Inactive and dating someone who wants to be involved in the church


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Hey, this is my first post here! So hi.

To start, I had a very rough childhood in the church. I've always been a little unique and quirky and headstrong, which for some reason made me the target of a lot of bullying. I never did anything "bad" in the eyes of the church growing up but in a conservative area a lot of friend's parents said I was the bad example for things like being too busy on my soccer team to go to mutual, or coloring my hair weird colors, or my lack of dating in high school meant I must be gay, etc. (I'm a girl, btw lol) A lot of the teachings were being forced at me in such a negative manner that I never had the chance to consider them from a thoughtful perspective because everything began to seem like an attack. The only time I felt mildly appreciated for my personality and drive to have dreams and a career was when Uchtdorf gave his talk about the church needing the different individuals, those with different perspectives. However, this didn't change how shallow people were towards me growing up and I was pushed out of the church more and more. Attending BYU-I was one of the final nails in the coffin with what a terrible experience I had there and how unhappy it made me. I think it's been about two years now since I've attended church at all. Since I moved away from my hometown to go to college there have only been negative rumors spread about me how I must have left since I was pregnant, or I just left because I wanted to have a lot of sex and start drinking, etc. Many of these were started by family friends. I didn't go inactive because I care about drinking or smoking, neither of which I do, I went because the culture continually forced me out and people said there wasn't a place for people like me. It was hard to associate the beliefs with anything positive when I was made to feel miserable when I went.

I started dating this guy and we got involved wayyy too fast because the feelings were so strong. He decided the church is really important to him and initially this hurt me because of my personal experiences and how I've been treated. He felt he couldn't make me happy because he wants a life in the church and I haven't had good experiences. However, I like him enough that I'm beginning to consider going again and being more open minded to it. He wants me to go because I want to go, which I can't say I want to necessarily but this is the first time in years I've felt more open-minded and curious about attending and not instantly filled with dread or stress at the thought of it. I have always appreciated the values the church has more than the super specific doctrine stuff - things like compassion, love, understanding, service, etc. He had an amazing childhood in the church with no negative experiences, and I wish I could say the same. The way my family has been ostracized and bullied for our uniqueness has been a real struggle and it has affected our beliefs in varying degrees. We spent the longest time in Provo and Rexburg when I was a kid, which I know the church there is much different than the church elsewhere. 

I would just appreciate a perspective and advice from people still going to church. I have a lot of friends at college who aren't religious who think I'm stupid for even considering going again and I'm even scared to tell some people I am going to try going with him at least once to see how I feel. 

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Quirky lady writing here.  One that never fit into mutual "in group", never dated in HS or undergrad.  Who doesn't color in the invisible boxes.  Who attended BYU-I for 3 semesters I quit because the culture there literally drove my sucididal and wrecked my faith in the community aspects of the church.  And then took 2 years off from church to heal.  

For me, I did come back to church because my testimony is between *me* and *God*, and I'm not going to let idiots stand in my way.  I no longer care what other people think or say.  I'm going to come to church because I love God.  I love the Gospel.  The Eternal Truths resonate me and enrich my life.  

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Well hello and welcome! 

I'm sorry those things happened to you.  I think you'll find a variety of different perspectives here and some real weirdos!  (Myself included.)

I've found that different areas and different wards tend to vary wildly on the way people are.  My current ward is awesome.  I always feel at home there even though I'm  the guy who runs Dungeons & Dragons games, wears a Space Marine suit to the church Halloween  Fall Festival party, and never wears a white shirt and tie.  (Blue shirt and tie maybe).

Meanwhile 2 of the 3 of my kids who are  grown are inactive because of experiences they had in their ward after they moved out of state with their mom.  (Oh yeah, I'm divorced too.)  Apparently the people in that ward were snooty and cliquish.  

So for what it's worth, there are jerks everywhere (inside and outside our Church... remember the Gospel is for everyone, even them) and sometimes they travel in herds.  I think you should either look at it the way @Jane_Doe does, or maybe find another ward.  Or heck, you could always seek out that person who pretends to go with the crowd but would LOVE to show you their wicked cool skull tattoo!  They just need someone like you, who they feel is safe to talk to.

 

Edited by unixknight
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I'm "quirky" too.  Put aside the bullying and bad behavior.  Do you believe the Church is the restored Church of Jesus Christ?  If so, the things that drove you away are less important (I'm not saying they don't matter).  If the answer is no, do you desire to believe the Church is the restored Church of Jesus Christ?  If so, then you have to learn to get past the bad feelings and focus on developing that testimony.  If the answer is no, then why bother at all?  Sure, you could fake it and hope that you will someday desire to, but that isn't fair to him.  He's made it clear what is important to him.

Now, if you DO believe the Church is the restored Church of Jesus Christ, then the faults and behaviors of others, while painful, matter less.  You have a voice, use it.  Follow the Prophet.  If others aren't, and are directing that negative behavior at you, explain lovingly to them why you're distancing yourself from them.  Continue to attend Church for your relationship with CHRIST, not Mr. Gossip.  Serve others and carry out your calling for your blessings from Heavenly Father.  Christ commands us to do many things.  He doesn't say it's OK not to do them because your feelings get hurt.  Rise above and be stronger for it.  After all, that's why we're here.

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Guest MormonGator

If the LDS church was more accepting of people who didn't fit the traditional mold, happiness and activity rates would skyrocket.Take notes everyone-how you treat people who don't fit the traditional LDS stereotype matters. A lot. And saying "just pray about it" or "Shut up and go because it's true" or whatever does nothing. We need to form relationships based on caring, brotherhood/sisterhood, and love. 

I can off you no advice, but you are in my prayers big time, and you are not alone. Sending love and prayers. 

Edited by MormonGator
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First, welcome. I'm sorry you've experienced those things. There was a time that I didn't feel like I fit in the Church but I kept going because I knew there was a place for me in the Gospel. Some other thoughts:

~ "what you focus on gets bigger" so put more emphasis on those that treated you well, the good things that happened, etc 

~ "kill em with kindness"

~ "But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you" - Matthew 5:44

~ get out of the 'Mormon corridor'

~ go anyway 

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8 hours ago, Jane_Doe said:

Quirky lady writing here.  One that never fit into mutual "in group", never dated in HS or undergrad.  Who doesn't color in the invisible boxes.  Who attended BYU-I for 3 semesters I quit because the culture there literally drove my sucididal and wrecked my faith in the community aspects of the church.  And then took 2 years off from church to heal.  

PS-  I'm also a professional evolutionary biologist.    I do wear pants to church when I feel like it (aka when my skirt gets eaten by the laundry gremlins).  I play video games, jam out to Linkin Park, play D&D, am "one of the guys", am married to a non-member, and do Sudoku all during church to help me focus. And no, I don't do Relief Society crafts.  No I don't have any musical talent.  Nor do I traditionally* cook anything fancier than spaghetti.

And I am still totally a daughter of God.  I sing "My Savior Loves Me" in my own voice, and no one else's.  

 

*Traditionally being a key word here-- my daughter LOVES to cook so now I do cook with her on our regular mommy-daughter dates.  

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