. The fact that you think that some people are speculating that she has been taken advise from gossiping friends (hence her behavior) tells me how truly disconnected you are from what took place.

You seem surprised that she would seek a divorce even though you admitted psychological abuse. Why is it that you are surprised? I am not trying to be mean, but in order to understand why she decided to divorce, you need some serious introspection. Your wife is clearly angry, and behind anger there is only one thing: HURT.

She didn't change overnight, all of this didn't take place during "one fight". This has been going on for a very long time, the problem is that you are now paying attention.

I suggest some personal counseling to deal with the hurt that you are now feeling. You deserve to be happy, and she deserves it as well. It doesn't mean it will happen with the both of you together. I also strongly suggest to back off, forcing her to talk with you will turn her off even more and you might get into serious legal issues if she finds your behavior as harassment.

It is time to think about yourself and move on from there. All the best.


Edited by Suzie

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