Please can you give me some advice on attending church with a baby?


Alia
 Share

Recommended Posts

4 hours ago, Alia said:

My mother never disciplined me I remember her talking me through a few things and explaining what I did wrong but there was never a "made up" punishment from her. I know to discipline a child is loving but I don't see myself doing it. 

Good discipline is never a "made up punishment".  

For example, when my toddler would throw her toys or try to break them, the toy would have to go into time out.  This is a natural consequence of trying to break something.  And it encouraged her to take care of her toys.  If I would not have taught her this, then she would have far few toys.  

Link to comment
Share on other sites

23 hours ago, anatess2 said:

So, let me ask you... what do you think needs be done so that your child will grow up to be a well-mannered person?  You know he isn't well-mannered right now because as you have shared, you can't even take him to a one-hour event that is very important.  How do you think you're going to change that kid from the "embarassing" kid that he is now to a person you'll be comfortable and proud to take out in public?

 

I am not sure but I have convinced my husband to attend a parenting class at my brother's church. I am going to make sure that our son is raised properly. 

 

On 2/13/2019 at 8:06 PM, anatess2 said:

And P.S... I don't have "made up" punishment for my kids.  Rather, we have rules and consequences.  I make rules and give consequences for not following those rules.  These consequences are "practice" so that your child can learn how to behave without needing to experience the DIRE consequences.  For example:  You teach your child obedience.  The consequence for disobedience is your displeasure.  This consequence is a much more survivable consequence than if you don't teach your child obedience, he walks into the middle of a busy street and you yell at him, "Get off the road!"... and since he didn't learn to obey he ignores you which then receives the dire consequence of getting hit by a Mack truck.  Do you understand?

 

I meant that my mom never made up punishments to go along with her rules. If there was a natural consequence, like when I would smash something because I was playing softball in the house then I would have to use my pocket money to replace it. If I was playing softball and I didn't break anything but my mom saw there was no punishment. She never "made up" that I should have a time out for playing softball. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

20 hours ago, unixknight said:

Well said.

It's unclear t ome what is meant by "made up punishment."  I mean, yes, we make up the punishments.  Is that supposed to be a bad thing?

I don't know if it is a bad thing but I am grateful for the way my mom raised me. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

28 minutes ago, Alia said:

I don't know if it is a bad thing but I am grateful for the way my mom raised me. 

So here's your solution.  If it's possible, you need to call your mother and get her to help you with advise on how to raise your own child so you can comfortably take him out in public, especially to Church.  That's actually part of motherhood - to teach your children how to raise theirs.

 

27 minutes ago, Alia said:

I meant that my mom never made up punishments to go along with her rules.

So... one of the rules is, "Don't jump on the sofa".  You jump on the sofa.  So, your mother just let's you break that rule because you didn't break anything?  How does she enforce the rules?  You can ask her that if you don't know how she did it before you learned to obey her rules.

 

By the way, have you thought of my advice to take your kid to the Public Library so he can learn to be reverent?

Edited by anatess2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

4 minutes ago, anatess2 said:

So here's your solution.  If it's possible, you need to call your mother and get her to help you with advise on how to raise your own child so you can comfortably take him out in public, especially to Church.  That's actually part of motherhood - to teach your children how to raise theirs.

Have you thought of my advice to take your kid to the Public Library so he can learn to be reverent?

Yes I have asked my mom for advice before but she always tells me to have more patience with him. If I could I would have my mom come live with me so she could raise him but she spoils him, so it's probably wise that she doesn't come live with us. 

 

I did suggest my husband take our son to the library but I only have Saturday and Sunday with him. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

12 minutes ago, Alia said:

Yes I have asked my mom for advice before but she always tells me to have more patience with him. If I could I would have my mom come live with me so she could raise him but she spoils him, so it's probably wise that she doesn't come live with us. 

Alia, your mom can't raise your child.  She already raised you.  She now gets to have the fun and spoil her grandkid as a reward for her having raised you.  You really shouldn't think of pawning off your responsibility to somebody else so you can just do the fun parts.  Take the advice from your mother and practice patience.

 

Quote

I did suggest my husband take our son to the library but I only have Saturday and Sunday with him. 

It's not your husband that needs the Library.  From what you've stated, your husband has no problem with your child.  You and your son needs that Library time - so you can learn to be patient and your child can learn to be reverent.  Libraries are open on Saturdays.

