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Hey all, newbie here! Okay, so I just want some advice on what y'all think I should do here. I met a girl last year, we went on a few dates, blah blah blah. We started getting kinda serious when she pulled the "I've decided to go on a mission" card. I've dated a lot of girls but have never clicked with someone so easily before. She had been praying a lot about going on a mission, received pretty heavy revelation that she needed to go, met me, felt conflicted, but ended up deciding that she needed to follow the prompting she felt before. She even said that she wouldn't have gone on a mission had she met me earlier. Anyway, I totally supported her on her decision. Like I said, I really like this girl so I didn't want to drive her away. I tried to break things off with her before she left because she said she didn't want to have a boyfriend on her mission and I knew we were headed in that direction. We still spent all of our time together even though the relationship was less romantic. After awhile she said she did want to keep dating; she said she liked me so much that she didn't care about having a boyfriend on her mission. She left about three months ago. She even called me from the airport before her flight left for her mission. I know 100% that she wants to date me when she gets back. I email her every night and then we email back and forth on p-day. I guess I just don't know how to handle the situation. I know that she wants to date me when she gets back and I want to date her but I don't want to just sit here for a year and a half. It's such a long time and I can't stop thinking about her. She told me that she isn't going to ask me to just wait for her but she said she wouldn't be mad if I did haha. I am definitely bettering myself while she's gone - my scripture studies haven't been this good since my mission. I'm done with school and everything and have a good job. And I feel like I'm really helping her a lot on her mission. I'm not being a distraction at all. Our emails aren't romantic - just like talking to a best friend. I feel like I'm doing everything right but I just can't help but think about her all the time. Any advice? Do I continue to email her every day? I've been on a couple of first dates with other girls but obviously nothing that I want to pursue. Should I even try to date while she's gone? I guess things might get easier over time but it's kind of driving me crazy right now. Obviously, I'm not going to ask her to come home early - that'd be selfish and I think a mission is really good for her. She knows how much I like her and I know how much she likes me. I didn't know until now but I do love her. I didn't want things to get that serious before she left but I'm realizing now that they did. I guess I just want to know what I should do while she's gone to make it easier while still growing our relationship. Any advice is much appreciated!

Edited by Guest

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32 minutes ago, CPTNMORONI said:

I know that she wants to date when she gets back and I want to date her but I don't want to just sit here for a year and a half.

Then let her go.  She's either worth waiting for or she isn't.  From what you're saying it sounds like you don't think she is.

Edited by unixknight

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Fact: Right now you both are not dating.  

Tomorrow: both of you continue living on your independent lives, experiencing life and growing along the way.  Send friendly letters if you want.  

When she gets back: see what happens.  If you two want to date, go for it.

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My advice? Count the days. That's not particularly helpful but your options are pretty limited.

I'll tell you a short version of my story. When I was on my mission I started to develop some feelings for a sister missionary. She was in my district and later she was in my zone. She didn't know, and no one else knew, that I had these feelings, although I learnt much later that a few people had made some guesses. By the time I finished my mission, these feelings had definitely strengthened but as we were both missionaries, it would have been entirely inappropriate for me to say or do anything. I finished my mission a year before she finished hers. Because of how I felt, I didn't want to date anybody when I got back home, I wanted to first see if I had any chance with this sister missionary before I tried developing a relationship with anyone else. However, she was still on her mission, so I couldn't give her any hint of how I felt, even though I really wanted to. All i could do was count the days until she finished her mission. I wrote to her every now and then and my letters to her were pretty much exactly the same as the letters I was occasionally sending to many current and returned missionaries I had served with. I knew when she was going to finish her mission so after praying and pondering about it for several weeks, I prepared a voice tape on which I asked her to marry me, and then made sure it would be waiting for her when she arrived home. 

We celebrated our 30th wedding anniversary in Fiji last week. On the day of our anniversary, for the first in over 30 years, we listened again to the voice tape. It was a wonderful experience. 

Tomorrow you will have one day less to wait for her. 

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14 hours ago, CPTNMORONI said:

Any advice?    

In addition to your spiritual development, you need to get a good job or start a business and have a stable income and a good amount of savings, buy a house or an investment property, learn to cook, clean, fix plumbing, electrical wiring, HVAC, lawn maintenance, car repairs - basically everything you need to do to maintain a household.  If you are not 100% prepared to take care of a family at age 25, you need to stop looking for girls and get that done.

If you are already confident that you got all those skills taken care of, then what you need to do is sharpen those skills or improve on your income potential or improve on other aspects like grooming standards, art and music appreciation, etc. 

If you're lacking on those household management skills, you got 15 months to achieve those and gain expertise.  Time is running out!  Get cracking!

 

14 hours ago, CPTNMORONI said:

Should I stop emailing her so much? Go on dates even though the girls I'd be asking wouldn't have my full attention? I don't know. Anything is helpful, thanks!

Do you love the girl?  Is she the girl you CHOOSE to spend the rest of your life with?  If so, then FIGHT FOR HER.  Send her emails everyday to encourage her in her spiritual duties.  Encourage her to be the greatest missionary that ever lived.  Pray for her everyday that she might be safe, not only physically but also psychologically and emotionally.  

