Heart

Brother in law living with us

Recommended Posts

i know the good lord wants us to take care of family and I also realize your spouse is considered 2nd to god so my question is my husband and I have been married less than a year and his brother lived here with us for awhile and it felt like their was no privacy so eventually he moved out and now he may end up coming back and I'm concerned about my marriage. I'm confused what should be our focus our marriage or the brother in law. We live in an apartment so rather small quarters we have been unsuccessful at finding somewhere and only have until the first. No other family members are willing to step up and help as we have found him a place by his daughter he can get into on the 1st of February but we have been unable to get a co signer that needs to be on there for 6 months. I'm lost at what to do?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

This isn't about your BIL, this is about the way you surface and resolve issues with your husband.  If you can fix that, you'll be able to resolve your BIL issue without having to go ask the advice of a bunch of anonymous folks on an message board.

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I just gave you advice, Heart.  My advice is that you focus on improving your ability to surface and resolve issues with your husband.  If you can do that, then you will be able to surface and resolve the issue of your bil living with you.   

I mean, I know it's not the advice you wanted to hear, but it's the advice I am offering.  I wish you and hubby the best.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
6 hours ago, Heart said:

Did that, I guess I have to deal with him being here or leave

And that is the marriage problem they are talking about.  You and your husband should be one and able to be adults and work through disagreements to come to mutually acceptable arrangement.  The fact that you feel this way is the red flag that your marriage is failing and needs to be fixed.  Your BIL might be the stressor that brought your marriage flaws into view but he is not the cause of such flaws.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
14 hours ago, Heart said:

I'm confused what should be our focus our marriage or the brother in law.

By a very long way your marriage is far, far more important than your relationship with your brother in law and your husband's relationship with you is far more important than his relationship with his brother. Your husband needs to understand this. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Your BIL I assume is an adult and mentally competent.  Your marriage is your priority.  Help him as best you can without making it damaging to the marriage.  You could consider perhaps having him stay for a short period of time but only with a firm move out date and a plan to accomplish that.  Having him stay for good doesn't sound feasible.  He can go to the church for help as well and he has to be responsible for himself.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

ANd just to re-emphasise a point that @Latter-Day Marriage has made: It's a good general rule for life not to get into something until you have first formulated an exit plan for how you can later get out of whatever you are getting into. In this context it means not letting your BIL stay with you until you have first prepared an exit plan for how and when he will go. Such a plan might include a list of red-line behaviours which, if engaged in, lead to him immediately being asked to move, a planned series of regular discussions in which you and your husband set aside time to honestly discuss whatever impact the presence of your BIL might be having on each of you individually and as a couple, a series of goals or steps that you and your BIL can work towards so that he return to independent living, an end date by which he should be ready to go, and some initial research into other accommodation options that he can move into when he leaves your place. All of this should be part of the exit plan that you and your husband discuss and agree to before you allow your BIL to come back. Remember, don't get into a situation until you have first figured out how to get out of it if you need to do so.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 1/23/2019 at 9:31 PM, Heart said:

Did that, I guess I have to deal with him being here or leave

Your husband needs to choose. His brother or you. 

 

Be be prepared to leave. This early in your marriage,this is a big red flag and deal breaker. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

It's pretty sad that a guy can't help his brother out without losing his wife.  If even your own brother can't help you, then who will?  This is how a welfare state breaks society - instead of seeking the help of your family when you're struggling, your family ends up shoving you to the state because... "privacy".

But then I'm Filipino.  We don't understand the concept of "no privacy" in an apartment with doors.  This is something I sat my husband down before we got married.  Marrying me means - my parents living with us for months at a time.  My siblings with their spouse and kids living with us for months at a time.  Part of my income going to the care of my parents/siblings.  So he knew what he was getting into.

So, @NeuroTypical's advice is the best advice.  This is a test on how you resolve conflict with your spouse and not about the brother-in-law.

Edited by anatess2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I know this is a late, but I don't necessarily agree with those who have commented. Praying to God and talking to your spouse about supporting your BIL should be a priority, not thinking that its a problem in your marriage. You're newly married, so of course having your BIL live with you is going to feel like an invasion of your privacy. There is nothing wrong with what you are feeling. Its completely valid. But definitely keep in mind that our relationship with God is important. Ask Him for guidance because He definitely knows you amd what He is testing you on than the people who comment on this forem. Remember He loves you and is always there for you

Edited by Laurabread
Its not more important than her feelings. But its just as important.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now