It's also starting to seem like your son doesn't get much time with you which is a contributor to you not succeeding in being the child's nurturer.  Maybe you can figure out a way to increase that time and put more priority to motherhood.

Edited by anatess2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

 

1 hour ago, Alia said:

Yes I have asked my mom for advice before but she always tells me to have more patience with him. If I could I would have my mom come live with me so she could raise him but she spoils him, so it's probably wise that she doesn't come live with us. 

Every kid is different and what works for one may not work for another. If you were an easy child to raise, your mom may not have any idea what to do if your son is more of a challenge. *Please* spend some time listening to the podcasts/reading the posts on the site I posted earlier. It will help all of you.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

2 hours ago, anatess2 said:

So... one of the rules is, "Don't jump on the sofa".  You jump on the sofa.  So, your mother just let's you break that rule because you didn't break anything?  How does she enforce the rules?  You can ask her that if you don't know how she did it before you learned to obey her rules.

 

My mom didn't have to, I wouldn't have so much as put my feet on the sofa in front of my dad. 

2 hours ago, anatess2 said:

 It's also starting to seem like your son doesn't get much time with you which is a contributor to you not succeeding in being the child's nurturer.  Maybe you can figure out a way to increase that time and put more priority to motherhood.

Yes we barely have any time together, during the week I only see him when I am putting him to bed, and if I work late I don't even see him then. Hopefully, come May I will be taking a Sabbatical from work to spend more time with him.

 

1 hour ago, Manners Matter said:

Every kid is different and what works for one may not work for another. If you were an easy child to raise, your mom may not have any idea what to do if your son is more of a challenge. 

Yes my mom says that my siblings and I were naturally obedient children. My husband and I are going to a parenting class it is more like a course, at my brother's church so I am hopeful that we will figure it out. 

Edited by Alia
Link to comment
Share on other sites

14 hours ago, Alia said:

My mom didn't have to, I wouldn't have so much as put my feet on the sofa in front of my dad. 

Now, why is that?  What would have happened if you did?

 

14 hours ago, Alia said:

Yes we barely have any time together, during the week I only see him when I am putting him to bed, and if I work late I don't even see him then. Hopefully, come May I will be taking a Sabbatical from work to spend more time with him.

That's good.  Hopefully you can work towards making it a permanent situation instead of just a sabbatical.

 

14 hours ago, Alia said:

Yes my mom says that my siblings and I were naturally obedient children. My husband and I are going to a parenting class it is more like a course, at my brother's church so I am hopeful that we will figure it out. 

Hah hah... Your mom is a hoot.  There's no such thing as a "naturally obedient child".

Link to comment
Share on other sites

1 hour ago, anatess2 said:

Now, why is that?  What would have happened if you did?

 

My dad never followed the concept of the punishment should fit the crime. I remember once he caught my brother and I jumping on my bed and he took the mattresses off of our beds and made us sleep on the floor with a sleeping bag for a night. He would come up with punishments whenever he felt like it, but we always knew it would be bad and he would follow through with it. Then there would be a closing lecture, where he explained what he was trying to teach us, which I usually zoned out for. 

 

1 hour ago, anatess2 said:

That's good.  Hopefully you can work towards making it a permanent situation instead of just a sabbatical.

 

Convincing my husband that me taking a sabbatical was a good idea was hard enough. I don't think he would be thrilled by the prospect of me making it permanent. 

 

1 hour ago, anatess2 said:

Hah hah... Your mom is a hoot.  There's no such thing as a "naturally obedient child".

It is true about me at least, I usually only had to be told once. My younger sister was a little terror though, even now I don't think she knows what obedient means. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

4 minutes ago, Alia said:

My dad never followed the concept of the punishment should fit the crime. I remember once he caught my brother and I jumping on my bed and he took the mattresses off of our beds and made us sleep on the floor with a sleeping bag for a night.

Actually, that's brilliant. If you were three years old, then that's pretty harsh. But if you were eight-year-olds, that is the perfect example of making the punishment fit the crime. You abuse your bed, you lose your bed.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Just now, Alia said:

My dad never followed the concept of the punishment should fit the crime. I remember once he caught my brother and I jumping on my bed and he took the mattresses off of our beds and made us sleep on the floor with a sleeping bag for a night. He would come up with punishments whenever he felt like it, but we always knew it would be bad and he would follow through with it. Then there would be a closing lecture, where he explained what he was trying to teach us, which I usually zoned out for. 