So she comes home and decides you're not the man for her.  If you can't win her, then that's fine.  You got everything you need ready for the girl you eventually marry.

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31 minutes ago, anatess2 said:

If you are not 100% prepared to take care of a family at age 25, you need to stop looking for girls and get that done.

Oh good! I got 2 years to figure out how to provide for my wife and 1.5 kids 😅

 

15 hours ago, CPTNMORONI said:

Any advice? Should I stop emailing her so much? Go on dates even though the girls I'd be asking wouldn't have my full attention? I don't know. Anything is helpful, thanks!

Dude! Date around!! I don’t know why we have this discussion haha. Go around date everyone you can and challenge the world “is there no better woman than she!?” Either you find someone you are more attracted to... or you don’t. 

I’m not saying this out if any bitterness of my own, but when she gets back she will probably date others.

Literally what I would do:

1) date everyone I can

2) keep writing her and encouraging her as a friend and nothing more. The fact that she chose a mission means I am not a obliged to treat her as a girlfriend anymore and she hasn’t no claim to me.

3) When she gets back and I am not serious about anyone. Take her on a fantastic date and end it with “If we start dating again then we are getting married. I am done messing around” all while the last part of the song “paradise by the dash board” by Meatloaf is playing (Minus the clear innuendos and the unfortunate close to the song).

Then depending on how she responds, I either take her to the ring shop or text Stacy asking for the second date.

Seriously dude. No dating is serious until you have both decided that marriage is not just a possibility... but a plan. If I could go back to high school, college, or any time when I was single again, I would just date and flirt with every girl I saw (which I kinda already did... I would just do it more). Not because I’m some loose guy... but because until you are able to say “I’m ready to get married now” and able to find someone to say the same thing... it’s all just for fun. So if she can’t say it back, take that as “well i guess we were just having fun” and go call up Stacy.

Edited by Fether

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Guest

@unixknight - She is definitely worth waiting for. I just feel like every time I date someone I learn something and I could become a better person by at least going on dates while she's gone.

@askandanswer -  That's an amazing story. Thanks for sharing. I really do hope that is what happens.

@anatess2 - All great ideas but I do have all of that taken care of. Thanks for the advice! Yes, I do love her even though we never told each other. I just didn't realize it until she was gone. I think I didn't want to believe it before because I knew she was leaving because she was going to leave and we only dated for a couple of months.

@Fether - Haha thanks for the advice, man. I guess it's just hard because I can't really see myself with anyone else right now but that could change with time maybe. Right now, there aren't really any girls I want to ask out though.

Thanks for the advice everyone, and any more is appreciated. I think, as of right now, I'm going to continue emailing her everyday. She always mentions how meaningful my emails are to her and how much they help her. And before she left, she did try to make a lot of plans with me. I know she wants to be with me when she gets back. I always pray for her and I'll continue doing that. I'll eventually go on more dates again because I don't think it's good for me not to.

Edited by Guest

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Ahh to be young and have young love again.

If you really think she could be the one, then keep writing and find things to enjoy life.

That said, I don't believe there is only one person out there for us.  Could you spend the next 16 months writing letters to a young woman who ends up not marrying you and you end up a year and a half older with no GF?  a certain possibility.  

I don't think God is going to force her to marry you either.  It is going to be her decision.  So is she worth it?  We certainly can't decide for you.

Good luck.  16 months may seem like an eternity now, but it will be over quickly.

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28 minutes ago, CPTNMORONI said:

 

@anatess2 - All great ideas but I do have all of that taken care of. I have a full-time job with a very good salary, which has added up over the last two years so I have quite a bit saved up. I'm also working on getting my master's degree on the side. I haven't bought a house yet but only because I'm waiting for the market to be in my favor. All of the other things, my parents have taught me well. I cook better than my sisters haha. I've finished two basements with my dad and grew up working on cars with him. I guess I could get better with cars though. Thanks for the advice! Yes, I do love her even though we never told each other. She kept hinting at me that she wanted me to tell her but I couldn't with her leaving on a mission, I didn't feel like it was the right thing to say to someone leaving on a mission. I think I want to spend the rest of my life with her but we only dated for 2-3 months so I'm not 100% sure at this point. Not sure enough to ask her to not go on a mission when I had the chance.

I got some words of wisdom for you:

LOVE is not a feeling.  It is a DECISION.

It is a decision you make every single day even after already being married for 50 years.  It is the decision to bring one woman with you in your journey to get closer to Christ.

So you said you love her but that you're not sure enough to ask her to not go on a mission... this is late now, but it's a good example to illustrate... Is her going on a mission going to bring her and you closer to Christ?  Would you have gotten closer to Christ than that if she didn't go on a mission and you got married instead?  Those are the kinds of decisions you make that comprise LOVE.  Telling her "I love you" and not knowing exactly what that means is just a waste of good words.

Dating around is fine if you haven't made that decision.  In the end, though, the woman YOU DECIDE to love is going to be the best of them because YOU DECIDED with every fiber of your being that she's the one you're taking with you on that journey to Christ, not because she is nicer, kinder, prettier, richer, smarter, whatever.

 

Edited by anatess2

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