There you go.  You weren't "naturally obedient" after all.  Your mom has your dad to thank for it.  And now look at how you talk so kindly about your mom and not as kindly about your dad, when your dad was the one that did the hard work of instilling character in you.  And now you're wanting to inflict the same tragedy on your husband.

 

Just now, Alia said:

Convincing my husband that me taking a sabbatical was a good idea was hard enough. I don't think he would be thrilled by the prospect of me making it permanent. 

Well, you got 2 choices - 1.) continue to spend only 1 hour a day on your own child,   2.) put your foot down and take full responsibility for motherhood in whatever way you can do so.

 

Just now, Alia said:

 

It is true about me at least, I usually only had to be told once. My younger sister was a little terror though, even now I don't think she knows what obedient means. 

All that has to do with upbringing.  Every child has different personalities that impacts their reaction to how one is raised.  That's why parenting is specific to the child.  What works for one child doesn't always work for another.  Your parent's disciplinary method worked on you, it didn't work for your sister.   But to say, the child just naturally behaves himself is delusion.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

2 hours ago, Vort said:

Actually, that's brilliant. If you were three years old, then that's pretty harsh. But if you were eight-year-olds, that is the perfect example of making the punishment fit the crime. You abuse your bed, you lose your bed.

We were 7 or 8 at the time. I think that's a pretty harsh punishment. I haven't heard of anyone else having their bed taken from them for a night. I remember my mom sneaking a pillow into my room so I was more comfortable. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

4 hours ago, anatess2 said:

There you go.  You weren't "naturally obedient" after all.  Your mom has your dad to thank for it.  And now look at how you talk so kindly about your mom and not as kindly about your dad, when your dad was the one that did the hard work of instilling character in you.  And now you're wanting to inflict the same tragedy on your husband.

 

I always loved my dad, he taught me so much. In some ways my relationship with my dad was better than my relationship with my mom. 

 

5 hours ago, anatess2 said:

All that has to do with upbringing.  Every child has different personalities that impacts their reaction to how one is raised.  That's why parenting is specific to the child.  What works for one child doesn't always work for another.  Your parent's disciplinary method worked on you, it didn't work for your sister.   But to say, the child just naturally behaves himself is delusion.

Yes I know that I may not be able to leave all of the discipline to my husband. It is just at the moment I can't imagine telling him off but maybe when he is a bit older it will be more natural to me. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

34 minutes ago, Alia said:

I always loved my dad, he taught me so much. In some ways my relationship with my dad was better than my relationship with my mom. 

 

Yes I know that I may not be able to leave all of the discipline to my husband. It is just at the moment I can't imagine telling him off but maybe when he is a bit older it will be more natural to me. 

Alia, you're heading straight into the Terrible Two's (which actually start at age 18 months).  Even with the best discipline, Terrible Twos are rough.  With no discipline your life will be MISERABLE.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

10 minutes ago, Jane_Doe said:

Alia, you're heading straight into the Terrible Two's (which actually start at age 18 months).  Even with the best discipline, Terrible Twos are rough.  With no discipline your life will be MISERABLE.

My husband does tell him off and he listens to my husband. We are going to a parenting class so I am sure I will learn things I can implement at home.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

2 minutes ago, Alia said:

My husband does tell him off and he listens to my husband. We are going to a parenting class so I am sure I will learn things I can implement at home.

The parenting class is a great idea.  For the Terrible Two's both parents need to be equally pushing the discipline.  

Link to comment
Share on other sites

1 hour ago, Alia said:

It is just at the moment I can't imagine telling him off but maybe when he is a bit older it will be more natural to me.

It's not the "telling off" that's natural. What's natural is loving your son and wanting what's best for him. When you realize that an undisciplined child is disliked by almost everyone, and that many undisciplined children grow up into undisciplined adults—a sure recipe for a disastrous life—your natural love for your son will push you to discipline him. This does not necessarily involve "telling him off"; many argue that those parents who tell their children off are doing a poor job of instilling discipline. But in any case, good discipline will include praise for good actions and an insistence that the necessary good things be done and bad things never allowed, however you wish to enforce this.

In today's western world, especially it seems in Great Britain, physically disciplining your child (e.g. giving a swat or forcibly removing the child from an activity) is frowned upon and even made illegal in some places. I'm all for people not beating up their children, but I find this anti-disciplinary trend deplorable, when a sincere and well-intentioned parent is legally prohibited from exercising discipline, under threat of imprisonment and loss of the child. Find an effective way to discipline your son, both positive discipline and negative discipline, and use it.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

29 minutes ago, Jane_Doe said:

The parenting class is a great idea.  For the Terrible Two's both parents need to be equally pushing the discipline.  

Yes I am really looking forward to it, my brother isn't actually teaching the class (thankfully) but it is at the church where he is a minister so we will be in good hands .

Link to comment
Share on other sites

For the record, I never found the two-year-old period to be "terrible". I thought my two-year-olds were utterly delightful, all five of them. So I'm not really sold on the existence of the "terrible twos". Maybe if you expect your two-year-old to be a miniature adult and instead he acts like a two-year-old, you might find it disconcerting. The problem there would be the parent's ridiculous expectations, not the child's behavior.

I'm not a dog person, but I finally relented and agreed to do what I thought I would never again agree to do: Get a dog. But this time around, I figured out that the dog is basically a two-year-old in dog form. (She's actually two years old, so there's that.) When I realized that this animal was a permanent two-year-old and, though trainable, would never "get past" that level of understanding, it really helped me to relate better to the dog and temper my expectations accordingly.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

25 minutes ago, Vort said:

I'm not a dog person, but I finally relented and agreed to do what I thought I would never again agree to do: Get a dog. But this time around, I figured out that the dog is basically a two-year-old in dog form. (She's actually two years old, so there's that.) When I realized that this animal was a permanent two-year-old and, though trainable, would never "get past" that level of understanding, it really helped me to relate better to the dog and temper my expectations accordingly.

You should have gotten a border collie - then it would be like having a permanent teenager.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

50 minutes ago, Vort said:

It's not the "telling off" that's natural. What's natural is loving your son and wanting what's best for him. When you realize that an undisciplined child is disliked by almost everyone, and that many undisciplined children grow up into undisciplined adults—a sure recipe for a disastrous life—your natural love for your son will push you to discipline him. This does not necessarily involve "telling him off"; many argue that those parents who tell their children off are doing a poor job of instilling discipline. But in any case, good discipline will include praise for good actions and an insistence that the necessary good things be done and bad things never allowed, however you wish to enforce this.

In today's western world, especially it seems in Great Britain, physically disciplining your child (e.g. giving a swat or forcibly removing the child from an activity) is frowned upon and even made illegal in some places. I'm all for people not beating up their children, but I find this anti-disciplinary trend deplorable, when a sincere and well-intentioned parent is legally prohibited from exercising discipline, under threat of imprisonment and loss of the child. Find an effective way to discipline your son, both positive discipline and negative discipline, and use it.

I think it is the punishment concept that I don't like. I never want to punish my son, but that may be because I feel guilty about the lack of time I get to spend with him. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

38 minutes ago, Alia said:

I think it is the punishment concept that I don't like. I never want to punish my son, but that may be because I feel guilty about the lack of time I get to spend with him. 

Earlier you shared the story about your dad taking away your bed for the night because you were jumping on it.  Would you feel guilty for doing the same if your son was jumping on his bed?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

12 hours ago, Vort said:

For the record, I never found the two-year-old period to be "terrible". I thought my two-year-olds were utterly delightful, all five of them. So I'm not really sold on the existence of the "terrible twos". Maybe if you expect your two-year-old to be a miniature adult and instead he acts like a two-year-old, you might find it disconcerting. The problem there would be the parent's ridiculous expectations, not the child's behavior.

I'm not a dog person, but I finally relented and agreed to do what I thought I would never again agree to do: Get a dog. But this time around, I figured out that the dog is basically a two-year-old in dog form. (She's actually two years old, so there's that.) When I realized that this animal was a permanent two-year-old and, though trainable, would never "get past" that level of understanding, it really helped me to relate better to the dog and temper my expectations accordingly.

I am a dog person....and refer to them as toddlers with teeth to get people to understand how dog behaviour works

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

Loading...
 Share